Daddy daddy…cant believe it’s happening again :(

[Shleepymummy]

Quick backstory. Had my DD 3.5 years ago, failed at breastfeeding, felt awful about it. DD was happy though and when she hit about 15 months, she entered the Daddy phase. Only, it wasn’t a phase. Because at 3.5 years, Daddy is still very much the favourite, the preferred and seen by her as the primary carer (even though I am home with her 2 days a week, then weekend with DH). She goes to him if she gets hurt, he will always be the preferred choice. I’ve learnt to live with it and always be there for her just in case. But it’s heartbreaking.
18 months ago, my DS was born and I managed to breastfeed, still am although it has pretty much stopped now, maybe 1 feed a day, sometimes none. He has been a mummy’s boy and I really enjoyed that bond.
The last 2/3 weeks he has started asking for Daddy…a lot. Getting upset when DH leaves, wanting DH all the time at home and out and about. DH to carry him, DH to do bedtime, follows DH about. I’ve also noticed when he hurts himself- he screams, I pick him up and instantly it’s Daddy daddy daddy then calm when DH has him.
So, I now have 2 children who are all over my DH all the time. Morning and evening they follow him and both want him, fighting with each other to get him. Whilst I’m stood there alone. I just can’t believe it’s happened again. Always blamed the breastfeeding thing for bonding…perhaps this is not the case!
I have tried joining in, being more ‘fun’, allowing them to have Daddy when they ask and not try and keep them with me (which they desperately don’t want!!) I have tried to enjoy the time alone…but this is just embarrassing when my husband is struggling with both and I can’t seem to do anything to help. I try and be fun, carefree like my husband but shit does need to get done around the house- I do leave them to play whilst I tidy/clean/cook. I have raised my voice when 3.5 year old is doing something she shouldn’t etc, I do get frustrated when with them both all day. Maybe they’ve picked up on that?
Anyway, I cried this evening as they both wanted DH for bedtime and I just sat folding clothes. Him being home for a week for Xmas has really made it very obvious and perhaps worse.
Is there anything I can do?

This

I agree and find it wierd so many posters feel hurt or negative feeling if their child is attaching to another parent. It's a good thing.

Hi OP. The comments insinuating you “get a grip” etc aren’t helpful at all.
Ive been in your shoes, in fact I’m only just starting to come out the other side. My eldest is 4 and from being about 10 months old it’s always been daddy! And it bloody hurts. You go through pregnancy imagining all the wonderful scenarios and then it feels like they don’t want to know….I totally get it. For me I went back to work at 8 months. Baby settled fine initially but at about 10 months he went though a short phase of being a bit upset at drop offs. I did drop offs and DH pick ups and I always wondered if it was because DH was the one taking him home to his safe place was the reason he became the preferred one. Over the years we have a great bond but it’s always been daddy the favourite. If my DH isn’t there then he adores me but as soon as DH is there I don’t get a look in and I suspect half the time if I just went home he wouldn’t care. But he is so happy with me, comes to me when sad etc if DH isn’t there which tells me he doesn’t hate me at all and feels safe with me which shows I’m doing my job well and you are too. I’ve just come to terms with the fact that he has a preferred parent and sadly it’s not me. But I’ve been there with the crying doing the washing up whilst my child plays with daddy in the living room (and DH does equal chores etc too). We are slowly coming out of the other side, eg last week I got out of the car to run into the shop whilst DH waited with the children and my eldest asked to come in with me, normally he would only ask to go in if DH was getting out. He is just about to turn 4 for reference.
my youngest is 7months and has been a bit of a mummy’s girl but again I’m prepared that that might change when I go back to work, but then again it might not, or it might and it might just be a phase, who knows. The fact that you care so much also shows you are a brilliant parent, by the way.

How are they when you’re not there? I ask because my DS 3.5 has always clung to me but as soon as DH is out of the house he’s wanting to know where Dad is. Also, in just the last week or so he’s suddenly switched and become a daddy’s boy, so there is hope that it won’t last forever!

