When is the right time for my daughters to know about their half-sister?

[C1air3J]

Backstory.

I was married to my ex-husband for 10 years, together for 12, and we had two daughters together. When they were 4 and 2, I found out that their dad had been having an affair for 3 years and had got the other woman pregnant. I was pregnant with my third at the time, I knew something was off, he begged me to keep it, however after the abortion the affair was revealed a couple of weeks later (not by him), and the other woman was due to give birth 5 months later. This is the level of manipulation I was dealing with.

I ended the marriage immediately and moved me and the girls a couple of towns away.

My daughters are now 15 and 13, and don't know about their half-sister. Their dad pays their mum maintenance after a DNA test, but has nothing to do with the little girl. I find this quite sad because it's not the little girls fault how she was brought into the world, my door would always be open for her (not the mum because she knew he was married).

My ex-husband still sees our daughters, approx four nights a month (his choice) and they adore him. I've put my feelings aside for the benefit of my daughters mental health by having a present father. He's been difficult to co-parent with, but on we move. Sometimes he makes good choices, however he is responsive to my concerns when he makes bad ones. I'm fortunate my daughters have an incredibly present and strong step-dad.

Both of my daughters bring me complete joy. My 15 year old is wonderful. Kind, sweet and smart, she brings us no issues. My 13 year old daughter is the same, however, we have had some behavioural issues that seem to be slowly getting sorted; I'm incredibly proud of her.

This is my question: when is the right time to tell them about their half-sister? I feel my eldest would be quite sensitive to the news, and at present, I'm unsure with my youngest, whether this would rock the boat with her progress. I'm aware that with social media, the world is quite small, and they will certainly find out another way eventually. I want it to come from their parents. I'm 100% confident their dad would try and keep it a secret until the day he dies. I'll give him the opportunity to tell them, but if he doesn't, I will. But when is the right time?

what does your ex think?

you don’t say whether you’ve actually raised this with him

Imo it would have been better to have told them during the split younger kids handle this sort of stuff in their stride. But as this ship has sailed I would do it at a time that would least interference with their exams.

I think the longer you leave things the worse it would get. I’d probably say I’d hoped your dad would have told you, but I think you should know why we split…

Tbh i think this is something that should have been introduced a lot sooner in an age appropriate way. iHowever they’ll have friends who have blended families so it might not be too much of a shock.

Sooner rather than later. Make sure they know that their sister might not know about them though.

I would tell them as soon as possible. The longer you leave it, the more chance of them hearing it from someone else, which would be awful. As you suggested, give your ex the opportunity to tell them, then just do it,

This is the problem. Mid teens is not an idea time for children to find out their parents are not who they thought they were.

be prepared for them to be a angry with you and anyone else in the family who know and kept it a secret all these years

whatever you decide

don’t frame it as a negative or something to be upset or ashamed about

the more the merrier when it comes to family and friends

I agree with a previous poster the best time would have been when you divorced. I'd tell your exh you would like to tell your DD's together with him. If he agrees fine if not tell him you will tell them. Don't leave it any longer because your DC will feel you both conspired to lie to them. This happened to one of my school friends and she and her brother were angry with both parents when they found out.

I agree with this. I can't remember not knowing that I had a younger half-brother (my Dad walked out for the OW when I was tiny and started a new family). My half-brother didn't find out that I existed until he was 17 though, and it did not go down well at all.

20+ years on we have managed to build a sibling relationship and I really enjoy spending time with him (despite my still not speaking to our Dad), so who knows how things will turn out for your daughters and their Sister in the future.

Surely it's down to him to tell them?

I don’t know. Why would you?

you are still harbouring a serious grudge against the child’s mother

are you prepared to engage with her if your daughters wish to meet their half sibling?

@CheeseWisely I've never even met my father but I know he has other children, they won't know I exist. My aunt told me about him because my mother wouldn't.

If your ex tell them that you are lying, can you prove that he’s wrong?

You should have told them a long time ago because the child is presumably old enough that they could go on a computer and contact your daughters herself ?

It’s a terrible time to find out (little kids take this info in a much more matter of fact way) but finding out from their half sister would be worse. There are 10/11 year olds on social media.

@DearGoldFish I wouldn't say I was harbouring a grudge. If she came knocking with their half-sister, I would fully engage. Would we be friends? No. Would I communicate for the benefit of our daughters? Absolutely.

I haven't approached the subject with their dad, I'm not quite sure how to without him doing something irrational and just blurting it out without thinking about the wider picture. I'm tempted to approach his wife, she seems to have her head semi screwed on.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay It was always very matter of fact for me, I don't believe I was ever sat down and told as if it was a big deal. I just knew that my Dad lived with another Lady and they had a little boy who was my half-brother.

What was hard was when I was desperately excited to meet him (circumstances of that are a long story!) and he initially completely refused to engage because he was understandably stunned and very angry about it being kept from him until almost adulthood. I'm thankful he eventually came round to it and we now both have the sibling we'd always wanted as 'only' children.

@SonicTheHodgeheg I can prove what actually happened if he lies, so I'm not worried about that in the slightest.

I've realised I've messed up and that they should have been told sooner.

my door would always be open for her (not the mum because she knew he was married).

i wouldn’t want to leave my children in the company of someone who feels like this about me

@saraclara It should be down to him. I'll give him the opportunity.

@caringcarer I agree. I realise I've messed up by not telling them sooner, and will brace myself for any anger on their part. I'm willing to pay for counselling should they need any external support.

do you know any details? contact details? where they live?

Is there a reason you’ve not told them and want to now? I agree that earlier is better but honesty is best. Don’t delay- just choose a good time to chat to them and be honest.

@DearGoldFish I wouldn't expect her to leave her daughter with me.