Normal to feel like this at baby groups?

[Showbel]

Hi I feel like I'm the odd one out and just want to know if my feelings are valid?
I have a 4 month old DD and have tried 2 different baby groups and I find them really difficult?

I basically go in with baby, they do some songs with puppets which are really good tbh and my DD does pay attention, and then there is 'free play' (me basically trying to get my baby to interact with toys) - but no matter how much I try and talk to other parents, it is just small talk and there isn't anything of substance? I've been going since she was 8 weeks old and just can't bond with anyone. I did bond with one girl at a group but she stopped going as her son had outgrown the group. There's no talk of motherhood or milestones or anything, stuff that I actually want to talk to people about? I want to enjoy the positive days but I also want to have a good moan with other mums too!!!??? There's different mums all the time as well. There's a few regulars but I don't know them well enough to invite them out for coffee, I'm not really bonding with them. I dread going to both groups each week because it just seems so much effort, and probably selfish of me but I'm not actually getting anything out of them. Some days I only say a couple of sentences because I'm making so much effort to talk to others and just not getting anything back?! It's really depressing and anxiety inducing. I don't know if it's because they think I'm a bad mum or if it's the way I look or something else? (I always seem to have baby sick on me. and I'm still in the 'comfy clothes' stage post c section!)

I've signed up to a 6 wk sensory course in a few weeks and I'm dreading that now as well that it's going to be the same thing, and I'm worried it's going to be all cliquey, with people just going with their friends and their babies.

Is this just the thing with baby groups? I was under the impression they'd be supportive and welcoming but my experiences have been the opposite?

I suggested she tried toddler groups (the £2 type ones in church halls) as I found them far friendlier than baby classes. That's where I met most of my mum friends.

I'm pretty sure ThatWarmJadeSeal is just trolling, because nobody could seriously be such an arse

Agreed! So needlessly rude.

OP, I totally get it, I was in your position with DC1. Lovely friends but first in our group to get married and have kids so no-one really to hang out with during mat leave. It's really natural to want to share it with someone in the same boat!

I went to lots of groups (paid for and the free ones in church halls) and some were definitely better than others. Even the worst ones were good for getting out of the house though 🙈

I'd say keep trying - there will definitely be others in your situation. And when spring rolls round and baby's up and moving, the park's great for striking up conversations too.

Babes I’m sooo happy with my choices 😄 it’s my parents choices of raising me in the middle of nowhere* that I’m not delighted about.

Anyway I agree with others, you must be a troll. No one gets that het up about other people’s choices 😄 unless of course you’re taking the fact that everyone who has moved away has made a different choice to you, as a personal criticism……

*Note: not a homeTOWN.

Your baby sensory group will probably better as other mums will hopefully be doing the same for the same reasons.

Few other ideas ;

App mush and peanut. It's like a dating service for mums - I met a lovely friend on mush - she messaged about 30 mums - who wants coffee. I went and we spent our mat leave together.

Some church groups are better than others. My local one ran a meet up for babies only.

The kind of baby groups that are in church halls are much better than the commercial 'baby classes'.
Usually just free play and a brew for the grownups. I've made some really good friends at these, some of which im still close with years after my baby was small.

If you google the churches in your area you will find that lots of these have a baby group and a toddler group.

Sure 😉

I've attended such classes with one child, merely because at the time, I didn't have any young babies around me for my baby to interact with. It wasn't for me to go and try and make "mummy friends". It was so my baby knew there were people as small as her in the world.

Yet you felt the need to lament about your isolated birthplace in a thread where I was saying people should stick near to a established support network. Okay :-)

Great, then maybe your input isn’t really helpful on a thread specifically about making friends at baby groups.

Do you think maybe we could wind up the derailing now and get back to offering advice to the OP? Just a thought.

It's an interesting derailment though because it shows the mindset behind some of those people in the baby classes. It sounds like it isn't OPs fault that she hasn't made friends in them, but rather that many people don't go to these classes to interact with the other adults there. It's just a place to take their kid outside the house.

Isn't that how a lot of early childhood friendships start? Our mothers knew each other first, then we became friends because we were sort of forced together? Different when at school, as then friendships are formed by who we get along with and choose. That's all I hope to get out of toddler groups anyway - get talking to other mums only for our toddlers to make friends, not for me to be friends with their mother particularly (but nice if that happens too!).

Imaging coming on to troll a friend with someone like the OP being vulnerable and opening up about being lonely in early motherhood.
Get a life.

