Daughter crying for dad...i'm at a loss

[newmummylucy]

Good evening

Im really at a loss here so would really appreciate some guidance please. My husband works long hours and 9/10 doesn't get home before our 4y old goes to bed Monday-Friday... Weekends he spends a lot of time with her (including a lot of 1-1 time and also family time)

but the problem is, for about a year now my DC has been crying after him daily. in the morning she cries because she doesnt want him to go to work, in the evening at dinner time she starts crying because she misses him. She cries hysterically for hours and hours and does things like blows him kisses while shes eating dinner and shouts things like ''I love you dad''

She's always pining after him and saying she's missing daddy and its really starting to wear me down. I just want to make it clear - we are together and all live under one roof! I feel at the moment like all im doing is consoling my DC for missing her dad and initially a year ago i thought it would just be a phase... but a year on and im just at a loss now and i feel like its taking away our time together too where she's a happy 4 year old because she's just ALWAYS crying for him.

We do lots of fun things together and Ive been a SAHM for the past 5 years so ive really had a lot of special time with her. I console her when she cries, we draw pictures for daddy, bake him things, talk about what she loves about him, we read books that are personalised for her and daddy...I know it must be hard for her with him working so much, but as her mum im just starting to feel abit upset by it and im wondering when it will end.

My husband gives her fake promises like he'll be home to put her to bed etc and then when he doesn't im the one that has to pick up the pieces of a distraught child asking where daddy is.

Please give me some guidence because im really at a loss. Im trying to support her as much as possible, but my days are filled with so much more crying from my DC than happy times and its been that way for the past year.

Thankyou

Presumably you had to radically change your lifestyle when you became parents, so why didn't he make changes too? He sounds like a classic Disney Dad.

His business can't be that successful if he has to be there for 11 - 13 hours each day or he simply doesn't want to be at home. He's really not much of a catch is he from how you've described him. How many of these late nights is he actively working or is he really discussing "business" and "deals" at the pub or over a meal whilst letting you and his daughter down yet again?

We agreed I would be a SAHM and I was happy with that, now DC has started school we agreed I would work (I wanted to go back but only part time) and i've found a job which fits in really well.

He doesn't have a 'business' as such like a shop selling things etc... He's a consultant so he spends long hours writing up proposals for new clients etc sometimes he's got multiple clients at a time ... he does earn very well (as he should considering how much he works)

Tbh it doesn’t sound like a great situation for your daughter. No matter how you dress it up she barely sees her day 5/7 of the time which is sad. Especially if he flexed for meeting mates but doesn’t prioritise her.

I think parts of this are quite important. If he’s falling asleep/going on his phone rather than focusing on her, maybe she’s not as secure in the relationship as you think. Along with hardly seeing him. This could be causing it at least contributing to the issues you’re having.

Sge’s totally secure in your relationship with her, she absolutely knows your relationship is solid. She’s possibly insecure.

When my ex left, my DD hardly saw him & I did absolutely everything but she’d spend hours crying, drawing pictures to him(piles of them!), endlessly talking about how wonderful he is (I even posted here, I was at a total loss), it was so intense. It was that she was so much more insecure about that relationship than she was about our solid (but taken for granted!) one.

This is why i've been trying to do lots of things for daddy with her at home, because I feel so sad for her. Its so hard watching how upset she gets

It sounds like he is totally fucking her up, by not making any time for her at all. (Nor you - what kind of relationship could you possibly have when he’s 90% absent?)

I’d give him 6 months to make changes, then start looking for a better partner and better father figure for my child. He can have his business, and die lonely.

So he is control of his time? Why can't he come home early at least 3 nights a week to see her and then, if necessary, do some more work after she has gone to bed?

Yeah, this is exactly how it is for us. Its so intense. me and my DC do have a very solid relationship. I promise her every friday night we will have our time together and have a sleepover in mummy's bed etc and I have never broken my promise to her. I plan nights out with friends around it. On a friday night im busy and thats always been the way. I really really try to give her a secure safe space with me

He doesn't have a 'business' as such like a shop selling things etc... He's a consultant so he spends long hours writing up proposals for new clients etc sometimes he's got multiple clients at a time ... he does earn very well (as he should considering how much he works)

He has literally the same job as my husband. Self-employed consultancy business. Earns £100K. Works away from home fairly regularly. Sees his son all the time. Would move mountains to spend time with him.

