4yo being silly - CPS called on us by school

[Junkemail]

Our life feels like it's been turned upside over a silly comment my reception aged child said to their teacher that her and my DH have been eating crayons out each others bottoms.

We've ended up with social services knocking on our doors and my DH is being investigated. It is absolute nonsense, she's 4 and says stupid things like this all the time about a variety of people. My DH is being investigated as sexually abusing her now. That's one issue and I'm hoping he's found innocent in their eyes as he's been kicked out the house by then.

But how do I handle comments like this moving forward so it doesn't happen again. She tells lies and imaginary stories that I know aren't true and this time it's ended up with us being in real trouble.

@DinosaurMunch

That's the point at which you tell him it's not appropriate to touch someone else's bottom and especially not with his head. He then learns not to do it again and that it's not funny. He is then unlikely to joke about it at nursery.

If you laugh and encourage this behaviour then you are failing in your duty to teach boundaries.

Aye, very good.

My little nephew was football mad. He heard the name Nwankwo Kanu, WBA I think, repeated it all the time with heavy emphasis on the "wank" until his mum told him off. Nobody knew how he even had it pegged as a rude word. His parents were not sweary, at all. Nannyogg levels of prim and propper. That may even have been why he used to delight in inserting the word wank in as many sentences as he could, along with willy, poo, fart and wee. All with an impish delight on his face, waiting for steam to appear out of mums ears. Anything he perceived rude/naughty was fair game. The shit he used to come out with was incredible and unfathomable. How his parents never faced this SS scenario I'll never know. I had a niece who was a complete fantasist too. She was caught standing on a chair eating sugar from the bowl with a spoon, which was still in her sticky hand. There's a photo of her doing it, alone in the kitchen. She first claimed she hadn't touched the sugar. When it was pointed out she had it all over her face, she insisted her big sisters had hit her, held her down and tipped it in her mouth. They were at school at the time.

Four year olds come out with some weird stuff. They misinterpret words, hear things wrong, misunderstand, remember things poorly and partially or conflate things from different times. The also invent things and, shock horror, outright lie. The problem is that adults can misinterpret what they say too. It's a two way street of misunderstanding. It must be very hard to be a teacher because of this.

I agree with others that one innocent comment wouldn’t have prompted this.

and the weird comment about living in a rough area. As if being middle class is a child abuse protector

Hi
I’m a safeguarding lead for a school trust. You will be surprised how many children are sexually abused by male family members. It truly is shocking. There have been some serious case reviews follows SS not taking things seriously so they are stepping up their approach - where they have the resources to do so. I would be very surprised if this comment alone meant your partner was not allowed in the family home - there must be more to it. That isn’t me saying he’s guilty for one minute so please don’t take it that way but the school may have passed on more than they are telling you. Information should only be withheld from you if they believe sharing it would result in direct harm to your child. Have you questioned SS as to what else has been reported?

I did work for
Social services and a parent is asked to live elsewhere during a sexual abuse investigation.

I don't think rubbing a child's bottom is normal. Patting a young baby's bottom to get them to sleep perhaps. With a nappy on. Definitely would be inappropriate to do that to a child of 3 or 4.

Just stay away from their bottom. There's plenty of other body parts to pat or stroke or chase etc. Go for an arm or leg

Funny that no kids are joking about their mums touching them innit

I can't tell what your point is. But it literally is one innocent comment. There really is nothing else.

Rough area comment is annectodal evidence. I've seen more antisocial behaviors from parents and their kids in my area and other rough areas than I have when living in nicer towns.

I disagree I would report it to SS and let them decide. Schools pass on information to the appropriate service who can protect children from harm. You fail in your duty of information isn’t shared.

No, no. You see, children don't need to learn what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour from their parents. They just magically know sticking your face in mummy's ass is a bit of fun, but sticking your face in someone else's ass is not ok. They don't need to be taught that.

(Meanwhile, in the real world, if children are going to be allowed to carry on like that they do need to be taught that what's ok with mummy and daddy is not OK with other people.)

It's also possible that children's comments about their mothers, sisters and grannies don't trigger safeguarding responses. Rightly or wrongly.