Many years ago, when my son was about 2 I joined a toddler group. We'd just moved to the area and I knew no one. None of the mums were friendly except one who was lovely. We've been friends for over 40 years now and I've never forgotten that kindness and always tried to do the same for newbies.

Not entirely sure the OP is vulnerable. She’s the same as me! I went to a NCT group prior to birth and I worked out fairly quickly it was a mistake. Within a few months of the babies being born, I was quietly being dropped. Not invited to meet ups. So I started at a baby group with songs and actions. I barely spoke to another mum. Mums seemed to know each other. I live in a tiny village and the baby activities were in a small town. I went back to work part time.

With DD2 I didn’t join a baby group but tried a church hall group for DD1 and took DD2 along. Same result. Different large village but no interaction with me. I then moved groups for DD2 whilst DD1 was at nursery. No friends there either. The only friends I ever made was a mum no one spoke to at pre school nursery and a kind mum whose DD liked my DD. When DD1 was a baby there were no mum friends at all. I then didn’t go back to work.

I have considered why I could not make friends at this stage. Working mums definitely chimed with other similar mums. That was me with DD1 but I guess my job didn’t fit. I knew no one at the baby or toddler groups and I barely spoke to anyone at them. I came to the conclusion these groups are populated by cliques.

After going to the toddler church hall group for around a year, another mum complained loudly that my DD had snatched a toy. She had snatched it but the other child took it from her first. I had seen DD kicked, trodden on and pushed over on our visits but I didn’t get annoyed with the mums of those DC. So after this mum turned her back on me I just picked up DD and left. I never went back. These dc were 2. I was pregnant and has rushed there from work. It was a relief not to go. DD then started at a day nursery and that was so much easier - but then it was the repeat button with DD2.

Many groups appear populated by mums who knew each other and there’s no room for others . I did get a wider group of friends after being on the PTA at school. I think if you just “attend” and don’t make friends, you might have to wait for school. But I agree it’s very dispiriting.

Yes we don't. And mums like us find those classes off-putting BECAUSE there are a load of these mums who are only there to solve THEIR social isolation. They just want to sit there and talk about their labour and feeding issues.

So you're absolutely right that the OP isn't imagining that some of us put up firm barriers, but that's because we don't see their purpose as a place for US to find friends like some sort of speed dating event. We might click with someone we meet there, but that will be a natural process and won't be forced

Why is she vulnerable? I thought she was a married professional who planned a child.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal It’s not friendly to put up firm barriers though is it? At a baby group? It sounds deeply unpleasant. Why should a new mum want to stay socially isolated? It’s a normal human trait to try and find a friend or two in a similar situation, Ie with a baby and wanting a chat. You make it sound like this is wrong. It’s not, it’s a natural thing to want and why is a woman not wanting to be socially isolated bad? Didn’t we have enough of that in Covid lockdowns? You do sound rather uncaring..

Try a church baby group. They are more focused on chatting to friends than the ones with an organised activity. Can sometimes be a bit cliquey but normally fine.

@Geneticsbunny I went to two church group ones. Cliquey. It must be where I live! The one I left was a chapel one.

Why should people with full, busy lives feel like they have to take an adult who chose to live miles away from anyone they know under their wing? Sorry I have friends and family, including kids, that I have to support in that kind of way. I really don't have time or space for forcing in more.

Social isolation is a natural consequence of moving away from your network. Women are more likely to be isolated because we assume most caregiving roles and are less likely to parent and work simultaneously. Especially at higher class levels.

Women who move away from who they know to start a family have basically kicked themselves in the throat. And all for a bit more money and status that they're unlikely to keep without the marriage.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal You sound incredibly bitter towards people who have moved away from their place of birth (which is often for reasons you don't seem able to grasp, not simply 'wanting to buy a house / create a better life' although they are not bad reasons in itself). I think if you took a moment to look inwards you'd find some jealousy and regret there.

Anyway in our antenatal group WhatsApp group there is one Mum who's admitted to feeling lonely and isolated. She's lived in our area her whole life. Meanwhile I moved here and have had no problem finding a social circle. People's experiences are all different. Go figure.

No jealousy or regret as I have friends and aren't sniffing around the local baby group hoping someone will talk to me. I'd feel pathetic myself.

What you're seeing is my irritation at the mums who make these groups awkward and unpleasant by using them to solve their own social issues.

But you don’t have to. No one is asking you specifically to do that. I’m sure you’re probably giving off ‘don’t talk to me’ vibes, so it’s all good is it not?