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Original poster

Daughter crying for dad...i'm at a loss

135 replies

newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 21:17

Good evening

Im really at a loss here so would really appreciate some guidance please. My husband works long hours and 9/10 doesn't get home before our 4y old goes to bed Monday-Friday... Weekends he spends a lot of time with her (including a lot of 1-1 time and also family time)

but the problem is, for about a year now my DC has been crying after him daily. in the morning she cries because she doesnt want him to go to work, in the evening at dinner time she starts crying because she misses him. She cries hysterically for hours and hours and does things like blows him kisses while shes eating dinner and shouts things like ''I love you dad''

She's always pining after him and saying she's missing daddy and its really starting to wear me down. I just want to make it clear - we are together and all live under one roof! I feel at the moment like all im doing is consoling my DC for missing her dad and initially a year ago i thought it would just be a phase... but a year on and im just at a loss now and i feel like its taking away our time together too where she's a happy 4 year old because she's just ALWAYS crying for him.

We do lots of fun things together and Ive been a SAHM for the past 5 years so ive really had a lot of special time with her. I console her when she cries, we draw pictures for daddy, bake him things, talk about what she loves about him, we read books that are personalised for her and daddy...I know it must be hard for her with him working so much, but as her mum im just starting to feel abit upset by it and im wondering when it will end.

My husband gives her fake promises like he'll be home to put her to bed etc and then when he doesn't im the one that has to pick up the pieces of a distraught child asking where daddy is.

Please give me some guidence because im really at a loss. Im trying to support her as much as possible, but my days are filled with so much more crying from my DC than happy times and its been that way for the past year.

Thankyou

OP posts:
Katbum · 23/10/2024 21:54

You need to be blunt with him that him saying one thing then doing another is confusing and upsetting for your dd. You don’t say ‘I’ll try’ when she asks if you’ll be home early, you say, ‘daddy is working, I love you very much and I’ll see you in the morning when you wake up.’ Or whatever the truth is…

Original poster
newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 21:59

He's just got home from work and I attempted to have a discussion with him raising various points you have all said above about how she needs more reliability and it would be nice if he said to her he would read with her in the morning rather than just sleep on the sofa etc... and his entire response was "ok." and I said to him what do you mean okay? and he said "If i tell you what I really think it will cause a huge argument. so I wont"

OP posts:
anotheroneforthecollection · 23/10/2024 22:00

With every update you post he sounds more and more like a complete arsehole.

My husband has his own business and would never put our 3 year old child through this pain. Telling her he'll try to be home but never being home on time. Making time to go out and socialise when he wants but not to be home for her a couple of hours before her bedtime.

Nope. I think he's a complete bastard to do this to her.

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Original poster
newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 22:02

Hurdlin · 23/10/2024 21:47

So does he spend a lot of quality time with her at the weekend or is he often on his phone/asleep on the couch? If the latter, along with the false promises, I can see why she's feeling insecure and pining for him.

What does he say to resolve the issue, or is he leaving it up to you to deal with?

If he's self employed could he rearrange his hours to be home for dinner on certain nights (even if he has to pick up work in the evening?).

If she's been upset for a year she's clearly struggling eith the inconsistency and he needs to be on board to find a way to sort it out.

So, he'll do things like take her to the park etc but thats only for a couple of hours I guess... and then he sits on his phone and sleeps etc

OP posts:
LazJaz · 23/10/2024 22:05

He sounds exceedingly selfish.

Original poster
newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 22:06

anotheroneforthecollection · 23/10/2024 22:00

With every update you post he sounds more and more like a complete arsehole.

My husband has his own business and would never put our 3 year old child through this pain. Telling her he'll try to be home but never being home on time. Making time to go out and socialise when he wants but not to be home for her a couple of hours before her bedtime.

Nope. I think he's a complete bastard to do this to her.

Yes, You're right he is a complete asshole but I didn't want to say that on here as I dont want people to think Im being bitter for my DC pining after her dad

Im really at a loss. My husband smirks at me and throws degrading/undermining insults at me when I try to speak with him about anything..

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 23/10/2024 22:06

@newmummylucy doesn’t really sound like he’s being much of a parent or husband. Lying to your daughter causing further upset you are then left to deal with, not putting in much effort when he does have time with her, choosing not to prioritise seeing her when he sets his own hours. There is no point having a job to provide for your family if in doing so you are inflicting significant hardship on the family. He sounds very self involved and his answer to your reasonable issues was to dismiss you without discussion.

