4yo being silly - CPS called on us by school

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Our life feels like it's been turned upside over a silly comment my reception aged child said to their teacher that her and my DH have been eating crayons out each others bottoms.

We've ended up with social services knocking on our doors and my DH is being investigated. It is absolute nonsense, she's 4 and says stupid things like this all the time about a variety of people. My DH is being investigated as sexually abusing her now. That's one issue and I'm hoping he's found innocent in their eyes as he's been kicked out the house by then.

But how do I handle comments like this moving forward so it doesn't happen again. She tells lies and imaginary stories that I know aren't true and this time it's ended up with us being in real trouble.

Exactly. I do think some of the people don't show affection to their kids or even have just forgotten what its like to have young children.

Several posters have yes, but you also have spoken about having a “secrets game” which I would say is not typical and also not exactly appropriate because the context to a 4 year old is different to your context as an adult.

I think (nicely) that whilst you are trying to give your DD a fun filled, happy childhood, some of your boundaries have become a bit blurred.

sadly abusers are out there and you need to make sure you are equipping your dd with the skills to recognise when something doesn’t feel right and the reassurance to speak out if she is uncomfortable.

I would seek some guidance from the social worker about how to change some of the narratives you have created in your home. It’s fine to have fun but not at the expense of safety

OP I think you should consult a lawyer - I think it is too serious an allegation not to.

This sent shivers up my spine. I made a very similar comment about my uncle when I was 5. It was laughed off at the time but the reality was, a much older brother was sexually abusing me. It went on from 5 ish until I left the house at 9. I suspect he had been abused also. I am biased, as a survivor, but I wouldn't dismiss comments like this so readily.

5 years old until 9, that is

Well that’s clearly what OP means isn’t it.

@Typeonesickofchocolate
Why the trolling? I'm far more interested in what the 18 year old had to say than your pathetic comment.

Pretending to bite your kid's bum is one thing, but encouraging them to bite yours is another. You should have boundaries in place around children touching your private areas and by no means should encourage it even as a game. You're adults, it's clearly not appropriate.

The issue isn’t that people don’t show affection, it’s that some of the things that you are doing is also what groomers do and SS have no way of knowing if it is affection or grooming.
Having a game where you are pretending to bit someone bum, leads to bums being bit accidentally a couple of time, kids feels uncomfortable but it’s an accident so doesn’t tell anyone, the ‘accidents’ become more regular and before you know it, it has gone further.
The secrets game starts as her telling the secret but then she tells secrets that people don’t want her too, she sees the disappointment and stops sharing the secrets but has no other way to share.
It’s not about spoiling fun it’s how it can be manipulated by the wrong person.

When I was a kid some adult man managed to separate me at a big afternoon family my parents were throwing and was 'playing' being a dog and tried to lick me. It was all dressed up as a game but because my parents would never have touched me the way he was trying to, I knew it was wrong and thankfully was able to get out of there quickly. I didn't tell my parents (another story there) but I had enough personal boundaries to know a line was being crossed. That's what you are eroding with this kind of very physical play involving bums and areas of the body that she needs to learn are her private areas and nobody should be touching.

Ok I understand now.
I do think we have acted normally but appreciate my DD hasnt reacted to it in a way we expected so we will be changing our behavior.

We are struggling to find that line now, feeling very paranoid about everything we're doing.

Ffs.

You are starting to sound disgusting.

Kissing children on cheek or head is fine.

Kissing a young child on the lips is not acceptable. As many many people have pointed out to you now .

Do you ask your child's consent before you kiss them on the lips?

And before you say that's ridiculous.

Children are more vulnerable than adults and that is why they are heavily protected by law.

Children have rights.

Your dismissal of Children rights, laughing about the matter, and thinking you can do anything you want to a child, is a very bad and concerning attitude that you have

Please don’t feel paranoid. Speak to the social worker. They are there to support you and guide you as to any changes that need to be made.
contrary to popular belief they want to help you, not steal your children or ruin your life.

I’m really sorry that happened to you, I’m so glad you were able to get away from him.

Yep his 'ow you jumped on my willy' was said by him without any thought he was doubled over and just said it. I guess like sometimes women say 'ow you hit my boob.' Nievity by the adult, innocence by the kid, and then the professionalism of the person reporting to SS.

I think some parents need to take consent classes.

I know that some of it is well meaning, "oh this is just fun."

But they seem to think that they can touch their children in a lot of places, without asking for consent.

A bum is a private area. As I said, we wouldn't like if a man came along on the street and patted us on the bum.

So stop and think, "i should also respect that my childs bum is my child's private area."

