Daughter crying for dad...i'm at a loss

[newmummylucy]

Good evening

Im really at a loss here so would really appreciate some guidance please. My husband works long hours and 9/10 doesn't get home before our 4y old goes to bed Monday-Friday... Weekends he spends a lot of time with her (including a lot of 1-1 time and also family time)

but the problem is, for about a year now my DC has been crying after him daily. in the morning she cries because she doesnt want him to go to work, in the evening at dinner time she starts crying because she misses him. She cries hysterically for hours and hours and does things like blows him kisses while shes eating dinner and shouts things like ''I love you dad''

She's always pining after him and saying she's missing daddy and its really starting to wear me down. I just want to make it clear - we are together and all live under one roof! I feel at the moment like all im doing is consoling my DC for missing her dad and initially a year ago i thought it would just be a phase... but a year on and im just at a loss now and i feel like its taking away our time together too where she's a happy 4 year old because she's just ALWAYS crying for him.

We do lots of fun things together and Ive been a SAHM for the past 5 years so ive really had a lot of special time with her. I console her when she cries, we draw pictures for daddy, bake him things, talk about what she loves about him, we read books that are personalised for her and daddy...I know it must be hard for her with him working so much, but as her mum im just starting to feel abit upset by it and im wondering when it will end.

My husband gives her fake promises like he'll be home to put her to bed etc and then when he doesn't im the one that has to pick up the pieces of a distraught child asking where daddy is.

Please give me some guidence because im really at a loss. Im trying to support her as much as possible, but my days are filled with so much more crying from my DC than happy times and its been that way for the past year.

Thankyou

So he'll be flexible with friends. But the fact his child is literally crying out for his presence and craving his time, he can't be flexible then?

Shocking.

God OP, he's horrible. I feel so sad for your lovely little daughter crying for an entire year for him while he's sat in an office, he could so easily come home and be with her. It must be awful knowing in your heart that he doesn't want to, that he's choosing the office.

I work long hours, but flexible. I work until midnight most days so that I can do dinner, evening play and bedtime, sometimes pick up too. That's just what you do when you love your children. Sometimes I have to miss bedtime, I let DC know, and I feel a bit sad about it. I never would choose to do this everyday for no reason.

He needs to stop giving vague answers let alone outright lying to her. She needs certainty, if he say I'll try then she'll be fixated on that and feeling anxious. He might have good intentions but he's making things worse for her. He'd be better off saying no then texting you just before leaving work if he is going to make it back in time. I'd also stop focusing on daddy and talking about daddy lots and start finding things to do that will distract her. Focusing on something that's making a child feel anxious and upset can often make the upset worse.

You cannot take responsibility for their bond. He is a shit father. That is on him.

He sounds an absolute selfish arse to be honest.
His poor little girl suffers and he actually doesn’t seem to care?

He’s not emotionally present for her.

Kids are incredibly perceptive from an early age.

He doesn't seem to have any emotions at all to be honest

Not really. He is choosing his hours and choosing not to come home. He can write proposals after bedtime.

This is really sad situation. He thinks he’s working all hours to provide for his family. His little girl is his family and he has no time for her! It’s backwards!!
he will destroy their relationship and trust for ever if he carries on. And if it carries on and she gets older she will really appreciate you as the one there for her with time. All she wants is time. I’m sorry but he’s out of order not even interacting and chatting just half an hour when he puts tv on instead, it’s precious years when they are little. They grown up too quickly.

.I've said all of this to him this evening and I've also said to him hes got 6 months to sort it out otherwise I will leave

That's huge.

I hope he listens and takes you seriously because there's a chance he'll just carry on being a workaholic / family drop out.

Can you make plans to leave?
You might well be better off
Being a single parent is really hard , but I imagine ( a bit like my son’s dad) that your husband would constantly let you down on days he agreed to have your daughter.

My ex husband was ( is!) emotionally distant.

He’s been married twice since me and hasn’t changed ( according to wife number 3!)

OP he sounds like a terrible father, and there will only be so much you can do to get him to change.

In the meantime can I suggest you look into doing a Circle of Security course? Your daughter only needs 1 secure attachment to be ok.

That can be and probably already is you. But doing the course will help you improve that and bring the focus for both of you back to your relationship. Your daughter needs to know she is loved and safe and you can give that to her without her father.

I haven’t RFT but I did read all of OPs responses, so sorry if someone already said this.

I really think this situation is doing your child a lot of psychological damage which could last in to get adult life, unless things massively change and fast. She is learning that the key male in her life is unreliable, does not reciprocate the emotions she craves (to show her love and attention) and she is learning that she has to 'try harder' to win his love by baking him things, making things, wanting him more. How do you imagine this dynamic will play out in her relationships with adult men?
It's not giving her a healthy learning experience for what constitutes a healthy, secure attachment. The attachment styles we develop in our childhood play out in our adult relationships. She sounds highly anxious about her relationship with her father and this is playing out in her behaviours, and ultimately is going to be very damaging for her self esteem. He needs to learn that his behaviour is causing her a lot of emotional damage. If he doesn't take this on board urgently and change his ways then this situation will continue to cause her great emotional damage.

