When is the right time for my daughters to know about their half-sister?

[C1air3J]

Backstory.

I was married to my ex-husband for 10 years, together for 12, and we had two daughters together. When they were 4 and 2, I found out that their dad had been having an affair for 3 years and had got the other woman pregnant. I was pregnant with my third at the time, I knew something was off, he begged me to keep it, however after the abortion the affair was revealed a couple of weeks later (not by him), and the other woman was due to give birth 5 months later. This is the level of manipulation I was dealing with.

I ended the marriage immediately and moved me and the girls a couple of towns away.

My daughters are now 15 and 13, and don't know about their half-sister. Their dad pays their mum maintenance after a DNA test, but has nothing to do with the little girl. I find this quite sad because it's not the little girls fault how she was brought into the world, my door would always be open for her (not the mum because she knew he was married).

My ex-husband still sees our daughters, approx four nights a month (his choice) and they adore him. I've put my feelings aside for the benefit of my daughters mental health by having a present father. He's been difficult to co-parent with, but on we move. Sometimes he makes good choices, however he is responsive to my concerns when he makes bad ones. I'm fortunate my daughters have an incredibly present and strong step-dad.

Both of my daughters bring me complete joy. My 15 year old is wonderful. Kind, sweet and smart, she brings us no issues. My 13 year old daughter is the same, however, we have had some behavioural issues that seem to be slowly getting sorted; I'm incredibly proud of her.

This is my question: when is the right time to tell them about their half-sister? I feel my eldest would be quite sensitive to the news, and at present, I'm unsure with my youngest, whether this would rock the boat with her progress. I'm aware that with social media, the world is quite small, and they will certainly find out another way eventually. I want it to come from their parents. I'm 100% confident their dad would try and keep it a secret until the day he dies. I'll give him the opportunity to tell them, but if he doesn't, I will. But when is the right time?

Honestly, I think the right time would have been when you found out, giving yourself a bit of time to come around to the reality first.

My friend found out she had half siblings around 14 (she was the younger one, product of an affair that turned into a marriage when her dad abandoned his other children). It completely flipped her world upside down and she went off the rails, drug abuse, a pregnancy at 14, etc. Now in her case, there was clearly some underlying issues already, but she would have coped much better if she’d known from very young and hadn’t felt like her parents kept secrets from her.

I think sooner rather than later, but make sure you have support in place for them. They will need a neutral third party to talk to about it all.

@fourelementary Their half sister will soon be at social media age. Their dad won't tell them unless his hand is forced. The last conversation we had, he said he doesn't need to. So it's left to me.

@mindutopia Agreed. I've already spoken to some counsellors should they need that support.

I would have told them years ago. It's not good to keep secrets like that. And it's not exactly their dad's secret only either, since you knew all along. The key thing being they share genetics with this other child.

I suggest finding a time soon when you can be with them and able to listen to their concerns, anxieties, questions etc. So maybe the start of a weekend, or half term holiday?

Tonight. Sit them down and say that you think they need to know about some of the family history now they're older. I would also apologise for not telling them sooner and give any genuine reasons that are age appropriate for not doing so. It's also OK to say I thought your father might do it himself but now your half sister is getting older you didn't want to wait.

I have half siblings but I don't refer to them as such, so take your lead from your kids. If they develop a relationship the "half" might disappear.

so… she’d need to be present if the girls got together

but do you have any details regarding how to contact them? where they live?

Yes, definitely tell them soon because finding out from their half sister risks your kids being angry with you and you’ve not done anything wrong. Some teens would interpret what has happened as you lying to them when you were rightly waiting for their dad to take responsibility for his actions.

@DearGoldFish I certainly won't frame it negatively. I want as little negative impact on their relationship with their father as possible.

I wouldn't mention it until we you have assurance that he is willing for them to meet and will allow them to go out together as sisters. If you tell them and he refuses to share information or consider meeting,it will cause upset.

ok so

a) this woman will need to be present if they get together. Are you ok with that?

b) do you have any contact details whatsoever? otherwise you’ll be telling them something but then presenting them with a dead end as to how to progress

So the Op has to be the accommodating one? What about the ex who's never been involved?

I think the Op has been incredibly generous even slightly worrying about the half sister and her mother in this.

the OP doesn’t have to do a blooming thing

but she can’t FORCE her ex to do a blooming thing either

@DearGoldFish I'm assuming so. I would certainly want to be present if they met at this age. Like I said, I would communicate for the sake of our daughters, but I wouldn't be friends. I'm not friends with my ex-husband, we coparent.

He has never met their half-sister (his daughter), so I don't know what her mum's intentions are. Do I reach out to her first?

Im surprised they dont already know, how come you didnt talk through through this when they were little. Daddy has another daughter and that makes her your sister (never understand why people have to say 'half')

You could have drawn a family tree for them.

They need to know asap, very diffcult as they are now in their teen years.

so you have contact details?

This is poor advice, they will find out at some point and wonder why their mother never told them.

Lots of siblings dont meet up, but thats for father and the sister's mother to support with if they do, OP cant control tht bit but she can control what information her daughters have

@movingonok The last 11 years have been incredibly difficult. I've put on a smile, raised my daughters and have tried to coparent as best I can. It seems I've not done my best though by not telling them sooner.

@DearGoldFish I'm not forcing anyone to do anything. I'm trying to get ahead of this now, before it comes from another direction.

@soupfiend I feel your advice is great advice. I can't control anything outside of the information my daughters have.

You haven't messed up. It's their father's job to sort this out not yours.

i was not responding you

so… you have contact details?

this is a real tricky one op to know what to do for the best this is a little outing if anyone I know is on here but feck it, my bio dad sat me down at 18 told me I had a half brother that he had never told me about, I naturally didnt react well to being lied to my whole life and it didnt end well( for me anyway it worked out for my dad in the end cos he now has a relationship with his son where as I don't ) turns out lots of wider family knew including my wonderful mum and step dad when I asked them why they didn't tell me they said it wasn't their place to tell me. I think if there is any chance of them finding out on their own then you need to tell them as it would be far better coming from you then a stranger but tread with caution as it's going to be a shock and they are going to have a lot of questions and prob feel hurt that you haven't told them before now. as you can imagine I have a lot of resentment over the whole thing even now as a 37 year old woman. you sound like a great mum who will do what is best for her daughters they are Lucky to have you. all the best. x

@soupfiend I really don't know why I didn't tell them sooner. I should have told them sooner. My eldest was upset by our divorce and I suppose I didn't want to upset her further? She was a complete daddy's girl. I fear I've messed up.

How would that work? If they are told and they want to meet but the father still doesn't want to meet the kid isn't that going to cause this child more pain? I wouldn't say anything and leave it to your ex to sort out. Or wait till your youngest is 18 and then tell them and they are old enough to facilitate contact without their father's involvement.

@DearGoldFish Not as such. Just via social media.