Grandparent slapped grandchild

[bluestoneboys]

How do you deal with a grandparent who slapped a grandchild round side of face, left a handprint, then claims ‘it wasn’t hard’ and ‘it was the only way to prevent further harm from angry dog’
child has autism and adhd as well as history of SA on fathers side so has no contact with them. He was shouting, swearing and hitting at the time (struggling with self regulating usually but these episodes are getting worse)
grandparents see him as disrespectful and rude
Currently he now has no unsupervised contact with said grandparent, he has lots of outside agencies involved due to previous abuse and very worried now that my own family will end up being the nail in the coffin when it comes to social services due to their lack of understanding and support, but also feel so sad for him because he doesn’t seem to now have a solid relationship with anyone but me.
Family place all blame on me and say that he’s just got a lack of discipline (which is not true imo)
Just about losing my mind now as I just want him to feel safe and happy - hes only 8 and already classed as suicidal by medical professionals and he’s had all the therapy he can have but it’s no use when everyone else is on a different page 💔

Yes, as others have said, you need to stop all contact - what they did was unforgivable.

She’s not trying to minimise it for her convenience. That’s a horrible thing to say.

This is not so black and white as people make out, This child is 8 years old a nd by the OP's own admission is violent and dangerous (earlier thread) and his former school said much the same thing.
Presumably the GP has been involved 8 years without violent incident. It is a testament to her that she has. Some 8 year olds can be quite big and hefty. From the ops account , the child was in a violent fury and the GP had to intervene to stop him further provoking the dog, who i am guessing could have inflicted much more serious injuries than a slap!
I dont think this is your mum's fault , she is not equipped to deal with such a child! I think you are crazy to cut off your sole support. Everyone else (family and schools)have turned against you.

You live ten miles away from them but he is finding himself wandering into their house - how does this work? I ask not in an antagonistic way but because possibly with there being that physical distance between his home and their home, is there not anything logistical that can be done to prevent him from getting to their home?

Thanks, but I’m in no way minimising it, I’m horrified and struggling with how to move forward when I am yet to find suitable land to rent away from the land that I grew up on and have built both a non profit charity and a business on

It is categorically not testament to anyone to go 8 years (or any amount of time) without violent incident against a child. That's called the bare minimum of acceptable conduct.

It's also cruel to say that OP mustn't cut off the only people who haven't "turned against her". There is heaps of support out there for OP, she just needs to find it, and I'm sure she will. She's already helped her son make loads of positive progress.

Also, I would say that hitting my child IS someone "turning against me".

Don’t engage with them OP. They are clearly just here to be awful.

I rent land from them at their home, I have to visit a minimum of twice a day, it was ok in warm weather as he’d come with me to do health checks, feed etc with horses and ride his pony, but now the weather has changed, he is leaning towards ‘I want to go inside’
also he WANTS to see his grandparents and no matter how many times I have explained why he can’t go without me, he takes off and then getting him out the house becomes a whole new drama - which I do, but then everyone is hostile because he starts yelling

Who looks after your ds whilst you work?

No, I am not saying that.I am saying is testament to her that she is still willing g to look adter him after 8 years given his his levels of violence,swearing and generally intimidating dysregulated behaviour.
Everyone has a breaking point! And it sounds as though she could not just safely walk away from the situation to cool down (which would be the usual advice)
Your poor dm is as much a victim in this incident as your child.

Can you explain what the dog's part is in all this? Why is there an angry dog present in an already volatile situation?

Why was the child slapped instead of the dog removed?

He’s homeschooled and comes with me, I don’t work long hours & work for myself so he comes, he has his own pony out there with my horses - issue is now it’s cold, dark and wet, he wants to go into parents house for 20 minutes while I do checks in the evening, and trying to stop him is becoming hard, if I can find someone that can manage him for that time that would be a bonus for winter months but also the cost will soon add up, today we’ve spent most of the day looking at super warm coats and headlights in the hopes that might be the way to keep him out with me (and when I say 20 minutes, that it’s all it takes in winter evenings so I’m not asking him to stay out in the cold and the dark for hours watching me do stuff - he’s quite helpful when he wants to be tbh! )

No I'm sorry, even with your clarifications the adult who slapped the child is not "just as much a victim". Yes, it can be immensely challenging being around a person, adult or child, who can be volatile and violent. I've been a support worker for adults with learning disability and "difficult" behaviours for ten years. I know how hard it is and that the difficult is compounded when it's your own family.

It would also be different if OP's child had sustained an injury by accident because the grandparent had had to forcibly move him or stop him doing something, if that's what the situation was, for his own safety. A slap round the face is VERY different.