There are no excuses. He simply doesn't care enough.

Op as time goes by it's going to get harder to leave not easier. This man is a bell end who is making your lives miserable. He's already damaging her emotionally, get your 🦆🦆🦆🦆 and get her tf away from him. Moving schools at 3 is an absolute doddle compared to 6 or 10 or 13.... Good luck.

Yeah, this is exactly right. He controls his own time and will move things for his social life but not his daughter. I dont know how to tackle the situation as if I try to stand up for my daughter and say to him things need to be different I get shot down

And that is why you’re getting the brunt, you’re her safe person who she trusts. She’s not secure in the relationship with her daddy, she’s not getting what she needs & this is her communicating that.

I can assure you that if he's that successful he doesn't need to be working outside of the home until 9 or 10pm at night. He can come home, do bathtime and bedtime, then write proposals etc after your DD goes to bed. It's what most of us do to juggle parenthood with successful careers. He just doesn't want to. He's your problem, not your little girl.

It sounds like she doesn’t get his attention even when he’s around the house.

I agree about stopping the focus on doing stuff ‘for daddy’ and going on about him when he’s not there. You’re unintentionally reinforcing all the crying and sadness and making everything about him.

She knows she’ll see him in the morning. As you can’t rely on him to be home at a regular time I’d just say that she’ll see him in the morning when she mentions him after school. Then move on to something else.

I didn't say my DC was my problem - I would never refer to her as my problem..but yes - he could wfh and be flexible but he wont

This is what I came on to say.

Perhaps just don't keep mentioning him?

I work long hours. But almost every night, I leave work in time to be home by 7pm so I can read bedtime stories and have a chat with my DC before lights out, which used to be 8pm but now they are late primary is more like 8:30/9pm. I then sit down at my computer at 9ish and work until 10:30ish, or later if I'm really swamped. Is it fun? No. Would I prefer to just plough on at the office, be completely finished at 8pm and then come home with the rest of the evening free to relax? Yes. But when you have young children who are in those precious few years where they want to spend time with you and it has to be earlier, then you suck it up. Basically I have traded watching TV or reading a book in the evening for bedtime with my kids.

Like PP have said, though, I think you are pandering a bit too much to her upset. I'd be more breezy, "yes Daddy is at work you'll see him in the morning and there is lots of fun planned for the weekend". Also you could try the short FaceTime call at some point in the evening if he really can't get home. But above all, as all PP have said, he MUST stop giving her false hope that he'll be home when he won't be. That's is probably what is making her so tense and anxious about it.

@newmummylucy

Yeah, this is exactly right. He controls his own time and will move things for his social life but not his daughter. I dont know how to tackle the situation as if I try to stand up for my daughter and say to him things need to be different I get shot down

I don't know how to get this through to you OP: You can't tackle the situation. You need to leave him.

Good luck with it all.

Okay thankyou - Im definitely going to try this moving forward. I suppose I just wanted to also try and i guess keep their bond going while he wasn't reliable as my dad's just died and I had a really wonderful relationship with him

She trusts you.
She will probably feel quite coolly towards him when she grows up, unless he starts prioritising her now.

Thankyou for your comment. I dont think my husband really see's it like that. when she says to him things like "I love you daddy" he responds with "thats nice" ...I dont think he is fully emotionally switched on

So sorry for your loss. So she's lost a Grandparent too? She's probably going through an awful lot here and it's about so much more than his working hours.

I'm sorry about your Dad, but your relationship with him should give you a benchmark for what a good dad looks like. Your DH isn't living up to the standards your DD deserves, but you seem to be willing to settle for second best and making excuse after excuse for his poor behaviour.

I mean I say recently, It was when she was 1 but I do obviously grieve for my dad. She wasn't old enough to remember him really

I never really thought about that until I posted here tonight...