Normal to feel like this at baby groups?

[Showbel]

Hi I feel like I'm the odd one out and just want to know if my feelings are valid?
I have a 4 month old DD and have tried 2 different baby groups and I find them really difficult?

I basically go in with baby, they do some songs with puppets which are really good tbh and my DD does pay attention, and then there is 'free play' (me basically trying to get my baby to interact with toys) - but no matter how much I try and talk to other parents, it is just small talk and there isn't anything of substance? I've been going since she was 8 weeks old and just can't bond with anyone. I did bond with one girl at a group but she stopped going as her son had outgrown the group. There's no talk of motherhood or milestones or anything, stuff that I actually want to talk to people about? I want to enjoy the positive days but I also want to have a good moan with other mums too!!!??? There's different mums all the time as well. There's a few regulars but I don't know them well enough to invite them out for coffee, I'm not really bonding with them. I dread going to both groups each week because it just seems so much effort, and probably selfish of me but I'm not actually getting anything out of them. Some days I only say a couple of sentences because I'm making so much effort to talk to others and just not getting anything back?! It's really depressing and anxiety inducing. I don't know if it's because they think I'm a bad mum or if it's the way I look or something else? (I always seem to have baby sick on me. and I'm still in the 'comfy clothes' stage post c section!)

I've signed up to a 6 wk sensory course in a few weeks and I'm dreading that now as well that it's going to be the same thing, and I'm worried it's going to be all cliquey, with people just going with their friends and their babies.

Is this just the thing with baby groups? I was under the impression they'd be supportive and welcoming but my experiences have been the opposite?

These are just people who, by chance, you happen to be in a room with because you all had a baby at approximately the same time. You aren't necessarily going to gel with them anymore than if you were both waiting for a bus or in the post office queue. If you do then great, but I wouldn't expect to find friends from the dozen other mums who also chose baby sensory on a Tuesday at 10am. Actively putting out there on something like a mums and baby group for your local area: "I'm looking for other adults to chat with, I have a 4 month old, I really want to have adult conversation, anyone else in the same boat want to meet in Costa on Friday at 9:30am" might get people more looking for the same thing as you.

It's definitely not you OP, I think at those classes everyone with a baby that age is just so focussed on their own baby making sure they're not screaming, nappy leaking, vomiting. swallowing something they shouldn't etc that they don't have the energy to engage in chit chat. I only went to those classes if my NCT friends were also going as I took a short mat leave and it was clear baby had no interest in the class at that age so it was really more for me to catch up with friends. I did engage in superficial chat with other mums if they initiated it but I wasn't interested in making more mum friends as I knew I was returning to work when mine was 5 months. I would keep the chat away from 'milestones' if you can though, it can make other mums feel pretty bad if their baby is behind (whatever it means at that age) and at least for me I found the constant baby chat boring, after the initial baby questions I'd rather move on to other topics to see if we have anything in common apart from babies the same age.

I think it’s the age of the babies. My daughter is 4 and a half months and I really enjoy the groups to get out of the house and enjoy something with her. Due to her age I’m always either entertaining her or making sure she’s not been sick and this doesn’t leave much time for chatting as much as I would like. I think when they get a little older and can be just abit more independent it will be easier. I wouldn’t let it put you off going though. I promise you no one is judging you or even noting what you’re wearing. Everyone is as tired as each other. Just go and enjoy it with your baby.

I find some of the baby classes I go to a lot like that too. I'm autistic so struggle to join in with the small talk. I'm ok when they talk about the babies though as I have things to contribute.

I also astonished myself and actually made a friend at one class to the point where she and her husband are coming round for dinner! I am normally garbage at friend making and I'm really proud of myself 😂

I just did small talk at baby classes and groups but that's all I wanted really. I always went on my own so didn't get into cliques, but during free play time I was focused on my baby and wasn't too interested in making friends. I was much happier doing structured classes with a constant flow of activities, for me the point was to spend time doing fun activities with my baby and to take some pressure off me to provide the entertainment.

Thr nicest groups I've been to have been quite demanding for commitment - eg baby swimming or serious music classes (leading to instrumental and musicianship classes at school age), where you have to sign up for a term at a time, and parents tend to stick with it for years as it's a structured journey and it's hard to get a place again if you stop going.

It's really eye opening to hear how many people went to baby groups just to get out the house and be with their baby, rather than trying to make friends.
Did you have mum friends already or were you not interested in making mum friends?
I like interacting with my baby at these groups but there's no structure apart from the songs at the beginning and end, so it's just free play, and it's for about 45 mins so if I don't make small talk it's just a bit awkward I feel, because other people start talking to each other.
At the beginning I felt it was more awkward because my baby was either asleep or wasn't really interacting with her environment.
I'll go to the groups with a different mindset and just see if I start enjoying them more.

