When is the right time for my daughters to know about their half-sister?

[C1air3J]

Backstory.

I was married to my ex-husband for 10 years, together for 12, and we had two daughters together. When they were 4 and 2, I found out that their dad had been having an affair for 3 years and had got the other woman pregnant. I was pregnant with my third at the time, I knew something was off, he begged me to keep it, however after the abortion the affair was revealed a couple of weeks later (not by him), and the other woman was due to give birth 5 months later. This is the level of manipulation I was dealing with.

I ended the marriage immediately and moved me and the girls a couple of towns away.

My daughters are now 15 and 13, and don't know about their half-sister. Their dad pays their mum maintenance after a DNA test, but has nothing to do with the little girl. I find this quite sad because it's not the little girls fault how she was brought into the world, my door would always be open for her (not the mum because she knew he was married).

My ex-husband still sees our daughters, approx four nights a month (his choice) and they adore him. I've put my feelings aside for the benefit of my daughters mental health by having a present father. He's been difficult to co-parent with, but on we move. Sometimes he makes good choices, however he is responsive to my concerns when he makes bad ones. I'm fortunate my daughters have an incredibly present and strong step-dad.

Both of my daughters bring me complete joy. My 15 year old is wonderful. Kind, sweet and smart, she brings us no issues. My 13 year old daughter is the same, however, we have had some behavioural issues that seem to be slowly getting sorted; I'm incredibly proud of her.

This is my question: when is the right time to tell them about their half-sister? I feel my eldest would be quite sensitive to the news, and at present, I'm unsure with my youngest, whether this would rock the boat with her progress. I'm aware that with social media, the world is quite small, and they will certainly find out another way eventually. I want it to come from their parents. I'm 100% confident their dad would try and keep it a secret until the day he dies. I'll give him the opportunity to tell them, but if he doesn't, I will. But when is the right time?

A bit different but my sister and I learned when we were around 10-12 that my dad was married before and had children. We never met and he didn’t have any contact with them (other country) and from what I guessed from putting bits of the story together I think he must have left his wife for my mum.
All of this to say we weren’t that shocked, curious yes but not mad that it had been kept a secret.
According to my dad they were NC because they (ex wife and children) only contacted him for money but didn’t wanted to see him otherwise, one of the children even making physical threats for money.
That was enough to never really be interested in them, I looked them up on FB when I was a young adult and added them as friends and exchanged a few messages but that was it.

Not sure why some posters seem obsessed with you needing contact details or even a meeting already lined up before you tell them.

They may never want to meet her, they might want to meet her in a year or now. You just don't know.

I would tell them ASAP and then let them lead on attempting a meet up. I would stress that you always intended to tell them but struggled with the right time and that you understand if they're angry you didn't tell them sooner.

But the fact she still has a grudge against the OW will be used against her.

i have to say I’m wondering who else is aware in the families.
In particular the father’s family.

I wouldn’t tell them now. Now at their ages.
It has been a secret for 11 years. It can wait a few more years.

Why do you want so much that your children have a relationship with their half sister when their dad doesn't have one with her and has never even met her?

I agree with other posters: the half sister may not even know.

She's been the rejected child, not your daughters so if she does know, she may not want anything with your daughters or anything to do with you.

It's your ex that should share this with your daughters, not you. You'll just come off as being the bitter ex wife who was cheated on.

By who?

I don't think that 13 and 15 are the best ages to tell your daughters (they should have been told many years ago imho). But, please, do tell them sooner rather than later. The longer the lies persist, the longer the feelings of betrayal, belonging and identity will take to process.

Her ex who might not be happy that she is telling it all? I mean he is a manipulative twat in the first place.
The OW who might have rebuild her life and her dc doesn’t know who their ‘real’ father is,

Or simply her dcs that will see their world crumble yet again and might prefer to think it’s their mum who is seeking revenge rather than their dad being a prick - because they adore him.

The problem here is that it’s not just about having a sibling. It’s when the sibling was conceived and the fact the OW became pg several months before they even talked about divorce.
A sibling that no one knew about born several years before the OP and ex met would have been a very different situation for example.

I'd be very surprised if two teenage daughters take the side of their father's mistress from over a decade ago who they've never met and didn't know existed, over the side of their mother. The ex probably won't be very happy about it but there's very solid evidence that he cheated on their Mum. Children tend to be very black and white about adultery.

You should have told them way before now. Much harder to process the older you are. However although you did tell the dad that you are going to tell your daughters, it's not his call whether they get to know. They have a right to know who their relations are and you know, so they should also know. Having said that thinking is now tricky. Teens is a tricky age when you are already dealing with a lot and you tend to have quite overly moralistic black and white thinking at that age. They may struggle to process it now. However if you leave it until they are in their twenties, and they know you knew this whole time they probably won't go down well either. I think all things considered you need to tell them as soon as possible but be very careful how you go about it. And be expecting some fall out so be conscious of timings - don't do around Christmas or birthdays or just before exams for example.

I never told my DD about her half sister (who is 8 months younger than her) until she was 16 and the sister came looking for her family. It was my exes brother who told me she had made contact.

I was worried that my DD would have been angry with me for not telling her but I explained my reasoning and she was fine. Part of the reason I never told her was because I was worried she would want to find her sister and make contact and I had no idea what her sister's life was like, or if she even knew who her father is and I didn't want my DD tracking her down and disrupting her life.

The sisters now have a good relationship and talk and see each other fairly often.

My ex has another child who is 12, he has met the half sister but not my DD and I have no idea if his parents have told him about my DD. They are now divorced and my DD has no contact with her dad.

Did you ever tell them @C1air3J ?

This. Much harder the older they get. I'd have told DC when we split up why we split up.

Having only just found out that I have potentially two half sisters ( definately one ) in my late 50s with them older in the 65-75 bracket I feel we’ve missed out on so much

Children Knowing the truth and parents not having secrets is crucial if you and your ex both expect respect from your children