Sorry haven’t rttt but we adored a one year old who was initially very rejecting of me and only wanted DH, after years of trying to have a baby and IVF I was devastated. The rejection was palpable. Things I tried were theraplay games to help to bond, blow feathers through straws together, roll them on the floor and pretend to make them into a pancake and sausage roll, lots of very enthusiastic fun games. It definitely helped, as did the occasional weekend away where I’d get a great reception.

sorry if this isn’t helpful, just chimed a chord with how I felt in the early years. And finally to add that it definitely changes over time!

As a kid I much preferred my dad. I still loved my mum, but my dad was the one who literally let me climb all over him. I was the climbing frame for my kids, and sure enough I'm also the favourite. Obviously this won't apply to every kid, but it's a possibility.
Mind you, your ds might just be copying big sis and will in time revert to his own preferred parent, so don't count yourself out yet.

Hi OP. Other than the breastfeeding part, I could have written most of your post regarding your 3.5 year old DD. Same set up with having her on my own (well now with DS too) 2 days a week as well and I always try to take her to fun things like soft plays and so on. I too have a DS, although he is only 8 months old and very much currently a mummy's boy, but I would be as devastated as you if he turned out to prefer DH so I totally get where you are coming from.

With my DD it was clear she was a daddy's girl as a baby. Even though I breastfed until 13 months, most smiles and laughter happened with DH, she was calmest with him. As a baby it didn't bother me as much as they can't communicate, but as she got older it really hurt. When ill or hurt it's almost always her dad she cries for. There was a point at age (I think) 2.5-3 where it was really heartbreaking as she'd actually push me away and say she only wanted daddy and didn't want me to play. I was so upset.

A few things have helped - DD knows that I'm the go-to parent for things like baking and arts and crafts because DH hates that kind of stuff so we make it our special time together. He's the 'fun' one who can do endless imaginative games which I don't really have the patience for but I try. I'm naturally the stressy, highly strung parent and my DH and I have the kind of relationship where we are sort of jokingly rude to each other all the time (eg. instead of staying stuff like 'hi lovely how was your day' we are more like 'oi you alright, what's for dinner' if that makes sense) and I think my tone often comes across worse, so maybe DD used to see me as the bad cop parent. So I've made an active attempt to be naturally warmer and it has made a difference. Lots and lots of affection and praise. Jealousy towards her younger bro has also sort of helped because she'll ask me to play with her more and I try my best to just forget housework, plonk DS in the jumperoo for a bit and be more present to play with DD.

I do think DH will always be her preferred parent so I've made my peace with that and just try and focus on making sure I'm at least not the 'pushed away' parent. I'm trying to work on my mental health and general mindset a lot as tbh I'm quite a generally negative person (I try not to be around the kids) but they must pick up on that, whereas DH is naturally a very calm, gentle and positive person.

I do empathise a lot with you though as it must be so hard that your DS is the same, I'm not actually sure what I would do in that situation. Sorry if I've just rambled and not helped much.

I don’t have a lot of advice but can offer solidarity. It’s truly heartbreaking. You carry them and feed them from your own body, she felt like an extension of me, our bond was intense…and then one day she’s furious at my very presence.

it happened at around 12-18 months. She would sob when I came in the room, have a tantrum if I came near her and daddy. She would even try to put her own filthy nappy back on if I tried to change it!

It went on for around a year or more, with varying intensity, then gradually tapered off. Now she’s pretty equal with both of us.
I feel like it was when I was the main caregiver that it was most intense. Once she got to around 4, the childcare was much more 50/50, daddy wasn’t as special, and he suddenly got all the bad sulky behaviour that was usually reserved for me.

people will try to minimise it to make you feel better, but I understand how much it hurts.

One thing I think helped us was reading lots of stories about mummies. I felt like she started to see that a mummy is precious and she had her very own right there. There was one about a duckling that lost its mummy and found her again. But then my DD is very sentimental and emotional!

Try your best to stick at it and not get too resentful or fed up, you sound like a very good mum and it will all balance out in the end.

Thanks @Bambam2019 - I’m sorry you went through this also. What I’m learning is you can’t blame yourself or try and find ‘something’ you did or didn’t do. I don’t think the nursery pick up made it happen. It’s just one of those things isn’t. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
@Yuckyyuckyuckity i am so so similar to you- highly strung, naturally stressy, not got the patience for imaginary game. I really try though. I’m going to make a more conscious effort to drop the housework/jobs and just ‘be’ with the kids. Not sure how my DH is going to get on board with this as he doesn’t like to do stuff at home and as we all know…someone has to do it!!

