Normal to feel like this at baby groups?

[Showbel]

Hi I feel like I'm the odd one out and just want to know if my feelings are valid?
I have a 4 month old DD and have tried 2 different baby groups and I find them really difficult?

I basically go in with baby, they do some songs with puppets which are really good tbh and my DD does pay attention, and then there is 'free play' (me basically trying to get my baby to interact with toys) - but no matter how much I try and talk to other parents, it is just small talk and there isn't anything of substance? I've been going since she was 8 weeks old and just can't bond with anyone. I did bond with one girl at a group but she stopped going as her son had outgrown the group. There's no talk of motherhood or milestones or anything, stuff that I actually want to talk to people about? I want to enjoy the positive days but I also want to have a good moan with other mums too!!!??? There's different mums all the time as well. There's a few regulars but I don't know them well enough to invite them out for coffee, I'm not really bonding with them. I dread going to both groups each week because it just seems so much effort, and probably selfish of me but I'm not actually getting anything out of them. Some days I only say a couple of sentences because I'm making so much effort to talk to others and just not getting anything back?! It's really depressing and anxiety inducing. I don't know if it's because they think I'm a bad mum or if it's the way I look or something else? (I always seem to have baby sick on me. and I'm still in the 'comfy clothes' stage post c section!)

I've signed up to a 6 wk sensory course in a few weeks and I'm dreading that now as well that it's going to be the same thing, and I'm worried it's going to be all cliquey, with people just going with their friends and their babies.

Is this just the thing with baby groups? I was under the impression they'd be supportive and welcoming but my experiences have been the opposite?

I think that’s pretty normal for these baby groups really. For me, it was nice to get out of the house, add a bit of structure to my day/week, play with baby and chat a bit with the other mums. It was never very deep! I already had(have!) friends, and that was enough for me really. I did find that once the kids were a bit older, toddler playgroups seemed pretty good for making more friendly acquaintances (I’d still not necessarily say ‘close friends’ but a bit more along those lines!), not sure why. Maybe down to kids playing on their own a bit more allowing you to chat more?

I found them to be incredibly cliquey. Most of the people there went with someone or knew someone when they got there. Nobody made an effort to speak to me beyond a very superficial level such as how old is your baby? What are they called?
I went to get out of the house and break up the monotony.
Once ds2 was born I found it difficult to get out with 2. By then I had a friend to go with, but more often than not I ended up not going as ds1 usually fell asleep just as it was time to leave.
I suppose it depends on the area you live in. Some places may be more welcoming than others.
I haven’t remained friends with one single person I met at parent and toddler groups.

I think a lot of people make friends at pregnancy yoga/their ante-natal class/other pregnancy related events etc. so already have a group to share things like milestones and have a ready-made support network when the babies are born. I don't think people are being cliquey, more that they don't have the headspace or time to cultivate completely new friendships when they have a small baby. Some people do of course, but I think that's the exception rather than the rule.

OP did you do anything like NCT classes or the equivalent?

@OolongTeaDrinker My hospital offered antenatal classes, but there were only 3 sessions and only online via teams. There wasn't much open discussion tbh. More a teaching session with time for questions at the end.. I didn't do pregnancy yoga etc because I had quite bad SPD and working full time just never had the time or energy. After a full day's work on my feet I only just had the energy to walk the dog though my partner did help with that towards the end. NCT classes aren't available in my area according to their website.
There's a breastfeeding support group I might start attending and there's a pram fit thing in the park once a month that I'll try.. I just feel a bit deflated.

Have you tried the toddler groups rather than baby classes/groups? The type of thing that's held weekly in a church hall
and costs about £2? That's where I made friends.

I found these far friendlier than a class. They usually have about an hour of free play and maybe some craft, but there is a baby area where the mums with babies tend to be. Plenty of time to sit and chat over a cup of tea and usually a volunteer or two to chat to if they see you're sat on your own.

I didn't do NCT and the NHS antenatal class was just a class with no real chance to interact with others so I didn't know anybody else having a baby at the same time.

Started at my first toddler group at four weeks and it was a lifesaver! DD mostly slept through it for the first few months in a sling but I really enjoyed meeting other parents there!

I have been going to a sensory group once a week for the last 2 months and honestly feel the same OP! I was really hoping I'd meet some mums, be able to chat during free play times and maybe even make a friend to meet outside the class occasionally but I was considering not signing up to the next term as its just not happened at all. I actually felt really deflated last week as I saw a few cliques had formed- and seemed to know each other well reserving spaces next to each other etc. I don't know if they already knew each other before hand or if I've just not managed to really speak to anyone this term but it was quite depressing.

I've decided to keep going for the sake of the baby experiences anyway and it does give us something to do, and thought maybe if this next term with hopefully a few new people in is the same to try a different group which I've heard is smaller hoping less people forces some interaction?!

I hope you manage to find some mum friends- completely get where your coming from.

Honestly baby sensory was the least friendly class I ever did. I don't think I had one proper interaction with any of the other women. Even the teacher wasn't very friendly. Maybe just bad luck! It didn't bother me but if I had been going to meet people it would have been a total waste! It's the only class where it did feel incredibly cliquey. I stopped after one term anyway and never did it with DD2. It was a huge class too which maybe didn't help as it was v impersonal.

Baby sign language has been great with both though. Great teacher, small group, mix of structure and free play.

