When did you start disciplining your kid?

[WhenSunnyGetsBlue]

My baby is nearly 7 months. I've just started taking her to baby groups and it has so far been very positive. She's a very happy and enthusiastic baby. She screams with joy at the smallest thing. Just this week though I've noticed her starting to test some boundaries. I put her in her pushchair to go home and she started fussing because she obviously wanted to carry on playing. She intentionally threw her toy out the pram for the first time. I've also notice her snatching the spoon out my hand (as I'm preloading it for her) and she can play a bit rough. She is a baby but these behaviours cross my boundaries. Above all I worry that she will be too rough with other babies in classes so I want to teach her to be gentle. Am I expecting too much? Or is now the right time to start using the word 'no'. Obviously I'm not talking about punishment, but is 6/7 months a good age to start setting boundaries eg. If you throw the toy out the pram it goes under the pushchair until we get home.

Maybe switch your focus to raising a happy child who is loved.

Children copy the behaviour they see. Be kind and gentle with your baby and the rest will likely follow.

If small issues arise when she is an older toddler then you can deal with them kindly when they do, but don't look for issues or problems where none exist. Don't imagine your baby is 'rough' because they are acting like a baby.

Btw I'm not saying the toddler who smacks yours with the truck is copying his adult. I'm just saying all you can do right now is treat your baby with love and not treat normal baby behaviour as if it's wrong.

You are almost thinking in terms of original sin!

She's a baby.

At this age, babies just need cuddles, love and consistency. She's not pushing boundaries or behaving badly - she's just being a baby. You don't need to worry this much about her future behaviour. Things can have natural consequences (eg if food falls on the floor it's not really hygienic to eat it, and that's not punitive) but you shouldn't be punishing a baby.

Please read 'Your baby and child' by Penelope Leach.

Someone once tried to get me to get me to tell my dd age about 7 months to stop making a noise in a public café. İt literally went against all my instincts of mothering a baby so I told them to leave us alone instead.

I just don't want to be the mother of the child who smacks your toddler in the face at nursery with a toy truck.

I get that. But I don't think it's something that you need to worry about at this stage. I think you are keen to start the parenting that will lead to good behaviour as an older child. That's understandable. But I think that giving her a loving safe environment where she is supported to explore the world is all you need to be doing at this stage. You can't teach her not to grab your necklace, because it's a dangly shiny thing attached to mummy. Of course she wants it. But you're jumping ahead to an age where she can resist temptation. A 7 month old can't resist temptation.
Don't be keen to parent a baby older than the one you've got.

For me, I’d be stifling a laugh and carrying on as usual. Babies reacting that way are funny at most, they aren’t being bad.
I say this kindly, but you may have to re think your boundaries here. Babies don’t give a flying fig about your boundaries. They are egotistical because that’s how we survive as infants. Distraction is your friend and pre empting tantrums. As the gets older.
Also don’t be hard on yourself if you get cross, it’s really really hard to be patient sometimes. But she isn’t doing it to be bad or upset you.

Oh and my oldest is 16, I’ve never disciplined.

@DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace I think that's a very fair comment. I definitely treat her older than she is, I find it hard not to. There was such a big leap from 4 to 5 months. She's playing and interacting with the world and it seems like every day she is surprising me with what she can do. I do forget she is not even 7 months. Especially because she has such a cheeky smile!

@Chipsahoy Yesterday she dropped Sophie the giraffe and I accidentally ran her over with the pushchair and she made a squeak. So of course she had to go to hospital to see the giraffe doctor... It does make me smile.
She has never made me angry or cross. Not once.

At this age, shadow and distract.

When she begins to understand cause and effect, then you can slowly introduce the idea that certain actions have consequences.

Is this a real post? Setting boundaries for a baby? 😅😅😅
They are literally babies. They don't push boundaries at this age at all. She is just exploring the world. They are learning so much- eg throw a toy see what happens.
Can be rough with other babies because they are just learning- there's no emotion or thinking behind it.
My son is 2 years 9 months and this is really when they do start testing boundaries so to speak. It's my job to guide him. Not discipline him.

Tbh I can't remember how old they were. Probably not that young. As soon as they were old enough to understand No and the concept of Naughty. Maybe like 1 yo at the earliest?

That young, discipline is basically just 'No, teddy is under the pram. You threw Teddy now you can't have him or he'll get lost.' They must've been old enough to be chucking a tantrum. I don't think they can really do anything to be disciplined FOR at 7 months, that's still a baby.