How crap for you OP, I would be feeling like shit too. Rejection is a terrible feeling.

I only have to add my nephew hugely preferred my Dad (his GD) when he was younger. He would get out the car and run past everyone and never leave his side the whole time. He had no time for women at all.

Now he is 7 there is no preference, he actually likes hanging out with me an Aubt he barely sees.

My 4 year old is actually like this, massive daddies girl, cries when I have to do bedtime. My 2 year old has started to pick up on this and is sort of copying her. So they basically both want daddy as he's seen as this prize. Few things I've done. Don't let him be the fun one while you do chores/ get dinner on etc. make sure he's the bad guy just as much as you. Saying no, taking things away. I sometimes send them to him to get a no. Also watch how you talk to and about each other when they are around. Me and my husband have a joking relationship and I think the 'banter' might have made me seem a bit lesser to her. I would also look to have a special thing you do with each of them that your husband doesn't do. Like me and my daughter do a thing where I wrap her up like a sandwich before bed and she loves it when she cries for dad I say let's go do the sandwich and then she's fine with it. It's shit though. You give up your whole life for them and then they seem to prefer someone else. It's cruel.

it seems as it’s not just me and other Mums do go through this- just doesn’t seem as common or as spoken about. I don’t know why it’s got my so upset- I think I had accepted DD being a Daddy’s girl and just tried to find things we could do together to help ease it but now my DS seems to be heading that way…just feels really sad I guess. Everyone wants to be loved and feel wanted, needed. And I’m sure I am. But it just doesn’t feel like it. I’m going to do the mummy stories- I like that idea.

If my kids are anything to go by then its because the person who is there most becomes wallpaper and the one who is with them less often is more prized. And then, as a pp mentioned, it can be catching because the younger kid is taught that Daddy is the prize and they may not even know why.

Being a team makes a difference "No darling, I am busy but I know that mummy wants a cuddle, well if you dont want mummy to play with you then you will have to wait while I do this job" and makes sure that the wait is very very boring. That sort of thing.

@Cornflakes44 So a big one here- how do I get the dh to do the less fun stuff/chores and saying no? It’s a hard sell: Can you do X Y Z whilst I have fun with the kids? Can you be the bad guy so I can be good guy tonight? I jsut don’t seem him being onboard! He had a tough up bringing and I can really see he loves being the favourite, the one who makes it all better. And I don’t want to take that from him- but it would be nice to share that

@Shleepymummy I really do think kids pick up on the stressy stuff more than we realise, no matter how we try and hide it. A bit off topic but I'm an absolute nightmare particularly if we're running late (which is a lot the time tbh because I'm so particular about how bags are packed, double checking doors are locked etc), but I recently read something about how always being stressed when leaving the house can cause a lot of anxiety in kids as they grow up. So my goal for 2025 is to just be an earlier riser, get shit done in advance and just have time to BE with my kids. I think that will make a big difference. I do also agree with a pp who said make your kids realise a mummy is special - I think DD realised this when I was pregnant with DS and we read lots of books about expecting a new sibling, her attitude towards me changed a lot.

Do you do the thing with food where you pretend not to notice what they eat or don't eat? By avoiding reacting to it, either positively or negatively, you hopefully avoid turning it into a battleground. I think this is similar - you need to be so careful to pretend you don't notice because any sort of negative reaction risks you appearing a "harder work" parent. It can be hard to be around a friend who often questions whether you like them. So act like you feel secure and confident in your relationship. Fake it to make it.

If they wander away to dad I think the onus is on him really to steer or bring them back. He's busy doing his work or whatever, mummy time now and he'll see them at dinner time. Or decide that when that particular door is closed, or there is a certain sign on it, the room is out of bounds. You come and steer them away from it as you would if he was on an important work call. I fear my parenting may be out of date now but IME consistency is what will get through - they will learn the new pattern if it is applied consistently and your husband is not constantly giving in to make them feel better. Every time crying gets them daddy it reinforces that it's worthwhile keeping trying until they get him. You need his support in reinforcing that mummy is good too. In practice we found that easier to do if the "hiding" parent is on one floor and everyone else on another.

This is a very sound point.