Ahh, I've been there love. It's so hard. I also went to these groups to make friends. Honestly, I'd assume that anyone with a baby as young as yours will be going to groups primarily for their own benefit. For me, that was the hope that I'd click with friendly parents and we'd be able to share the experience of parenting. My existing friendship circle either didn't have kids at the time, or had kids much older, or lived miles away. It's not unusual to want to find local friends who are sharing the same experiences as you!

Unfortunately despite my best efforts I never found any lasting friendships from these groups. People to chat to, sure, but nothing deeper than that. Doubly unfortunately, I'd hoped this would happen once my kids started school but we've ended up with a pretty unfriendly school with no parental involvement (no pta, no playdates, no parties) and it's actually one of the major reasons we're moving areas now. People have a deep need for community and kinship, it's a huge driver for most people. So ignore the posts on here about not hoping for friendships, which no doubt is making you feel worse (it is for me anyway!). I hope you find your people soon 💕

Having a baby is a monumental experience and it's natural to seek out others who are sharing this same experience. It makes me feel quite sad that you feel this way. In the past it would have been sisters, cousins, neighbours. Everyone around you would have had babies, and such a community would have been effortless. Nowadays we have to make our own communities and some people aren't as lucky with it as others. Your judgement is pretty harsh.

I go to baby groups to get out of the house and I’ve found them to be a mixed bag. I’m relatively indifferent to making friends at the groups. I’m not actively looking for new friends, but would be open to making friends at the groups. Some of the groups I’ve been to have just had really off vibes and I’ve not enjoyed them, it’s the sensory/singing type of groups that I’ve really not liked which weirdly seems to be a theme looking at the replies on this thread.

I’ve so far met two ‘mum friends’ who I really like and think there is real friendship potential with lol. One was a friend of a friend who was introduced to me as she lives close by and our babies are similar ages, the other I met at a postnatal yoga class. Do you have any friends/family who might put you in touch with any mums they know? If they are already friends with your friends you are likely to have more in common. Maybe do activities that you liked pre baby too if there is a with baby version (there are infinite bring your baby things here in London) as you are again more likely to meet likeminded people (I did yoga pre baby).

I think you might be struggling to connect if you are looking to chat constantly about milestones, baby routines etc. I actively avoid parents who just want to talk about milestones because it makes me worry if their baby is doing something that mine is not (I know it’s silly and they all develop at their own rate, but the anxiety creeps in and I think lots of mums feel like this). I also find talking about sleeping and feeding routines in great detail a bit boring.

People choose to move away from their communities.

That's a pretty monumental misunderstanding of the modern world, but I think our lives and families are probably quite different.

It's not really a choice to move away from where you grew up if there are few jobs there and no prospect of being able to have a life there though?

Hi OP. I also have a 4 month old, and have done various different groups and activities. I've found that overall the things where Mums are likely to chat and get to know each other are the things that are for Mum, not for baby.

I meet up with my pre-natal Pilates group Ladies now and then, I go to post-natal Pilates (where you take the babies along) and we often go for coffee after; Same at Cinebabies at our local cinema, there's usually someone (sometimes me) who announces 'does anyone fancy a coffee?' as people are getting their things together at the end. I pitch it to myself that I'm going for coffee anyway, and I do, so if nobody takes me up on it then it doesn't matter. I'm not slinking off rejected, I'm just carrying on with my day. I've done a few local buggy walks too and met a couple of nice people on those.

Might be worth seeing if there's anything around you with more of a Mum focus than a baby focus and trying that

With that attitude I doubt people were lining up hoping to be your friend 😂

You are chatting with people for leas than a couple of minutes weekly for about 8 weeks, of course you haven’t made any meaningful bonds or had conversations of much substance! If you want to make friends with these women you need to initiate a coffee or walk around the class.
If you don’t want to do that then you can’t really complain about not making friends.

There may be lower paid jobs in less optimal fields, but that's your choice to pursue more money over a babysitter on date night.

I wouldn't want them to so I make sure I don't seem the type for that kind of thing.

Wow, you must have a very narrow frame of reference…. There are no jobs where I grew up that would pay for a house there. People who live there do so because they have made lots of money elsewhere, and now are retired or have the cachet to work from home (for themselves more often than not)

Rent then. Why did you need to own a house? In the past, you'd have been able to go through the council. It was your decision to move so you could be a homeowner instead of a renter with nearby family. Or living in a multigenerational home. That's your own values that have led you to make those choices. There will be plenty of people in your hometown who have stayed and made it work for them, albeit with less money. You wanted money and assets.

If I'd stayed where I grew up I'd have been on NMW with no or little prospect of career progression, no prospect of ever having my own house or financial security. Which isn't the situation I'd want to bring a baby into.

Plus I didn't meet my partner until I moved away, so wouldn't have had a baby if I'd stayed anyway.

I built my own support community of friends I made, but didn't meet them at baby classes!

No, you wouldn't have been middle classed, and a homeowner, and your job might have had lower societal status. You choose to see those things as negative. All of these are values you choose to prioritise. The downside is that you are likely to burn yourself out in the meantime and suffer social isolation. That's the consequence that you saw as preferable.

Why on earth do you think I'll burn out and suffer social isolation?!

I have a far better life than if I'd stayed where I grew up.

You're adding to a conversation about how women end up desperate for friends in baby classes. I assumed that you found your situation relevant to the discussion.