When is the right time for my daughters to know about their half-sister?

[C1air3J]

Backstory.

I was married to my ex-husband for 10 years, together for 12, and we had two daughters together. When they were 4 and 2, I found out that their dad had been having an affair for 3 years and had got the other woman pregnant. I was pregnant with my third at the time, I knew something was off, he begged me to keep it, however after the abortion the affair was revealed a couple of weeks later (not by him), and the other woman was due to give birth 5 months later. This is the level of manipulation I was dealing with.

I ended the marriage immediately and moved me and the girls a couple of towns away.

My daughters are now 15 and 13, and don't know about their half-sister. Their dad pays their mum maintenance after a DNA test, but has nothing to do with the little girl. I find this quite sad because it's not the little girls fault how she was brought into the world, my door would always be open for her (not the mum because she knew he was married).

My ex-husband still sees our daughters, approx four nights a month (his choice) and they adore him. I've put my feelings aside for the benefit of my daughters mental health by having a present father. He's been difficult to co-parent with, but on we move. Sometimes he makes good choices, however he is responsive to my concerns when he makes bad ones. I'm fortunate my daughters have an incredibly present and strong step-dad.

Both of my daughters bring me complete joy. My 15 year old is wonderful. Kind, sweet and smart, she brings us no issues. My 13 year old daughter is the same, however, we have had some behavioural issues that seem to be slowly getting sorted; I'm incredibly proud of her.

This is my question: when is the right time to tell them about their half-sister? I feel my eldest would be quite sensitive to the news, and at present, I'm unsure with my youngest, whether this would rock the boat with her progress. I'm aware that with social media, the world is quite small, and they will certainly find out another way eventually. I want it to come from their parents. I'm 100% confident their dad would try and keep it a secret until the day he dies. I'll give him the opportunity to tell them, but if he doesn't, I will. But when is the right time?

I would reframe how you feel about her mother, your ex has abandoned the child, he's on another marriage, I think he's the one going through life leaving a trail of disaster at his back.
Time to put grudges aside and do what is best for all the daughters here.

I would start by apologising that you haven't told them a lot sooner. It was really wrong or you to withhold this from them for so long.

I would say that you as their father split up because he had met someone else who ended up pregnant. It didn't work out for them as a couple and he doesn't see his daughter who was born to this woman.

Do not bad mouth the woman or your ex, just state the facts calmly.

You were so upset at the time that you divorced their dad as it was an unforgivable thing to do.

You've all moved on now and are on a good level of parenting with their dad so you don't want the upset of anyone taking sides.

You just wanted them to know that they have a half sister.

If you do facilitate a meeting with their half sister you are going to have to bite your tongue regarding he mother as it's all water under the bridge.

Don’t be too hard on yourself OP. It’s a difficult situation and you did what you felt was best for them at the time

I think its ok to explain that when you tell them, you were trying to make the decisions to safeguard them emotionally and perhaps in hindsight you would have done it differently

You havent messed up as such, yes I think they should have been told before now, but you're going to tell them now, so think positively about that, support them as they need it. I wouldnt leap straight to 'counselling' thoughts, the best therapy children can receive for things that are difficult is good parenting, solid, predictable, emotionally warm, nurturing and boundaried parenting.
Good luck OP

@Shutupyoutart Thank you so much for sharing your story. I don't agree with the "it's not my place" mentality. I want to give him the opportunity first. My eldest has just started her GCSE years and is thriving, already doing A-Level work. I fear if either he or myself tells her now, this could seriously affect her school life. I've really messed up by not telling them sooner.

I really think its up to him to deal with his messess TBH, I'm not sure why people would think you should mop this one up and deal with everyones feelings? He doesnt see the child, you've got limited/no influence over him as an ex. They are all mid teens now. I'd tell yoir daughters when they are adults if he hasnt told them by then. He's the gatekeeper to the relationships between the children as he's the relative in comon not you, so enjoy your daughters and get on with your life.

@soupfiend Ultimately that's what it was, safeguarding. I only ever had good intentions.

We're fortunate in that we currently have a household where we can communicate exactly what we're feeling and talk it through. I'm hoping by dropping this, they still feel they can do this with us.

@SavingNotSpending Thank you.