“Workaholic”

These men escape family life under the guise of being “Workaholics”

Nope- they are avoiding family life.
They don’t “Workaholic” when off doing things with their mates!

🎯 Bang on target.

To feel so anxious at 4 about a cold and emotionally absent father makes me feel so sad on the little girl’s behalf.

A cold and emotionally remote father does untold damage to children.

I make him sit down and I'd have a long chat with him and tell him he needs to start coming home at a reasonable time and putting his family first and putting his phone down until his daughter has gone to bed.
There's no I will try, it has to be done he's making his daughter unwell and insecure

I'm a consultant and you can absolutely do all of your proposal writing and pitch decks etc from home. You can also automate a lot of that after you've been doing it for a while. You can even arrange your day so that it all happens at one end of the day. He is avoiding the "grunt work" of being a parent because he can't be arsed and thinks it is beneath him, and he's staying out late on purpose.

Haven't even got to the end of the thread and have positively decided he's the worlds biggest fucking twat!!

I would be having a serious discussion about this with him, and if he can't be arsed to change things then I'd leave his sorry arse asap, everything else will fall into place. You are all your daughter needs (and has anyway by the sounds of things!)

Just want to add.. you sound like an amazing mum and your daughter will be forever grateful as she grows up, knowing you were always there.

If he's a self employed consultant where is he working late into the night? Does he rent an office? If so can he bin it and get a garden room to work at home?
He's definitely enjoying this whole god scenario where he's adored and worshipped and wept over.
My husband works away a lot and the kids mostly never notice!! He's very present and adoring when he's home but they've always been so busy playing after school (same when at nursery) that they'd barely know whether he's home or not.
You need to spell out the damage it's doing to your DD- and any other children? You mentioned DC at some point - and given he's so selfish and fancies himself as king of the family, you need to spell out the consequences that will affect him. As in, your DD/DC might miss him now but they won't forget this anxiety and as they get older they'll resent him for it and will turn away from him. Your DD will look to other boys/men to fulfill that paternal role which might lead to relationship problems and instability as she becomes an adult. Does he want to be responsible for that?
If you do split up would he bother seeing his DC do you think?
Also tell him being absent so long is making you detach from him. At the moment he's seeing that absence makes the heart pine and weep - so not only does he get to work all the hours he chooses (is he really working those hours every day?? No gym/mates/pub/someone else?) but it's also benefitting his family position to be doing that! You need to stop that worship now.
Do you have other family/friends that can visit after school to distract you all from the gaping hole of dad not there?
Same at weekends - just make plans and take them out rather than hanging around depressed watching him on his phone!
You need to get all your lives back and show him either he joins in or you'll or just move on and forget about him - you can do all this without splitting up too so you can see if it helps motivate him and if not then you'll already be settled in your single life anyway so splitting up wouldn't be a wrench.

Agree with PP, he's not a workaholic. He's hiding on purpose.

One hour long showers?

Aye right.

OP - you and your daughter have DH problem. He dips in and out when he suits and wont be painted as a bad guy. Kids pick up on people that dont want to be around. Your daughter is already hero worshipping someone who doesnt deserve this level of adoration, and you’re supporting this behaviour and narrative. Brilliant suggestion above to stop painting him as this wonderful mystery figure - be honest. Paint for someone else, just start being hard and a bit more honest - its less confusing for them.

also you DO need to up your hours. And prep to leave!

I agree this sounds like confusion. Having a flaky ex who lets their kids down time after time again has the same effect (I know your husband is at work and not like that but I'm just seeing it from her perspective) When her dad goes to work she doesn't know when he will be back and it seems to be causing her anxiety. Consistency and stability is what she needs. Can you schedule a 5 minute video call at the same point every day so that she can speak to him whilst he is at work. When she starts to talk about him during the day you can repeatedly remind her that, Daddy will call you at 4pm or whenever it is. I wouldn't be revolving the whole day around him either but using lots of distraction. I haven't read the whole thread but the needs for absolute structure and meltdowns due to disruption to routine/expectations not being met can indicate ASD - not saying for a second she has it but worth keeping an eye out for other signs.

Thankyou for your comment. Im pretty sure my husband has it but im not an expert

"I love you daddy"

"That's nice"

My heart just cracked a little

Stop pandering to this arse. It sounds like you've taken lots of positive stuff from this thread which is amazing.

But definitely absolutely start brushing off talk of when she'll see Daddy next - start living your lives without him, just in the same house. He is living his without you two.

I think you need to be much more brusque and factual in your replies to your daughter.

When she starts crying, tell her not to be silly, you all live together and she will see her father tomorrow. Also tell her he needs to work and she is lucky that, at the moment, you don’t and she is lucky to have you home with her.

If she keeps going on, tell her not to be silly, that she is a big girl, and that she knows she will see dad soon, and then ignore and get on with your day. If she repeats, just ignore her.

In addition, her father needs to say ‘see you tomorrow’ when he leaves in a no nonsense tone. He should tell her he works hard and can’t be back before her bedtime. The odd time he gets home early will then be a nice surprise.

It isn’t normal to be so insecure about a parent, especially one you see daily.

I would give the above a try for a month or so. If it is still bad, it might be time to seek professional help.