Daddy daddy…cant believe it’s happening again :(

[Shleepymummy]

Quick backstory. Had my DD 3.5 years ago, failed at breastfeeding, felt awful about it. DD was happy though and when she hit about 15 months, she entered the Daddy phase. Only, it wasn’t a phase. Because at 3.5 years, Daddy is still very much the favourite, the preferred and seen by her as the primary carer (even though I am home with her 2 days a week, then weekend with DH). She goes to him if she gets hurt, he will always be the preferred choice. I’ve learnt to live with it and always be there for her just in case. But it’s heartbreaking.
18 months ago, my DS was born and I managed to breastfeed, still am although it has pretty much stopped now, maybe 1 feed a day, sometimes none. He has been a mummy’s boy and I really enjoyed that bond.
The last 2/3 weeks he has started asking for Daddy…a lot. Getting upset when DH leaves, wanting DH all the time at home and out and about. DH to carry him, DH to do bedtime, follows DH about. I’ve also noticed when he hurts himself- he screams, I pick him up and instantly it’s Daddy daddy daddy then calm when DH has him.
So, I now have 2 children who are all over my DH all the time. Morning and evening they follow him and both want him, fighting with each other to get him. Whilst I’m stood there alone. I just can’t believe it’s happened again. Always blamed the breastfeeding thing for bonding…perhaps this is not the case!
I have tried joining in, being more ‘fun’, allowing them to have Daddy when they ask and not try and keep them with me (which they desperately don’t want!!) I have tried to enjoy the time alone…but this is just embarrassing when my husband is struggling with both and I can’t seem to do anything to help. I try and be fun, carefree like my husband but shit does need to get done around the house- I do leave them to play whilst I tidy/clean/cook. I have raised my voice when 3.5 year old is doing something she shouldn’t etc, I do get frustrated when with them both all day. Maybe they’ve picked up on that?
Anyway, I cried this evening as they both wanted DH for bedtime and I just sat folding clothes. Him being home for a week for Xmas has really made it very obvious and perhaps worse.
Is there anything I can do?

Have you maybe built this up in your head and got worked up about it and its now manifesting as you being anxious and desperate around the kids?

Kids like things to feel calm, safe & secure. Someone who's a worrier, over emotional, over anxious, it can (on a sort of subconscious level) not be very soothing and kids tend to respond to that.

The "daddy daddy daddy" phase is very common and i understand it can feel annoying, like you aren't appreciated for the unglamorous work you put in because Fun Daddy has appeared home from work & hung them upside down/tickled them and he's hilarious apparently. The only thing you can do is be calm/relaxed. Don't let the housework take over, make sure you're finding time to sit & read stories to them, snuggle up with a cup of milk at bedtime etc. Make sure Daddy does his share of the mundane (standing over them insisting they tidy toys, housework etc) and isn't just sweeping in after work to do the cuddly bit of putting them to bed.

Sorry OP, it's pretty common. My 5yo DD (the eldest) has only just stopped the everything must be Daddy phase. I was never ever wanted, and I found it sad. However, now everything is fine. Luckily DH still has to do nights and teeth brushing 😆

Thanks everyone for the kind words of reassurance and some really good advice. Going to take it on board and give some things a go, give it time, try not to be upset by it.

Your DS may simply have reached the age where he wants to copy your DD. I'm sure there will come different times when suddenly you are the preferred parent, but I can understand how it feels hurtful right now. if there is an inequality in the amount of "fun" time you and DH have with the kids then maybe that needs to be addressed

Hi op
Both your children are still so young and it will definitely come in phases.
I bottle fed both our dc. ( I’m putting this in as it was a worry you had about bonding )
I was also unwell after they were both born by c section so DH gave them both their first feeds. I don’t think that affected my bond with them as one was always all me, wouldn’t listen to my DH at all until he was around 5 years old and one was pretty even with us both, but only really settled with DH at bedtimes.
My dc that didn’t listen or want to know DH is now super close to him and the one that only settled with DH is a 14 year old kid that sits and tells me all his stuff.
They love us both equally.
It was just a phase.
it will pass, I promise.

Bless you OP, I’ve been there to a degree, and it’s so hard as it does feel like 95% of other parent preferences are towards the mum, so it’s hard not to take it personally.

All I can advise having pretty much come out the other side is stick with it. DS2 was a gigantic mummy’s baby until similar to your DS, about 18 months (I’m sure lockdown played a big part here as he was suddenly around DH a lot more) and then it was daddy daddy daddy, obsessively so. I hated it, and DH just didn’t understand (to be fair, DS’ preference was so intense, it wasn’t enjoyable for him at all) but we carried on as we would have done, we’ve always alternated bedtimes with our other DC so I never gave in when DS was crying for daddy at bedtime, and he would always be fine with me in the end. I try and spend a bit more time with him doing fun things he likes, be it park, colouring, puzzles. He’s now almost 6 and in the last year or so I’d say it’s become a fairly even split in terms of preferences, although he has started coming to me when he’s hurt (can’t pretend I wasn’t so happy about this!!!) and then asking DH for the more “fun” things, so I suspect he still has his little preferences between us for specifics. But it really is so much more even and I think just carrying on as normal whilst making extra effort on my part has worked. It probably went on for about 2 years though OP, just to manage your expectations!

i breastfed two babies/ toddlers and they wanted daddy lots from 18/24 months or so.

