Grandparent slapped grandchild

[bluestoneboys]

How do you deal with a grandparent who slapped a grandchild round side of face, left a handprint, then claims ‘it wasn’t hard’ and ‘it was the only way to prevent further harm from angry dog’
child has autism and adhd as well as history of SA on fathers side so has no contact with them. He was shouting, swearing and hitting at the time (struggling with self regulating usually but these episodes are getting worse)
grandparents see him as disrespectful and rude
Currently he now has no unsupervised contact with said grandparent, he has lots of outside agencies involved due to previous abuse and very worried now that my own family will end up being the nail in the coffin when it comes to social services due to their lack of understanding and support, but also feel so sad for him because he doesn’t seem to now have a solid relationship with anyone but me.
Family place all blame on me and say that he’s just got a lack of discipline (which is not true imo)
Just about losing my mind now as I just want him to feel safe and happy - hes only 8 and already classed as suicidal by medical professionals and he’s had all the therapy he can have but it’s no use when everyone else is on a different page 💔

This happened to me with DS1 and my father. I was not in the room at the time. I immediately went very low contact and never ever left my children alone with him at any point from then on. My dad didn't even notice that he very rarely saw his own grandchildren anymore.

No the dog defended the child who she had been shouting at and getting in his face, I believe the dog has been used as an excuse.

Some of you who know nothing about working dogs, horses and the people who care for them need to know that theres a HUGE cultural context that you don't understand.

Let alone the challenges of parenting a child who is autistic, has been SA and possibly has complex PTSD or similar.

@bluestoneboys I hope you are doing OK reading this thread, there are some very harsh comments 🙁 . Even though i think ( hope ) they are coming from a good place , it must be very hard to read.

[Flowers]

My father lashed out at one of my (now adult) children once. I told him and my mother if he ever did it again he/they wouldn’t ever see us. He didn’t ever do it again. There are no excuses … children need to be protected.

For people saying this is not that serious, believe me, slapping an 8 year child around the face hard enough to leave a handprint will be taken seriously by children's services, whoever it's done by.

OP, you need to find a way to disentangle yourself from the situation with your parents and renting from them and I think that (from what you've said) any support from them is not worth the issues that come with it. They don't accept your son's additional needs, your mother doesn't grasp what she's done wrong and perhaps a period of low contact might be best all round, before worse happens.

I'm not saying this will be easy but it is something to work towards because your current situation doesn't sound supportable or in any way healthy. In the meantime, whatever you have to do, you have to ensure no unsupervised contact scrupulously, because you know that you are firmly and rightly on social services radar.

I am confusedp You said in your OP your DS was hitting shouting and swearing, and the dog was getting angry.. But now you are saying the dog was angry at the GM? I think you need to clarify what actually happened because it is rather confusing, and very key to the situation.

My feedback on this would be:

• completely inappropriate to slap an autistic, vulnerable child across the face
• completely inappropriate for your parents to suggest that autistic meltdowns/autism should be addressed with more discipline. Being punished is not going to make your child any less autistic...
• completely inappropriate of your parents to leave their dog in close proximity to the child if they know that meltdowns will agitate and confuse the animal to the point that it could become dangerous.

You said your parents are in their 50s so it is not even like they could have the excuse of being frail, elderly people who might have got flustered if the dog was acting out.

Your son has already suffered abuse in the past from what you have written and should not have to face more physical abuse from other family members.

It is your job to protect your vulnerable child.

Personally I would make it clear to your parents that they will no longer be left to care for your son and that you no longer tolerate any physical violence against your child or criticism of how you handle his meltdowns.

You also need to speak to social services/your local council and make it clear you need to find a place of your own to live for your son's safeguarding.

Actually I think that reporting your parent to the police will also help your case for accessing social housing so that your son can finally live in a safe and secure environment.

Whatever happened, it culminated in an already traumatised 8yo child having a visible handprint across his face. There's no scenario in which that isn't a crime.

I would go NC with them. It’s unacceptable behaviour from an adult, particularly when they know the child has a history of trauma.

It’s okay to sense check these sorts of things though. I think it shows you are taking this really seriously. My mum facilitated contact between my children and a known convicted paedophile. Honestly, when it happened, I had to come on MN and ask what other people would do. Because in my real life, people were looking at me like I had 3 heads when I said I wanted to go NC with her. ‘But it’s your mum!’ or ‘But I’m sure she didn’t mean any harm by it!’ was all I got from people around me initially. (Btw, I’m very grateful we are NC, the best thing I could have done for my children).

