When is the right time for my daughters to know about their half-sister?

[C1air3J]

Backstory.

I was married to my ex-husband for 10 years, together for 12, and we had two daughters together. When they were 4 and 2, I found out that their dad had been having an affair for 3 years and had got the other woman pregnant. I was pregnant with my third at the time, I knew something was off, he begged me to keep it, however after the abortion the affair was revealed a couple of weeks later (not by him), and the other woman was due to give birth 5 months later. This is the level of manipulation I was dealing with.

I ended the marriage immediately and moved me and the girls a couple of towns away.

My daughters are now 15 and 13, and don't know about their half-sister. Their dad pays their mum maintenance after a DNA test, but has nothing to do with the little girl. I find this quite sad because it's not the little girls fault how she was brought into the world, my door would always be open for her (not the mum because she knew he was married).

My ex-husband still sees our daughters, approx four nights a month (his choice) and they adore him. I've put my feelings aside for the benefit of my daughters mental health by having a present father. He's been difficult to co-parent with, but on we move. Sometimes he makes good choices, however he is responsive to my concerns when he makes bad ones. I'm fortunate my daughters have an incredibly present and strong step-dad.

Both of my daughters bring me complete joy. My 15 year old is wonderful. Kind, sweet and smart, she brings us no issues. My 13 year old daughter is the same, however, we have had some behavioural issues that seem to be slowly getting sorted; I'm incredibly proud of her.

This is my question: when is the right time to tell them about their half-sister? I feel my eldest would be quite sensitive to the news, and at present, I'm unsure with my youngest, whether this would rock the boat with her progress. I'm aware that with social media, the world is quite small, and they will certainly find out another way eventually. I want it to come from their parents. I'm 100% confident their dad would try and keep it a secret until the day he dies. I'll give him the opportunity to tell them, but if he doesn't, I will. But when is the right time?

It's kind of outside your life. I mean, couldn't you say something like "Your father has a daughter with another woman, that makes her your half-sister"? The timing of it is less crucial and can emerge later. If they're well-adjusted, happy girls then it might be a nice surprise - the more the merrier!

I thought that.

OP, I do understand how you feel, however time has passed and the woman may see things quite differently now and, apart from her daughter whom I presume (hope) she cherishes, regrets she was ever involved with your ex. She may well be happily settled with someone else and have another child or children.

It probably would have been better for your daughters to have known about their half sister before but we are dealing with the here and now and, let's face it, their dad has never told them. No doubt he didn't want to disclose something that showed him in a worse light, especially as he has nothing to do with the child. Poor kid.

Please do tell them and don't leave it much longer. They may be a bit upset, they may not, but that won't last. They will surely understand that you were in a difficult position. Before it goes any further than that you must, imo, have a gentle word with the child's mother, best by letter so she can think about it for a while. You don't know what she has told her daughter and the fact that your ex has nothing to do with her is extremely significant.

You are both women who have been let down by the same man, try to think of that way. There's no reason for you to be enemies now, what happened is in the past.

I wish you all the very best. Please let us know how things go.

I thought that.

OP, I do understand how you feel, however time has passed and the woman may see things quite differently now and, apart from her daughter whom I presume (hope) she cherishes, regrets she was ever involved with your ex. She may well be happily settled with someone else and have another child or children.

It probably would have been better for your daughters to have known about their half sister before but we are dealing with the here and now and, let's face it, their dad has never told them. No doubt he didn't want to disclose something that showed him in a worse light, especially as he has nothing to do with the child. Poor kid.

Please do tell them and don't leave it much longer. They may be a bit upset, they may not, but that won't last. They will surely understand that you were in a difficult position. Before it goes any further than that you must, imo, have a gentle word with the child's mother, best by letter so she can think about it for a while. You don't know what she has told her daughter and the fact that your ex has nothing to do with her is extremely significant.

You are both women who have been let down by the same man, try to think of it that way. There's no reason for you to be enemies now, what happened is in the past.

I wish you all the very best. Please let us know how things go.

Im surprised that people think its appropriate to wait, not just months but years until 'young adulthood'

If they are settled and thriving now, the right time is now

In a few months there might be a boyfriend on the scene, a break up, a difficulty at school, other unexpected issues that you cant predict. Over time there will be a reason that its not 'the' right time, so it drifts and drifts, never being resolved.

The girls are part of a sibling group of 3 sisters. Currently they think they are a sibling group of 2 sisters. That needs resolving now, its a huge piece of their identity. Information is all that is being looked at here, not meet ups, not introductions, not engagement, just that 'this is who the relationships are in your family'. I didnt tell you then for good reasons but I cant not tell you now.

Well it's not ideal now but it will probably only get worse the longer you leave it. Small kids deal with this sort of stuff far better but nothing you can do about that now. Tell them asap

I would definitely let the OW know before you tell your kids on the basis their first reaction may be to try to track down their sister and if the sister also doesn’t know anything about her history that would be a lot for a 10 year old to deal with. She may have been living with a step parent for years and believe him to be her real father. And even if you tell your own kids not to track her down, there’s no guarantee they won’t.

I wouldn’t speak to your daughters until you have spoken to all adults involved.

You should definitely speak to the half-sister’s mum before telling your daughters.