This is great advice! Aha yes, no doubt the toddler years will be eye opening.

You say you want her to know which behaviour gets positive attention and which behaviour doesn't get you rewarded.

At 7 months old ALL she wants is your attention, so your perception of 'disciplining' her IS rewarding. Any reaction from you she will find delightful, because babies just want to have that connection. She doesn't understand emotion, empathy, why adults are doing things or how her actions make you feel. She simply wants you to be there and to engage with her. I understand you are keen on boundaries, I have a 2.5 year old so trust me it'll come - but you can only deal with it effectively when they are older if they feel safe and loved and have been given opportunities to explore and develop a natural curiosity. Don't try and stunt that brain development so early.

On the physical stuff - she accidentally cut your face and you say this is not ok - it IS ok! It was an accident and she is 7 months old. 7 months. Zero intent. She will accidentally hurt people when she's an adult and it'll still be ok because accidents happen. You say we would be reacting differently if a child at a baby group had hit yours around the head - we wouldn't, because it is generally well understood that a 7 month old is still exploring their world and doesn't have fully developed motor skills. No way would I expect a fellow mum to be telling that baby off because they hit mine.

Please try and enjoy your baby, they grow up so so fast I cannot tell you. Let them throw their toys.

I’m sorry but I seriously LOL’ed at this:
”I don't want my very happy and excitable kid to be snatching toys off others and being rough. I don't care if she's 7 months or 7 years it's not acceptable in my view.

First of all, young children (least of all babies) are incapable of even understanding the concept of taking turns until around 2.5 years of age, then having the impulse control to properly share and “play nice” doesn’t come until 3+

All you can do is model behavior and gently correct i.e. “no, don’t touch people without their permission” “be gentle like this” over and over and over and over and over and over and over again for the next few years until you could die they are developmentally even ready to fully understand things like the passage of time, actions and reactions, and even a basic level of impulse control. And sorry to break it to you but your child WILL snatch toys and your child WILL be rough until they are old enough to know better from years and years of you reinforcing correct behaviours. Even then it won’t happen overnight where they suddenly wake up never being rough, there will be lots of ups and downs, steps forward and back along the way. For years.

But for you to think your BABY is testing boundaries is bonkers. They grab the spoon because “oooh spoon, I want to hold that” not to test you. You really need to start seeing the world from your baby’s eyes, not your adult ones or I can assure you, you are not going to survive toddlerhood.

I appreciate all the respectful replies and advice. Its made me have a long hard think about why my thoughts jumped to this. Probably something to do with the way I was brought up...

"You really need to start seeing the world from your baby’s eyes, not your adult ones or I can assure you, you are not going to survive toddlerhood."

This 1000 times over

I'm glad you're starting to listen to posters because you are honestly seriously on the wrong track and I think you'd benefit from a parenting class.

You say you don't want your child to be the one grabbing other children. Well a) tough. Most kids go through a phase of something like this as infants, and b) your parenting style is almost guaranteed to ensure she will be the infant who doesn't grow out of such behaviours. It's not cute when they're still doing it as toddlers.

My son went through a phase of grabbing other children's hair when he was about 6 - 8 months old. It was because he was one of the few scooting about fast and nearly ready to walk, so he was in everybody's business when the other babies were barely sitting up. He's now the gentlest 3 year old who would never think to hit another child. You parent them through it and at that age my role was simply to be the one mum who couldn't sit still at baby groups. I followed him around and caught him before he grabbed another child, and gently redirected him. It was exhausting.

You're mixing up a bunch of parenting styles for the wrong ages and you have ill-informed ideas of discipline. I am not being unkind when I say you need support understand infant and child development because you are giving far too much (incorrect) thought to basic aspects of parenting. At this stage it should actually be very straightforward. It's when they hit the toddler years that things get more complicated and there could be some discussion about different approaches to dealing with behaviours. I think it would benefit you to be around other children as much as possible and chat to other mums. Especially mums who've done this shit before.

Just enjoy your baby and if she chucks a toy out of her pram one too many times say "whoopsadaisy" and stick it under the pram. Everyone has been through the infuriating fling-the-spoon-from-the-highchair-five-million-times game. It's tedious but that's a baby's job. And if she scratches you by accident, grit your teeth and forget about it. Your child is not doing anything exceptional or at all out of the ordinary. Every single baby bores their parents to tears throwing things around (it's a developmental schema), and grabbing at hair, glasses, jewellery. You just crack on through it all and remove their hands from things you don't want them to touch all day every day until they grow out of it.