For your daughter it’s possible this behaviour has become a bit of a habit but it’s born of insecurity and confusion about if and when she will see her father, he is causing her that anxiety and it’s within his power to rectify it, he’s choosing not to.

Your latest comment is making me wonder why you are with him if he treats you so unkindly

Original poster
newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 22:07

LazJaz · 23/10/2024 22:05

He sounds exceedingly selfish.

I understand he works hard, but yes I do feel like he's very much in his own world. He has an hour long shower in the morning while I run around like a blue arse fly trying to sort everything out and DC for school and myself for work etc and he doesn't bat an eyelid

OP posts:
anotheroneforthecollection · 23/10/2024 22:09

He's not in his own world. He's a bastard.

5475878237NC · 23/10/2024 22:11

With every post I'm now wondering if missing Daddy is how she's expressing some rather big confusing feelings that you and he are leaking onto her through your poor relationship (sounds like he's the cause of it!).

Original poster
newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 22:12

NZDreaming · 23/10/2024 22:06

@newmummylucy doesn’t really sound like he’s being much of a parent or husband. Lying to your daughter causing further upset you are then left to deal with, not putting in much effort when he does have time with her, choosing not to prioritise seeing her when he sets his own hours. There is no point having a job to provide for your family if in doing so you are inflicting significant hardship on the family. He sounds very self involved and his answer to your reasonable issues was to dismiss you without discussion.

For your daughter it’s possible this behaviour has become a bit of a habit but it’s born of insecurity and confusion about if and when she will see her father, he is causing her that anxiety and it’s within his power to rectify it, he’s choosing not to.

Your latest comment is making me wonder why you are with him if he treats you so unkindly

Edited

Yes, I do feel at this point after it going on for so long he really isn't doing anything to help and despite me telling him how upset he is not much is changing. I do appreciate that he takes her to school ocasionally for 1-1 time or to the park at weekends etc but he just puts absolutely everything down to the fact he needs to work, which is fair enough but i've seen him be flexible for his friends but not his DC (or me if im ever unwell and need help at home in the evenings)

Im with him because the climate we live in at the moment is extremely tough. we live in central london and if we were to seperate it would involve moving to an area I could afford and moving DC school etc. its just not feasible at the moment. I will leave when the time is right

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 23/10/2024 22:12

5475878237NC · 23/10/2024 22:11

With every post I'm now wondering if missing Daddy is how she's expressing some rather big confusing feelings that you and he are leaking onto her through your poor relationship (sounds like he's the cause of it!).

Agree 100%

Onlyvisiting · 23/10/2024 22:13

newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 21:17

Good evening

Im really at a loss here so would really appreciate some guidance please. My husband works long hours and 9/10 doesn't get home before our 4y old goes to bed Monday-Friday... Weekends he spends a lot of time with her (including a lot of 1-1 time and also family time)

but the problem is, for about a year now my DC has been crying after him daily. in the morning she cries because she doesnt want him to go to work, in the evening at dinner time she starts crying because she misses him. She cries hysterically for hours and hours and does things like blows him kisses while shes eating dinner and shouts things like ''I love you dad''

She's always pining after him and saying she's missing daddy and its really starting to wear me down. I just want to make it clear - we are together and all live under one roof! I feel at the moment like all im doing is consoling my DC for missing her dad and initially a year ago i thought it would just be a phase... but a year on and im just at a loss now and i feel like its taking away our time together too where she's a happy 4 year old because she's just ALWAYS crying for him.

We do lots of fun things together and Ive been a SAHM for the past 5 years so ive really had a lot of special time with her. I console her when she cries, we draw pictures for daddy, bake him things, talk about what she loves about him, we read books that are personalised for her and daddy...I know it must be hard for her with him working so much, but as her mum im just starting to feel abit upset by it and im wondering when it will end.

My husband gives her fake promises like he'll be home to put her to bed etc and then when he doesn't im the one that has to pick up the pieces of a distraught child asking where daddy is.

Please give me some guidence because im really at a loss. Im trying to support her as much as possible, but my days are filled with so much more crying from my DC than happy times and its been that way for the past year.

Thankyou

Well it sounds like he needs to be less shit........
But given that seems unlikely of he doesn't make the effort to engage with her when he IS home.....
Could he reliably face time her for 15 mins at the same time each evening? Maybe during dinner? They can chat and she can say goodnight. Of course he would need to make the effort to stick to it.
I hate facetime calls personally but they have been invaluable for my family member who's grandchildren are on the other side of the world.