This is about protecting parents too.I can't understand why parents would even put themselves at risk

We live in a world where child abuse is taken extremely seriously, and everyone who works with children must undergo safeguarding training. And they MUST report If they see any signs of child abuse.

There are a HUGE amount of threads on mumsnet lately, where schools have reported parents for abuse because of something their child said.

Instead of laughing, and saying it's fine and saying jokingly "oh social services would have a field day with me " as some posters said on here.

Take it seriously. And protect your child, and yourself

This is so sad, but it will pass.

I get why things need investigating though, people would be more angry if something was missed. When it's a mistake just has to run its course and it'll be over.

I don't have kids but I remember me and my friend were playing with her son, he was 3 maybe? We were shouting words at him for him to pretend to be, such as a shark, a dog etc, he then wanted to choose his own, he lay on floor with his arm by his side, we obviously couldn't guess so he gleefully exclaimed "I'm a poo!" , we laughed with him calling him silly, I then bent over to get something out the oven and felt him head butt my bum and he went "look I'm a poo coming out a bum" , my friend redirected him and advised not to put your head there and we both laughed it off and went back to the game, but I can imagine the comments he could make "I was inside wateringcansface's bum" etc. So I can see how it's easy done how an out of context comment could look dodgy

How absolutely ridiculous.

It's completely normal to pat your baby/toddler on the bum for instance when they are falling asleep.

But they seem to think that they can touch their children in a lot of places, without asking for consent. -

I agree with you that some parents need to learn about consent around their children but not just for the reason you’ve said here (and I’m not even going to mention social media)

I have a few relatives and friends who try and force/bribe/coerce/punish their children into giving me hugs and kisses hello or goodbye. One particular child is so shy she hides as soon as the door is knocked on or a visitor makes a move to leave because she knows she’ll be made to give hugs and kisses. I always say just let her wave or say it not hug and kiss and I’m told no that’s rude and I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m childfree you have to get kids used to this kind of thing. I’ve started saying no I don’t kiss children they’re too sticky and winking at the kids when I say it so they know I’m joking but it put the ‘issue’ on me rather than the kids being ‘rude’ or ‘too shy’ or whatever.

I have no idea why anyone would teach their small child that not kissing an adult is ‘rude’ it honestly worries me and that worry is answered with an eye roll and ‘you’re her aunt’ or ‘she knows you’ or ‘you’re a woman’ but not only doesn’t that matter how is a eg 2 year old supposed to understand the nuance that I won’t hurt them so they can’t be ‘rude’ and have to kiss me but it’s ok to be ‘rude’ and not kiss eg the creepy neighbour.

It's not really comparable though is it? Of course you're going to be weirded out if a strange man you barely know does that. It's nothing to do with being taught boundaries. It's just weird and inappropriate for anyone to try and lick a child they don't know.

I have never tried to lick my children like a dog. But I've pretended to be a shark in the swimming pool to catch and tickle them. I've pretended to be a monster and nuzzled their bellies. I'm their mum. We are bonded and it's ok for us to do that. Soon parents will be too afraid to even touch their own kids because of ridiculous views and over reactions such as this.

Yes predators and abusers exist. It's horrible, it's vile and kids should be protected. But I would think that they are in the minority compared to loving parents. You can teach your kids boundaries without making them devoid of all physical affection at home.

You clearly don't understand the process!

School nurses most definitely would NOT be examining a child. Not their role.
School staff would NOT be allowed to question a child further as it impedes an investigation.

So many people on here with absolutely no clue how common child sexual abuse is!

It has to be handled so carefully from the first disclosure. As a CP social worker I've seen botched investigations because schools/family started their own line of questioning.

It's horrific yes, if it is just a case of a child being silly. We know children make daft comments all of the time, god knows mine do. But they have to be taken seriously just in case!

I think the investigation will prove very helpful as well as educational for you and your OH.

OMG, that’s so unlucky 😂

The secrets game for Christ's sake. I can see your convoluted logic but that's not how you teach a 3 year old! You've massively over complicated the issue and put your family in danger because everything put together does sound totally inappropriate.
Here's how to teach young children about secrets- you teach your children that if any grown up ever asks them to keep something a secret from you then they must come tell you straight away and that no matter what they won't get in trouble. It's as simple as that.
It's worth doing an online safeguarding course.

No @Nannyoggapple you are the one who is coming across as disgusting. You are sexualising the most natural, innocent things and it's very concerning that your brain is going to places like that.

I don't need to ask my kids consent because they are the ones asking me for kisses and cuddles. Should I say 'oh no dear have an air kiss instead' because it's rude/vile/vulgar/inappropriate to kiss mummy?

You've been asked many times on this thread if you have your own kids, not if you work with them, if you have them. And you've avoided the question because I suspect you don't fully understand what it is to raise children.