Now is the time to tell her rather than waiting more months. Dont wait on him, you have knowledge about their family, a sibling of theirs, that is incredibly powerful and valuable information in terms of their identity and it needs to be shared now.

My family have had a missing adult sibling make contact when the younger siblings were the age of the OPs. The teens were welcoming and soon made friends with the new sibling. Years later they are still friends.
Your DC will not necessarily be upset.

@skeletonbones I wanted to get them through school/exams before dropping an emotional bombshell. They're currently flying through school, so I'm unsure if this is the right time.

Yep, it his mess. Unfortunately the dynamic is that he creates them, and I clear them up for the sake of our daughters. I've possibly created a rod for my own back.

I'd leave it until they are young adults now. It really should have been done when they were younger but seeing as you've waited this long I'd leave it a bit longer. The teen years are tough enough as it is. Why cause the upset now?

@Windmillsofyourminds I do hope so. My daughters have an incredible relationship with each other, a really incredible close knit relationship. I have no doubt they will extend the same warmth to their half-sister if given the opportunity. It's something I would encourage, but only if it's reciprocated.

@Ixon I'm inclined to agree. I'm thinking of waiting until they finish school and they get past the hormonal turbulence of the teenage years. Reading other posts/comments makes me think I shouldn't though, and with social media making the world smaller, I'd like it to come from their parents.

This exact thing happened to me - I was in the same position as your daughters. The girl came up to me in school (she wasn’t in my school, but her school came to mine for a visit) when I was 15 and I was mortified. I knew about it beforehand, but I hadn’t been told calmly as my parents were still together and my mum had only just found out, so it was causing huge problems with my parents as you can imagine.
I wish I had been told calmly and had the chance to react and ask questions. I was quite mature for a 15 year old though, so I was able to process it, but it did make me very angry with my dad for a while.

It's difficult timing in a GCSE year. You need to asses the risk of your daughters (especially your oldest daughter) finding out through gossip or social media or an ancestry.co.uk type site. If you think she could get through to end of GCSE year without finding out, then wait. Otherwise, get ahead of it.

I know people who've accidentally discovered similar family secrets through just a casual ancestry website search or through a genetics test website. Then the damage is two fold. The secret and the betrayal of never being told.

@DeCaray This is exactly how I plan to tell them. I don't want to rock their relationship with their dad. They can see that I've happily moved on anyway with no resentment. They are at the age now where they can see me biting my tongue a lot with regards to his choices. I've taught them that you can control how you respond, and not control how others act. It's a saying in our household.

You can't trust your ex to tell the girls sensitively so you should choose the time and place.
For me, I would tell both girls at a time when both can handle it. Your older child seems ready, so tell them once you are more sure of the younger one coping okay as having them keep a big secret like that from one another is not fair.

Stress to them that their half sister deserves to have privacy until she is an adult or until her mother deems it appropriate.

Will the news affect their relationship with their father?

Will that impact negatively on their schooling etc.?

@louise9422 Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can imagine you would have been angry with your dad, I was incredibly angry with my dad when he had an affair, 20 years later and I still have no respect for him. He didn't even try and change his ways though.

I don't want that for my daughters, so trying to get as much information as possible at this stage. Should have told them sooner.

I'd tell them now (at the next calm weekend). There's never going to be a "good time". Young adulthood is likely to be just as stressful and chaotic in new ways, and they won't be living at home with you and your partner for support.

I'd consider telling the school too as they might need some extra support.

You should definitely talk to the mum first. You’d be opening a Pandora’s box of emotions and you’ve no idea of the impact it might have on the child or her family. The woman may have other children and be happily married. She may not want her past exposed to what to her are strangers. This is not your secret - it’s your ex’s and the other woman an up to them whether to tell their children.

There’s always something to worry about with kids. When they are at uni you worry that they have nobody to talk to irl and are putting on a brave face or that they are at work having to fake it.

Next summer holidays might be the best time so that they can have space and time to think and talk and they don’t have to go into school the next day and put on a brave face.

Your meddling in a can of worms
This could all explode in your face ,in various different directions,
What are you hoping to achieve by stirring the pot
It's not your news to tell .it is actually none of your business,

Abject nonsense.

Can't see the point of telling them after all this time. It's too late.