Original poster
newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 22:13

5475878237NC · 23/10/2024 22:11

With every post I'm now wondering if missing Daddy is how she's expressing some rather big confusing feelings that you and he are leaking onto her through your poor relationship (sounds like he's the cause of it!).

This could well be the case...(I hope not) we rarely see each other due to him never being home! and when we do we never argue in front of her. He reguarly buys me flowers at weekends so she does see a loving side between us

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 23/10/2024 22:13

Stop making him a hero
Draw for dady bake for daddy daddy this etc
Start treating him as tho he isn't going to be there.
Say
Daddy s at work. Let s draw your favourite toy.
Dadys at work
let s bake for granny. Let's bake for next door neighbour.

Original poster
newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 22:14

Onlyvisiting · 23/10/2024 22:13

Well it sounds like he needs to be less shit........
But given that seems unlikely of he doesn't make the effort to engage with her when he IS home.....
Could he reliably face time her for 15 mins at the same time each evening? Maybe during dinner? They can chat and she can say goodnight. Of course he would need to make the effort to stick to it.
I hate facetime calls personally but they have been invaluable for my family member who's grandchildren are on the other side of the world.

Show quote history

Thankyou - Ill try this

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 22:14

cestlavielife · 23/10/2024 22:13

Stop making him a hero
Draw for dady bake for daddy daddy this etc
Start treating him as tho he isn't going to be there.
Say
Daddy s at work. Let s draw your favourite toy.
Dadys at work
let s bake for granny. Let's bake for next door neighbour.

Ill try this too.. thankyou

OP posts:
Firestace · 23/10/2024 22:15

please don't suggest I need to up my hours

Perish the thought!

ChocolateLemsip · 23/10/2024 22:17

What an absolute shit dad and shit husband. Just terrible, thoughtless, selfish and cruel. I'm really sorry OP. You're not in a good position here.

Snorlaxo · 23/10/2024 22:17

He needs to stop giving her false hope. He needs to either let her know that he won’t be back before bedtime ever or arrange his work so he’s home from work one night a week. Can he work at home after she’s gone to bed?

cestlavielife · 23/10/2024 22:18

Regularly buys me flowers

Is not indicative of a loving relationship
It just means he s bought flowers.
He can buy flowers but cannot organise to be around you and child and be engaged

ChocolateLemsip · 23/10/2024 22:18

Snorlaxo · 23/10/2024 22:17

He needs to stop giving her false hope. He needs to either let her know that he won’t be back before bedtime ever or arrange his work so he’s home from work one night a week. Can he work at home after she’s gone to bed?

He can do what he likes but he cant be bothered to do anything for the child, as per OPs updates.

LurkingFromTheShadows · 23/10/2024 22:18

My husband gives her fake promises like he'll be home to put her to bed etc and then when he doesn't im the one that has to pick up the pieces of a distraught child asking where daddy is.

This is an absolutely huge issue, op. No wonder the poor girl is confused and insecure about her dad. Never knowing if he's coming back or when.

If my DH won't be home, he tells our boys straight. Youngest is too little to understand just now and although eldest is disappointed and sad, there's no meltdowns or hours or crying because he knows daddy will be there in the morning as my DH has built that trust.
Your dd doesn't trust her dad and is left feeling insecure and confused

Original poster
newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 22:19

Snorlaxo · 23/10/2024 22:17

He needs to stop giving her false hope. He needs to either let her know that he won’t be back before bedtime ever or arrange his work so he’s home from work one night a week. Can he work at home after she’s gone to bed?

He can yes.. He did just say to me that he would come home from work once a week to put her to bed so thats a good start. I will also suggest the facetiming each other during dinner

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummylucy · 23/10/2024 22:21

LurkingFromTheShadows · 23/10/2024 22:18

My husband gives her fake promises like he'll be home to put her to bed etc and then when he doesn't im the one that has to pick up the pieces of a distraught child asking where daddy is.

This is an absolutely huge issue, op. No wonder the poor girl is confused and insecure about her dad. Never knowing if he's coming back or when.

If my DH won't be home, he tells our boys straight. Youngest is too little to understand just now and although eldest is disappointed and sad, there's no meltdowns or hours or crying because he knows daddy will be there in the morning as my DH has built that trust.
Your dd doesn't trust her dad and is left feeling insecure and confused

Edited

Thankyou - I've said to him to stop saying things like he will try and to say to her he wont be home but he'll facetime her or see her in the morning etc so we will see how the next week goes

OP posts: