Am I being taken advantage of (babysitting)?

[Subby]

My sister-in-law (who lives away) occasionally comes to visit my wife with her young daughter. She always comes without her husband who does not want to visit. We have 2 similar aged kids so it's an opportunity for the kids to get together and play.

Every now and then my wife and sister-in-law will want to go for the day and leave me on my own with the 3 kids. Obviously I have no problem looking after my own kids but I feel I am being taken advantage of when I have to look after my sister-in-law's child as her husband refuses to come down and she will not even ask him to look after their own child while she is down visiting. I mentioned this to my wife and she ending up flipping it around to make me feel like I was being unreasonable.

Am I being unreasonable or do I have a point?

But what do you want your wife to do about it? Agree that if he’s shit you’re allowed to be shit too?

So you're blessed with a happy and balanced marriage that's good.

Your sister in law seems to have less support. It's 2-3 times a year. Enjoy some time with the kids all together and make some memories. Let the sisters have some precious quality time.

Yes it's nice to ask and not just assume you will do the childcare but that's a bit more of a minor point.

I guess you don't know BIL very well if he doesn't visit. There could be all sorts of reasons he doesn't come but you are doing a nice thing. I wouldn't waste my energy worrying about him.

Adding an extra, similar-aged cousin to your own two that you are looking after anyway, makes basically no difference. What extra “looking after” work does it entail, that you wouldn’t be doing anyway if your niece had been left at home?

You have a problem with your brother in law really.
Id be careful not to make it a problem with your wife. As if her not agreeing with you about ‘being taken advantage off’ suddenly makes it her problem…. And her problem to solve.

I mean what do you want your dwife to say?
That her BIL is arsehole?
And yes you’d be in your right to refuse to babysit? Knowing this means her and her sister couldn’t spend the day together?
Do you really want to punish your dwife and her sister for your BIL behaviour??

Next time....

What about YOU calling your b-in-law and asking him to come along too ylu'd really like to see him, have a great day out with the kids...play area, zoo, cinema then in the evening you guys go out?

I agree with you - they're off having a nice day and your BIL is scratching his bum on the sofa while you're looking after all the kids!

It's entirely possible that your BIL is an arse and doesn't pull his weight (too many men are). But the main victim of this is SIL and it doesn't sound like you're hugely put upon looking after the kids a few times a year so the sisters can spend some quality time together, assuming that your wife also does similar for you sometimes (i.e. enables you to spend some quality child-free time doing an activity of your choice).

Sadly, even if BIL were to offer to care for your kids, would you really take him up on it? Would you really want a man like that looking after them? It's unfair and it sucks, but many women who have children with men who turn out to be wastes of space (or worse) often come to the same conclusion but on a bigger scale - they'd rather do everything because, even though it's completely unfair, they don't want their kids to spend time with people who find them a burden and won't look after them properly.

Yes, my BIL is a lazy shit, and it's not just me that thinks it
Yes, as a father it frustrates me, but know a cannot do anything about that
No, I will not stoop to his level as I am a better man and father

Thanks to all or your comments and advice, I will take them into consideration

This isn't about babysitting two or three times a year, it's your views on your BIL, which to be quite honest, isn't really anything to do with you.
Of course you can have an opinion on his and SIL's set up but that shouldn't have any sway on looking after an extra child for a few hours very rarely.
Just out of interest, how old are the children and can they be largely left to amuse themselves?

I do think it is fair to ask that your wife doesn't assume you will look after the SIL's kid and /or at least appreciates it - perhaps her acknowledging that you are facilitating this catch up would help you feel better about it. You should also have the same opportunity to have a day out with a family member or friend without kids. Or perhaps you could suggest that the SIL looks after yours for a day while you and your wife have a day together. I can see why it is frustrating that your BIL basically gets a day off because he is a bit shit. It is a nice thing that are you facilitating their catch up.

