Grandparent slapped grandchild

[bluestoneboys]

How do you deal with a grandparent who slapped a grandchild round side of face, left a handprint, then claims ‘it wasn’t hard’ and ‘it was the only way to prevent further harm from angry dog’
child has autism and adhd as well as history of SA on fathers side so has no contact with them. He was shouting, swearing and hitting at the time (struggling with self regulating usually but these episodes are getting worse)
grandparents see him as disrespectful and rude
Currently he now has no unsupervised contact with said grandparent, he has lots of outside agencies involved due to previous abuse and very worried now that my own family will end up being the nail in the coffin when it comes to social services due to their lack of understanding and support, but also feel so sad for him because he doesn’t seem to now have a solid relationship with anyone but me.
Family place all blame on me and say that he’s just got a lack of discipline (which is not true imo)
Just about losing my mind now as I just want him to feel safe and happy - hes only 8 and already classed as suicidal by medical professionals and he’s had all the therapy he can have but it’s no use when everyone else is on a different page 💔

This and yes I would have reported them to the police. Protect your child.

Yes, they are very much ‘behind the times’ and believe what they believe

I agree here

My son has been disciplined by my parents. (Not a slap around the face I do think that is excessive) but actually his behaviour since with them has been much improved and he constantly asks to go to theirs

"If he wants to stay with me he'll learn when to stay quiet", combined with a slap round the face hard enough to leave a mark = major lines crossed. It's extremely clear now that this isn't a one of situation of an elderly grandparent struggling to cope in a moment of crisis. The dog thing also feels increasingly like a red herring, or more accurately, an excuse from the grandparent. This is someone in their fifties, fit and active, deliberately choosing to treat a vulnerable child this way.

Your priority has to be to get him away, OP. I know it's not easy but with everything you've said this picture is getting worse and worse.

Yes this is definitely something I’m going to look into now, I would assume a little bit of care would probably be less pressure than school or gp rules (they micromanage) so he might really enjoy it after a while 😬

I'm so sorry love. That sounds awful. I would probably cut contact for now love.

Some of you ( i assume with no experience of these things ) are trying to make everything black and white . There are no simple solutions where the OP moves work location , the never sees GP again and everything is fine.

Child has complex needs and has positive relationship with GP.

Gp are not bad people , they are not abusers , regardless of what mistakes they made handling this incident.

GP struggle to understand and manage child ( as most people on this thread would ). They are presumably angry at SS who are telling them they cant be with their GC, when they are the ones supporting their DD and GS and not SS.

As PP have said, they are of a generation ( and I suspect culture ) where a slap in that situation is seen as not ideal but ok under the circumstances .

Also the GP must be devastated about the SA , they must be fighting the urge to go after the child’s father with a shotgun.

So “ no unsupervised contact “ has become YET ANOTHER task for the Op. she’s caught between her parents and her kids, having to impose a rule thats mostly about keeping SS paperwork looking good ( I'm assuming that the GP wouldn’t do it again now ).

It’s not helping her son and both he and her parents are angry at her. The one who is holding everything together here.

None of you pontificating on MN are going to watch her child for her while she mucks out the horses , are you ? None of you are going to pay her bills if she moves away ( from the animals and routine that her child loves ). It’s not that easy.

What was the angry dog?

It might be worth beginning to really get to know the disability provision in your area generally. Obviously you have loads on your plate right now, and your son is very young still, but from my working life in learning disability, neurodiversity and additional needs I've seen the huge value there is in a person being well versed in the providers that are in their area. There are some fantastic people out there, running some brilliant projects and services, but it can be hard to know what's out there.

I'm not even thinking along the lines of sending your son anywhere right now - I know that probably wouldn't be right. But you might make some useful connections and be able to find some good quality, competent support workers. Many work self employed and can come by recommendation (that's primarily how I work now). These tend to be more able to focus on their client in a person-centred way and really build a relationship and trust than an agency worker who might be with different people every day.

Anyway, I know this is a whole big topic and there's plenty of time. But I wanted to maybe bring this seed of thought into your mind for your journey forwards - there is a lot of support out there, it just can be hard to find. A good respite carer who builds a relationship with your son could be very beneficial. Are you in any SEN/autism/high needs etc parenting groups of any kind?

It really depends on what happened. If the boy was winding up a dog who was looking like it might bite and they couldn't restrain the boy nor would he listen then honestly it seems like they did what needed to happened to save it from being a worse situation.

Absolutely this.

So sorry that you are getting grief from utter arseholes on this thread OP.

Seems its easier to type out righteous outrage that actually be able to understand the real life and very isolated and stressful situation OP is in. But why understand that when its so much easier to stick the boot in, eh?

