Normal to feel like this at baby groups?

[Showbel]

Hi I feel like I'm the odd one out and just want to know if my feelings are valid?
I have a 4 month old DD and have tried 2 different baby groups and I find them really difficult?

I basically go in with baby, they do some songs with puppets which are really good tbh and my DD does pay attention, and then there is 'free play' (me basically trying to get my baby to interact with toys) - but no matter how much I try and talk to other parents, it is just small talk and there isn't anything of substance? I've been going since she was 8 weeks old and just can't bond with anyone. I did bond with one girl at a group but she stopped going as her son had outgrown the group. There's no talk of motherhood or milestones or anything, stuff that I actually want to talk to people about? I want to enjoy the positive days but I also want to have a good moan with other mums too!!!??? There's different mums all the time as well. There's a few regulars but I don't know them well enough to invite them out for coffee, I'm not really bonding with them. I dread going to both groups each week because it just seems so much effort, and probably selfish of me but I'm not actually getting anything out of them. Some days I only say a couple of sentences because I'm making so much effort to talk to others and just not getting anything back?! It's really depressing and anxiety inducing. I don't know if it's because they think I'm a bad mum or if it's the way I look or something else? (I always seem to have baby sick on me. and I'm still in the 'comfy clothes' stage post c section!)

I've signed up to a 6 wk sensory course in a few weeks and I'm dreading that now as well that it's going to be the same thing, and I'm worried it's going to be all cliquey, with people just going with their friends and their babies.

Is this just the thing with baby groups? I was under the impression they'd be supportive and welcoming but my experiences have been the opposite?

People asked me why I do it earlier in the thread. I'm replying to comments at this point.

Id agree that the small church hall ones are friendlier - go sharpish, help set up, bring some berries to add to snack time if you can afford it. It'll also be easier when your baby is a wee bit bigger as ATM you have to do sincerely everything with them whereas in a while they can play whilst you grab a sneaky coffee.

In terms of where I've met my "parent friends":

Existing friend has small children x 4 (but 3 live far away so don't actually hang out often)
Antenatal group x 2 people
Bumped into someone I used to work with in maternity assessment x 1
I did meet 1 lady in antenatal yoga but we have lost touch
A Mumsnet group chat which is primarily online but are super supportive

My friend had good luck with the app Peanut to meet mum pals, but she's in London.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal, you sound a bit mad on the issue of people who move away from their birthplaces. It must be terribly restrictive, confining yourself to one geographical area out of fear of your own incapacity to integrate somewhere else.

OP, kindly, I think your focus on ‘bonding’ and desperation to make friends may be putting people off. If your baby is four months old and you’ve been attending baby groups since she was eight weeks, you’ve only attended each group eight times, which seems too early to write them off. But if they’re not adding anything to your life, stop. Approach baby activities in the same way that lonely people on here are advised to choose hobby activities — only do things you would still find enjoyable even if you knew in advance you would never make friends at it.

Honestly, when DS was four months I was exhausted. I don’t think I had the bandwidth for someone else’s needs or ‘moaning’.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal God yes. So deeply unpleasant to be asked if you fancy getting a coffee after Baby Sensory. How very dare they 🙄

Personally I can't imagine living a whole life so closed off to people you didn't grow up with (and the different life experiences, opinions and outlooks they bring). What a tiny little world you're creating for your DC. To me that's what is pathetic here.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal Women who move away from who they know to start a family have basically kicked themselves in the throat. And all for a bit more money and status that they're unlikely to keep without the marriage.

Unhinged.

It's not about recognising the consequences of your choices. Yes I could have moved away to be richer, but then I'd have no family support. The chances of ending up on a large but sole salary would be higher. I'd be more likely to end up poorer with a better job (as would my partner) in the long term.

I stayed and there are downsides to that but I accept them as the better choice for me, and I don't expect others to compensate me for that choice.

I can leave my area. I just wouldn't move away from a support network. We go on holiday. My partner's family are from a whole other country. My hometown is luckily also in a place where everyone else in the world comes to share their outlooks and culture. You just probably can't afford a huge house or will be a permanent renter if you live around here.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal Does your partner know your views on people who dare to move away from their home town?

