4yo being silly - CPS called on us by school

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Our life feels like it's been turned upside over a silly comment my reception aged child said to their teacher that her and my DH have been eating crayons out each others bottoms.

We've ended up with social services knocking on our doors and my DH is being investigated. It is absolute nonsense, she's 4 and says stupid things like this all the time about a variety of people. My DH is being investigated as sexually abusing her now. That's one issue and I'm hoping he's found innocent in their eyes as he's been kicked out the house by then.

But how do I handle comments like this moving forward so it doesn't happen again. She tells lies and imaginary stories that I know aren't true and this time it's ended up with us being in real trouble.

I'm using the example that we wouldn't like it ourselves,

As people often forget boundaries and consent with children,

and then social services get involved.

If we wouldnt like it done to us, dont do it to a child.

if a man pats a woman on the bum, he can be charged with sexual assualt.

so its probably best to remember boundaries with childrens bums too

There have been so many threads on mumsnet lately where social services have been called on parents , because of something their child said at school.

But this is assuming that the child doesn’t like the silliness…a lot do. No parent is going to continue doing anything the child doesn’t find funny.

I would go and see a solicitor as a matter of urgency in your position

@Nannyoggapple

Would you like someone running after you, nibbling your bum, now as an adult?

Children and adults are different. You spent a lot of time around kids? I don't particularly like picking my nose and eating it, licking windows, running around in circles until I bang into things, or eating food crumbs off the floor either. You're attributing adult notions onto children's lives.

But yes, me and my husband do chase each other up the stairs nipping each other's bums and giggling. Kids love a bit of naughty silly fun. Why else is there a whole range of books now about bums, poos and underpants. And before that, all the grotesque nonsense by the likes of Roald Dahl. Kids love nudity, gross things, bodies, and learning about pre-sexual things like intimacy with close family, the concept of privacy, and how things change as they get older.

Most people can navigate and parent through these things instinctively without banning the "here comes the crab to nip your bottom" game or whatever other fun nonsense families enjoy together.

I really feel for the innocent parents who are investigated over one comment. I find it reassuring that comments are taken seriously, but must be awful when you know it’s all completely innocent.
I remember the story of a dad who was investigated for a while because the daughter was upset and told nursery “Daddy touched my noonoo” and the mum was in bits because the noonoo was just the daughter’s blanket that the dad had put in the washing machine

Don’t think I said they wouldn’t ask dad to leave. I expressed surprise that social services in the OPs area have capacity to launch an investigation based on a single incidence of quite “unremarkable” comment from a child (unremarkable insofar kids say disturbing but ultimately made up stuff like that all the time) - with no other previous safeguarding concerns.

If that is the case though, that’s fantastic for genuinely at risk kids in the OPs area, as suggests nothing is slipping through the cracks. It’s certainly not the case where I am.

Yes they bloody are! It's fun! For goodness sake, we are talking about buttocks here, not the anus.

Kids absolutely do say the most random shit. My sister, when she saw about 5 or 6 fell off a swing. The teacher saw this (luckily) and asked her what happened. She looked and answered in the most convincing manner: "My mum threw a fork at me last night."

It was so convincing that the teacher said if she wouldn't see it, she would have called social services.

When you hear stories like OP's you can understand why so many more people are choosing to homeschool. You can't just say it's better to be safe than sorry because these investigations have a devastating impact on families. It's a delicate balance.

Social workers literally cannot win! They're criticised for both acting too quickly to protect children and not acting quickly enough.

For anyone who hasn't regularly worked with children disclosing sexual abuse, "silly" joke comments and genuine disclosures from abused children often sound very similar, especially when children are young. I've worked with sexually abused children who start to disclose with equally "nonsense" phrases to this.

I'd also add that to a social worker who doesn't know you and your family OP, most mums say they don't believe he could have done it and say what an amazing dad he is. How is a social worker supposed to know instantly whether this is true or not?

@Nannyoggapple

There's a difference between your child running into your bum on accident

It wasn't "on accident" (it's by accident by the way)

I said in my post he did it on purpose. He was all up in my backside.

I agree. I pretend to nip whilst my LO is going up the stairs.

You can play with your children in any way you like. If you and their father want to play bum-biting games on the stairs, or kiss them on the lips, or share baths with them, or walk around naked in front of them, or let them touch your bum. Fine. You can just explain that to SS if you're asked. You aren't immune to investigation just because you know you are innocent. Not everyone "playing" is innocent. Professionals will, and should, continue to look out for children.

No wonder SS are so stretched if people get investigated for walking round their own house naked. Jeez.

I wouldn’t do it because I don’t want my child to be sick but what on earth is wrong with this?

You list these things as if they're deviant. That is sad.

Millions of people are not about to change eons of natural parenting because of a very modern cultural shift.

I think people get that its needed.

Its a sensitive subject and I can't think of anything worse to be accused of. Hell, I would rather be accused of murder than of sexually abusing a child.

Maybe if some of the posters on here had had more fun play as a child, they wouldn't be so uptight now.

At my Nan's, any child was expected to kiss (on the lips) everyone goodbye, including the dog!

Do hope it's all sorted really quickly for you, op.

Because they can be deviant. That's the point. How would a teacher know if it's innocent or sinister?

Children use language that’s families to them to explain or describe adult concepts or things that are not familiar to them.
to be honest I would be really worried if a child said this to me and would report it too.
Sadly I know so many adults who have in fact been sexually abused and were not believed my default would always be TO believe unless it could be reliably proved otherwise.

Nanny, just because it wasn't the norm in your family doesn't mean it's perfectly happy and normal for lots of other families.

Families behave differently and it's possible to behave "normally" in lots of different ways.

If a man came up and slapped you on the buttock on the street, he would be charged with sexual assault.

No adult ever nipped or bit at my buttocks when I was a child. And they played loads of games with me.

When did it become normalised?

Because context matters. "Daddy was naked in my room."

Maybe daddy just happened to be naked when he went into the room to get something. Or maybe daddy crept in in the middle of the night when mummy was sleeping.

No one can know without further information.

I didn't say just my family did I.

I said I've never seen any parent in real life kiss their child on the lips.

Ever.

And I've worked in a school with young children, and walked them to their parents when their parents came at the end of the day.

If a man came into my bedroom, tucked me in and read me a bedtime story I would not be happy either.

You can't compare an affectionate tap on the bum by a parent to an assault on the street for God's sake.

Anyone that works with children has to undergo constant safeguarding training.

I've worked with children in the past

If there is any suspicion of abuse, they have to report it.