Yes that was exactly what I asked GP - to no answer which makes me more angry as I feel dog is just an excuse for ‘I lost control of myself and the situation’

The fact she's asking for other opinions? Mmmm, I think the fact you find that concerning is more of a reflection on you!
It's always good practice to get other opinions.

I don't know anything about your incident and the fact it was on the face and left a mark is all very concerning and also against the law.

Whilst not optimal, however, one of my parents did smack one of my children once, only once, in their entire lives. They were in sole care of them, acting as a parent, and regrettably lost their temper with a child that was also ND. The child was also lashing out. I have done the same myself, although not since they were three years old. My parent was distraught, terribly worried about losing contact and probably not equipped to look after a difficult child and so that was on me, not them. They were very very sorry, very upset and never did it again. The value of this parent to us has been immeasurable and we have never hidden this one smack- but we are a close and loving family where someone once lost their temper and to have broken up that family for that mistake (and it was a mistake) would have been wrong for us. There have no further instances, and I don't smack my children any more either- but when they were little, highly defiant and smacking us, we had lost our temper (once or twice in life, not as a form of punishment) which was our loss of control, not the fault of the child.

I'm not telling you this, I'm telling you because I think sometimes parents fall short of what's good parenting and all we can do is own the mistake and not repeat it. The problem here is that I'm not sure the grandparent does own the mistake or thinks its a mistake.

I feel for you OP, all of you are caught in such a difficult situation. I hope you find a way through.

OP, I don't know how much of this side of things you've already explored. You might have looked into this already, but have you enquired about respite care for your son of an evening? Some agencies are able to supply a support worker/carer for chunks of time. I know school was a problem so I don't know whether it would be suitable, given the success you've had removing him from situations like that. But could it be an option to give you that regular evening (or late afternoon, whichever it is) time to do your work tasks?

Have you spoken to your son about what happened, apologised for not being there to stop the violence, and promised to him that keeping him safe is your priority?
Does he know that no adult, not even family, has the right to do what they did to him? Because you need to make it clear that abuse against him is fundamentally wrong. Without this, what chance does he have to understand his own violent impulses.

The very sad thing here is that if I were the grandparent, I would have to pull back from caring from this child, as I know myself, and if I saw an animal being injured, or even got hit regularly myself, I may react instinctively with a smack without thinking it through and, given that risk, I would prefer not to have sole care of a child who is very defiant or violent. That's sad as that's your respite and your help and I'm not sure that would help the whole situation you find yourself in but I know myself and I know I couldn't do it. I'm so sorry for you OP.

Agree with this actually. I know my parents struggle with my son. They are of a generation which had no problem with smacking and thinks autism and ADHD in children is an excuse for poor behaviour and stems from poor parenting and nothing I say to them will ever change their minds

Why won't your parents give you the detail of what led up the slap?

Can ss help get you into housing? You cannot live with these people family or not. Your son will go thru much worse living somewhere he isn't wanted and abused .

OP just for clarification he was hitting his GP or the dog?

I don't think he should be around the unfortunately it sounds unsafe for everyone. I understand the fear about loss of your support system, but if they don't accept his diagnosis they will never be able to even learn the best way to manage his behaviour, supervised or not.

reach out to SS for help and opportunities for respite. keep doing your best.

Can you not have discussions beforehand about expectations? We’re only going for 20 minutes. You can sit in the car. We’re not going into Granny’s house—she hit you last time. We’re not going into the house—there is a dangerous dog. It’s not safe. Would you prefer to help with the horses, to watch, or to stay in the car? You choose.

Go over expectations at home, and again upon arrival.

I'm sorry things are so shit for you OP. I can tell some posters here have never experienced having a child with complex needs, lucky them!
Are you claiming DLA for him? And Carers Allowance if you're eligible for that? Then maybe you could afford to pay pay someone to watch him while you're with the horses, or even afford to stop using the land you rent to distance him from GP.

Can you verify if all of this is true as your posts are a bit muddled.

Your child's school said your child is dangerous (did they use 'dangerous'?) which is why he's been homeschooled.

Your child has been sexually assaulted by his dad and so there is social services involvement.

Your parents have supported him for the last 8 years without incident.

This was the first time the grandparents hit him and it was because he was abusing a dog. Do you know what he was going to it?

I think if he's violent and abusing animals now you absolutely need to tell social services as that is an escalation. They will advise you of next steps and may be able to refer you for support. Just to reassure you that I have never known them to take away a child with behaviour issues like yours based on a single incident of slapping from a family member.