Nearly 3 years of daughter not sleeping through

[Peebleneeb]

Hi,

I’m at wits end with no clue how to improve my daughters sleep and desperately need help or advice.

For background my daughter was born in March 22 extremely premature at 24 weeks weighing just 1lb. We spent 4 months in 3 different NICUs across the UK getting her better and nearly lost her twice (as in were told she was dying). I’m telling you this as I’m not sure if this could be part of why she is a bad sleeper- or if it’s why maybe we created sleep crutches and completely avoided (and don’t like the idea of) sleep training of any kind. Because she’s so precious.

So to the sleep issue… My husband and I are absolutely zombies because my daughter is now nearly 3 (in a couple months) and still wakes up at least twice a night screaming for me. She has never been a good sleeper- has had us up anywhere between 1-10 times a night since she was born- now it’s mostly twice a night with a hellish bedtime. She has a nap midday-1.30pm ish sometimes 2pm each day but I’ve been trying to cap it (she is super grumpy when I cap it though so finding it hard). She goes to bed at 7.30pm/8pm and usually wakes for the final time anytime between 6-7am.

She takes anywhere between 20 minutes to an hour to get to bed and insists we stroke her hair or hold her hand. She has white noise machine (has always had this), a very dim night light on, is still in a cot bed with rails up as doesn’t and can’t climb out yet, has a duvet and pillow now but in the past has had sleep sacks. We have the exact same bed time routine and have for as long as I can remember- it’s milk, brush teeth, put pull ups on (she is potty trained during day now), read 1/2 books, put in bed and then I lie next to her until she’s asleep. I didn’t always lie next to her - when she was younger I could put her down stroke her head a bit and then walk out after 5 mins but she started screaming when I left so the only fix was to lie with her. It worked for awhile but now she wants us to stroke her hair too and screams and screams like she’s being murdered if we don’t, or if we leave. I am losing my fucking mind!!!

We are so kind and gentle with her but I hold firm boundaries in day to day life so I’m not a pushover- except for when she screams like that at bedtime and at night as I can’t bear it. I do most bedtimes and wake ups but daddy does a few as I work early shifts half the week (4am alarm). We have tried: turning off white noise, turning off night light, turning on brighter lamp, singing, reading to her while in bed, just walking out (lolllll nope), let her cry max 5 mins then go in (can’t cope any longer as she REALLY screams), just talking to her and asking her to go back to sleep if she wakes in the night, asking her if anything is frightening her and why she wakes up (she doesn’t know).

Is this unusual? What can I do? I can’t do this any more I’m going insane!

Thank you in advance ❤️

Hi friend!! My little girl was also born in the March. God it’s shit isn’t it hahaha! I feel looney I’m so done with it but we just keep going don’t we?! 🥲 No choice! Thank you for commenting to share in the exhaustion and share some moral support ❤️ sending the same right back. Hopefully we will look back at these threads one day and smile!

Hi!

My eldest is a May 2021 baby and has not slept through the whole night once in his 3.5 years. He needs one of us there to go to sleep (although since he dropped his nap a couple of months ago, goes to sleep pretty quickly) and then tends to wake up at 11pm ish for a quick cuddle. Sometimes we leave him asleep in his bed, sometimes we fall asleep with him (he has a small double).

People probably think we are mad but it works perfectly well for us! I’d rather the wake was at 11pm than 3am as I’m rarely asleep by that time, and we don’t really go out in the evening much. Occasionally my mum will babysit and she will go and give him the cuddle if we aren’t quite back (and then tell us at great length the next morning that we are nuts for not sleep training). He’s always been a huggy kind of kid and has been very easy to parent on all other fronts so I don’t mind just doing what is easy. Perhaps I’d change my mind if he was waking multiple times.

My second is 24m younger and has always been happier to fall asleep anywhere and often sleeps through. I didn’t do anything different - at least not deliberately - in terms of sleep. As PP said about her children - they are just very different kids!

Do whatever you feel you need to do to make things better for your family, but don’t feel pressured into doing something because you think your little one is abnormal in any way!

My dd has a reward jar and gets a marble for doing stuff like sharing with her brother or whatever. Sometimes I say to her if she does lots of good sleeping in her bed at night I'll give her 2 marbles in the morning 😂I know it will make bugger all difference but I was desperate!

You would tell off a scared 3 year old child for screaming in the night?!
During the daytime fine but at night?
Sorry but that just isn't and never will be my parenting style.
Awful

I think my little one is the same! Lots of suggestions for the double bed so may have to try this! Thank you very much ☺️

Things are much, much better now than when she was a baby. That was a truly terrible time for me. When I feel sad I always remind myself of how far things have improved since then.