I was chuffed to get a moments peace to drink a cuppa!!! It was a blessing

It’s because they are completely secure in their relationship with you — less so with their father. Not saying he’s a bad father, but they’re making sure of him. Your son at least is probably still at the stage where he doesn’t really think of you as a separate person, so of course he doesn’t need to hang on your legs. He knows you will always be there.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds really hard. I have a slightly different perspective as my DC always wanted me and my DD in particular would cry in DH's presence and physically push him away while clinging to me. It went on for a few years. They are both now teenagers and are equally close to both of us.

I mentioned to DD the other day how she had been a real Mummy's girl and sometimes pushed Daddy away and she had absolutely no recollection of it and felt bad for him that she had done that! So just giving you a bit of hope that in the long term it won't make any difference to your relationship, it's just a difficult phase to go through now.

It could well be still a phase! A long phase, my DS was definitely still for daddy aged 3.5. I don’t think it changed overnight, but probably from around 4, he gradually became less obsessed with him and had more time for me.

It has nothing to do with bf... I didn't bf either, by choice, and they're very much mummy mummy mummy.
It's probably just a phase. Hang in there. It sounds hard, sending 💐 can you create some little traditional moments with them, just you and them alone?

It's not a competition, children need at least two significant adults and yours have them. I would be questioning why you are feeling rejected and maybe getting some help with that. Kids swing between their parents, the important thing is that they know they are loved and secure.

DS1 used to be very close to me. He'd go to bed and call me back up for a chat, which was lovely. We'd sit and do shadow puppets and talk about all sorts of things such as sewers, smoke alarms, evacuations, police, baddies, etc. I was also the parent that tended to take him out on expeditions to the supermarket on foot or his balance bike.

Once DS2 was born, he completely switched his affections to my wife. I'm guessing it was due to feeling threatened by the new arrival, but it really hurt and it's never quite gone back to the way things were. 😢

DS2 is now approaching 3 years old and I'm currently his favourite. I think this is causing DS1 to reappraise things and he's starting to show me a lot more affection.

I'd suggest taking control of certain things to make the kids appreciate you - e.g. always doing bath time, taking them out on foot or their bikes for 2+ hour trips to visit the park/shops/Gregs, always being the one to read a bedtime story, etc.

I think the outdoor expeditions are the things my boys really enjoy/enjoyed as toddlers. My wife couldn't be bothered with 3 hour round trips to the supermarket (15 minute walk from our house), but for me it was all about the time spent chatting and leaning along the way. Kids really appreciate that kind of one-on-one exploring/learning/chatting. It's only natural that it brings you closer.

Sorry OP no advice but just wanted to validate your feelings. This is unusual and would really upset me too

We've had this. It was awful. I felt heartbroken.

I just decided to explain how it felt. DC was 3yrs old. I said, quietly in a calm moment,

'I want to do bedtime tonight. I love you just as much as Daddy and I want to have cuddles and read the story. I miss you. Would it be ok if I did bedtime tonight? Daddy can still come up to give a cuddle before you go to sleep'

She nodded. So up we went.

I snuck up a piece of chocolate, when we were on the bed, DC drinking their milk, and I'd just picked the book up - I gave DC the chocolate and a piece for me too. We giggled together. It was a really cute moment.

She's never wanted Daddy as much for bedtime stories since - despite the fact I've only done the chocolate maybe 3 times in just under a year i.e DC isn't expecting it. But she does often call Daddy up for goodnight cuddles before sleep.

Verbatim that's how I swung things back in my favour. Dh just laughed and said 'you gotta do what you gotta do'.

Sometimes splitting the routine works. One does bath, then the other does pj's and story, then the other comes back for kisses/cuddles goodnight.

But mostly, a cube of chocolate works the best, with some giggling and lots of cuddles.

I think sometimes kids just need to see their Mum's step out of always being the sensible parent'y/rules/routine one. I think my DD just saw me in a new light that night, like Mummy can be a bit naughty and silly too and it was like an instant magnetic. One small moment created a wave of momentum and things are much more balanced now.

I had very, very similar. Failed to breastfeed my eldest daughter, and from about 1 year on she was such a daddy's girl. Breastfed my younger son and thought things would be different but then he became all about daddy to. I did find it really upsetting, especially when they hurt themselves and just wanted him. Like you I was part time so spent more time with them and I am naturally more patient and affectionate but he was probably more fun and definitely more chilled. He also did a lot more bed times when I was on maternity leave to give me a break from parenting and get to spend more time with them after work so I used to wonder if that was the start of it. I used to beat myself up and blame myself a lot, but looking back I don't know what I could have done differently.