It would be awful if the half-sister has no knowledge of you all and she finds out from anyone other than her mother because your daughters get in touch, bump into her, tell friends etc.

They can find out once op has established what kind of a relationship her daughters will have with this new sibling but to drop a bombshell and not have any answers about the future isn't fair. Her ex needs to make his position clear first.

@Summerpigeon None of my business? This could impact OUR daughters emotional wellbeing. It's very much my business, and I'm the only one who seems to be concerned about navigating it.

I think they need to know asap.

Chances are it may affect them and their behaviour may get worse for a while but I think it’s better to do it at a time when they don’t have a lot going on and you’re more in control of the situation, than waiting for it to come out accidentally at a bad time.

Imagine it coming out in the middle of your eldest doing her GCSEs or the youngest going through something.

If they’re both pretty ok at the moment and don’t have anything too stressful going on, then I would do it asap (or in a couple of weeks once they’re settled in their new school years).

I think you should start speaking to their dad about telling them and have him come over and explain it to them.
You can be there to support them.

Unfortunately this is probably the worst possible age to tell them and as you have acknowledged this should have been done long ago.

Regardless you need to do it as soon as you possibly can.

I think you should have told them in an age appropriate way shortly after you had found out. Then they would have grown up accepting it. Now it’s likely to become a big reveal and potentially cause issues.

DH dad died recently and it has come out that he has a half (older) brother from a woman before he met DH mother. He is angry that no one told him (rumours had been floating around since I have been about and his mother died before I met)

crucially though he has no way of contacting him (he is surprisingly not around on social media) or his mother because these details died with his father (and he can’t find any paperwork) and it does leave a whole, our children may have cousins etc they don’t know

Well I disagree.

You shouldn’t have told him sooner about their half siblings.
THEIR FATHER should have told them about the fact he produced another child, with another woman, at the time.

It’s great you want to tell your dds. I think they deserve to know about their sibling.
It is absolutely not your fault or responsibility to tell them. That was and still is their father’s. Who probably isn’t keen to come and explain to them you separated because he cheated on you and got another woman pg. And THEN simply abandoned the child.

EDIT
I really think it would be better if it was coming from the father, theur in common father.
I also think now is going to create a shit show tbh.
If you are set about YOU telling them, I’d also be extremely careful you’re not going to look like the bitter ex who wants to find a way to settle score.
Your two dds love theur dad. It’s often much easier to kill the messenger, even if they have proof, when says message is destroying the image of your dad.

It's difficult because they may want to meet her and her mother may not be up for any communication, in which case your daughters might feel worse. But you definitely need to tell them at some point soon.

Supporting her daughters to know that life is uncertain and answers are not always available is good parenting and Im sure she can do that. The fathers position may not be clear for ever, drift, change, might not agree, who cares what his position is

OP is joint owner of this significant piece of information about her own daughters sibling, therefore she needs to share this with them.

I’d be inclined to try and contact the original OW, and find out what she has told her daughter. If you tell your kids, and they want to meet their half sister but OW won’t allow it, then you need to be prepared for that. I think it’s risky dropping this bombshell but not knowing what their options will be afterwards.

This for me too. Agree it’s their dad’s responsibility but sounds like he won’t do it. The longer you leave it the worse it will be when they do get told, and the more likely they will find out some other way, so get it done asap having prepped for some fall out. Sorry your ex is a spineless dick.

Also possible child from affair doesn’t know her bio father is her bio father. She may be raised with stepfather as father . DNA surprises are not uncommon. You would do a kindness to the other family to let the mother know of you plan to share this news. All of you in this story are only ever a few DNA tests taken by cousins/aunties/whoever away from linking the relationships.

I think you need to consider more than your daughters here, think about the other sibling, her feelings matter here too.

l would first get in touch with the mother and ask what her daughter knows about your girls, explain you are going to tell your daughters and would be accommodating towards them meeting and having a relationship. The outcome of this would determine the way you tell your daughters.

l wouldn’t beat yourself up about having not told them, l also wouldn’t blame the woman , it as your ex that should off been the one to back off, he knew what he had at home,

Yes, good idea. Be in possession of all the facts including the stance of child's mother and if said child knows anything herself first. She may not know either which will have an impact

A complicating factor here is that your ex H's other child has been totally rejected by a father she's never met. You're talking about a possible relationship with your daughters who have him in their lives and "adore" him. Do not underestimate the pain and anger the rejected and unacknowledged child in this situation may feel. I think a first step would be to contact her mother and establish what this child knows. Does she have a stepfather? Does she know the circumstances of her birth? The other mother needs to know that you are planning to tell your girls, not least in case they go looking for their half sister, which is as you say much easier these days.

In terms of your own daughters, yes, they should have been told much sooner and whoever tells them now needs to start with a big apology and recognition of that.

ETA as someone with an equivalent rejecting father, your ex is a total dick and thanks for trying to do the right things here OP.

It would have been better to tell them a long time ago, for their sake, so better now than later, even if your ex disagrees.

Sooner the better. He needs to step up and tell them.

I disagree. I found out about half siblings, not via my parents, when I was an adult. I was furious with the entire family that knew, and that me and my brother were the only two that didn’t. I am not saying that she should rush to tell them this minute, but it’s not ideal to leave it until they find out for themselves.