Normal to feel like this at baby groups?

[Showbel]

Hi I feel like I'm the odd one out and just want to know if my feelings are valid?
I have a 4 month old DD and have tried 2 different baby groups and I find them really difficult?

I basically go in with baby, they do some songs with puppets which are really good tbh and my DD does pay attention, and then there is 'free play' (me basically trying to get my baby to interact with toys) - but no matter how much I try and talk to other parents, it is just small talk and there isn't anything of substance? I've been going since she was 8 weeks old and just can't bond with anyone. I did bond with one girl at a group but she stopped going as her son had outgrown the group. There's no talk of motherhood or milestones or anything, stuff that I actually want to talk to people about? I want to enjoy the positive days but I also want to have a good moan with other mums too!!!??? There's different mums all the time as well. There's a few regulars but I don't know them well enough to invite them out for coffee, I'm not really bonding with them. I dread going to both groups each week because it just seems so much effort, and probably selfish of me but I'm not actually getting anything out of them. Some days I only say a couple of sentences because I'm making so much effort to talk to others and just not getting anything back?! It's really depressing and anxiety inducing. I don't know if it's because they think I'm a bad mum or if it's the way I look or something else? (I always seem to have baby sick on me. and I'm still in the 'comfy clothes' stage post c section!)

I've signed up to a 6 wk sensory course in a few weeks and I'm dreading that now as well that it's going to be the same thing, and I'm worried it's going to be all cliquey, with people just going with their friends and their babies.

Is this just the thing with baby groups? I was under the impression they'd be supportive and welcoming but my experiences have been the opposite?

Completely reasonable. I couldn’t find a connection. Maybe because my baby was the focus.

If you have the mindset this is about your baby socialising and you’re just tagging along like the gooseberry on a date, all becomes clear.

I found connections at play groups where you had more time to chat as the kids were older and went off to play by themselves.

It’s daunting going to new groups and it’s true that many people go with friends they already have. I’ve made some incredible mum friends through baby groups though so it’s worth keeping going with it if you do want to make friends.
I would get chatting and if there’s someone you click with after a couple of weeks of seeing them at the group ask if they’d like to grab a coffee after. If they don’t want to they’ll make some excuse and it doesn’t matter. If they do then fantastic!
Ive also found if you go to lots of different things in the same area - library rhyme time, coffee in local cafe, farm, playgroup etc you start bumping into the same people!

Yeah I couldn’t make any connection with people at baby groups. I would have loved a mum friend to chat to. Not just you Op!

I can only speak from experience.

I went to baby groups to give some structure to the day and to get out of the house. I liked talking to people but I was so shattered and, subconsciously I knew I was on the countdown to going back to work, I never really got beyond light chit chat with people. I wasn’t really there to make friends. I wouldn’t have said no to a coffee at all, but it wasn’t my primary focus. I feel most were in the same boat. Just getting through a lovely, albeit really abnormal stage of life.

Once I was back to work I went to a weekly toddler group with DC1. I made some really good friends there who I see socially without the DC now, although to get to that stage it was probably at least a year of regular toddler group?

I'm long past that stage now but I actively avoided anyone who wanted to talk about milestones/baby stages. I wanted adult company, which is why I went to the groups. Four month olds don't really benefit from groups, other than getting time/attention from their primary care giver. Just leave if they aren't fit for purpose, you shouldn't be paying only to be dreading it every time!

I feel like I really missed out by having my eldest during the pandemic. By the time DC2 came along she was 1y 9m and it just wasn't feasible to do any baby classes as the toddler was such a whirlwind! Now two and done so I don't think I'll ever have 'baby' friends (we did NCT but everyone - including us - left London post babies so we're all over the country now).

It's improving now DD is 4 and I go to birthday parties and chat to the other parents, as she's old enough to have fun with supervision rather than me actually being in there, but I'd have really loved to have made mum friends back then. God knows I'd have appreciated it. A lot of my friends are now having their first DC and I do have to really hold back my envy in order to be happy for them when they talk about going to baby classes and having mum friends.

I went to a few baby groups for the benefit of my baby. She was older at that point though, didn't bother when she was small because I don't feel they get much out of it. I have all the friends I need, I didn't join to make mum friends, I didn't want to talk about milestones etc with people I didn't know and had no intention of keeping up with once I went back to work. I have no doubt there are plenty of others who felt like me and perhaps that's the bulk of your group. If you aren't getting what you want from this group then I'd just try and find a different one.

Yes I agree with this. I went to get out of the house and give me and baby something to do, and have some company. I didnt want to talk about milestones tbh it becomes like a competition and someone inevitably ends up feeling anxious. Plus by the time you've had your second + you've seen it all before anyway. I'd rather talk about what's in the news and local things etc than what my baby has or hasn't learned to do yet. I didn't make any proper friends at groups either but I didn't go to them to make friends, just to pass the time really.

I could never be asked to speak to people at baby groups, that honestly isn’t what I was there for. I was really just there to get out of the house and have my baby/toddler in a different environment. If someone would try and speak with me, I’d be polite but that was about it. I do have two that have an 11 month age gap so I was ALWAYS tired.

I found when I did a 8 parenting course, friendships were formed more naturally. People got to know each other and some exchanged numbers and kept in touch. I didn’t because I personally didn’t need anymore friends or ‘mum’ friends but maybe see if your local council also does parenting courses? They’re quite popular in SW London

I found similar, you're not alone.
I met my 'best' mum friend on the peanut app, worth checking out if you haven't already!

