4yo being silly - CPS called on us by school

[Junkemail]

Our life feels like it's been turned upside over a silly comment my reception aged child said to their teacher that her and my DH have been eating crayons out each others bottoms.

We've ended up with social services knocking on our doors and my DH is being investigated. It is absolute nonsense, she's 4 and says stupid things like this all the time about a variety of people. My DH is being investigated as sexually abusing her now. That's one issue and I'm hoping he's found innocent in their eyes as he's been kicked out the house by then.

But how do I handle comments like this moving forward so it doesn't happen again. She tells lies and imaginary stories that I know aren't true and this time it's ended up with us being in real trouble.

A peck on the lips is not sexual. A snog is. We are human beings with bodies and context and relationships dictate what is sexual and what isn't.

It's sexual when my husband nuzzles into my neck. It is not sexual when I give my toddler a cosy nuzzle into his neck and he giggles and cuddles me tighter.
It's sexual when my husband rubs my bum, it's not sexual when my son falls asleep on me in the rocking chair and I rub his bum to soothe him to sleep.

Care to weigh in on that @Nannyoggapple ? I'm sure you'll be absolutely fucking flabbergasted at the thought of a parent rubbing their toddlers bum. I bet you never rubbed a bum or nuzzled a neck when you worked with kids 🙄

We’ve never done kissing on the lips. We do however do a lot of zombie biting type things, or ‘shark going to bite you’ type games, pretending hand is a shark. Could be arm, head, bum (clothed), foot etc… Slightly worried now!!!

I don’t expect my (now adult) DCs remember kidding us on the lips but it definitely happened - I even have pictures! They saw DH and I kiss on the lips so copied. (They only saw pecks not ‘snogging’ obviously 🙄). Lots of parents kiss their littlies on the lips.

You don't know what all was said in this case. You don't know if the child has been displaying unusual behaviour which has already caught the school's attention. You don't know if the child acted out this eating-from-the-bum in a way that looked suspicious. The OP won't even know what exactly happened at the school. The school did the right thing by reporting it. This only happened yesterday and they have already been told the father can return to the home, so it doesn't sound like SS thinks he is a threat. Everyone is just doing their jobs as they should. There is no way to investigate something like this without upsetting a family.

You said it better than I did.

@Nannyoggapple

You ever watched bluey, in the first episode the dad pats blueys bottom and says bum bongo's

Well said!

@rustyspoon45

(Salad fingers reference?)

Snogging is an adult, sexual act. Pecking on the lips is not, it's perfectly normal. It actually scares me the way other people's brains work.

I completely agree. I notice that people who kiss their children on the lips (I don't btw) are not the ones demanding that other people do. But those who don't are so quick to tell other parents that it's wrong and inappropriate.

It's also a cultural difference. My child has been kissed full on the mouth by other older children with a different racial and cultural background. Took me aback at first, but the sheer love in the other children's eyes immediately clued me in to the fact that there was a chasm of cultural difference here and babies and young children were something to cherish and show affection to. They doted on him.

@HollyKnight

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You don't know what all was said in this case. You don't know if the child has been displaying unusual behaviour which has already caught the school's attention.

Yes, that's why I said there must be more to the OP.

A) school is overstepping the mark and being too heavy handed
B) school is privy to more going on that made them raise concerns.

I did say that in my post.

Definitely a cultural thing, we're a Portuguese family and it's just normal.

This is an interesting thready, I don't see any issue with kissing your child on the lips when they are young. I find nipping and patting your child bum a bit strange. I wouldn't be making jokes about genitals with children as it is slippery slope and might make them vulnerable etc

My DD made a poem at school about "lots of blood, pain, and the woman hurting her" soon after summer break. Her teacher showed me the poem as they were concerned. I could straight away tell them what it was. My DD had fallen over on holiday, cut up both her knees, the entire campsite heard her scream blue murder - folllowed by a trip to the female doctor to have her knees glued and bandaged up (more blue murder) She was 6 at the time. So yes - I did thank her teacher for raising their concern.

That is absolutely horrific. He must have been devastated.

Whilst I agree, I’m just genuinely wondering about CSA.

Say it’s SA between a father and daughter. The relationship in this case is not a sexual one, however the acts that are carried out (the SA) is sexual. So does that then confirm that actually it is NOT the relationship that determines whether the act carried out is sexual?

Very easy for people to say "don't overthink it" or "it's better they investigate". No one would actually themselves want this to happen to them, so perhaps a bit of empathy won't go amiss in this situation. While it's great that abuse is spotted and stopped, that doesn't mean that people who aren't themselves being abusive should be ecstatic it's happening to them for the sake of the abusers that will be caught out by this system

Oh god that doesn’t sound like silly talk at all. Make my stomach turn. Good on you for reporting it.

@PinkFizz1

So does that then confirm that actually it is NOT the relationship that determines whether the act carried out is sexual?

Context and relationship.

The context in your example is a sexual abuser.

The existence of sexual predators and abusers does not change the fact that kissing on the lips, cuddling and nuzzling, patting and rubbing bottoms, and stroking/massaging are all things that are sexual between adults but not sexual between normally functioning parents and their children.

As someone whose three year old kissed me on the lips today in the park (in public no less!) I am glad the majority are on the side of this being normal!

It's not a regular thing but I'm pretty sure I have chased both kids up the stairs nipping them bums or pretending I am going to catch or eat them - wouldn't have thought twice about it! This is not sexual or sexualised behaviour.

I cuddle both my children in their beds before they fall asleep. Where do you draw the line?!

Maybe people who never experienced physical affection as a child. We have a big "family hug" with lots of kisses and cuddles in my house.

I also find it weird when people find it okay for mums to kiss their boys but not dads to kiss their daughters.

@Yourethebeerthief salad fingers indeed, Sharon Osbourne reference ;)

Thankfully you have restored my faith a bit, some of this makes very depressing reading.

😁

😂😂😂 I made a big story about going away somewhere with my dad's second wife when I was 5yo. I took a day off for being sick but that clearly was too boring an answer for me.

As the teacher asked me I had to keep on going with the story. It's funny at that age because you are aware you are lying and doing something wrong but equally you know you can't backtrack.

Hope it's just the same for you OP!

I wouldn’t call a child’s arse their private area when you still sometimes have to wipe it for them.

I’d have to pay for it now probably but yeah.

"eating crayons out of each others bottoms" is not the kind of thing a 4-year-old child would say even when being silly unless theyve witnessed or been subject to sexual behaviour/content. Its good that theyre taking this seriously because it does sound like child speak for something a lot more sinister.