When is the right time for my daughters to know about their half-sister?

[C1air3J]

Backstory.

I was married to my ex-husband for 10 years, together for 12, and we had two daughters together. When they were 4 and 2, I found out that their dad had been having an affair for 3 years and had got the other woman pregnant. I was pregnant with my third at the time, I knew something was off, he begged me to keep it, however after the abortion the affair was revealed a couple of weeks later (not by him), and the other woman was due to give birth 5 months later. This is the level of manipulation I was dealing with.

I ended the marriage immediately and moved me and the girls a couple of towns away.

My daughters are now 15 and 13, and don't know about their half-sister. Their dad pays their mum maintenance after a DNA test, but has nothing to do with the little girl. I find this quite sad because it's not the little girls fault how she was brought into the world, my door would always be open for her (not the mum because she knew he was married).

My ex-husband still sees our daughters, approx four nights a month (his choice) and they adore him. I've put my feelings aside for the benefit of my daughters mental health by having a present father. He's been difficult to co-parent with, but on we move. Sometimes he makes good choices, however he is responsive to my concerns when he makes bad ones. I'm fortunate my daughters have an incredibly present and strong step-dad.

Both of my daughters bring me complete joy. My 15 year old is wonderful. Kind, sweet and smart, she brings us no issues. My 13 year old daughter is the same, however, we have had some behavioural issues that seem to be slowly getting sorted; I'm incredibly proud of her.

This is my question: when is the right time to tell them about their half-sister? I feel my eldest would be quite sensitive to the news, and at present, I'm unsure with my youngest, whether this would rock the boat with her progress. I'm aware that with social media, the world is quite small, and they will certainly find out another way eventually. I want it to come from their parents. I'm 100% confident their dad would try and keep it a secret until the day he dies. I'll give him the opportunity to tell them, but if he doesn't, I will. But when is the right time?

I have a half-sister who reached out to me via social media when I was 20, she would have been 15.

I think she found out about me as a young teen, I'd known about her since I was 9 or 10.

Honestly, for us, it was not the 'emotional bombshell' people are describing.

We didn't meet at that time but did afterwards, when we were both adults. I was grateful for the fact I could meet her on my own terms, without any of the adults in the story chiming in.

I'd suggest you tell your daughters and let them make contact, if they want to, when they don't need you to facilitate a relationship.

I would let the other mum know that you will tell your daughters so that she can lock down her social media or tell her dd. She may want to lock down her SM so your daughters can’t contact her or her daughter because she may not know who her dad is and she may not want her daughter to know the story behind her conception.
Her dd may not have the same reaction to your daughters to the news and thanks to puberty could change her mind about wanting to meet at a future date too. She might want to only meet one group out of her dad and half siblings plus your daughters might not agree on meeting her too. Either way I would focus on talking to your daughters but warn them that their half sister may not feel the same way that they do with regards to a meet up.

I'd leave it until after GCSEs, that way the eldest has some time to process it before A level exams and youngest has some time to process it before she enters GCSE's.

I would also leave any conversations with ex about it until after GCSE's because he might start the conversation with the girls outside of your carefully planned approach.

Maybe seek some professional advice on how to break it to the girls - what a horrid situation he's put you in.

I'm going to go against the grain here, I don't think I would tell them at their current ages. When younger, yes but not now at the most hormonal pivotal time of their lives. My DH doesn't see his Dad and knows he likely has siblings, but like a PP there is no huge drama, just an acceptance that he shares DNA and a useless Dad with strangers.

Don't put useless worry on yourself. These kinds of things are happening in the whole country, they know someone with such a life from school or know of

And when the sister contacts them on social media, what happens?

The longer you leave it the worse their reaction will be as they’ve not been told. I say you have no choice now but to share this info

Try to think of it from your children's perspectives.

They have a right to know who their close family are. If they want to get to know their half sister it should be up to them.

Just like with adoption, in these situations it's better if they know as soon as possible. One of the hardest parts is finding out that people whom you trusted lied to you for so many years.

I don’t think you should leave it until they’re both finished with school. You have another 5/6 years until your youngest will have completed further education and at that point could be heading off to uni.
thats not exactly an ideal time to drop the bomb of another sister either.

it could also be easily taken out of your hands before then too.

i would say that you need to tell them sooner rather than later in a way that is controlled and manageable.

