Daddy daddy…cant believe it’s happening again :(

[Shleepymummy]

Quick backstory. Had my DD 3.5 years ago, failed at breastfeeding, felt awful about it. DD was happy though and when she hit about 15 months, she entered the Daddy phase. Only, it wasn’t a phase. Because at 3.5 years, Daddy is still very much the favourite, the preferred and seen by her as the primary carer (even though I am home with her 2 days a week, then weekend with DH). She goes to him if she gets hurt, he will always be the preferred choice. I’ve learnt to live with it and always be there for her just in case. But it’s heartbreaking.
18 months ago, my DS was born and I managed to breastfeed, still am although it has pretty much stopped now, maybe 1 feed a day, sometimes none. He has been a mummy’s boy and I really enjoyed that bond.
The last 2/3 weeks he has started asking for Daddy…a lot. Getting upset when DH leaves, wanting DH all the time at home and out and about. DH to carry him, DH to do bedtime, follows DH about. I’ve also noticed when he hurts himself- he screams, I pick him up and instantly it’s Daddy daddy daddy then calm when DH has him.
So, I now have 2 children who are all over my DH all the time. Morning and evening they follow him and both want him, fighting with each other to get him. Whilst I’m stood there alone. I just can’t believe it’s happened again. Always blamed the breastfeeding thing for bonding…perhaps this is not the case!
I have tried joining in, being more ‘fun’, allowing them to have Daddy when they ask and not try and keep them with me (which they desperately don’t want!!) I have tried to enjoy the time alone…but this is just embarrassing when my husband is struggling with both and I can’t seem to do anything to help. I try and be fun, carefree like my husband but shit does need to get done around the house- I do leave them to play whilst I tidy/clean/cook. I have raised my voice when 3.5 year old is doing something she shouldn’t etc, I do get frustrated when with them both all day. Maybe they’ve picked up on that?
Anyway, I cried this evening as they both wanted DH for bedtime and I just sat folding clothes. Him being home for a week for Xmas has really made it very obvious and perhaps worse.
Is there anything I can do?

It's not problematic that he wants to be someone they love being with - that's natural for him to want that. But it IS problematic that he won't share equally in the chores, forcing you to be the person who is always stressed out by having the chores hanging over your head, while he gets to be the chilled-out dad who just comes home after work and is totally focused on the kids. Of course they are going to like spending time with a chilled-out dad more than with than a mom who is always mentally calculating when she's going to squeeze in time for dishes and laundry.

Haven’t read every post so discard if not useful. My DD is a mummy’s girl for sure, however I went away (for 24 hours and she’s 2) and when I came back, she was all for her dad. I was hating it and Myself for leaving and it lasted all weekend. When I stopped trying to insert myself and acted like I didn’t mind she came around to the usual way we all are. I don’t mean that in a remotely manipulative way I just mean I felt that she could feel me being needy. And I see it with her with my family and friends, if they try too hard it seems to put her off. Could it be that they’re picking up on you wanting their attention (for want of a better way of putting it I mean this kindly and helpfully). I’m wondering if you can tone it down a bit and it might help resolve?

OP if it's any consolation my DH is the full-time stay at home parent and the kids have the most amazing time with him, but if I'm anywhere in sight they want me, even tho I'm less fun. My mum said it's because I'm the rarity, I'm the one who's not there all the time, so they're doing their utmost to get my attention and keep me there. Apparently we used to be like that about our dad. Hope that helps ease the sting a bit.

My daughter preferred her Dad for a long time and I also suddenly had dark thoughts it was connected to my inability to breastfeed. To which my husband replied that by that logic HE would have had to have breastfed to make her want him more 😂😂

I truly believe that meeting your child's needs when they are hungry is the bonding bit not the breastfeeding!

Now at 2.5 DD switches her favourite parent often on an hourly basis or sometimes it's days or weeks of one parent being the favourite

My first daughter was like that until she started school. It was embarrassing for me, especially in public as only her Dad could calm her down from a tantrum (and all of our family and friends knew so often called this out). But guess what, she's a teenager now and some things can only be shared with Mum 🙂 She gradually grew out of that phase. So I guess my point is - it's only a phase. It will pass. Try not to beat yourself up over it and trying to be a more "fun" Mum. Just be you and they'll grow to love you as you are.

Maybe suggest a parenting course/counselling with this in mind. Sometimes it needs a third person to point out the inequality to the person who has all they want, for them to realise that it is coming at a huge cost to the other person.

The second my baby started going through a mummy only phase, I was careful to ensure both dh and I were with her equally, even if she preferred to be with me and cried about it. This was largely for myself - I wanted to be able to shower, use the loo, do some work etc without her so, knowing that she was safe, loved and cared for with dh, we just got on with life as we'd like and she got used to it. Now we have quite an equal (but different) relationship with her. At her current age, I think dh communicates and has fun with her better than I can. When she was younger I was more confident than dh with her.

Parental preference is really normal and doesn't last forever!!

My girls are teens.

If you asked them, daddy pays all their bills, pays for all their clothing/activities/social lives/schooling/holidays etc.

He doesn't. We both pay half, evenly (me more so for clothing & activities, make-up etc as I am a softer touch & more generous). But they are so "daddy" entrenched it hurts! They have both been daddy's girls since forever!