LOL yes and he agrees! He grew up very much in a multi generational extended local family unit so it was something he wanted for himself. His brother did move away, but to the hometown of his partner where her family lives. Jobs aren't great paid but you can get a bigger house than down here. Still, even he wouldn't have moved away from all family.

Your mindset is very odd and entrenched, as if all geographical moves are a choice between family support network and money. People move around all the time, for reasons completely unrelated to money.

I left my home country to study in the UK. Just as I was finishing my doctorate, someone offered me and a friend tutoring jobs on a film set in Central America, so I did that for about 18 months to explore a new part of the world. Money not great. I have also lived in the US, London and two other parts of England, Paris, Ireland and the ME. I spent a year as a caretaker on an otherwise uninhabited island. We’re fond of and close to our families, and see them often, and have made friends in everywhere we’ve lived — the friends we went on holidays with this summer were people we last lived in the same place as in 2000. A friend I’d last seen in 1994 just moved close to us after long periods in New Zealand and Dublin.

Obviously, you do you, but it’s deeply weird to think people who move away from their birthplaces are reaping the negative social consequences of their focus on money, therefore it’s not other people’s job to ‘compensate’.

I found mother and baby groups very cliquey. I tried three different ones and went to each one several times. But no matter how much I tried to smile and join in with conversation, it was obvious that many people had known each other for ages and I felt very much an outsider. Unlike the OP, being at home with a baby full time, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about babies and motherhood, but the women at the groups I went to talked about nothing else. My daughter got nothing from going to groups like this, and I certainly didn't, and I got much more selective in what I took her to. It taught me that it's really not necessary to fill your baby/toddler's day with attending different organised groups and activities.

Money and status. How does your story opposed my views?

Surely spreading out and exploring new territory in some way can be helpful and in accord with natural tendencies for the human species. Everyone would still be in Africa otherwise squabbling over resources.

They generally traveled in groups to keep a support network. Dave and Molly didn't just venture out alone.

So it's okay to move as long as you bring your whole extended family?

No I'm making the point that humans didn't make it out if Africa two by two like that post suggested.

What kind of migration or move would be acceptable nowadays? The whole extended family would be fine but not a nuclear family?

You've changed this into what I'm allowing instead of what would be wisest for individuals considering leaving their support network.

You may end up with no real friends and limited time to be anything other than a parent. That's the reality you have to consider and accept if you choose to move away. Nobody is obligated to soften that reality for you at baby groups or anywhere else.

This is genuinely one of the most cruel things I've read on here and that's saying something.
If you don't want to chat, that's absolutely fine! But seriously, there's no need to be so nasty about new mums seeking a little interaction.

@Elloelephant Yes. I agree with you. It’s normal to want to have a chat with new mums if you are one too. Some of us do live in quite isolated areas so it makes sense to try and find some activity for you and baby. I could not make lasting friendships at these even though I was working part time with DD1 and then SAHM after DD2. I gave up trying! I did find mums were cliquey.

I also did not have an extended family for interaction. They don’t exist near me - I stayed and they moved away! DH has no one. I don’t believe I was needy or pathetic though. My DDs now live and work in London. Both could not do what they do from here. People really have to go where the jobs are. Yes, one DD earns a lot and she has her own flat. I don’t think she would give up working if a dc arrives. I am hoping neither meets a mum like Jade Seal. I also hope they don’t become like her either.

With my first I did a baby massage type class where the focus was on the mums with massage for the babies added in, maybe look for something like that? I made a steedy group of friends through that. I also made several friends through hartbeeps just by chatting and just asking if they wanted to go for a coffee.

Now I find at more free range toddler groups it's hard to develop any kind of friendships, but I have stopped trying really! Maybe also try the peanut app?

@thatwarmjadeseal Where have you got it from that I have moved away from my support network? I live in my hometown. My parents moved away a couple of years ago because they had caring responsibilities. My partner's family are quite literally scattered across the whole of England. Not everyone's circumstances are the same.
It's sad that people are saying I'm desperate for wanting to make friends at a baby group. Is this just the way of the world now? Throughout my pregnancy the midwife stressed how important it is to connect with other mums. I just dont get why people are so antisocial. Tiredness etc but I am too? we are going through the same thing

I don't get living in your hometown and having no friends.

Please ignore the poster above OP. Clearly a troll with too much time on their hands.

Most forums have a rule against casting people as trolls for having a different opinion to you.