@DinosaurMunch

I don't think rubbing a child's bottom is normal. Patting a young baby's bottom to get them to sleep perhaps. With a nappy on. Definitely would be inappropriate to do that to a child of 3 or 4.

You don't think it's normal do you? You're telling me that when my 3 year old son is in need of comfort and I cuddle him on the rocking chair in his room and rub and pat his bum that I'm being inappropriate?

I couldn't give a rats' arse what you think.

Just stay away from their bottom. There's plenty of other body parts to pat or stroke or chase etc. Go for an arm or leg

I'll try my best to stay away when I'm wiping it. Perhaps one of those ten foot shitty sticks I'm always hearing about would help.

I'll continue to give my son a pat and a wee rub on his bum safe in the knowledge that there's nothing wrong with it whatsoever. Cheers for your thoughts on the matter.

That was terrible she was obviously too young to known what the word meant children pick up so much at school. My poor parents dealt with it great when I was 6 it would have shocked the neighbours me out playing on the street shouting ive got a vagina. Thankfully I stopped after a week and did not say it in front of teachers

We both got investigated and questioned separately by the police and SS and they only asked me really weird specific questions but never told me what my DD has actually said. But they told me DH, I only found out through him what DD said.

We then had another meeting later that day and I said " you never actually told me what she said that caused the concern, is there anything she said I've not been told" and it was repeated exactly as my DH and it was everything.

It was the 2 lines. There really wasn't anything else. I also checked with the head teacher I met earlier again. Those 2 lines only caused the report.

Ive been told by the SS the school said she's a brilliant kid, we should be proud and no other concerns.

In which case I can’t say I disagree with their approach because to me child safeguarding measures can never be over the top but thats because of the awful cases I’ve worked on including children being sexually abused by Dad whilst Mum enables. However I would rest assured that the case will be closed if no further concerns are raised. SS don’t have the resources to keep cases open.

@HollyKnight

(Meanwhile, in the real world, if children are going to be allowed to carry on like that they do need to be taught that what's ok with mummy and daddy is not OK with other people.)

"Allowed to carry on like that" 🙄 a mischievous 3 year old running into mum's bare bottom when she got out the shower. Lord save him from the life of deviance and criminality ahead.

Miraculously my son has sussed at the wise old age of 3, that you don't run up and cuddle other people's bums. Amazingly he also knows that if he needs a wee cuddle from someone other than mum or dad that he doesn't get to nuzzle up to them in the same way he does with us.

Home life and social life are quite clearly different for children.

There's a difference between helping them with hygiene or a medical issue and making things into a game or affection. Why can't you rub his back or arm instead. I do think it's strange, yes. There's no need to rub a bottom to provide comfort.

We have a friend who works in safeguarding too and their school have meetings with parents before escalating situations like this.

We've been put on a 45 day programme, my DD will be pulled out of class for 121 sessions with the social worker, and we will have a weekly home visits. So it's not closed yet. It's bonkers imo.

@DinosaurMunch

You sound like a pervert to be quite honest. This is not normal behaviour from a 3 year old.

I'll just go and report this since you're embarrassing yourself.

It is a weird thing to say and school would think so also even though it may be a game. Not saying the op or hubby are but groomers have tactics like making things in to a game making it seem normal.

There's a difference between helping them with hygiene or a medical issue and making things into a game or affection. Why can't you rub his back or arm instead. I do think it's strange, yes. There's no need to rub a bottom to provide comfort.

I do rub his back and arms, not that it's any of your business.

When he's cradled on me and I'm comforting him at night I support his bottom in one hand. I give him little pats and rubs.

You accused me of being a pervert. It is you who is overly invested in a normal parent and child bond.

I'm done with you.

Your son must be a genius to not need to be taught boundaries.

Give it a few years and see how your dgaf attitude works out.

@HollyKnight

Your son must be a genius to not need to be taught boundaries.

I do teach him boundaries. Away and bile your heid.

But sticking his face in people's asses isn't a boundary that needs to be taught. He just miraculously knows not to do it. He's a genius!