I do hope all the posters telling you to suck up babysitting for your in law's child, will also add their comment if a female poster complains about being expected to babysit for her sister in law's child so her husband can go out for the day. The usual MN response is 'not your circus, not your monkeys'. I shall link this thread to the next step mum or wife thread about being angry at being asked to care for an in law's child occasionally.

We have a huge problem in our society with men essentially pointing to men who do less than them and saying "see he doesn't do that, why should I have to do it?" They use it as a way to justify doing less. It almost always means someone, usually a woman, doing more.

"See, John doesn't have to care for his kids at the weekend, his wife lets him go out golfing every weekend. Why can't I go at least once a fortnight?"

"Karam is never home in time for bedtime, he's always working late, it's not the end of the world if I'm not there"

"What does it matter if I only see my kids every other weekend, that's more than most men and I pay you £300 a month, lots of dads don't pay anything."

If you want fairness and equality in your relationship, you're not necessary going to find many examples about to reinforce that you are taking the right path, not the easy one. And remember that it's hard when you see other men who get away with doing so much less - when you're accustomed to privilege, equality can feel like oppression. But don't take it out on those - in this case your wife and SIL, who do their bit. Women can't solve the issue of social attitudes towards men that don't pull their weight.

You could always tell your BIL he's a lazy waster when you see him through.

2-3 times a year? YABU!!!

The question is can you manage the 3 children? And does your wife watch children for you to socialise? If yes then do it because you are a good partner and dad, rather than feel hard done by because sil's husband is not.

I wouldn't worry about the husband, that's on him but if I were you I'd see it as a nice thing you are doing so your wife can spend quality time with her sister.

@Subby next time call him, say you'd love for him to come, can take the kids out then in the evening go for a beer and curry just you boys. Make that what happens each time fair on all counts

I thought you were moaning about having the kids but I can see now it’s that you’re annoyed at your BIL. He does sound lazy, your poor SIL. I don’t think there’s anything you can do though unfortunately. Except call him
out on it if you want to.

There seems to be some wider stress with your wife which is not related to this specific issue.

But on this issue ...... I would be happy to do it, but would expect to have been asked and warned about it beforehand.

The fact that you resent your wife spending some quality time child free with her sister 3x a year speaks volumes about you.

It does come across like you are more pissed off about the babysitting than BILs behaviour. You are only annoyed about him "not stepping up" because it means you have to babysit (2 x per year!). If BILs "crime" was that he didn't do enough housework or didn't help your niece with her home work, you wouldn't care at all.

Yes. It appears to have nothing to do with your BIL not being 'a better man' or 'a better father'. We know nothing about what kind of man he is, other than that he doesn't want to come for the day once or twice a year when his wife is visiting her sister, to whom she is clearly close.

I see his point, to be honest. The kids get on and are happy to play together. The sisters get on and want to talk to one another unreservedly, as signalled by them going out for the day by themselves. If the OP's children are at home, being looked after by him anyway, what would be the point of the BIL arriving and sitting around the house with a man who clearly dislikes him?

Dont be resentful because her husband is a twat and you’re not. Enjoy being the better man and take the opportunities to show that you’re better than him and then find peace knowing you’re not the man they’ll be slagging off on their day out 😂

Isn't it nice for your wife to spend time with her sister and also for your children to spend time with their cousins??

I would duck it up as long as it's not too often.

I think the OP has been judged quite harshly here.

Firstly, if this was reversed and the Husbands brother was coming to stay for a weekend with his kids, then the brothers went out for the day without so much as a 'Do you mind watching all the kids' to his wife, I feel this would be a very different thread.

I think it's nice your wife and her sister want to spend the day together and do something and its nice the kids get to see each other, however, I can see why you are annoyed at the just presuming you are ok to have all the kids and that's where the resentment comes from for your BIL as he seems to have got off scott free.

Your wife's attitude of just shutting it down isn't nice either.

Don't worry OP, men always get bashed on here.
I get what you are saying. It's not that you mind, it's more the assuming, yet it would be a flat out no if the roles were reversed. Just be grateful that you are a better husband than what your SIL has.