Nearly 3 years of daughter not sleeping through

[Peebleneeb]

Hi,

I’m at wits end with no clue how to improve my daughters sleep and desperately need help or advice.

For background my daughter was born in March 22 extremely premature at 24 weeks weighing just 1lb. We spent 4 months in 3 different NICUs across the UK getting her better and nearly lost her twice (as in were told she was dying). I’m telling you this as I’m not sure if this could be part of why she is a bad sleeper- or if it’s why maybe we created sleep crutches and completely avoided (and don’t like the idea of) sleep training of any kind. Because she’s so precious.

So to the sleep issue… My husband and I are absolutely zombies because my daughter is now nearly 3 (in a couple months) and still wakes up at least twice a night screaming for me. She has never been a good sleeper- has had us up anywhere between 1-10 times a night since she was born- now it’s mostly twice a night with a hellish bedtime. She has a nap midday-1.30pm ish sometimes 2pm each day but I’ve been trying to cap it (she is super grumpy when I cap it though so finding it hard). She goes to bed at 7.30pm/8pm and usually wakes for the final time anytime between 6-7am.

She takes anywhere between 20 minutes to an hour to get to bed and insists we stroke her hair or hold her hand. She has white noise machine (has always had this), a very dim night light on, is still in a cot bed with rails up as doesn’t and can’t climb out yet, has a duvet and pillow now but in the past has had sleep sacks. We have the exact same bed time routine and have for as long as I can remember- it’s milk, brush teeth, put pull ups on (she is potty trained during day now), read 1/2 books, put in bed and then I lie next to her until she’s asleep. I didn’t always lie next to her - when she was younger I could put her down stroke her head a bit and then walk out after 5 mins but she started screaming when I left so the only fix was to lie with her. It worked for awhile but now she wants us to stroke her hair too and screams and screams like she’s being murdered if we don’t, or if we leave. I am losing my fucking mind!!!

We are so kind and gentle with her but I hold firm boundaries in day to day life so I’m not a pushover- except for when she screams like that at bedtime and at night as I can’t bear it. I do most bedtimes and wake ups but daddy does a few as I work early shifts half the week (4am alarm). We have tried: turning off white noise, turning off night light, turning on brighter lamp, singing, reading to her while in bed, just walking out (lolllll nope), let her cry max 5 mins then go in (can’t cope any longer as she REALLY screams), just talking to her and asking her to go back to sleep if she wakes in the night, asking her if anything is frightening her and why she wakes up (she doesn’t know).

Is this unusual? What can I do? I can’t do this any more I’m going insane!

Thank you in advance ❤️

I would say it’s in the range of normal.

Waking up duting the night is normal for everyone, including adults. But as adults we just go back to sleep.

I would drop the day time nap and for me if they wake I just get into bed with them. You can also get an extra cuddly toy and suggest if she wakes up she tries snuggling down with the toy.

@SENMUMwhatnext Thank you- even just knowing it is normal - or not unusual even- makes me feel better. So many friends have toddlers that just fall asleep and sleep through no drama and it makes me so envious!

DS born in May 21 still wakes twice ish a night. Went through a fase maybe for a few months where he slept through about 6 months ago. I have a newborn. 3yo wakes more than the newborn.

We've been facing him off needing contact for a few weeks and he now goes to sleep without being touched. Have started leaving the room and coming back. He is getting better.

I've got him a yoto player for Christmas. I'm hoping I can read him a story then put that on and leave and having someone reading to him will make him feel like he's not alone and he can put it on in the night if he wakes up 🤞

I think it's just who they are. From the day he was born he would only sleep in my arms. ds2 has fallen asleep alone in his crib since the day he was born, he'll stay there when he wakes up without fussing too. Just completely different kids.

Have you tried any of the 'holistic' sleep trainers? We also refuse to sleep train and I found a few people to follow on Instagram via Lynsey Hookaway. Ironically I didn't like her style but I've found others that I think are really relatable and take on little tips here and there. I haven't paid for any help as I'm not yet at the end of my tether but that's where I'll be looking when I do!

Also thinks it sounds in the range of normal, just need to find a way to make it bearable/everyone gets the most sleep possible.

With our eldest, we took turns going in with him from when we went to bed. He eventually started sleeping through semi regularly about 4 (nap dropped before 2). His brother is completely different but still doesn't sleep through! Comparing them I can see it's nothing we've done!

My 5 year old woke up last night because she was cold. I know at least 10% of my 8 year olds class have issues sleeping.

Good to know I’m not alone then. I have seen the Yoto players and it’s definitely worth a try! I do think it’s just luck of the draw isn’t it but it’s maddening when all my mum friends toddlers are sleeping through no drama! 🤣

Yes I follow Lynsey! I haven’t seen the others you’ve mentioned but can try to find some. We haven’t paid yet either because it seems so expensive and I’m doubtful they’ll really be able to do anything?! 🥲 Thanks for commenting.

My eldest didn't sleep through until he was 7. My youngest was 5 BUT then from age 8 woke every sodding night with nightmares (still going on...)

My only solution was to sell their mid high sleeper beds and buy them a double bed each. I and DH then played musical beds in the nights and we would sleep anywhere to maximize everyone's sleep.

Its crap but both of ours have since been diagnosed with medical reasons which explain their awful sleep and we're just doing what we can to survive.

I did see a sleep consultant when DS2 was 18 months old. I managed to wean him off night feeding but not night waking.

