Daddy daddy…cant believe it’s happening again :(

[Shleepymummy]

Quick backstory. Had my DD 3.5 years ago, failed at breastfeeding, felt awful about it. DD was happy though and when she hit about 15 months, she entered the Daddy phase. Only, it wasn’t a phase. Because at 3.5 years, Daddy is still very much the favourite, the preferred and seen by her as the primary carer (even though I am home with her 2 days a week, then weekend with DH). She goes to him if she gets hurt, he will always be the preferred choice. I’ve learnt to live with it and always be there for her just in case. But it’s heartbreaking.
18 months ago, my DS was born and I managed to breastfeed, still am although it has pretty much stopped now, maybe 1 feed a day, sometimes none. He has been a mummy’s boy and I really enjoyed that bond.
The last 2/3 weeks he has started asking for Daddy…a lot. Getting upset when DH leaves, wanting DH all the time at home and out and about. DH to carry him, DH to do bedtime, follows DH about. I’ve also noticed when he hurts himself- he screams, I pick him up and instantly it’s Daddy daddy daddy then calm when DH has him.
So, I now have 2 children who are all over my DH all the time. Morning and evening they follow him and both want him, fighting with each other to get him. Whilst I’m stood there alone. I just can’t believe it’s happened again. Always blamed the breastfeeding thing for bonding…perhaps this is not the case!
I have tried joining in, being more ‘fun’, allowing them to have Daddy when they ask and not try and keep them with me (which they desperately don’t want!!) I have tried to enjoy the time alone…but this is just embarrassing when my husband is struggling with both and I can’t seem to do anything to help. I try and be fun, carefree like my husband but shit does need to get done around the house- I do leave them to play whilst I tidy/clean/cook. I have raised my voice when 3.5 year old is doing something she shouldn’t etc, I do get frustrated when with them both all day. Maybe they’ve picked up on that?
Anyway, I cried this evening as they both wanted DH for bedtime and I just sat folding clothes. Him being home for a week for Xmas has really made it very obvious and perhaps worse.
Is there anything I can do?

I had the same with my eldest. I had a year off work with her when first born and am main caregiver but she was an absolute Daddy’s girl. She was fine when he wasn’t there, but when he was she was on him like a limpet. She very gradually grew out of this when she hit around 4 or 5 I’d say and is now very much 50/50 with who she wants. My middle would have little phases where she preferred one or other of us. So don’t lose hope - your son might just be having a phase and your daughter might not necessarily be a daddy’s girl for life.

My DD was like this. She's 6 now I rarely get a moments peace. She wants me to play with her all the time. We were in a soft play earlier and she just sat in the soft play near my chair (on the outside) and chatted away at me the whole time. If I'm in the house she follows me everywhere, but if I'm out and she's home with DH she'll entertain herself.

Children tend to cling to the parent they see the least as they have an insecure attachment to them. They have a secure attachment to you so you should take that as a compliment.

To be honest you really have to end up trusting yourself, it's natural to expect validation that you're a good parent from your children but they are the worst judges in the world for that!
I've never been the favourite, I can count on one hand the number of times my children have come to me in preference to my oh, but I just try to remember that I can know I'm doing my best regardless of who they run to.
We do try to have time with each one to one to keep the relationships going, but sometimes it gets wearing being second choice all the time.
Fwiw I spent/spend a lot more time with the oldest, and vice versa with the youngest, and it literally didn't make a difference their preference.
Hang in there and trust yourself.

I was always a daddies girl from as far back as I remember & to the day he died. It didn't mean I loved my mum less.It's a phase many children go through as did mine. I was just grateful my children had such an amazing & attentive dad.

Its the flip side of marrying a decent man! It will pass as they get older hang on in there but it is gutting.

This :)

I can relate very much OP. My youngest went through an extreme daddy phase at around this age, in which she totally rejected me. Lost her mind and screamed bloody murder if I even looked at her, I couldn't do anything for her at all. If I tried to settle her at night she'd almost make herself sick with the screaming, until dad came in to take over. DH had to take some time off work to look in the end as she wasn't relenting and I was devastated. I honestly thought she hated me, and we couldn't work out why. I made a conscious effort to just step away when she was acting like this (making sure she was safe, of course!) without letting her see any reaction or hurt from me. It didn't resolve overnight, but it slowly but surely improved, and it hasn't damaged our bond in any way. She's now 4.5 and we are as close as I always dreamed we'd be. Not advice, as such, but some solidarity and a bit of hope that nothing necessary means forever when they're so little.

All my neighbors boy and girl seemed to want at that age was their grandma. Dad would arrive home, open his arms to greet his son who ran past to ask the prime guy if he had a parcel for him. Every time grandma came she got a naughty list of their dads wrong doings read to her at the door step that week And he would stand in his garden, and scream for his grandma to come back..

I haven’t read the whole thread as I am just going to bed but don’t worry, just hang in there. My DD was a total Daddy’s girl for years but now aged 18 we are a tight pair, we have a great relationship and she says I am her best friend. She still loves Daddy, they are very similar ( both v academic and love Marvel films) but we have found our way. DS was more keen on me for years but now he and DH are very close. It’s trust developed over years. Don’t worry!

At this age my son was in a private nursery full time, whilst I worked full time, was still awake half the night and also desperately tried to keep the home going. I was frazzled and probably a bit less fun for DS.

