Am I being taken advantage of (babysitting)?

[Subby]

My sister-in-law (who lives away) occasionally comes to visit my wife with her young daughter. She always comes without her husband who does not want to visit. We have 2 similar aged kids so it's an opportunity for the kids to get together and play.

Every now and then my wife and sister-in-law will want to go for the day and leave me on my own with the 3 kids. Obviously I have no problem looking after my own kids but I feel I am being taken advantage of when I have to look after my sister-in-law's child as her husband refuses to come down and she will not even ask him to look after their own child while she is down visiting. I mentioned this to my wife and she ending up flipping it around to make me feel like I was being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable or do I have a point?

No child owes their parents they did not ask to be born.
If having children is to have nursing care from them when their old that says more about parents than we think.
I thought people have kids because they want a family not a future carers.
Sometimes parents have children but want others to raise them sorry but your kids are your responsibility.

You are being unreasonable.

Your s-i-l husband is none of your business.

OP is happy to look after own children…so ,not like BIL ,his issue is that he is expected to look after other child . Basically it is rude to presume he will be the babysitter.
Perhaps if he was actually asked ,rather than told ,he would be more receptive to the idea. It’s called respect and courtesy.

You are being unreasonable.

You have to look after your own children anyway and 2/3 times a year isn't excessive. It's better to compare yourself to nice, reasonable people btw, not your BIL who sounds like an arse.

Be honest. You begrudge your wife spending one on one time with her sister.

YANBU
I would suggest that next time your DP visits your SIL and her DH looks after all the kids

YABU

Very

Look at it that you are looking after your SIL's child for your wife to go out with her sister. SIL's husband wouldn't do that, but that just proves he is not such a good person as you, and is really her problem not yours. I don't think his behaviour should be relevant to what you do.

I agree with this. You're already looking after your own 2 kids so an extra one (unless there's a massive drip feed that they're a nightmare) isn't cramping your style in any way are they? Don't they go off and play with your kids and just come out for snacks?

Every week yes I'd be annoyed but 2/3 times a year really isn't a big deal.

Yes he's a shitty lazy twat. Have you told him so?

Why would he consider restarting a new post when he's already included what is bothering him? Especially when he's being presumed to have gone off on a tangent
The comments naturally opened up more of the problems he's facing at the moment, which oftentimes occurs with posts, the more input that comes
If there's undertones of criticism from someone, I'm sure the last thing he would feel motivated to do, would be to open himself up for more of the same

YANBU. Does the SIL even ask you or does she assume? I’m happy to do favours but NOT when it becomes an expectation.

If there’s no reciprocity from the SIL then I’d just tell your wife you’re taking your own kids out and SIL can figure out a babysitter for SIL’s dc.

I just wanted to add that your SIL is likely very grateful that you will look after all 3 kids and she can have a day out with your wife, as a parent I rarely get a day without my kids and would very thankful for someone like you.

It’s not really his job.

You're not being taken advantage of, I babysit regularly for my niece and nephew, it's what families do, but your SIL's husband is a twat.

Facilitating your wife spending 3 afternoons a year with her sister is not a big ask. You want to stop your wife doing this so you can make a dumb point about how much better you are than her sisters husband. At least he’s just lazy, whereas you are being weirdly spiteful. Your wife likely doesn’t want to have a conversation with her sister about it - “Subby is staying home with my kids but we’ll have to take yours with us because he’s making a point that he thinks he is a better husband than yours” - she just wants a child free afternoon out. She’s snippy about it because she either has to fix an unfixable problem - make her husbands sister someone he isn’t - or never see her sister without kids until they can be left alone, all the time knowing full well that the vast majority of parents would look after one extra child who they are related to 3 afternoons a year without thinking it’s strop worthy.

@Subby yes it is odd. If they are going out then you’d expect you’d look after your kids and SIL would arrange cover for hers. And your DW is a bit cheeky to assume it’s ok.

He doesn’t resent that, he resents the expectation that he will babysit the other child.

No one likes to feel taken advantage of.

@Choccyscofffy "
If there’s no reciprocity from the SIL then I’d just tell your wife you’re taking your own kids out and SIL can figure out a babysitter for SIL’s dc"

Mumsnet at its worst.

I can see your point. That would annoy me to but BIL is useless which is rubbish for his kids. If it's only a couple of times a year I would probably let it slide. It is annoying though to be expected to babysit by your spouse with no discussion before hand or even asking is it ok with you to care for an extra child for a few hours.

My dh started offering to "babysit" for a family member with a child of a similar age to ours. The first couple of times he disappeared off to the gym after "offering" and the third time he offered via another family member. I waited until the family member was gone and had serious words with him and pointed he would be at work when he had offered to "babysit" so he was in effect volunteering me!!! I made it perfectly clear as a mum of 3 kids (1 with significant complex needs) I do not want anymore kids to care for in the holidays and I was not disturbing our children's holiday plans to accommodate someone who has way more help than us and never recriptated any babysitting offers. However I did tell him if he wished to "babysit" he could take some annual leave off work and care for all 4 kids whilst I put my feet up. It was never mentioned again nor were any further offers made.

It's not acceptable for your wife to assume you want responsibility for someone else's child without checking with you first. However i guess you need to decide is it worth the argument. It was for me as it was becoming a frequent occurrence.

I guess SiL doesn't ask her DH to look after their daughter because he's a twat. Which I appreciate isn't your problem. But you looking after three children a couple of times a year so that your DW and her DS can spend a day out together is a pleasant, normal thing for a partner, no? Two thirds of those children are yours and you say they enjoy seeing their cousin.

Or alternatively, you could refuse and DW and SiL could stop in with you and the children so that you're not left on your own (the horror!). Or you could contact BiL and tell him you've cared for his DC for 11.25 hours in the last year and how's he going to make it up to you.

I don’t think it’s the worst thing to want to be appreciated. As I said, I’m happy to do favours ( including babysitting my nieces who I adore) but when it becomes expected or assumed that I will just do it then I do lose goodwill.

What's your issue here? Who do you think is taking advantage of you? What else would you be doing? You not heard of good will, generosity, putting other people first occasionally ? It's hardly every day is it?

I see where you are coming from. Does the sister thank you profusely, sounds like she is taking it for granted. Your wife needs to talk to her sister because you are not obliged to look after her child.

@Choccyscofffy And when the OP's wife misses out on her day out, he will no doubt feel really good about himself for making such a principled stand.After all, looking after one extra child is SUCH a burden.....