Yes, I would also report to police.

Personally I would make it clear to your parents that they will no longer be left to care for your son

Well they don't sound capable do they if the know what to do but disagree.

who she had been shouting at and getting in his face,-plus this!

What a truly terrible situation that your mother was so threatening that the dog felt the need to defend the child.
My heart breaks for the child op, they have been through so much already. Even trusted loved ones can’t actually be trusted at all.

Move house if your mother is using the house to control you. It’s now time to really demonstrate that you will stand up for him, that no one will harm him on your watch.

You are going to end up with the worst outcome if you don’t intervene and stop this relationship.

I’m going to go against the grain here, it’s better to build bridges. Of course it’s wrong to slap a child , but as a single parent to a kid with disabilities, having extended family can be a big support, do you wan to lose that OP? . Parenting has changed massively since the GPs were parents, it’s all about the child now, it was less so when they were raising kids and even less so when they were kids themselves. My father kicked my son when he was about 6. Father was in the early stages of dementia and couldn’t cope with his boisterousness. DH was furious, I was cross but knew it wasn’t a huge issue. By all means signal very clearly he’s crossed a line, but to throw the relationship away is drastic.

Thank you!
Yes the animals are my life and my son has his animals too, it’s one of the very few things that remain constant in his life, and also teaches him huge things beyond responsibility, whether we’re having a good day or a bad day, he learns from vets, farriers, myself who’s very overqualified in the industry, he’s already trained up for when he’s of age to take exams on this front and his equestrian knowledge is better than some apprentices I’ve met! But it does mean obviously I cannot just up and leave a place without multiple lorry’s and a lot of money

Cockers can be a little unpredictable, and possibly bit your mother because it was stressed with the noise from your son. Difficult situation. The Springer may be a little mad, but generally (as you know) very pleasant dogs to have around.

Agreed.
So sorry for what you and your child are going through OP. No extra advice to offer other than to say it sounds like a very difficult situation and you are doing your best to work your way through it.

You don’t need to up and leave. You just need to keep your thug of a mother away until you have a long term plan.

Is your son in counselling op? Does he have professional support. Some counselling can be done with horses.

Yes cockers aren’t my breed of choice and that is one of the reasons but none the less lovely little dogs, this one is new ish to the family, but does not show any signs of potential twitchiness that some others can, and we do have a lovely cocker that has never done any wrong but will say we ‘don’t trust’ around son

Yes he is in therapy and I put his pony fully through her paces before gifting her to him for Christmas last year - but he’s definitely a fair weather friend to horses currently, hoping once the shock of winter sets in and he’s a bit more acclimatised he’ll be keen to get back out with her!

It will be great for his mental health. I am sorry you are in this position. One day he will grow up and remember everything you are doing for him. I find your mother’s actions sickening especially given his vulnerability.

Your son was hitting your mother and egging on the dog to attack her!! She was acting in self defence! Your ds needs to learn that actions have consequences. If you hit someone you are going to get hit back. Hopefully he has learned a lesson!

What do you usually do, when he hits you?

How did your parents "discipline" you as a child ?

Because hitting a child on the face (and leaving a mark) is abuse. It was never ok / not in the 1980's and not now

Why would you leave, if the animals are the best thing in life for you and your Ds? I cant imagine how damaging that would be for you both !

You've had enough loss already in your lives.

And it sounds like things with your parents are salvageable in the medium term and that your son will benefit from having them in his life in some way. This is obviously a flash point that shows you all there needs to be some changes - you all need a bit of time and support to work out how that will look.

Please think about pushing SS to get him some respite - do it now while he's still not seeing his GP alone. That gives you sone leverage as SS have stopped you using some of your existing support system.

They won’t do it if you ask nicely and logically. They will only put their hands in their pockets if they think that they might end up getting him a crisis. The point of the respite is to support you both so he can stay at home, where it sounds like he's doing really well.

SS know how much this will costs then if it all goes pear shaped when hes 12 and their only option is a residential unit. Im sorry to talk about money all the time but that’s all they care about 😢. You need to talk in their language or they wont hear you. .

Well I’d never leave my horses - which is why I’m permanently hunting for more land to rent set away from their house, but financially that’s a mission in itself
but I do not think their is any changing grandparents outlook unfortunately- even now, my mum says she ‘snapped’ and that’s why he had a handprint across his face, and that if it happened again she doesn’t think anything would be done differently

Always was a smack, and I was born mid 90s and am the oldest child, they say smacking should not be illegal
But they are also set on ‘children should respect adults’ - without any reason