Anyway, it got to the point where I'd turn up to pick him up from nursery and he'd cry and run from me, I guess I just wasn't very exciting to be around. I had to drag him crying from there, it was mortifying and hurt me deeply.
But then I took a step back, made him like me again, with lots of bribery, I'd buy tonnes of those chocolate baby finger biscuits and hide one behind my back, then with a big smile I'd put my finger over my lips, to hush his crying and bring it around from behind my back, he'd rush to me, giving me a chance to scoop him up and whisk him off.
I used the tactic at home too, and it wasn't long before he would actually want to snuggle into me with a biscuit when he was upset.

I did have to make a huge effort to be happy, kind, fun and playful around him though.
And now he's 12 and loves me and DH equally.

Both DDs, especially DD1 preferred their dad. Hurt themselves, bad dream, wanted a cuddle, always dad. I honestly didn't mind, as I knew that my parenting was fine and they didn't reject me as such, they just preferred him, if given the choice. Same with nursery; they often wanted to stay there when I went to collect them!

As they got older and became more challenging, my patient, consistent nature meant they needed me more and sought me out more.

If you are feeling left out, you should maybe do something fun with them every day, like reading, or bathtime that is only done by you and not your husband, so that you get them all to yourself. I used to love picking them up after work and driving home, or taking them to the park.

Sorry I haven't read all the posts, but I feel like I'm in the real life role reversal. My 2 girls just want me all the time, and aren't afraid to say they don't want daddy. If they are upset, it's always me. Bedtime it's always me. We're currently away and they both argue over who gets to sit next to me. It's exhausting. What's helped is not allowing them to be with me all the time, and even if they kick off we try to manage their feelings and say no it's daddy's turn tonight. It's hard, because if I'm in the house they'll find me - and I do struggle to get anything done. DH finds it a lot easier when I'm not here and they're absolutely fine with him.

I'd say try not to encourage the favouritism and tell them it's mummy's night tonight, daddy is going out, I know you would love him to do bedtime but tonight we can do a special story or whatever...

If you both let daddy do it all the time for ease (and sometimes you do need to just let them for your sanity... But only sometimes!!) as otherwise they'll continue to have more of a bond with daddy as they'll get to s

Exactly this, OP 💐

It could well be a phase. Some phases are very long! But with hindsight things do change over time.

Like @Jean24601Valjean we had a structure and stuck to it. I think we ended up with the less preferred parent doing all bedtimes for a couple of weeks and then we started taking turns. Get a pass to a farm or something and take your eldest out on their own for an hour or two at weekends. I remember it being a real grind for DH when he was the less preferred parent, but now that is a very distant memory. He read with DC1 until age 14 (DC is now studying English Lit A Level), he's the only parent DC1 will practice driving with and the only one DC2 will do homework with.

It gets easier as they get older, I promise, and things do change over time although you don't always see it at the time.

My DD was daddy obsessed from about 12 months old and I actually loved it. She did reject me but she did want daddy for cuddles, bedtime, playing etc. She has switched to me now at 21 months (possibly because I pregnant) and it is quite difficult as it HAS to be me that does nappies, helps her with eating, dresses her, goes to her in the night and so on. I preferred her daddy obsessed stage!

I have DS (6) mummy’s boy, and DD (4) daddy’s girl. DD was a daddy obsessive to such an extent that I felt I didn’t really know her. So I started to pay her a lot more attention, focused on us both being girls with her. id love DS to be more focused on daddy especially as he is older now but DH is lazy, and can’t be arsed kicking a ball around etc unless I insist.

Your DS is v young, and could likely be copying DD.

Id focus on DD for now, bring her out for hot choc, go shopping for hair clips do fun things with her.

I BF both mine to 18 months, id don’t know how much difference it makes.

Sorry posted too soon.
...they'll get to spend all their time with him and the cycle continues x

I had the same thing with my daughter. It’s absolutely horrible. I was her primary caregiver, but as soon as daddy walked into the room I didn’t exist. I felt like a member of staff at the house, not family. I had another child who was a mummies boy and followed me around. I have a great relationship with my daughter now she is older. I don’t know if you can fix it, other than time, but I wanted you to know you aren’t the only one to go through this.
I think you should find a special activity to do one on one with your DD. Take her out and away from dad so you get some time with her.Make sure your dh knows it’s just for the two of you.

It might still change. My DD was very much a daddies girl until she went into school.

As she's growing older it's me she confides in.

My first was v much a mummy's girl but now, age 7, she is much more even handed, and thick as thieves with her dad - just to say even at 3.5 I would not have predicted this as she was v mummy-centric. So don't think that this set up is forever! It does change.

ive got a 3 year old who’s the exact same it’s just knowing you’re a good mum which I know you are by just this post and knowing you meet her needs and give her all she needs which you do. My daughter doesn’t even let me go in the shop when her dads with us ( he works away a lot) etc. I’m tHe one walking behind them a lot on days out she don’t let me have photos wirh her etc! But it’s just about knowing that you are enough and they do love you no matter who they prefer
to be with.

it wont always be this way!

This has zero to do with breastfeeding and everything to do with them wanting the attention of the person who isn't there all the time. Play the long game - your relationships will all change through their childhoods and they aren't dictated by who was their favourite when they were 3.

My older DD began as Mommy girl changed to Daddy for many years. Now at 4.5 she is back to favouring me! There is no reason to it.

Also my 2 year is favouring me at present but I know it will end soon.

It is horrible but very normal.

My DC are the same OP and I breastfed them all for multiple years Absolutely no idea what it is about. My 6yo has a serious grudge against me at the moment and keeps scowling at me constantly. I haven't done anything against him!

I do agree one on one time with them is good esp if you can find things DH isn't that keen on doing.