Okay, but I'm just asking what makes you think I don't do all those things? I am not exhausted by her throwing stuff or annoyed by the fact she grabs my necklace. I expect her to do these things. I was just asking at what age you start correcting these behaviours. I don't understand how my picking toy off up the floor and saying "oh no giraffe fell on the floor" and putting it under the pushchair is any different from your "whoopsadaisy" example. I don't find myself bored to tears or challenged by my daughter, I was just vocalising a thought, wondering when it is considered an appropriate age to enforce boundaries in a gentle way (discipline)? I don't think that is a completely unreasonable question.

You know nothing about my parenting or my child. You do you and ill carry on doing what I'm doing.

@teatoast8 I'm sure lots of people do know a lot about your parenting because they recognise you from previous usernames where you put a lot of detail.

@WhenSunnyGetsBlue

Because you're fixated on notions of discipline too early. If you're doing these things then carry on.

As for when do you start "disciplining": Not in infancy is the answer.

Genuine consequences for "naughty" behaviours start in toddlerhood and build up gradually. So, from the age of about 1 I've been able to say to my child "we don't hit" and move him away from any other child he might be having a little kerfuffle with. Or "books are not for throwing, let's go out into the garden and throw some balls", then you tidy the books. You can say these things in a performative way at the moment, more for the benefit of other parents at playgroup than for your baby- you're just showing them that you're Doing The Thing. But it's a good habit and way of talking to start getting into. An infant is too young for a logical consequence to be tidying up all the books that have been thrown, for example. A young toddler can have that consequence with your help to tidy. At one year old their contribution might be putting one book back on the shelf with lots of praise. My just turned 3 year old (if he ever dared to throw a book!) would be running about to pick them up myself under a stern glare from me and is at the stage of saying "I'm sorry I did X, that wasn't very nice", of his own accord.

You slowly build to more complicated conversations and consequences. There is no set age, you will judge your child's ability to understand things.

By the age of 3 we now have consequences like:

"Oh dear, I see you ripped a page of that library book"
"I'm sorry mummy it was an accident"
"Thank you for saying sorry. Sometimes accidents happen. We need to be gentle with all books, especially library books. What should we do?"
"Daddy can fix it with tape"
"He can, good idea. But I think it would also be nice to say sorry to the librarian too"
"That's a good idea we can do that!"
"Ok we will do that when we return the book. Put it away now and be very careful with your..."
"Books!"

This is a genuine conversation that happened last week with my son who just turned 3 last week. However I have friends with children the same age who are not developmentally ready to understand or respond in the same way. So if I said to my son, "if you don't start showing me that you can play safely with that toy, I will have to remove the toy because someone is going to get hurt and upset. What do you think is a better way to play with the toy?", friends might physically take the toy from their child to get their attention and say "stop throwing or the toy goes away. That might hurt someone."

Also don't be fooled by a child who seemingly understands. Some children like my son can talk the talk but are still only 3 years old. Another toy will be thrown, book ripped, friend pushed etc etc. But they build up a language as a framework to understand things, and you keep your parenting style and consequences consistent or they will find any weakness there and run roughshod over you. I'm not a fan of overly gentle, tip-toeing, softly-softly parenting. Get to the point quickly and follow through with consequences.

So that's my answer to your question. Hope it's helpful.

Have you heard of Circle of Security? It's a course you can do F2F or online. It helps you understand and respond to your child's needs and feel confident in your responses.

@banthebiglight that was incredibly helpful! Thank you. Discipline definitely isn't my focus at the moment as some people have assumed, it was just a thought process. My baby is starting to show signs she is exploring cause and effect/beginning to understand object permanence which is why i wondered whether this was a good time to start gently introducing the idea that actions have consequences. I can see now it is too early to be thinking of that.

With the tidying up thing, after we have played with toys I make It a game to tidy up and put everything back in the box. I think she's only ever actually put one thing in the box, and even then that was probably just a stroke of luck. I have to tidy up anyway so to include her in that process I hope sets an example. I don't see any harm in starting that early because again tidying up is a game, NOT a punishment, to set them up for success.

It feels horrible that people have assumed I'm an authoritarian parent wanting to dish out punishments to a 6 month old! I really am not. But there you go.

To be honest, I think it is because your wording is concerning when talking about a baby… ‘unacceptable behaviours’, ‘crossing your boundaries’ and her scratching you during play being not ok at 7 months. None of those things apply to a 7 month old!