Daughter crying for dad...i'm at a loss

[newmummylucy]

Good evening

Im really at a loss here so would really appreciate some guidance please. My husband works long hours and 9/10 doesn't get home before our 4y old goes to bed Monday-Friday... Weekends he spends a lot of time with her (including a lot of 1-1 time and also family time)

but the problem is, for about a year now my DC has been crying after him daily. in the morning she cries because she doesnt want him to go to work, in the evening at dinner time she starts crying because she misses him. She cries hysterically for hours and hours and does things like blows him kisses while shes eating dinner and shouts things like ''I love you dad''

She's always pining after him and saying she's missing daddy and its really starting to wear me down. I just want to make it clear - we are together and all live under one roof! I feel at the moment like all im doing is consoling my DC for missing her dad and initially a year ago i thought it would just be a phase... but a year on and im just at a loss now and i feel like its taking away our time together too where she's a happy 4 year old because she's just ALWAYS crying for him.

We do lots of fun things together and Ive been a SAHM for the past 5 years so ive really had a lot of special time with her. I console her when she cries, we draw pictures for daddy, bake him things, talk about what she loves about him, we read books that are personalised for her and daddy...I know it must be hard for her with him working so much, but as her mum im just starting to feel abit upset by it and im wondering when it will end.

My husband gives her fake promises like he'll be home to put her to bed etc and then when he doesn't im the one that has to pick up the pieces of a distraught child asking where daddy is.

Please give me some guidence because im really at a loss. Im trying to support her as much as possible, but my days are filled with so much more crying from my DC than happy times and its been that way for the past year.

Thankyou

In the short term, having a weekly planner might help your DD. For a four year old I would probably have Mon-Fri as ‘Mummy day’ or with a picture of you/you and her, and then weekends as ‘family days’ maybe with a picture of all of you together. If you DH commits to say a Friday bedtime that could be ‘Daddy bedtime’ but I’d make sure it’s a certainty before putting it on the planner. You can add school or any regular activities. IME young children often struggle to understand time and the concept of weekends and this can help.

Longer term, I’m so sorry your partner is like this. I hope he sorts it out.

Now I'd normally be the first to support the fact that sometimes children just have to cope with working parents hours etc and life not being perfect..... but this guy is an arse. He doesn't sound particularly bothered! The more you post, the less decent he sounds and it does rather raise the question of why are you with him!?

I was in your exact situation 15 years ago with two kids your dd's age and a h who worked long hours and barely ever saw them during the week and basically slept or watched TV throughout the weekends. He also used to lie and say he will come to things, like school plays, parents meetings, and then never show up or have an explanation other than work. I think around the age of 7/8 they both kind of stopped expect anything from him and started to match him when it came to wanting to spend time together. I became their only parent and they both stopped missing him and didn't want to include him in things. I was always the go to person for everything. I also stopped trying to force him to do things with them/us, I stopped asking if he'd be home for dinner (he never was) and I started living my life as if he wasn't there.

The kids are now late teens/early 20s and me and their dad divorced a few years ago. Neither of them are in touch with their dad. They don't miss him, they don't need him and they are both pretty angry with him for how he treated them. This will no doubt happen to your DD too, there is only so much rejection you can take before you stop caring.

Ignoring the fact that your husband sounds like a bad Dad and shit husband...I would do a visual timetable for her which shows his work patterns and that she won't see him before bedtime in the week.

The professional help of a divorce lawyer

Wtf, no don't do this!

She is entitled to feel sad, insecure and confused about her dad's emotional/physical absence and lies. You don't tell a little girl that she is silly for missing her parent who consistently lets her down, it's a perfectly normal feeling to have as a 4 year old. A 4 year old can't understand the concept of choosing to work all hours instead of spending time with her (neither can I and I'm 46) and it shouldn't be an unexpected bonus to see your dad before you go to sleep it should be a given that a parent makes sacrifices to be there for their child.

It shouldn't be normal to feel insecure about a parent but this particular parent has caused this little girl to feel exactly that and that is his fault, not the daughter's. If anyone needs professional help it's the dad, not the daughter.

Hello! Your comment about him thinking your daughter's behaviour towards him means he's "better" than you couldn't be further from the truth. It sounds like your daughter has attachment issues with your husband, in particular the Anxious Attachment.
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/
This link explains it a little more, and also talks about the other 3 attachment styles. It's an interesting read and probably something you need to share with your husband. The important thing is, attachments like that can get better!

(Apologies if someone else has already talked about this - I havent read the whole thread.)

If he spends hours writing proposals, he could easily shift that around to do some on the weekend to free time during the week (or is he actually doing something else other than work in the evenings).

When he takes her to the park for one-to-one time, is he on his phone or spending dedicated time with her?

Spending an hour in the shower in the morning?! He could do that in 5 mins and give your daughter the extra time.

None of this sounds good for either you or your DD. He does sound like a selfish arse as PPs have pointed out.

I'm not sure that focussing your DD's attention on him so much is helping the situation.

Your husband sounds far from wonderful, but is it possible that your daughter is playing you? What’s she like with school, friends and activities?

most mums are familiar with feeling bad when a child cries or says don’t go mummy, to be reassured that they were fine soon after you were out the door!

No one needs to work that late on a daily basis. What does he do. Sounds like he’s never there.