I think this is so common because it isn't particularly natural for young kids to sleep alone tbh. I remember hating it as a kid and getting quite scared. For that reason, from the age of 1 or so we would always start our daughter sleeping in her own bed but would also let her come into ours if she woke up. Her bed is also in our room. It's a minutes' disturbance vs an hour or so. I know this is probably a very unpopular approach but I don't imagine she'll want to still do this as a teenager and prefer to go with what feels natural.

I never coslept with her as a baby for safety reasons, but in my experience it's been great with an older kid.

Thanks for the reassurance. It really helps to just feel less alone in it. I hate that she gets so upset and needs so much support with sleep - I just wish she could enjoy sleep as much as I do haha!!!

Is this normal? It’s sounds absolutely hellish. There is no way I could have coped with this. A three year old can be reasoned with and talked to. Have you told her off for screaming? She should know she is not allowed to scream at you for not bending to her will. It’s outrageous.

She need to learn to self soothe. She needs learn that she not in charge.

Oh man I didn’t even think about the age of nightmares. Bless your two! I can’t imagine doing this until she’s 7. I have so much bloody respect for parents (especially ones with older kids) now I am one 🤣 Kudos to you! Our daughter won’t sleep in our bed as she thinks it’s play time/fidgets so so much- we have tried cosleeping just me or daddy with her in our spare double bed but she still doesn’t sleep at all so we haven’t really even got that option! 😫

My DD needed someone with her to go to sleep until she was 5. We bought a small double for her bed and just went with it. Took between 20 minutes and a hour every night but honestly we (me and DH, we used to alternate) grew to enjoy it, it was a nice relaxing transition from family daytime to grown up evening.

When she woke up at night again we'd just get in bed with her until she fell back asleep and either sneak out or just sleep there.

After DDs 5th birthday in the summer holidays we transitioned into her falling asleep by herself. It took 3 nights of tears and popping her back in bed but now we do story and say goodnight shut the door and she goes to sleep. Couldn't have imagined that a year ago!

Personally I'm a big fan of whatever it takes for good sleep until you can reason with them or they're ready to stop.

I agree completely and believe me if I could co-sleep I would but she is a nightmare! As I said to another poster, our daughter won’t sleep in our bed as she thinks it’s play time/fidgets so so much- we have tried cosleeping just me or daddy with her in our spare double bed but she still doesn’t sleep at all so we haven’t really even got that option 😫 Thank you though 🥰

With this update I would say you need to drop the nap.

I asked the question as I didn’t know but majority of responses are that it’s normal so far. She can’t be reasoned with when she gets hysterical at bedtime. She can be reasoned with during the day and knows she isn’t in charge as like I said, I hold firm boundaries, but I just can’t let her scream for hours at night as it would break my heart (that’s what she would do if we just left her to it). Not sure how familiar you are with the technicalities but self soothing isn’t really a thing- they just learn that mummy or daddy won’t come to them so give up. Which is why we didn’t do it. Thank you for commenting though ☺️

My daughter is 3 in February and is also a poor sleeper. She woke every 40 mins for almost a year as a baby. It is absolutely soul destroying so I do sympathise! She is much better now than she used to be but still not great. We have a double sized floor bed for her so on really bad nights we can just get in with her. Have also found a tonies box useful! Sending good sleepy vibes and all the coffee ☕️

I won’t lie I have considered this may be the only way!! May try it over the Christmas holidays. Thank you

Solidarity sister! Haha. Thank you for the kind comment and reassurance. It feels like you’re the only one with a child that won’t sleep sometimes doesn’t it! I may have to try a floor bed as an option as we are desperate!

Hi op,

I also have a daughter born in March 2022 who is a shit sleeper! She has firm boundaries. She falls asleep stroking my hair. She wakes 1-5 times a night. Lots of other similarities from your post.

Basically you're not alone. It's shit. I started my own 'I'm so exhausted' thread myself just a few days ago. Sending you a big hug and reading this thread for advice!

My youngest was like this, it's sooo exhausting. We usually brought her in with us when she woke up, at least we all got some sleep that way.
Getting her a double is an option too if there's space in her room, then take turns sleeping in with her.
Then when we felt she was ready used reward charts to get her to stay in her own bed. It is normal I promise, and 3 is still very young.
She is 9 now and sleeps in her own bed. I always look back and think I just shouldn't have stressed about it, no teenager wants to sleep in their parents bed so they all do grow out of it eventually!

This a) makes me feel less alone and b) is so reassuring and gives me hope. Thank you. Will keep plugging through and try that too when she is ready. 🤍

It's torture. My nearly 4 year old has never slept through either. Has "incredibly low sleep needs" according to the sleep consultant (gentle) we resorted to. We also bought a low double bed and take turn about doing nights / co sleeping even now. So one of us at least gets to sleep. Trisha Double Bed frame - Bed 135x190 cm - 18 cm Height - Metal Platform Bed frame with Wood slat support - Black amzn.eu/d/b63JsXO This bed frame
We even put my son into nursery on my day off to try to tire him out more (had no effect) and to let me just....sleep!

My daughter took 4 years to sleep
Without me. In fact she pretty much never slept. They were very dark years. Looking back I'm sad I
Didn't just put another bed in our room. Instead I bought a double bed and a triple bunk when her sister then wanted to join in. I slept everywhere trying to make it work. She's ten now and still sleeps with me quite often. We often put her in our bed and move her when we come to
Bed. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I hadn't worried so much about trying to get her to sleep on her own and had just gone with it. Who cares what everyone else is doing. You have a very precious child who really wants to be with you and feel you near her. Keep that closeness as it's quite important I feel now. I
Feel your pain though. Is there anything you could do to make your life easier? If you stopped fighting the situation, what could you do that would work for everyone?