Honestly I'm second fiddle in my own home. I reassure my girls all the time how much I love them how I'll always be there for them etc. And I just hope that one day they will see they actually have 2 parents, not just one.

Edit; I should add, my husband encourages this narrative. That he alone funds them & their lifestyle. He doesn't ever correct them that I contribute equally. He was always the "Disney dad" when they were younger. I was the authoritarian, he was the "fun" dad. Sadly, that is what they remember. He really did buy their affection in younger years, still does.

The same happened when my daughter was around 18 months and I found it really difficult too. She stayed as a Daddy's girl for a few years but is now 6 and we have such a special bond. She still loves time with her Dad but would probably be described as more of a Mummy's girl now. They go through so many stages as they grow so things won't always be like this. Just keep being the loving mum that you no doubt are and they will both see you as a stable, safe person and things will become more balanced between you and your partner. Him pitching in more with the boring tasks will definitely help! Does he understand why this upsets you and is he willing to help?

That’s awful. When he does this, can you not correct him?

Also, why are you still with him? I find it hard to believe he’s a great husband in all other ways.

Oh this is so hard. My daughter went through a phase of telling me "I don't like you mummy" and has generally always been a daddy's girl. I used to get so upset. She has had a few mummy phases and I think it's when I've been less tired and more fun and we have gone to do fun things together that daddy hasn't been to. For example she loves swimming in the sea with me (my partner doesn't like swimming). We also have "girls night" with popcorn and a film and she loves this and tells him to go out so we can have girls night. Partner also sticks up for me and tells her when she isn't being kind to me and I think she has grasped this now she is four (but she still goes to daddy when she is hurt).

You aren’t going to improve this unless DH is onboard. It’s not just who’s doing the chores - although that sounds like a big problem in itself.

When my DC were little I actively encouraged a positive relationship with DH. Even little things like ‘Let’s save this biscuit for Daddy’ or ‘Look Daddy’s home, let’s show him your picture!’ Things that show you value the other parent & want them there. We never had the DC expressing a strong preference for either parent apart from bed time & then it would vary on a daily basis.

Your DH could try things like ‘we need Mummy to come & be the rabbit in this game’ or ‘let’s ask Mummy to help you bake biscuits’. He also needs to take his fair share of the bad guy role when necessary.

Can you have a pee in peace?

It must be frustrating for you. Will chocolate buttons help?

Mine are 5 and 2 (nearly 3). I could have written this! I found it really embarrassing when we were at a play cafe earlier and I got go away mummy from one or both of them - to play with daddy.
Let me know if you figure it out - you really do have my sympathy it’s so tough xx

I have 2 and a half yo b/g twins. They mostly want daddy for everything. I’m a SAHM and when dads around I don’t exist. And I’m fine! Honestly it’s a nice break! I’m firmer and dads more fun. I get it. They love you, you’re dependable mum. That’s all it is.

Mine were the other way around (both breastfed for a long time so in our case I think it had something to do with it), now my eldest treats us equally, I suspect he has a slight preference for daddy as he's a boy and they do stuff together. My daughter is 4 and still a little bit more pro me (she's very girly in general and prefers to do things with me), but she doesn't make it obvious anymore and says she loves us both (only a year ago she would say "I'm mummy's girl, not daddy''s). I think as they become more mature they start appreciating and noticing everything we both do for them and drop the silly act.

this happened with my partner and I, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. the simple truth is likely that daddy isn't always about. and because you're the one always doing everything (and thereby also the one constantly saying No), he's simply a bit novel, as well.

it isn't anything you're doing wrong. as a matter ot fact, it may be the best indication that you're a great mum. and that inherently makes you less fun most of the time. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but i do hope that at least hearing that it's very normal, and likely also going to change one day, helps.

First of all you never ‘failed’ at BF, but agree not BF wasn’t the cause, at least you’ve now seen that (silver lining).

OP parenting can just press our buttons and I find this is one of the most challenging aspects. Sorry to say but it can be even harder when they are older and can cut you down with their words.

It’s a master class sometimes in finding your own self esteem, resilience and letting things go rather than taking it personally.

If you think housework is a factor, can your DH take more of a decisive role? “Daddy’s busy he’s folding the sheets” and redirect them to you.

Can DH take on more of a disciplining role as well? I don’t think shouting is helpful though, unless to prevent an accident, as it can create lack of emotional safety.

Are you going back to work? That could be very helpful for your mental wellbeing and to balance things up at home.

Ultimately they are both very young at the moment and can take more direction, they don’t get to decide, unless you allow them to.

Have you got much IRL support?

Hang in and try and find outlets and support for yourself outside of your role at home.

It's because you're the main carer. When we switched roles mine were suddenly desperate and clingy for me again.

Once they start school you'll find they want you just as much again.

I do correct him, especially in front of the children.

Why do I stay? I'm glad you asked, little pigeon. Parental Alienation.

If I left, DH and his mother would have my children poisoned in a blink. I would be portrayed as an absent/abusive/unemployed/alcoholic/lazy/uneducated/you name it parent (I am none of those things). The whole narrative would be changed and they would try to erase me completely and re-write history where I do not exist.

The subtle ways he tries to freeze me out now (like "forgetting" to add my name and number to school enrolment forms)..... Imagine what he'd do if I weren't here. Atleast this way, I am present still. I have a 'say' to an extent. I get to be with my kids and see them. You are right - he isn't a great husband! My bed and all....I'm lying in it.