Daddy daddy…cant believe it’s happening again :(

[Shleepymummy]

Quick backstory. Had my DD 3.5 years ago, failed at breastfeeding, felt awful about it. DD was happy though and when she hit about 15 months, she entered the Daddy phase. Only, it wasn’t a phase. Because at 3.5 years, Daddy is still very much the favourite, the preferred and seen by her as the primary carer (even though I am home with her 2 days a week, then weekend with DH). She goes to him if she gets hurt, he will always be the preferred choice. I’ve learnt to live with it and always be there for her just in case. But it’s heartbreaking.
18 months ago, my DS was born and I managed to breastfeed, still am although it has pretty much stopped now, maybe 1 feed a day, sometimes none. He has been a mummy’s boy and I really enjoyed that bond.
The last 2/3 weeks he has started asking for Daddy…a lot. Getting upset when DH leaves, wanting DH all the time at home and out and about. DH to carry him, DH to do bedtime, follows DH about. I’ve also noticed when he hurts himself- he screams, I pick him up and instantly it’s Daddy daddy daddy then calm when DH has him.
So, I now have 2 children who are all over my DH all the time. Morning and evening they follow him and both want him, fighting with each other to get him. Whilst I’m stood there alone. I just can’t believe it’s happened again. Always blamed the breastfeeding thing for bonding…perhaps this is not the case!
I have tried joining in, being more ‘fun’, allowing them to have Daddy when they ask and not try and keep them with me (which they desperately don’t want!!) I have tried to enjoy the time alone…but this is just embarrassing when my husband is struggling with both and I can’t seem to do anything to help. I try and be fun, carefree like my husband but shit does need to get done around the house- I do leave them to play whilst I tidy/clean/cook. I have raised my voice when 3.5 year old is doing something she shouldn’t etc, I do get frustrated when with them both all day. Maybe they’ve picked up on that?
Anyway, I cried this evening as they both wanted DH for bedtime and I just sat folding clothes. Him being home for a week for Xmas has really made it very obvious and perhaps worse.
Is there anything I can do?

Thanks @Newhi and @Endofyear, what you’re saying is very sound and sensible. I’ve got very in my head about it all and very upset.
@Nightmarenewbornnostalgia1 im so glad you commented. This is so me, highly strung, stricter so I feel this is where I went ‘wrong’ as well. But also like you have tried so much to give my children a safe, happy, healthy home.

nice to hear from a bf attachment Mum who has a child who prefers their Dad (currently!) Thank you

Oh ffs op! You're scared? Of what? That your kids have a good relationship with a loving and involved father? This is entirely about you. You need to get your issues about attachment and being needed away from the kids before it fucks up your family. Being jealous of your husband is only going to cause harm.
Get some help

I'm 5 years down the line OP so giving you a bit of perspective.

Mine still "prefer" dad. But when they really really need someone, it's me.

I BF both mine too, attachment parented, did all the "right" stuff. It's not about your parenting.

It doesn't last forever, IME. My DD was the biggest daddy's girl from a few months old. I barely got a look in and remember it was upsetting. Now DD is a teen and hardly gives him the time of day. It's sad, and I'm glad they did have that nice relationship for some of the time. I'm sure it will change again at some point.

Try to plan in 1:1 time with your DC, maybe some things they only do with you. That will get easier as they get older.

I can't relate to this but I know I'd be extremely sad if I felt unwanted. One thing I do with a similar age gap to you is focus on them and not chores as much as possible, then we take it in turns to do chores whilst one adult parents at the weekend at some point. So my husband and I both get time to play, nurture and care for them. I do very little chores during the working day as I see my role as parenting not housekeeper and cleaner. That will change when they're all school age and I will pickup more of the housework etc.

Not jealous of him, he’s an amazing man and I’m very lucky. People are ‘scared’ of spiders- they’re tiny and you can just step on it and it’s gone… So the word scared doesn’t have to be read into that deeply. I would like my children to enjoy being with me when my DH is also with us.
I think advising to ‘get some help’ is a little extreme.