I told my daughter pretty much from the very beginning that her father had married another woman and had another daughter. And my daughter has never expressed an interest in meeting her though I understand she has wanted to meet my daughter. They have never met, and my daughter has no contact with her father, he, his wife and their daughter are irrelevant to her. So it has made zero difference to her life to have a half sister.

It might be that the OP's children feel as indifferent to their half-sister as my daughter does.

@C1air3J my children have a half sibling they have never met but they have always been aware. My ex husband has no contact with his other child. My children now all pretty much adults in their 20s have never queried or questioned it and haven’t sought their half sibling out but maybe because they’ve always known. As far as I’m aware their half sibling believes his step father is his dad so I’m glad they haven’t sought him out as he is likely only around 10 and that part is down to his mother.

My DP found out about a secret sibling at secondary school (they was in the same school). His mum had always known and never told him they had a huge falling out over it because as someone up thread said everyone knew but him. He actually moved out to live with his grandparents as the deceit felt too much.

I would encourage their father to speak to them and if he is not forthcoming speak to them yourself.

If they find out from someone other than you your relationship could be damaged forever and they may not ever trust you again.

Honestly, you need to tell them ASAP.
Do it on a Saturday morning so they can spend the weekend processing and talking with you and have a counselling session booked for just them on the Monday.

You sound like an incredible mother and you have put them first at every turn. I don't envy you this conversation but I think it is urgently necessary.

Inevitably if you do as PP says and leave it to your ex to tell them (and he doesn't so they find out elsewhere), he won't be blamed because he is the Disney dad and you are their emotional support and consistency. You will unfairly get their betrayed anger.

My goodness you have both denied them having a relationship with a half sister. That’s going to be a bomb in their teenage lives.

I would say that it's quite normal to hold some negative feelings towards your ex-husband's mistress.

I'd tell them as soon as possible, away from any big events that they need focus for (exams, performances etc.) but I'd tell your ex you're going to tell them before you do.

Never.

Thats not going to happen though, their father has caused this situation and hidden away a child from them.

As their father has left this secret hidden away for so long - Id wait until they are both over 17

It isn't your secret to tell, but you have your dds best interests at heart - which clearly the father didn't and still hasn't got a grip upon.

I'd tread very carefully, as people often shoot the messenger and you could find it impacts negatively on your relationship with them

Considering that the other mum didn’t contact OP as well, it’s unlikely that she was considering the relationship between the half siblings too. OP hasn’t done anything wrong - dad should have admitted it and not casually abandoned his youngest daughter the way he has. That will probably end up being the bombshell - how can a loving dad to dd1 and dd2 not bother with dd3?

Let's look at it from another angle: your ex, the father of this girl, doesn't have any contact with her. You clearly, with good reason, dislike her mother, so why would this girl want anything to do with you? Why would her mother?
People don't always have contacts with all their relatives, you are not oblige to track down everyone your DC are related to and introduce them into your life. Teenagers have enough emotions to cope with, your family is already blended (with new DH, ex, ex's new DW and probably a whole train load of step relatives), don't add any unknown to the mix. I would leave it if I were you.

@Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink They have, not me, and yet they still remain silent.

Exactly. She wasn't the one who was married!

I would tell them now. You don't need an excuse or occasion to do it, just do it.

I found out that I had a much older half sister when I was quite old. I didn't need counselling! You might find they don't care or on the other hand might be interested in meeting her. I can't see why they would be angry, but I know family dynamics vary.

They need to know because if their father died without making a will, this half sister would inherit something and that might be a shock, to say the least.

I would say that it's quite normal to hold some negative feelings towards your ex-husband's mistress

Normal but irrational. It's the husband who's at fault.

@queenofguineapigs He's as irresponsible with his money as he is his love life. He has nothing, inheritance doesn't even come into it, so this doesn't concern me at all. It's simply their emotional wellbeing.

@queenofguineapigs I don't hate her, I don't really feel anything towards her really. I just know we couldn't be friends. We have very different morals and lifestyles.

Try not treating it as smth too dramatic, a bombshell and all the rest of emotionally charged definitions, otherwise your daughters would pick it from you and react accordingly.
I would just share it without apologising, along the lines of "btw uncle John from Australia you never met maybe in town soon".

i would contact the mother before telling my daughters to see whether she is prepared to engage to get the girls together

if she is… then when you tell the girls, this is likely something they’ll be very keen to do

if she is not… then when you tell the girls you can manage their expectations regarding meeting their sister

I think they’ll be very exited to meet her. So you need to be able to manage this if not going to happen until they can get together independently