Daddy daddy…cant believe it’s happening again :(

[Shleepymummy]

Quick backstory. Had my DD 3.5 years ago, failed at breastfeeding, felt awful about it. DD was happy though and when she hit about 15 months, she entered the Daddy phase. Only, it wasn’t a phase. Because at 3.5 years, Daddy is still very much the favourite, the preferred and seen by her as the primary carer (even though I am home with her 2 days a week, then weekend with DH). She goes to him if she gets hurt, he will always be the preferred choice. I’ve learnt to live with it and always be there for her just in case. But it’s heartbreaking.
18 months ago, my DS was born and I managed to breastfeed, still am although it has pretty much stopped now, maybe 1 feed a day, sometimes none. He has been a mummy’s boy and I really enjoyed that bond.
The last 2/3 weeks he has started asking for Daddy…a lot. Getting upset when DH leaves, wanting DH all the time at home and out and about. DH to carry him, DH to do bedtime, follows DH about. I’ve also noticed when he hurts himself- he screams, I pick him up and instantly it’s Daddy daddy daddy then calm when DH has him.
So, I now have 2 children who are all over my DH all the time. Morning and evening they follow him and both want him, fighting with each other to get him. Whilst I’m stood there alone. I just can’t believe it’s happened again. Always blamed the breastfeeding thing for bonding…perhaps this is not the case!
I have tried joining in, being more ‘fun’, allowing them to have Daddy when they ask and not try and keep them with me (which they desperately don’t want!!) I have tried to enjoy the time alone…but this is just embarrassing when my husband is struggling with both and I can’t seem to do anything to help. I try and be fun, carefree like my husband but shit does need to get done around the house- I do leave them to play whilst I tidy/clean/cook. I have raised my voice when 3.5 year old is doing something she shouldn’t etc, I do get frustrated when with them both all day. Maybe they’ve picked up on that?
Anyway, I cried this evening as they both wanted DH for bedtime and I just sat folding clothes. Him being home for a week for Xmas has really made it very obvious and perhaps worse.
Is there anything I can do?

Oh bless you. Hang on in there. My two were both the opposite, very Mummy focused. I really respected dh for not letting it get him down at the time. And it changed, gradually, though aided by me having to go away for 4 months in their teens, to sort out/care for my parents after a nasty accident. They are adult now, but both have a brilliant relationship with him.

If when DH is there with you you're always doing the role of folding the laundry/cooking/cleaning then you'll always be seen as the less "fun" one. Does DH ever do the boring chores when you're both together to give you the chance to have fun with them?

My son is the same, but for me. He’d do anything for me. I am his top choice, 100% of the time, for anything at all. I’m hoping our daughter will feel the same about DH to spread the load 😆

What has helped is giving them one on one time together. It wasn’t easy to start with but today for example I’ve been out 10:30 - 4:30 and they’ve had a brilliant day together and although he still wanted me to do bedtime, he gave Daddy a special cuddle and kiss, and asked for him to read a story. I do also remind Daddy that his patience can be a bit short sometimes and he sometimes needs to let DS’ interests lead, which he’s got a lot better at. He struggled with DS going from an easygoing baby to a quite vocal and opinionated 3 year old, I think.

Yes- I have asked him to do this. They just go and find him and cling to his legs. But it’s rare he does the ‘jobs’ so I can chat to him and ask him to do the chores again (or even pretend to do them 😂) and see if this helps?
Surely lots of other Mums have to do house related work, and yet are the still the preferred one. Ive managed to be the secondary care giver/least preferred for 2 children despite being the primary caregiver!!

Give it a while and you'll be really glad if they stay daddy's kids!

You won't get the endless "muuuum" and then they do a naff thing. Daddy will be cled for in the night, daddy has both of them begging to sit by him every time, daddy has to carry them etc.

Try to look on the bright side!

I think most children “switch” to wanting the attention of their father at approx 18 months old

I am trying, but it’s really hard. And I bet Mums who actually had this wouldn’t say oh it’s amazing! And every other Mum (including on the post) states how it’s not like that for them. Makes me feel it’s against nature almost. What have I done so wrong for this to be like this?!

My son used to throw himself on the doormat and sob uncontrollably whenever my husband left the house. My daughter wouldn’t let me hug him without screaming “he’s MY daddy”. They both grew out of it when they started pre-school and were super excited to see me at pick up every day. It was testament to him being a great dad, I think!

I agree with Hercisback1. You'll come to look on this as a blessing when they are constantly hounding him for attention and he doesn't get a moments peace.