Thanks for the tip @Flittingaboutagain,
good ideas to try! I’ll explain to DH.

@Shleepymummy I also think it's possible your DS prefers your DH because he's in rivalry with his big sister. Children, especially siblings, always want what the other has! So he's seen DD want Daddy and wants his turn with Daddy. It's very possible it's nothing to do with your DH or you, it's just because your DD picked DH that DS has also gone after him.

So sorry that this is happening again. My daughter was like that too and it really affected me. Perhaps DH could try to discourage the clinging? My grandson is 9 months and has suddenly rejected my DH but tbh i don't want to be number 1 so and I know it will affect grandads confidence so I keep out the way sometimes. Your children are older so I think they could be gently discouraged

I am equally glad that you posted but not that you are experiencing it. It really is so horrible. People who tell you to get a grip are usually people who have never experienced anything close to it so try and ignore those comments if you can. From the time babies are supposed to show a recognition of a main caregiver I would not deem that mine has. read all those old attachment theories about main caregiver leaving and the reaction of your child telling you if they are securely attached etc. On the very odd occasion I have went out or work etc and I return my child shows literally no facial expression but when dad comes behind me their face lights up. I will only listen to people who tell me to get a grip who have actually experienced that.
Again I can only comment on me but I noticed that a lot of times I was playing with my toddler I was trying to get them to play in a certain way or was confused by how they did things so would almost try and push my way because I deemed it the "right way". I have noticed an improvement since I've tried to stop doing that. I think I'm a control freak by nature so I need to give myself a good talking to that it's ok for things not to be the way you imagine because I think probably my child can subconsciously sense it or even that I'm trying too hard etc. Hope you get loads of mummy cuddles again soon x

I'd feel the same as you in the same circumstances.
My eldest went through a stage of being only for his dad when he was about 3. It didn't last long at all but I was gutted at the time.

My youngest is now almost six and is totally for me.

I just think they are all so different and definitely go through phases. It won't be anything you have done or haven't done. And definitely won't be to do with breastfeeding. I fed my first but not my second and he is pretty much glued to me 😂.

I'm the preferred parent by both of mine (same ages as yours). We always alternate bedtimes (one child each) and say how excited we are to do the other child tomorrow if they are upset. This means everyone gets some one on one time and stops them both getting even more attached to me and pushing my partner out.

I have a similar experience with my almost 4 year old - periods of intense daddy preference but always with more interest / calling for dad and it's definitely really gotten me down at times. A few things that have helped me think it through are:

1. Unfortunately (based on what I have seen in real life and many Mumsnet posts) many dads are not active and engaged equally or even semi equally with their partners as parents. This means you are looking at a skewed % when you think about all the many children who are only or mainly attached to their mums - of course that won't always be the case, but worth remembering and trying to be thankful you have a partner who does share this with you (I know not always easy!).

2. I also have the "fun parent" problem. I (try) to remember that for long term attachment and being a great parent what I am doing - always being there, providing a safe and loving environment where food is available, routines are in place and clothes are clean is absolutely central to their happy childhood. Of course a three year old won't see this and thank me for doing the laundry, but I genuinely believe it will help build the longer foundation of my relationship with them. I have to look for them, but as my son gets older I start to see where this pays off - yes he may call for dad when he falls off his bike, but he may tell me if he is sad about something and calm down from a tantrum more quickly. It's not as obvious, but it is there if you look!!

3. I've tried to teach my three year old ways to show me affection that are specific to me - eg "mummy really likes soft hands on her arm". He now occasionally just randomly comes up and does this and i know it is "for me" and gives him a way to show affection / love without the big moments that the fun parent automatically gets.

Everyone is different but these have helped me (sometimes anyway)

Ah that's really harsh. She is worried that she has done something wrong with her children to cause an insecure attachment which I'm sure she hasn't.

Honestly wouldn't worry about it, my eldest was a full on "daddy's girl" when she was little, everyone used to bang on about it, made me feel like trash. Then as the years went by our bond just got stronger and she is very much my little person now.