My dh got his vasectomy, ain't no way I'm doing this again 😅

My DS is the same age as your daughter & rarely slept through either. We did just move him from his cot bed to a double bed (ikea neiden, very low down) with a guard rail and it's made a world of difference. Wish I did it sooner, but he never tried to climb either so I didn't think it was necessary. He's slept through 5 out of the last 7 nights and I think he's only calling for us again because he's poorly at the moment. Plus now we can sneak back out of his room if we want to when he's back asleep. Could be worth a try?

Same situation with a 4 year old here, and he'll only let me put him to sleep (usually takes 2-3 hours) and only I can look after him in the night. It's been brutal. Ended up getting double bed slats from IKEA and a comfy double bed and just making a floor bed, it's made a huge difference in terms of sleep quality. Still not perfect but don't think there's any hope of him sleeping through the night alone for a while so just making the best of a bad situation. Good luck! Sleep deprivation is awful.

My first was like this but he did grow out of it by 3.5 with the odd bad patch thrown in but by the age of 5 he was 99% perfect .
There was nothing that improved him and nothing that we did wrong as far as I can tell , unfortunately it's something you've just go to ride out !

Oh and just to add, my older DD started sleeping through from 12 months and pretty much slept through every night since.
We didn't do anything different it's just luck of the draw a lot of the time.
So it's not you doing it wrong

Self soothing is a thing 😊 my kids learnt it without any screaming involved

At 3 and a half, I told ds, that I was too tired to cook pancakes for breakfast, and he’d have to sleep all night without waking up if he wanted fancy breakfasts. I felt guilty about my sleep deprived unfiltered honesty and worried that I was psychologically damaging him.

He slept through that night.

I made pancakes and re-evaluated my parenting approach.

Op can you treat yourself to a night away next year? In 2025 I'm escaping to a travelodge alone for one night. I will pamper myself all evening long, get a take away, sleep as much as I like then go home the next day. My eldest turns 7 next year and it will literally be my first ever night away from the kids so it's definitely overdue. Can you do the same? Then you have something to look forward to and it sounds as though you definitely deserve it x

It really is so tiring! Thank you for commenting and the kind reassurance ❤️ the double bed idea is being mentioned alot so will try this!

My youngest is like this and she’s older than your child. It’s normal and trust me happens to loads of kids and parents. As a society we expect kids to sleep alone while we sleep with our spouses. Some other cultures have family beds/all sleep on floor beds etc I can see why! It’s frustrating. Having an older sibling can come in handy for us but doesn’t always work. She often disturbs her!
I figure it won’t last forever. She just wants to come in with us alllll the time. And I can’t sleep with her right next to me 😩

Thank you for commenting 🥰 i’m honestly so surprised but also feel so much better knowing i’m not alone in this! The double bed suggestion seems to be the one so going to look into getting one and trying it!

My youngest didn’t sleep through until mid way through year R….

She now has a starry nightlight and an Alexa in her room who plays classical music. She often wakes and asks Alexa for the music to help her settle.

she sleep talks/shouts a lot too.

you have my sympathy and solidarity!

Hahaha I love the extent us parents go to! Such a clever idea! Literally anything is worth a shot right now 🤣❤️

My youngest is 4.5 and gets in our bed most nights. I used to keep taking him back to his bed but tbh I've given up, everyone gets more sleep if he stays. He was nearly 4 when he stopped needing someone to sit with him until he fell asleep.

My eldest is a great sleeper and we didn't do anything much differently.

Tough love is needed, put to bed say goodnight. When they wake up take them back to bed and don’t talk. Don’t get all this stroking / handholding stuff. Some things are non negotiable.

I feel your pain. My DD is a July 22 baby. Wakes anywhere from 1-3 times a night, we’ve co-slept since she was 10 months old. I’ve tried everything, including putting her in her own bed! She had a week of sleeping through the night in my bed a month ago, I thought the struggle was over - she then caught a bad cold from nursery and now she doesn’t sleep through again. Also she moves around a lot in her sleep so I’m constantly covered in bruises from middle of the night kickings 🤣 I’m a single, lone parent so there’s no one to help out. Reading this thread has made me realise I’m not alone and it’s not my fault, some kids are just like this.

edited to say she also needs me to get to sleep, I read to her and have to stay either cuddling her or stroking her hair until she’s asleep, then sneak out and get on with housework/shower/doom scroll until she wakes up for the first time around midnight.

Just make sure you buy a really comfortable mattress!

DD4 started school in September. It's only since then that she has (semi) reliably started sleeping through in her own bed. She has a tonie/night light etc. Same bedtime routine since birth except since starting school i can now leave the room. She dropped her nap before 2 though. I shared a bed with her for way too long to get sleep. Good luck!

I don’t think you would be open to this and your DD is probably too old but we did very gentle sleep training for DT’s when they were five months old. We also moved them into their own rooms as they were disturbing each other - and us.
No crying it out involved. Took about three weeks. DS was easier than DD.

Yesss this is definitely the most suggested thing so it’s convinced me it’s worthwhile trying! Thank you so much for commenting 🥰