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Original poster

THE ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO!!!

398 replies

imverynosey · 10/09/2024 15:25

Soooo angry right now. AIBU?
I asked my partner to watch our 2 month old whilst I went for afternoon tea (first time I'd ever left them alone properly)

I specifically said PLEASE DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH HER ON YOU OR NEXT TO YOU ON THE SOFA. He knows how anxious I am about SIDS, he's heard the horror stories. He knows babies have died this way. All day I had a dreadful anxiety that he would do it and woe betide I come in and they are asleep next to each other on the sofa!!! I'm so angry my wishes have yet again being DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED !!!!!

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SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 10/09/2024 18:56

Most likely he doesn't believe the baby was in danger, and therefore may do this again when you are out of the house. You eventually got an apology out of him, but is that enough? Is a promise to be more careful in future enough if he doesn't genuinely share your anxiety and is short of sleep so liable to doze off? If he thinks you are being controlling and bossy rather than responsible, this is going to be really hard to negotiate. Perhaps he would listen to another parent he respects, or advice from an expert?

MeridianB · 10/09/2024 18:56

You sound lovely, OP. Sorry this has happened. I don't think you're over-reacting.

And I'm afraid I agree with the PPs saying it was his way of asserting his authority as he did the one thing you asked him not to. It's not a coincidence. Flowers

Theredjellybean · 10/09/2024 19:01

Your DP...has done a great number on you... absolutely gold star in "learned incompetence".
He is not a baby sitter (as referred to by someone up thread)...he is her parent.
When you are calmer can you try a conversation with him, explaining his actions made you worried, but you are both parents and responsible for your DD.
Do not stop him doing anything with her because he'll happily step right back...and you'll end up resentful and exhausted.
For safety and your sanity maybe get him doing stuff that doesn't have such risks.
Maybe an agreement he takes her out on pram for walk every sat morning so you get a break ?? And build in more
But whatever you do do not just let him opt out of parenting

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GiddyRobin · 10/09/2024 19:05

Theredjellybean · 10/09/2024 19:01

Your DP...has done a great number on you... absolutely gold star in "learned incompetence".
He is not a baby sitter (as referred to by someone up thread)...he is her parent.
When you are calmer can you try a conversation with him, explaining his actions made you worried, but you are both parents and responsible for your DD.
Do not stop him doing anything with her because he'll happily step right back...and you'll end up resentful and exhausted.
For safety and your sanity maybe get him doing stuff that doesn't have such risks.
Maybe an agreement he takes her out on pram for walk every sat morning so you get a break ?? And build in more
But whatever you do do not just let him opt out of parenting

I'm not sure I'd trust him alone with a baby, full stop. Even on a pram walk.

But you make a really good point - if OP stays, I'd definitely have him doing other stuff. Nappies. Preparation of food when the time comes. Down on the floor playing. He can go shopping, do laundry, bring OP food and drinks while she's breastfeeding. OP is up with baby in the night? So is he. He can change the nappy if needed or burp her.

It's his child, don't give him an easy ride.

DeCaray · 10/09/2024 19:09

Is he 87 and from a generation where we kept babies in drawers etc and didn't see the harm? Maybe he gave her a tot of rum to help her sleep! Check for dust in case he's had her up the chimney giving it a clean!

Sorry but he sounds absolutely useless and the your upset doesn't appear to be just from this but from repeated slackness and arrogance on his part.

I doubt it will get better so probably best to start organising your divorce .

AgileGreenSeal · 10/09/2024 19:19

GiddyRobin · 10/09/2024 18:38

This. This is why I'd not have been able to leave, at least not immediately if my DH had done this.

Play the long game, even if it's utterly exhausting and you can't stand to look at the fucker. He sounds so childish that he might well not even go after night visits, and I believe breastfeeding mothers are protected so you might not have overnight stays...but who knows. There's still naps. It's just not worth the risk.

Terrible situation the bastard has put you in.

Edited
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A family member was breastfeeding.
And her ex demanded the wee one for overnight contact.
She came under horrendous pressure from his legal team to give her baby a bottle (either expressed or formula). She had to show willing or risk being accused of being “hostile to contact” (the ex had a history of domestic abuse against the mum.)
Thankfully the baby refused the bottle so no overnights were in the contact order until breastfeeding ended. He got overnight contact at age 2.

BirthdayRainbow · 10/09/2024 19:25

ToBeDetermined · 10/09/2024 17:09

It could have, but it didn’t. I don’t know any parents who haven’t made mistakes. There’s the mum who didn’t know her 1yr old had figured out how to undo his car seat straps until after she’d driven for an hour on the motorway. There’s the dad who accidentally didn’t latch a baby gate fully and so baby pulled herself up and it swung open and she rolled down the stairs like a bowling ball - her final fall onto a tile floor broken by the fact the dog was sleeping there and broke her fall. The mum whose umbrella snapped inside out in the wind and in the moment of letting go of her toddlers hand to grapple the umbrella meant he’d run into the road and was almost hit by a car. The dad holding his toddlers hand and the child slips and falls and he pulls to stop him falling on his face and accidentally dislocates the kids shoulder. The grandmother letting a 8mo old have one green pea and then having to do the choke manoeuvre. The mum taking her eyes off her child for one second who decides the next thing to stick in his mouth and chew on is a charging wire….