I've always been the strongly preferred parent for both our DS and we keep the edge off it by basically forcing them to spend time with DH. We alternate bedtimes rigidly and so now they just know that's how it works and don't have a problem with it (DS2 still sometimes but not DS1). When they flipped out resisted initially we just tried to keep calm and say sth like, "I know you want mummy to do bedtime. Daddy will do it tonight and mummy will do it tomorrow." DH takes DS1 out on day trips at the weekend for 1-2-1 time. I'm still preferred, but it doesn't cause so much drama. I think about it like I have to actively set the example that Daddy is just as good as Mummy, otherwise if we give in to their pressure then we are reinforcing the message that Daddy is second rate.

Mine was a total mummy's boy up until about 4 then it was all about his Dad for a couple of years, now firmly back to me.

Swings and roundabouts!

I have to be honest - I never grew out of this phase! I was a daddy’s girl from day 1 until he died. We were two peas in a pod, we just always understood each other. My poor mum felt very left out at times and I look back and feel guilty - as we were just a family of 3 she must have felt so out of the gang.

But I also had a lovely relationship with my mum and were very close now, so it’s not an either/or thing. It’s just like friendships - sometimes you’re just on someone’s exact wavelength. Maybe that’s what’s happened with you.

I was the same as a child and it was literally because I saw my dad less and it made me take my mum for granted more as a constant presence. It probably didn't help she built the day around it "wait until daddy gets home" etc.

It was nothing other than a novelty factor.

I bf my eldest (also 3.5) and from when she stopped (at just before 2) up until about 6 weeks ago, she was exactly the same but out of nowhere she’s become a complete mummy’s girl. Still loves her daddy when he’s around but all of a sudden she wants me to do bedtime, cuddle her when she’s hurt herself etc. Hang in there because they do like to keep you on your toes!!

@Nightmarenewbornnostalgia1 Agreed- those that say oh don’t worry or it doesn’t matter typically haven’t experienced it. And that’s fine. But you sometimes need someone who has gone through it to say yes- it’s really hard actually. I sound like almost the same person as you. I’ll take this onboard and try and allow them to lead play etc. thanks for all your help- really appreciated.
@andthenwho Yes, point 2 is so true. Thanks for your reassurance.

DS 18m actually only says a few words so the communication isn’t there yet in terms of explaining Mummy’s turn over Daddy’s turn etc. I’ll have to just be there for him when I can, take time alone with him, take the time to be fun and play.

That was exactly my thought. Why are you devastated and crying about it? Your kids still love you. What if it was the other way around - then you may not like the clingyness. This is kids. They go through phases and it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It won’t last forever and they will go back and forth.

I have experienced this and was happy the kids wanted their dad who was there for them and gave me a break once in a while (especially after may leave which was all mum mum mum).

I am very close to both my children now and they have a close relationship with both of us.

Have confidence in yourself as a mum and know they love you but just need something else right now. Why not say to yourself how wonderful it is that they have such a loving wonderful father.

@Shleepymummy even though your 18 month old only has a few words he'll understand a lot more - I would have thought you'd still be able to explain that it's mummy tonight, but daddy will give you a big hug and do bath time tomorrow.

It's tempting to almost disengage a little to stop yourself getting hurt when you're not the chosen one, so just be wary of yourself doing that. Pick times of day when they aren't tired or hungry to start a game of everyone chase mummy - rough and tumble often gets everyone laughing.

If your husband is a good dad just try to go with it OP. My DD is all for me - always has been except around 20months where she was obsessed with her dad & used to tell me not to look at her 🙄 it passed quickly. I did go back to work when she was 9months old though so she wasn't with me all of the time & I was still a novelty to her. But yes, get your husband to do the boring jobs while you get to play.

I feel you. I get it everywhere to my other half is just liked by bloody everyone. It’s really hurtful with the kids too it just makes you feel so unwanted even with the people you’re meant to be everything to (at least til they’re teens). Best thing to do is take them out one on one and have loads of fun with them. Like no boring stuff just fun. And make sure he is on board talking you up.