However now DD is 7 and would always choose me given a choice for pretty much anything. I think it gradually started to change around the age of your daughter now. DS is 4 and usually just awkward - always wants the person that is least available at any given moment! But definitely less daddy obsessed than before. Over the holidays it has been constant "mummy, mummy, mummy can you..." from both of them and it has been driving me slightly mad, so this is a nice reminder of how desperate I was to feel equally needed by them a few years ago. I can't really give you any tips - don't think I really changed anything. I just tried to be consistent and be as affectionate and loving as possible even when they didn't seem interested. We also tried to consistently do every other bedtime once I was back at work even when they weren't happy about it. Sometimes I think if you always give into it, it sort of reinforces the idea they do need daddy.

Oh god I remember this phase.... ungrateful buggers.... I'd breastfeed them, get up at all hours, be there 24/7 and then the ingrates wood test dh like the 2nd coming when he came home..
It's a toddler phase. They wax and wane with their favourites over the years until they get a bit older and it settles down. Try not to let it get to you, it's mostly random..

I’d grab DD and take her on some lovely cafe trips on her own (or what ever you and she both like doing). Basically be a Disney Mum

My eldest son was like this with his Dad and I remember being really upset about it. Like you, I felt that I must have done something wrong - children generally want Mum, right?

My ex was always the fun one. He would be out working all day then come home and play with them while I did the non fun parent stuff (namely discipline!) and also all the boring day to day housework.

Now they're grown up they have a fantastic relationship with both of us. They still have more 'fun' with their Dad (similar interests), but will always come to me if it's something important. DS1 can't even remembering favouring his Dad now even though it went on for a good 5 years!

I think the PP who said your DS may be copying his sister is a very good point also.

"I did find it really upsetting, especially when they hurt themselves and just wanted him."

One thing I've noticed with both our boys is that they want mummy when hurt and daddy when scared. They tend to be hurt more often than scared, so it can seem one-sided until you realise there's a pattern.

Just to say I have the exact same situation with my DDs (3.5 years and 15 months). The older one has been like this for two years or so, and my younger one is now the same (probably learning from her older sister).

It's really hard. I also constantly feel useless, and wonder what I've done wrong as all my friends find it hard to leave their babies as they get so upset without their Mums. I have a lot of time on my own with them and that's lovely, they're absolutely fine with me. The minute my husband gets in it's Daddy Daddy Daddy.

I have no solutions, but just wanted to you know that it's not just you, and I hope it gets better for us both.

Two true things:
1 - It's normal and ok to have all sorts of hurt feelings and insecurity about this
2 - The big feelings we have about these things can lead us to try to come up with deep meanings and explanations that really don't exist. This behavior is common in young kids and doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong. Yes, 2 years is still a phase in a child's life and your DD is coming up on another big development phase that may change things.

It does sound like there are some tweaks you could work on with DH to help. Taking turns with chores so the other can be on fun-duty is important for multiple reasons, but you can also make a point of tackling routine chores like folding laundry, meal prep, and cleaning up together as a family (even an 18 month old can make attempts at folding small towels and their clothes, or measuring and adding ingredients for a recipe, or sweeping a patch of floor or picking up toys) so everyone can play together after. Splitting the DC between you (make sure to switch so they're each getting even time) for 1-1 time that includes fun activities is also a good idea. And if you think you and DH are starting to solidify a "strict parent/permissive parent" split then it's well worth working to get onto the same page about rules instead of going further down that path.

Hang in there. All the logic in the world doesn't change the fact that it's an awful feeling to go to pick up your child and have them shout for someone else.

Usually kids attach themselves to their primary caregiver, the one who feeds,bathes, does bed time etc. I did nearly everything for both my kids when they were babies and both are still very attached to me. They are 4 and 8 years old and still fight to be sat next to me etc. I scold them more than their dad as I am around more. I don’t always have time to play with them as I am busy with chores when not working full time but I work from home so I am still around more than my DH who works outside the home. It does annoy him sometimes but I think it is a phase, they love their dad and do go running to welcome him home but if they had to choose a parent I know currently it would be me. I think it is bcoz I am always there while my DH is often away on work, does less pick ups/drops, not really involved in making meals etc. He does help with homework if he is at home and helps bathe my 4year old on the weekends but rest all is me. So obviously for the kids I am the constant and hence I am their security. Things might change as they grow older.

Just need to massively reassure you that your assumption that because your daughter is still this way at 3.5 means this preference is permanent is completely untrue. My son was exactly like this with his dad (i.e. he had insistent preference for me) until past 4. He would barely even give his dad a hug for the first four years of his life even though he is a very affectionate kid. It gradually started to change around four years old and now aged seven I'd say there's no real preference between the two of us. He absolutely adores his dad, hugs him constantly, would go to either of us if hurt etc. It was really hard for my (now ex) partner but he just hung in there. I can't even imagine how painful it is for you as a mum but please know what is happening now is no indication of how close you will be with your children in the future.

Let’s say my DH goes upstairs or another room of an evening so I can play in lounge with the DC. And after 5 mins the DC walk off to find him….what do I do? Follow them and try and play again? This is where I struggle, if he’s home, they go to find him so how do I then prioritise time with them? without physically locking him away 😂