Daughter crying for dad...i'm at a loss

[newmummylucy]

Good evening

Im really at a loss here so would really appreciate some guidance please. My husband works long hours and 9/10 doesn't get home before our 4y old goes to bed Monday-Friday... Weekends he spends a lot of time with her (including a lot of 1-1 time and also family time)

but the problem is, for about a year now my DC has been crying after him daily. in the morning she cries because she doesnt want him to go to work, in the evening at dinner time she starts crying because she misses him. She cries hysterically for hours and hours and does things like blows him kisses while shes eating dinner and shouts things like ''I love you dad''

She's always pining after him and saying she's missing daddy and its really starting to wear me down. I just want to make it clear - we are together and all live under one roof! I feel at the moment like all im doing is consoling my DC for missing her dad and initially a year ago i thought it would just be a phase... but a year on and im just at a loss now and i feel like its taking away our time together too where she's a happy 4 year old because she's just ALWAYS crying for him.

We do lots of fun things together and Ive been a SAHM for the past 5 years so ive really had a lot of special time with her. I console her when she cries, we draw pictures for daddy, bake him things, talk about what she loves about him, we read books that are personalised for her and daddy...I know it must be hard for her with him working so much, but as her mum im just starting to feel abit upset by it and im wondering when it will end.

My husband gives her fake promises like he'll be home to put her to bed etc and then when he doesn't im the one that has to pick up the pieces of a distraught child asking where daddy is.

Please give me some guidence because im really at a loss. Im trying to support her as much as possible, but my days are filled with so much more crying from my DC than happy times and its been that way for the past year.

Thankyou

Exactly this.

It's awful to do to a young child.

Did she start school last month? If so she needs stability at home. Getting distraught and saying how much misses daddy may be her way of expressing how overwhelming it is to start school.

Children pick up so much. I’d bet part of the reason she gets so upset about her father is because he doesn’t make an effort with her and it makes her feel insecure. Also, it leads to lots of love and reassurance from you.

Why are people,saying cut his hours?He is keeping a roof over the family's head.

🙄

Thankyou for your comment. I dont think my husband really see's it like that. when she says to him things like "I love you daddy" he responds with "thats nice" ...I dont think he is fully emotionally switched on

That's absolutely heartbreaking. No wonder she feels insecure about his love and presence in her life. Maybe some family counselling would help?

She doesn't feel good enough. Daddy prefers work to seeing her, and when he's with her, his phone is more interesting. He needs to put the phone away and only make promises to her which he can definitely keep.

You’re always there for her and she knows you love her. That means that when she’s upset, you’re the one who gets the reaction to that because you’re her safe place.

Well this has changed my perspective! I assumed perhaps he worked a 2-10 shift as an employee for example and other than leaving had no choice.....

So he actively CHOOSES to go to work early, get home really late, break promises to his daughter about not doing so, knows she is getting really upset missing him and yet is still putting work first and leaving you to manage all the evenings, mornings and daughter's upset alone....sounds like is putting the hardest bits on you here....why can't he just pick up work more at weekends and be more present in the evenings??

Doesn't sound like great dad behaviour really....

She did, but this has been happening for over a year

Yes, sorry I should've made this clear. He does chose to work long hours as he has a heavy workload. He absolutely could work around fitting her in but he choses not to

The problem isn't your child, it's your husband.

From everything I've read here he has little regard for her feelings.

As someone said earlier, lying and broken promises breed insecurity and distrust in the people she should be able to trust most.

You overcompensating for him only adds fuel to that.

Your husband chooses to prioritise his business over your child, that's fine, but he needs to be honest about it instead of setting her and you up for distress.

Also, I know you've shot this down but truly it may be worth him working less and you working more.

To be blunt, he sounds inconsistent, and inconsiderate at worst, and at best quite ignorant to the emotional needs of a child.

He could choose to do some of those long hours at home after doing bedtime with her though surely? I mean how many of us full time working parents will catch up on a bit of work when the kids are in bed? Is there any reason he couldn't shift the time he does paperwork to not have his kid bereft at his absence?

If it's his business surely he could be around more, put DD to bed then work again in the evening. It might be what he has always done but you have to be prepared to change it with kids.

@MsTeatime There is no reason, he just doesn't want to be a decent dad. He's happy to do all the nice stuff at the weekends though.

OP is there full transparency about his income and assets between the 2 of you?

He has to be absolutely truthful, NEVER make promises or even implied promises.

It’s strange that she misses him so much
You’d think he’d make more of an effort to see her.

It must be a bit Bleurgh for you having this dad worship!

Maybe a psychologist will say why she’s so attached.

Maybe as he sees her so little compared to you?

Sorry OP.

People aren't actually saying cut for him to cut his hours but he's a consultant so will most likely be working off a laptop. He's not at his workshop slaving away welding something. He can most likely work from anywhere and coming home at a reasonable hour to put his daughter to bed a couple of nights a week is not going to kill him. If work is so important he can do a few hours at home once she's in bed.

Poor kid.
She maybe senses he’s not fully on board with loving her and being “present “

He needs to see her much more.

Bet he loves the power at the moment of her tearful devotion.

yes , this is right. He works from a laptop and im realising after this thread i've posted tonight that he absolutely does have the choice to work from home in the evenings and hes chosing not to and to ignore her feelings. I've said all of this to him this evening and I've also said to him hes got 6 months to sort it out otherwise I will leave

yup!! its the kind of shit he thrives off. being better than me! 🙃

Thankyou all for your help and advice. I have work in the morning so im going to sleep, but this threads been a real eye opener and I certainly will stop focusing so much on him being the hero. Ill try the facetime thing and he's said he will come home once a week for bedtime so lets see how we get on

Yes exactly. She is like this because her dad would rather be at the office than make time for his daughter, and you are letting him do fuck all. There is no way I'd have had kids with someone who was never going to be there at bedtime because they are choosing not to be and could be there. His life has not changed at all and you are running around trying to keep everyone happy.

So you just do the six bedtimes? Yeah sounds great 🙄 Start from him doing three bedtimes a week minimum.

How awful!
You will probably be better off without him winding your poor little girl up.

It’ s probably a game to him “ see how much she loves me, compared to you!”
But this kind of desperation from a little child speaks of insecurity.

She knows you love her.

Once, a couple of years after our Divorce, I went abroad with son-

He was overwhelmed by the change and one awful day just sobbed and said “ Daddy “ over and over

He’s an adult now, but says he still feels anger at his dad’s emotional aloofness.

So unfair on children.

This must be terribly upsetting for all of you.
It could be that some family therapy would help all of you understand why DD is so hugely distressed about her daddy being out at work, and help you and DH work out a way forward.