I have one child and around that age she was all over her dad. Now she likes doing stuff with me and her dad equally but it was upsetting at the time. The advice I got was make the most of the peace but I know it’s not that easy.

Thanks for this. Mine are at nursery- they like seeing me at pick up and are happy. On our own, it’s fine. It’s just when Daddy is about!!

Thanks for the reassurance @teaandtoastwithmarmite - sounds like nothing I can do but embrace it, ride it out,
I just know after 3.5 years with DD it’s not
going to change, and I now have to live with this with my DS too

I've had this, that's why I'm saying it.

It isn't a reflection on you or your parenting.

This is such a stupid comment. OP is literally saying she wants a different relationship with her children and you're saying "you'll be glad". When, exactly, are her feelings going to change? It's been years already and she's not yet found it "a blessing".

What would you say if there was a group of fathers sitting around saying "aren't you glad the children are always hanging off your wife, not you?". I bet you'd be disgusted and saying they should be making more of an effort to spend time with their children and bonding with them so that Mum can have a moment to herself.

I notice you are making the assumption that your DS will stay so keen on daddy. It may just be a short phase for him, as most children go through. I really dont think it's particularly unusual for kids to fight for daddy's attention if he's out working most of the time and they habitually get more time with mum. Just keep loving them and listening to them and don't try to pretend to be different to how you actually are!

Thank you- exactly as you’ve said. I don’t feel it’s a blessing or I’m lucky. I’m a loving, caring Mum who tries very very hard and have 2 children who appear to not be arsed at all about me. No voluntary cuddles, or calling for me, or wanting me when sad or hurt. That’s really really painful actually. And I just wanted some advice on what I could do to potentially change things, improve things. If that’s even possible.

True- it may well be. I guess it’s just because it happened with DD. She went into the Daddy phase, everyone told me to enjoy it etc it would change. And 3 years later…it’s not a phase. Scared it’s going to happen with DS

Thing is, they do care about you. They do like you, and they do want you.

You're massively projecting lots of thoughts and feelings on to them that just aren't there.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with breastfeeding so please don’t beat yourself up about that. I had the same (and breastfed), it does change, they go through phases and it’s more common than I thought as a lot of my friends experienced this too. You may also only be picking up on small bits of your life and making them the norm. If an outsider was to monitor you for 24hrs they would probably have a very different perspective! Please try and stop stressing over it as it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, especially when you say you’re resigned to this happening with your second child. You’re doing great, things won’t stay the same forever. Apparent I was the same with my dad when I was younger and I don’t remember any of it!!

It also shows a really secure attachment to you.

They really won't be like this forever I promise. I was a daddy's girl and when my dad was home, I always wanted to be with him. He worked long hours so weekends I spent all my time with him. Everyone joked about it and called me his shadow. But as I got older I became close to my mum again. I think it's just because of their age and actually separating from mum is a normal stage. Don't look upon it as a rejection of you, rather an expansion of their world and relationships. Enjoy the time with them when dad is not there and let him have his time with them when he is home. It's just a phase.

Hi ! You are definetely not alone. I have shed a ridiculous amount of tears for the exact same situation although I only have one. I also breastfed, primary caregiver but to an even higher percentage than yourself (husband works away a lot) and my 2.5 year old has been like this from the get go. It makes you feel like you have went woefully wrong somewhere and I still get tearful any time someone says normal comments like "the only place newborn and toddler wants to be is with their mum" etc as it hasnt been the case for me even though by trying my best to do things so called "right" in terms of the modern day attachment theories e.g Breastfeesing co sleeping, no nursery before 3, no cry it out etc. I am not saying this is the same for you but I think i can be a bit highly strung (e.g even by using the phrase "tried to do everything right")compared to husband and I am the stricter patent etc so I imagine this is what had went wrong for me but who knows.

Hmm, but then I think so every other child who is clinging to their Mum doesn’t have that secure attachment then. I just don’t get it.

This is very common OP, have you considered DS is actually just copying DD - my youngest copies everything my eldest does right down to being with one parent or the other? It may not be his natural preference at all and you could see a change in it sooner than you think.

Your there more than dh is for them ,
they don't have to cry and scream for you ,
because they are secure you are there .
if he spent more time with them than you ,and you worked more ,
coming and going more than you do ,
I guarantee the roles would reverse and they would be crying for you .
Maybe book some days out with your friends regularly, leaving daddy in full charge.. probably a stressed not so fun daddy having to run a household while looking after them ,might take the shine of him a bit x