Am I being taken advantage of (babysitting)?

[Subby]

My sister-in-law (who lives away) occasionally comes to visit my wife with her young daughter. She always comes without her husband who does not want to visit. We have 2 similar aged kids so it's an opportunity for the kids to get together and play.

Every now and then my wife and sister-in-law will want to go for the day and leave me on my own with the 3 kids. Obviously I have no problem looking after my own kids but I feel I am being taken advantage of when I have to look after my sister-in-law's child as her husband refuses to come down and she will not even ask him to look after their own child while she is down visiting. I mentioned this to my wife and she ending up flipping it around to make me feel like I was being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable or do I have a point?

2/3 times year so the wife and sister can go out for a few hours by theirselves is nothing

why wouldn’t you be happy with this

Why doesn't your wife go and visit her sister next time, taking your two kids with her and your BIL can look after the three of them while you get some time to yourself; sounds fair.

He won’t come down? So you go up!

”hey kids let’s drag uncle Billy out of bed so he can play Twister with us!”

“hey uncle billy, I just realised we are out of milk so I’m popping to the shop. Here are the kids, I’ll be back in 30mins.”

Why let him get away with snoozing in bed?

I think it's a nice thing to do for you wife and sister to get that time. You ar setting a good example of a male role model caring for your children and helping niece/nephew. For 2/3 times a year I'd just do it for your wife.

My youngest father will watch my older two for me when I need and I can tell you it's greatly appreciated. It really affords him respect my ex doesn't deserve and my older two have noticed and commented. This isn't just about SIL partner being an arse it's about showing the children a better example and your wife that you value her need for time with her sister childfree

I don't think the OP means the BIL is present but upstairs, I think he means that the BIL doesn't visit with his wife and child, but stays at home wherever they are from.

I think your wife going out for the day 2 or 3 times a year with her sister and asking/expecting you to look after 3 rather than 2 kids is very much part of a marraige in my view.

Because said BIL isn’t going to do that!!
That's the whole point.
Or He’ll simply refuse or make the sister’s life hell for a while

You can’t do anything about other father’s involvement levels. This won’t have been the first time nor, sadly, will it be the last time you encounter a shit, lazy dad. He’s doing less than you but you don’t want to be that type of dad anyway. If you’re frustrated with him twice a year, imagine how your SIL feels? Also if he’s that shit and lazy, do you want your kids left with him? Even just twice a year?

I can see PP’s point about in-laws and nieces not being their problem but women are expected to do that work and have usually been providing that in a regular format. Usually to the determiner of themselves such as having to still pick them up when they have no car or no longer travelling that way because they’ve changed their job. If it was regular, I think you would be within your rights to say this is unfair and BIL needs to be pulling his weight. As it is, I think it’s a small glimpse into the responsibilities that women are often expected to assume and would make you more understanding as an equal parent. I think women are also more likely to offer to look after someone else’s child if that child will keep theirs entertained and it helps build that network to call on if you need it. So if your wife has looked after your nieces and nephews or looked after school friends so you’ve got someone who will do a pick up for you - that’s part of her role in building your combined village and so this is your contribution in your SIL’s village.

Flip it round. If it were someone visiting you (e.g. a sibling/friend) and your wife stayed home with the kids while you went up for a catch up with them, and it happened 2/3 times a year max, I bet she would do that without batting an eyelid or complaining about it.

Wow. Just wow. Men doing themselves absolutely zero fucking favours here.

I'd be pretty pissed off if others just assumed I'd do it

Yes, you’ve got this all distorted. Just because he’s lazy or whatever, doesn’t mean you are being taken advantage of. You’re just doing what any normal person would do without any quibbles.
His behaviour is not your circus, not your monkey, so steer clear to avoid over-stepping.

Presumably the OP’s wife checks he’s free to look after his own children while she sees her sister. Is an extra child the same age who gets on well with the OP’s children that much of an extra ask?

Presumably they ask you and a discussion is held, it’s not just assumed you will do it? If it’s the latter I’d be more inclined to refuse. But really if it’s not too often I’d probably do it. It’s good they get the chance to catch up.

I think 2/3 time a year is fine, but yes, you should asked first as I’m sure she would expect to be asked if it was someone from your family.

So you're a better husband/dad than your wife's sister's husband (in this instance anyway). Isn't that a good thing? Something to be proud of rather than aggrieved. Well done you :).

You are creating memories for your children with their cousins, precious time which they will look back on and remember you being there. Regard this as something special you do for your children. Your BIL is an asshole but you will real the benefits long term. Childhood family times are precious.

Would your wife be happy to visit her sister more often ?

So your niece or nephew not just sister in law child, this is your family too. If was regular fair enough the assumption would annoy me. But if it’s 1 family member of similar age to yours and it’s not a struggle then yabu

Yeah this!! nevermind that your BIL is a lazy shit. Concentrate on your own marriage maybe OP? How lovely your wife can see her sister 2-3 times a year (that's not very much btw) and spend time with her without all the kids there. 🤷‍♀️

There's babysitting then there taking advantage and no I wouldn't be happy with that.

People being appalled at being asked to help other family with children, then wondering why in old age no one gives a sh*t.

I totally get why your feeling frustrated, as your not even being asked if you could look after the SIL child it is just assumed that you will, even tho it's not an issue it would still be nice to be asked that is the polite thing to do.

Mayb your not communicating this the right way to your wife which is why she is being defensive when you bring it up, try and approach it from a different angle and stop complaining about the never around BIL and what he dose or dosent do.

I would personally approach it from and a positive place I.e hey wife I know you sister is coming over Saturday and I will happily watch the children but in the future it would be nice if I could be asked to watch SIL child aswell even though I don't mind as it's not frequent it would still be nice to be asked.

Just because she is your wife's sister dose not entitle her to get you to watch her child so she can have a nice day with your wife, while BIL gets a free day at home.

That attitude is present across the whole of humanity, not just men. You really think no women ever use the fallacy of relative privation?

https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Not_as_bad_as

In the case of the OP, I don't think it is about justifying avoiding the responsibility of looking after an extra child ( a handful of time a year is minimal), I think it is more about the risk of being taken advantage of, and the bigger picture of other people assuming they can dump on you when they feel like it because you are so obliging (just ask X to do it, he/she always says yes). It is not healthy to be a yes man/woman.

I think if you feel like sil husband isn't pulling his weight then it's kind of nice for her for you to look after her little one. Your niece/nephew.

You can only imagine what it's like for her back home if he does nothing.
Also it's special time for you with your niece/nephew that you only get to see a few times a year.

Do you ever go to hers?