4yo being silly - CPS called on us by school

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Our life feels like it's been turned upside over a silly comment my reception aged child said to their teacher that her and my DH have been eating crayons out each others bottoms.

We've ended up with social services knocking on our doors and my DH is being investigated. It is absolute nonsense, she's 4 and says stupid things like this all the time about a variety of people. My DH is being investigated as sexually abusing her now. That's one issue and I'm hoping he's found innocent in their eyes as he's been kicked out the house by then.

But how do I handle comments like this moving forward so it doesn't happen again. She tells lies and imaginary stories that I know aren't true and this time it's ended up with us being in real trouble.

where did you husband go when he was asked to leave?

do you have other children at the school?

Whats Monday morning going to be like?!

What on earth is all this stuff about bums and biting bums? Anything below waist height, leave well alone. There is absolutely no need to draw attention to this or involve with it , in any other way that toileting.

@Nannyoggapple

A bum is a private area. As I said, we wouldn't like if a man came along on the street and patted us on the bum.
This is a super weird comparison. A parent is not an unknown man in the street. There are many many MANY things my DH would do that would not be ok if a man on the street did it. In the same way there are many things a parent would do that would be inappropriate for a man in the street to do.

Like pick a child up. Offer a child some of their snack. Kiss a child on the head.

The man on the street analogy is just a bit silly and meaningless

@Nannyoggapple

you really are avoiding the question whether you have children

which is the answer in itself

“working with children” is as far removed from parenting a child as you can imagine

and as for you “working with children” @Nannyoggapple

care to elaborate?

Unfortunately I've known of other families who innocently have been caught up in similar nightmares due to misunderstandings (and alas kids who weren't removed in a timely manner where there was clear evidence of abuse and severe neglect reported by us). Social services aren't perfect but I do understand they do a very difficult job having to distinguish between innocent games or expressions and abuse (coming back to bite you on the bum is a normal expression for starters). If there is no suspicion of abuse after an initial investigation you are likely to get a letter with advice on ensuring that your child doesn't get confused again eg stop games that could be misconstrued.

It's a lesson learned basically.

I'm in the middle of a safeguarding case at the moment and getting them to take it seriously is the issue, but over reacting!

For a couple of weeks this went on with my friend. Sometimes she got me or another friend to pick the kids up.
When my friends dh was finally cleared he purposefully booked a meeting with the head, the teacher, the class TA. They were all acting so sheepish and defensive. Because of the man he is, he firstly apologised for the incident, he explained that he shouldn't have said 'you jumped on my willy'. He then said that he understood why they had to report it, and that they should always report it. He did explain that he was annoyed with SS because it could have all been sorted sooner. He asked if the school had noticed changes in his daughters. They then wrote up an official letter saying that both kids had become withdrawn. He took that to SS who couldn't have cared less.

Thank you for adding this comment. It’s horrendous that you were abused.

You have helped everyone here with your insight. Someone above has already commented but there has been a lot of child abuse apologists appearing here to muddy the waters.😀

Parents who teach their children safe boundaries are being scoffed at here - I wonder why?

Whilst I think @Nannyoggapple is slightly extreme, I also think a lot of people don’t fully understand the nuances of child abuse. In particular child sexual abuse.

it is not always some huge scary painful horrific event. It can be as innocuous as daddy “nibbling your bottom”, the difference being the intention and sexual gratification/intention of the adult doing it.

for 99% of parents, kissing your child on the mouth will be an innocent sign of affection. For 1% however it will be for sexual gratification. The child may not ever know the difference.

that’s why every allegation needs to be investigated.

Exactly. Don't do or say things that could be misconstrued. It's not "taking things too far" it's protecting your own family, it's not wasting social workers time, it's recognising that there are children out there that are going through heartbreaking SA who are sometimes only found out about and helped by precisely these type of "innocent but telling" comments. I don't understand why people find that hard to understand.

Since a much newer dealing with SS it's apparently quite common for them to tell the accused but not the other parent. I searches round and apparently if you don't ask what the crime was then it raises more suspicions.

Just make sure you insist for all family members interviewed to be completely honest and although you don't want to, really encourage your daughter to speak in the 121 sessions, however you need to not ask too much about those 121s. It's sad, frustrating and makes you feel like a bad parent who is given detention and accused of things... but my only advice is to get through it and realise that these systems are here for a reason.

Who gave you the platform to speak for everyone?

Thankfully lots of people care very much about healthy boundaries and keeping their children safe.

I've only had a couple posts actually answer my question about what can we do to stop this happening again,

perhaps because you were asking the question about the future when the present situation at the time of your OP was that your husband was currently out of the house being investigated for sexual abuse against your daughter!!

It’s none of your business whether she has children.

She has made some great points and if all you can do is attack her personally then you must know how weak your own arguments are.

because it’s relevant

oh it’s relevant 😆

on what planet is asking whether someone who is commenting at length about parenting, has children?

You don’t have to have children to talk about, or have an opinion on, parenting. I’m childfree and I’ve given my opinion on a particular point being made on this thread. People give their opinion on things all the time without any direct experience eg on the prime minister but they’re not a prime minister, on football but they’re not a footballer, on fashion but they’re not a fashion designer.

agreed

but if you are comparing your experience of “working with children” as relevant to “parenting children” then it rather undermines your views in the minds of most parents!

Op you could say you fly and some folks would say they also have wings.in addition not everyone parents appropriately.

look, a game of let’s all bite each others bottoms is unusual . This is why social workers are concerned. Then we have a let’s play keeping secrets from each other. And what your child said. Your child is four. Having an evening game where she has to go and bite her dad’s bottom and him hers just isnt normal and I’m really surprised you can’t see it. I understand it is innocent. But all taken into context what you’re teaching your child and what it is causing her to say, as she so little she doesn’t understand , is the root cause here. All she knows is him and her bite each others bottoms and it is encouraged.

That’s why you need to go through an assessment and they can’t just walk away, as there is red flags.

It will be fine in the end, but there is no way they can walk away when this is what goes on in the home, because it could be an indicator of abuse. It isn’t. We get that. But kids are abused. And they need to investigate every one.

I'm not trolling. In the UK children's social workers are not called CPS. A poster has come here minimising child abuse. You're helping them. And I'm pathetic?

Quite. And now the police are involved.

It's in the first thread post. Presumably to be followed soon by: AIBU to ask that my amazing DP be allowing be allowed to stay and keep poking crayons up DC's bottoms? It's a 'silly' and harmless disclosure, right? Wrong. It's seriously disturbing and symptomatic of child sexual abuse and I think OP is fishing for kicks. Story's changed over night I see. Personally, if my 4yr old was disclosing at this level, I wouldn't be minimising it on Mumsnet.

Parents aren't always the best people to raise children. Kids shoving crayons up their bottoms and having their anuses nuzzled by their dad is sickening.