I found the much smaller groups (baby sensory, baby massage, baby yoga) much better at that stage - especially if it was a course as the same people went every week. There was also a good one locally which was for newborn - 1 which was brilliant as the Mums were all roughly the same stage and weren't concentrating on rampaging toddlers.

The bigger church hall 0-5 baby groups were a bit of a lottery whether I'd end up talking to anyone, although if you go enough you will start to bond with familiar faces!

The groups I went to had very little free play. It was songs, instruments, different toys, a parachute. All group type things.

And to answer your question, no I wasn't interested in making "mum friends." For some people they love that kind of thing, but I didn't want friends where the only things we had in common was that we happened to have children and attend the same class.

Try different classes. Baby Sensory, Swimming and Jolly Melodies Music Company are all structured and it’s much easier.

Baby Sensory has a 10 min free play (I usually feed in this big tbh) before she sets up the last activity but that’s it.

I go to the structured ones. Try baby sensory. It’s a lovely class and there’s only a short break in the 50minute class for play. They rest is set activities. I’m not oppose to making friends but I mainly struggle being in all day when husband at work so I go for that mainly.

With my first it took about a year before I found a little group of friends. We became quite close and stayed friends for about ten years (no reason for friendship ending just people moving/work, new friendships etc)

With my second I made a few friends to chat too but I already had a close group of mum friends . One person became a close friend for about 15 years.

With my third (13 years later!) I made a group of friends over a few month . Now the kids are 10 and I'm still close to two of them.

I had to try quite a few groups - I remember one a bit like you describe and I quit that because it was play-focused and my baby was too young really. Is there a Rollers and Crawlers group specifically for babies up to 6 months old?

I found those best at that stage.

The free/cheap drop-in playgroups are like that (different people each week). Better to book a term of something, although there’s always still groups of friends/NCT who book on all together so you still walk in feeling like everybody knows everyone. A lot of that is just down to any group situation though - same with my choir for example, not baby/mum related.

Also half the people there will just want to be in and out and only there to stimulate their baby.

I’m still friends with 3 women I met at separate baby groups 9 years ago. Didn’t meet any at the groups with the other 2 kids (more recently). Then things just grow - they’ll introduce you to their friends and vice versa (although I didn’t have any to introduce as in a new area) and things will get better once the ball is rolling.

I did groups mainly to get out of the house. I found them really dull, conversation was always about sleep patterns and feeding, which I found tedious. I did make some connections at toddler mornings, where there’s toys and nice church ladies making coffee. When my second was born we moved from town to a large village and I found it much easier to make mum friends there. People would chat at the park and when my eldest started preschool I met people through that.

Throughout my kids' lives, I have encountered parents who have hung everything on the belief that they are going to meet "mummy friends" at baby groups or at the school gates. They approach you with a specific kind of desperation that I personally find off putting. I know that if I was to swap numbers, the pressure to meet and become best friends is going to be immense because they have no real friends and have planned to use their baby as a vessel to make some.

It's a lot of pressure on the other adults and the baby.

I found groups that were more for me I made friends. I went to a breastfeeding group and a pram fitness class. I made friends there but not really at the baby classes as we were mainly hanging out with our babies.

I don't really understand why your post needs to be so negative! If you find an eager first time mum wanting to socialise off-putting then that's upto you. Some people like myself don't have family nearby, are struggling with PND and just want to talk about my baby with someone. If that's desperation to you then so be it. There's no need to be so bloody rude

Where are the friends you had before you conceived? Did you have an active social life? If not, why not?

Holy shit 😂😂😂. I’ve swapped numbers, I have friends outside of my baby. It’s nice to know people with babies the same age.

No need to be so bloody rude!

Just ask people/the mums to do something - coffee etc.

I met a lady for 30 minutes the other day - we met as we do a similar job.
I asked her by message, after, if she wanted to come to a (free) music event local to me. She did and we had a lovely evening together!
You just have to put yourself out there.

Of course I have friends from 'before I conceived', whatever that means, because they still existed during my pregnancy😂
I meet them regularly and they coo over the baby, but it's not the same. I tell them things but because most of them are not parents they don't truly understand what it's like. Anyway that's not what my post is about.

At least some of them will be parents soon enough

I didn’t go to any baby groups - I already had friends and definitely wasn’t looking for baby mum friends. I went back to full time work when they were six months old and spent my maternity leave with existing friends and family.

Yep, I've struggled with this for the last 2 years! I still go, for the sake of my son, but I find the small talk difficult. I probably come across as aloof but I in fact really like to talk, but it takes me a while to feel comfortable, and I always worry that others don't want to talk to me. I wait for others to approach me because of this.

I never made friends at baby groups.

I realised that just because because another woman has a baby the same age doesn't mean that we have anything else in common.

I stuck with the friends I already had and made new ones through common. Interests.