Could not agree more.

Heart breaking as it may seem, I wonder if their affection is aimed at getting more attention / time / something extra they need from their dad (not consciously!) whereas they are getting all they need and want from you already.

Your post brought back the fact my kids used to do this with their dad when small. I had forgotten about it. He was like the Prodigal Son in our house - because he was hardly there compared to me, who gave them breakfast, sometimes lunch and always dinner and put them to bed with next to no supporting role, Mon-Friday. Years on I still think they would be more excited to see me if I spent less time with them, whatever that kid maths equation means.

Can’t think of anything to suggest except that you have a day when you don’t collect them from nursery and when you are the last to come home. Will your resource scarcity turn this around a little?

My son is the same Op. his dad is everything & he’ll take me if he’s not around. I do day trips with our son to do special bonding without dad. It did help but he still prefers his dad. It does switch up though. Phases seem to last forever but it’ll end I promise. It used to upset me too, but gradually he’s built up a bond with me. It’s not as strong as his dad’s. I read somewhere kids try harder with dad because they feel safer with mum knowing/feeling a mum will always love them. Look it up

I'd almost forgotten my eldests Daddy phase. It lasted about 3.5 years and broke my heart. She came back to me eventually, although she's still close to DH. Youngest is now 4 and favours Daddy slightly, but not as extreme as the youngest did.

Eldest was at school before she became a Mummy's girl again.

It's tough. Have you spoken to him about it? It sounds like he just wants to cherry pick the good bits of parenting/ running a household and leave to rest of the crap up to you. If he's just selfish then it's harder to change that. You could talk about the example you are setting to your daughter when she sees the woman in the house doing all the drudgery. Or tell him that if he doesn't also take part in active parenting, saying no etc they may lose respect for him. You could split the evenings/ weekends so half the time he does dinner/ chores and you play. The other half you do it. You are an important member of the household. Your happiness and relationship with the children should be as much his priority as his own. This is how a partnership works.

Why isn’t he just doing the chores, why do you need to ask him?

Of course they’re going to gravitate to him if he can give them all his attention.

Let him cling to him, leave him his share of the jobs and relax elsewhere.

One of mine is a daddy’s boy but I was a daddy’s girl and that hasn’t changed. I don’t feel my dc loves me any less

What is your DH doing in this scenario? If he's just watching TV or futzing on his phone then when they start looking for him I'd ask him to come join in with you all playing together. But if he's doing chores (which he should be helping with and that's a whole giant issue of its own if he isn't) then he's sometimes going to need to say "I need to finish but I'll come play with you and mummy when I'm done" and then go on doing his boring task. If they want to join him in the task and it's safe then let them try, but at some point they'll want to go back to the fun zone. The goal isn't to prevent them having time with daddy, it's just to make sure they have times where you're the one in play-mode.

You mentioned in another update that you can struggle with pretend play and such, and I'm the same way. I think it helps to remember that play comes in so many more forms than just that, and that a parent doesn't need to be the one to provide every single type to their DC (especially since they go to nursery). You just need to find a few forms of play that you and your DC do enjoy. There are a lot of great resources on this topic but this book can be a helpful read to start with.

I think it will be something in your behaviour or the way you are with the kids that causes this. Not saying it's your fault. Have you asked a trusted family member what they think?

Kids often prefer mum because mum is more gentle, softly spoken, doesn't get angry as quickly or raise their voice, may be more loving and responsive. A lot of this is probably instinctive and hormone driven as well as being because mums generally spend more time with little ones so know them better.

Many dads are lots of fun but may also be less child centred, less consistent in the way they respond.

I doubt it will be to do with household chores but is there something that's making you more distant, are you emotionally up and down, how do you respond when kids are upset or misbehave?

My sympathies, this is hard stuff. My big 2 have gone through phases of Daddy preference. Now they are older we are settled in patterns of doing things with me and Daddy that we each prefer. The kids know Daddy reads with voices but I am the one more likely to listen to what they need/want and get them the correct thing. Try to have time on your own with each of them to give them individual attention. I would also try to be rarer at the weekend. Go out for the day. Let your DH have them both all day then he might be keener to do some housework whilst having a break from them. All else fails sit on the sofa and read a book - I guarantee you will have a child trying to get your attention within an hour!