Most groups are designed around the interaction between the mum/adult and their baby, not group communication/bonding. Do you have a local Mamababybliss? They run lovely baby groups that very much mother the mother and encourage social connection. Local charities also might do similar.

I think it can be good to rein in expectations. I did the same as you, going along to various groups, and did feel a little unsettled with the somewhat forced small talk. The constant vigilance required with very young children does not help. There's no reason to suppose that women in the neighbourhood who have babies at around the same time as you are going to be soulmates.

However I found things got a better by school age when it was possible to relax more and have sustained conversations rather than having to constantly firefight baby/toddler problems.

Aww OP I felt the same. I had a hard first year with my baby and didn't really bond with my antenatal group like I'd hoped, then found at baby groups I'd chat to people and make the odd friendly acquaintance but never seemed to be able to figure out how to take it to the next level. I actually cried after one group, full on sobbed; it was centered around an activity which was very much my scene and I was so excited and hopeful I'd maybe start to find my tribe, but everyone was just there with their friends and I felt like such an odd duck. I felt very lonely for a while. If it helps, it does get easier I think - I'm now going to toddler groups and although I still wouldn't say I've made proper friends, I've met some lovely people to chat to every week and to be fair, everyone is so focussed on their busy toddler that it doesn't seem to matter so much any more.

Are there other groups you can try? I had a similar experience for quite a while and found it quite upsetting. Then I went to a group in a village further away. It was smaller but instantly felt better. Lots more comfortable chat and discussions about each others kids, life, etc.
theres only one mom I’ve made proper friends with, where we speak/meet away from the group but the rest of us enjoy catching up every week. It seems like we all look forward to it.
Also groups are easier when your child is old enough to interact with toys, et.

I feel the same OP. It’s really hard, my mum made some great friends in baby groups that she’s still friends with now.

i find Mat leave lonely and yes, a lot of mums come to groups with their friends and you hear them making plans for coffee etc. it’s hard.

Yes, I've done one of these 8 week courses in Merton at one of the children's centres. It was nice because I think from memory it was longer than a 45mins baby group? So more time to talk to other mums and less structured so not rushing through the songs / puppets / sensory bits of things like Hartbeeps / Baby Sensory etc.

Honestly I’ve had such mixed experiences

We moved in March. The group I went to before was lovey and made a couple of great friends and everyone else was easy to have some nice small talk with.

The groups I’ve gone to since moving have been terrible. So cliquey, judgey, no one talks to anyone outside their group. People who start going tend to disappear quickly leaving only the cliquey regulars

i just take the attitude of I’m there for my kid to socialise and stopped caring about making mum friends. It’s a lot easier

also, I found it much easier to make friends on the courses rather than baby groups. Definitely get closer for some reason

I totally agree. I found it really awkward and dreaded the 20 minutes where I tried to get my little one to play whilst also feeling like the odd one out with no other adult to speak to. I went to Bloom baby sensory classes and loved those..no awkward breaks (except when you dress up your little one with their props, but it was literally 5 mins) and found it much easier to speak to other parents there. Much more laid back!

I'll add that with DD1, I did a baby group and it was really good. Noone was in a group so everyone chatted to each other. Very friendly. The leader also paired everyone off randomly to chat for 5mins (my worst nightmare but actually did good job at giving everyone chance to chat). This was in 2021. I've just done the same class with DD2 this term and it's not as good. The pairing off bit has gone and there are a lot more people attending in groups. So I think it can be hit and miss of who just happens to sign up at the same time as you.

Sorry I'm one of the mums who doesn't go past small talk. I go to groups to knacker my child out and hope they will then nap.

Also comparing milestones is fine if the kids are developing normally. I always try to be positive about other people's kids but my child is extremely behind and is clear now they are autistic.

Sorry I'm all those other mums. I go to the baby groups so my baby can play and that's it. I consider it a win if I get away without any mums or dads cornering me with any small talk.
🤷🏽‍♀️

There's meeting mums apps maybe try them?

I met my friends at a baby group BUT here's the thing - (1) I kept going and going so the small talk eventually turns into more talk (2) The friends who remain are the ones who already had bought homes in the village. Everyone renting has moved on. That might not be the same if you live in a city (3) because it was a village we cross pollinated with other groups like Mummy and baby workout classes. I talk to everyone, I think you should sing for your supper at groups like that so I made huge efforts to include everyone.

I found it a mixed bag. I was suffering with PND and went to a baby group I'd heard good things about, like how wonderful the leaders were at making you feel welcome etc. Well they made me feel anything but welcome & one of the other mums asked another new mum to sit with a group of them & just ignored me! I felt awful. I emailed the leader after & she apologised but I didn't go back. On the flip side I've been to a few good ones but find you often have to make the first move

I think what others have said is pretty accurate. I think a lot of people aren't going to make friends, it's just to get them out of the house or give some structure, and light small talk is all they want. But I think occasionally you find a kindred spirit. I've got a couple of women I met at baby groups who have turned into good friends, but it did take a little while to grow organically rather than 'We both have babies, let's be friends!'

If people are actively unfriendly that's another matter, of course. But I've never experienced that tbh (or maybe just been oblivious).