You are clearly a loving, dedicated, intelligent and very empathetic mother OP. I'm sorry you don't have supportive family.

Clip round the ear, slap etc all things they say yes.
problem is with a history of sexual abuse, his default is to protect himself by lashing out, so it’s not that simple.
he didn’t know he was autistic until my mother told him so, he’s never been allowed to use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. The only person who has done that is also my mother, in public.
autism/adhd are not excuses, but can be explanations for certain things.
Sexual abuse is a whole different ballgame especially when coupled with autism. And because he has a very impressive memory, he relives that abuse on every little trigger, he doesn’t like being spoken down to because that means something bad is about to happen, he doesn’t like being picked up, restrained, and naturally he doesn’t like being hit.
but these aren’t just things he doesn’t like, they’re also things that take him right back to when his OTHER grandmother was doing absolutely horrible things to him while his father lied to the police to keep her out of cuffs - and although the police believed my son, the court wouldn’t take the case because it was two adults against one child.

First I’m not at all techy but on this occasion I think you need and deserve a virtual hug. You are doing your best as a mum in a very difficult situation. You need help and support from other mums who have some experience of the problems you are facing. You also need good professional help for you and your son. As a former teacher I got to learn a bit about autistic students. Their lives can be so full of fear and anxiety and their meltdowns hard to handle. Perhaps if you have a close enough relationship with you parents they might be willing to try and understand their grandson when things have calmed down a bit. I had some professional training but I also found the first series of The A word very helpful.

His is what I'm trying to understand. Was he being violent towards the dog and at the end of her tether, she slapped him in an attempt to stop him?

Was your DS hurting the dog or doing something to antagonise it? So your DF smacked your DS to get him away from the dog?
It sounds like SS have investigated and deemed it ok for your DF to have contact albeit supervised (presumably by your DM or yourself). If you’re not happy with that then you have no choice but to stop going with your DS to your place of work. In winter, 2x daily, it’s not ideal for a child anyway. You say it’s only 20 minutes but in reality it isn’t. It’s a 20 mile round trip plus time spent outside, so it’s going to be at least 90 minutes x2 a day.
If you won’t allow your DF access to your DS without you being present, then you can’t expect any support from your parents - do you think your DM should stand outside supervising him whilst you see to the horses? He’s hit you, what’s to stop him hitting her?
Theres no doubt that parenting such a complex high needs child is challenging, now’s the time to decide what’s going to be best all round for him going forward. He’s only going to get stronger - can you see yourself managing his violence singe handedly? Perhaps consider finding a school that’s a better fit for him.

Report the grandparent to the police and cut all contact with them

Thank you! I will have to add to my watch list 🤩

If the child was hitting the dog then I'm sorry but I'm siding with the grandparent. I have a child with diagnosed ASD and even that doesn't excuse animal abuse

@bluestoneboys i know you are worried that SS might remove your son. They’ve wont , because they almost certainly have nowhere to put him . Sorry to be so blunt , but they don’t have foster careers queueing up to have a full time placement of an 8 yo boy with so many challenges who is also home schooled.

They would have to find FC AND a specialist school place - thats mega bucks for them.

So even with salaried FC, they can't find even two adults who will do what you do with him. And thats top of you trying to earn a living . Hard proof that you amazing and the best person for him.

howebver i agree that you need regular respite, but SS wont do this while they think you are coping. You will need to push them REALLY and even then it will take months to set up. They will only do it if they think that things at home are likely to break down and they will have to accommodate your son FT.

Ideally your son would have respite , say one or two weekends a month with the same family. I ve done this in the past with a specialist agency. You are right that the kids tend to be much less challenging in such a placement.

That would give you and your son some support while the issues with your ex and your parents work themselves out.

Just my opinion.

He would never hurt an animal, they don’t pose a threat in his mind, but naturally the dogs don’t like shouting - I have also had an ‘argument’ with my son while the dog in question has been around and I can only take from my experience that the dog would have been threatening my mother not my son, but her opinion is different

Do you mean breed? We keep working dogs, my springer has been an absolute godsend and quite honestly I couldn’t have done the last 8 years without her, dog in question is a cocker and also very loving - does bark and did grab GP in situation but not child

No he would never hit an animal, he was lashing out at my mother (as was the dog)

So the dog bit the grandparent? Honestly it sounds like it was all wildly out of control. It really depends on if they are normally loving grandparents or not. A biting dog and a violent child who won't be told are a lot for anyone to handle. Only you know if isolating yourself further is the best way forward.

Right so grandma was being hit by an 8 year old which triggered the dog to also attack her...the woman was defending herself...

This is what I would do too.