Daughter crying for dad...i'm at a loss

[newmummylucy]

Good evening

Im really at a loss here so would really appreciate some guidance please. My husband works long hours and 9/10 doesn't get home before our 4y old goes to bed Monday-Friday... Weekends he spends a lot of time with her (including a lot of 1-1 time and also family time)

but the problem is, for about a year now my DC has been crying after him daily. in the morning she cries because she doesnt want him to go to work, in the evening at dinner time she starts crying because she misses him. She cries hysterically for hours and hours and does things like blows him kisses while shes eating dinner and shouts things like ''I love you dad''

She's always pining after him and saying she's missing daddy and its really starting to wear me down. I just want to make it clear - we are together and all live under one roof! I feel at the moment like all im doing is consoling my DC for missing her dad and initially a year ago i thought it would just be a phase... but a year on and im just at a loss now and i feel like its taking away our time together too where she's a happy 4 year old because she's just ALWAYS crying for him.

We do lots of fun things together and Ive been a SAHM for the past 5 years so ive really had a lot of special time with her. I console her when she cries, we draw pictures for daddy, bake him things, talk about what she loves about him, we read books that are personalised for her and daddy...I know it must be hard for her with him working so much, but as her mum im just starting to feel abit upset by it and im wondering when it will end.

My husband gives her fake promises like he'll be home to put her to bed etc and then when he doesn't im the one that has to pick up the pieces of a distraught child asking where daddy is.

Please give me some guidence because im really at a loss. Im trying to support her as much as possible, but my days are filled with so much more crying from my DC than happy times and its been that way for the past year.

Thankyou

He needs to stop lying to her.

Sounds to me like she's suffering from the overwhelming feeling of confusion and basically uncertainty in her life caused by him regularly lying to her about being home. She doesn't know if she is coming or going. Stop that nonsense and she'll feel safe in her life once more and it will revert to more typical expressions of missing the parent who they only see at weekends.

I think he needs to come home earlier, af least some nights, and stick to his words. I remember my DS being distraught when DH went away one weekend, and asking who would get the tree at Christmas. It was February. They cant really understand time!

He needs to not lie to her and come home earlier when he can.
What time does he get home?

He needs to stop giving her false promises and provide her with consistency and security. Right now, when daddy leaves, she can't trust that he'll be back when he says he'll be back, or that he'll be there when it's important to her - he's being too unreliable and creating an insecure attachment. DH and I both work and can be working long hours, sometimes unpredictable timings. Neither of us make promises to our DC that we can't keep.

It sounds like a lot of the day is being made about daddy, if you're drawing pictures, baking, etc for this absent, unpredictable figure. What would happen if you simply acknowledged that your DD is sad and then got on with the day without the focus on doing things for daddy? Could you say that daddy's at work and the two of you are going to do something fun together?

The fake promises are the main issue. He needs to stop that.

I have to say, he doesn't always say he'll be home to put her to bed - only occasionally he'll say it.. but before he goes to work she'll always ask him if he'll be home early and he always gives her really vague answers like "ill try" and that gets her hopes up and he very rarely actually appears before 8-9pm

we had this also but it has improved with age...it was not crying for hours but still

if he is really nice and sweet and fun man who loves her and loves kids, as mine is and kids adore him, I can see why

don't worry

anything from 8-10pm

What does he do for a job that he needs to be out so long? Unless he's a emergency surgeon or something with vulnerable people he needs to be home earlier. Even if he is a surgeon he needs to make best efforts to be home early at least a few times a week. Essentially he is lying to her

Does he start work mid day? Or work shifts?

He definitely needs to work at coming home earlier and he needs to spend time with her in the morning and explain he won't be home before bedtime but in the morning they can read a favourite story/watch an episode/paint a picture etc so she has something to look forward to when she heads to bed

We do alot of this too, but now she's started school I feel like I spend the entire morning consoling her because he's gone to work then I would say we have about 45 minutes of time together where she doesn't mention him after school before the hysterical crying starts again. I say things like daddy has to work, lots of mummies and daddies work etc.. infact ive just started a new job so I work 2 days a week now and when I go to work she understands im at work and shes okay

Why is he so late home every evening? What does he do? Is it a long commute or does he just not care about coming home at a reasonable time?

He works for himself - he has his own business and hes the main provider for our household (I do also work but only a small job 2 days a week)

DH needs to stop breaking promises and you need to stop consoling as it reaffirms that DH not being around is a sad thing to worry about rather than business as usual.

He needs to drop his hours and you up yours. Of course you need the money but he is barely seeing her!

No, I would say he leaves for work depending on what time his first meeting starts but its usually around 9 ish. He does make an effort now to take her to school when he can which she really likes.. but ill definitely suggest this about the morning's. Some mornings he'll 'get up' with her.. but all he does is put the tv on for her and sleeps on the sofa while she watches tv and I cant bare the thought of her just watching tv while hes asleep on the sofa not interacting with her. Even at weekends when he baths her he's on his phone

Are his reasons for not being home valid?
Could he be more available?
If not the he needs to stop getting her hopes up and set clear expectations.
It’s better that she doesn’t expect him and he comes home as a surprise.

He's worked these hours for as long as i've known him so please don't suggest I need to up my hours so he can drop his. I work a little job so he can fulfil his business. He can be flexible around his hours as he pleases but only when it suits him - I.E dinner with friends etc

I had a dad who even elected to go to work on Christmas Day (office job, no need for that). We stopped asking for him. As adults we are politely distant. We had lots of nice things but he's a stranger. That's what your husband has to look forward to.

I think you need a clear plan on what happens on what days so she’s not confused and clear on that days expectations.

When you go out for a fun activity at the weekend mention we have extra money to do this because daddy works hard. Are we so lucky that daddy does his job that it allows us to
go xx here.

For Christmas could you get her a pillow with his face on? So daddy will always be with her?

Also have a conversation about if she’s got any fears, just incase she’s thinking bad men might come or realisation around death if there’s been one in the family

So does he spend a lot of quality time with her at the weekend or is he often on his phone/asleep on the couch? If the latter, along with the false promises, I can see why she's feeling insecure and pining for him.

What does he say to resolve the issue, or is he leaving it up to you to deal with?

If he's self employed could he rearrange his hours to be home for dinner on certain nights (even if he has to pick up work in the evening?).

If she's been upset for a year she's clearly struggling eith the inconsistency and he needs to be on board to find a way to sort it out.

You have to tell him to be flexible for his daughter.
He can hire someone, work from home, work through lunch, start really early and come home early.
Things need to change and if he works for himself it's on him to do it.

-Get DH to FaceTime her for 5 mins at an agreed time when he works late? He can deal with when are you coming home questions
during the call.
-Get her to choose (or you choose) max one activity that is for dad (a picture/baking ) then move on to something that is not for dad and remind her that she has made something that is ready for dad when he gets home, Daddy will look at it while she is sleeping.
-Tell her that he will be never be home during week before bedtime. Make sure DH says the same
-distract her before the crying begins (bath together, dancing together, trip to the supermarket/corner shop to choose something for dinner), have play dates
-ask DH to talk to her (“please don’t be sad or worry when I work in the evenings. I am at work which can be a bit boring for daddy but then I think about you and mummy have fun at home and I look forward to playing with you at the weekend and that makes me feel happy”)

It will pass eventually. Sorry that you have to manage her distress alone.

If he really wants to, he'll find a way to be there for her. If he can make time to have dinners with friends, then he could use that same flexibility to be consistent in doing some regular bits of her morning and evening routines.