Mistakes that could cost their life do happen. It’s important to recognise a lucky escape and not be too harsh on yourself or partner. So long as he realises the gravity of his mistake and takes steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again, this isn’t the end of the relationship.

Show quote history

Nonsense. Some of those were literally unexpected accidents. The whole world should know sleeping with a baby in the sofa is life threatening.

GiddyRobin · 10/09/2024 19:27

AgileGreenSeal · 10/09/2024 19:19

A family member was breastfeeding.
And her ex demanded the wee one for overnight contact.
She came under horrendous pressure from his legal team to give her baby a bottle (either expressed or formula). She had to show willing or risk being accused of being “hostile to contact” (the ex had a history of domestic abuse against the mum.)
Thankfully the baby refused the bottle so no overnights were in the contact order until breastfeeding ended. He got overnight contact at age 2.

Show quote history

That's just awful. Absolutely awful! I can't even imagine the pressure that poor woman must have been under. And the fact he got contact later on after everything. It's disgraceful.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/09/2024 19:28

BirthdayRainbow · 10/09/2024 19:25

Nonsense. Some of those were literally unexpected accidents. The whole world should know sleeping with a baby in the sofa is life threatening.

Show quote history

But the point I think is that nobody deliberately falls asleep on the sofa with a baby. Of course (I assume) everybody knows it’s dangerous, and of course nobody lies back on the sofa planning to take a nice long nap with baby, but when you are exhausted, run down, absolutely shattered, accidents happen. Nobody wants them do, nobody plans for them to, but accidents do happen.

BirthdayRainbow · 10/09/2024 19:36

ToBeDetermined · 10/09/2024 18:18

It is around 3.5 per year out of 100,000 live births die of ASSB.
If we are open to assessing the actual risk of what he did rather than assuming there was a 100% certainty the baby would have died.

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Don't be a knob. If your baby was one of the three you wouldn't care about statistics!

Propertyshmoperty · 10/09/2024 19:42

Mrsttcno1 · 10/09/2024 19:28

But the point I think is that nobody deliberately falls asleep on the sofa with a baby. Of course (I assume) everybody knows it’s dangerous, and of course nobody lies back on the sofa planning to take a nice long nap with baby, but when you are exhausted, run down, absolutely shattered, accidents happen. Nobody wants them do, nobody plans for them to, but accidents do happen.

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Yes but it sounds like he did it out of convenience, he didn't put her in the moses basket because she was crying so laid her down next to him so he could take a nap undisturbed, even though he'd been SPECIFICALLY WARNED. Sounds deliberate because he's a lazy twat who didn't want to do the bare minimum of safe sole parenting and wanted to sleep through his duty and even though he knew there was a danger he thought it was worth the risk.

OP also sounds like she's facilitated several pub trips and he couldn't be arsed to safely look after his daughter for one afternoon in return.

I think its indefensible.

BirthdayRainbow · 10/09/2024 19:43

Mrsttcno1 · 10/09/2024 19:28

But the point I think is that nobody deliberately falls asleep on the sofa with a baby. Of course (I assume) everybody knows it’s dangerous, and of course nobody lies back on the sofa planning to take a nice long nap with baby, but when you are exhausted, run down, absolutely shattered, accidents happen. Nobody wants them do, nobody plans for them to, but accidents do happen.

Show quote history

But you know if you're tired or not. The slightest notion you might nod off then baby needs to be in their cot.

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 10/09/2024 19:54

Lose6pounds · 10/09/2024 16:58

This is an insane over reaction. A father's way of doings things is as valuable as a mother’s. You have no right to impose your ott anxiety about sids on either your husband or your baby.

Are you actually out of your fucking mind? This baby is 2 months old, not far beyond new born, and you think it's okay for a fully grown man, of what 12 stone? to sleep with her on the sofa???

This isn't about mothers v fathers you fool, this is about how incredibly dangerous it is to sleep with a baby on the sofa, the risk of suffocation and SIDS increases dramatically.

I hope to god you're not ever responsible for babies.

DodoTired · 10/09/2024 19:54

What a dick

DoYouReally · 10/09/2024 19:56

It sounds like he has a hell of a lot maturing to do.

It's incredibly dangerous.

I can fully accept it wasn't intentional but that makes limited difference in a situation like this.

It's one thing for it to happen but his dismissive reason seems to indicate that he just doesn't get it.

It would take a hell of a lot, significant change in attitudes change, before I would ever leave the baby alone with him again.

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 10/09/2024 20:04

And sorry OP... why the fuck did he need a nap if you were only gone for a few hours?

He couldn't stay awake for a few hours, and had to have a nap on the sofa, with the tiny baby, when you'd specifically asked him not to do this one thing?

What the fuck is wrong with him?

This is such a shit situation because if it were me, I'd struggle to now leave my baby with him, something you should be able to do to ensure you're getting breaks and minding yourself. What a fucking arsehole.

endofthelinefinally · 10/09/2024 20:04

Ring your health visitor and ask them to speak to your husband about the dangers of sleeping with the baby on the sofa. Explain that he has ignored you and done it.

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 10/09/2024 20:07

endofthelinefinally · 10/09/2024 20:04

Ring your health visitor and ask them to speak to your husband about the dangers of sleeping with the baby on the sofa. Explain that he has ignored you and done it.

If you like your HV this could be a good idea. Shane the fucker into not risking his own child's life.

I'd be speaking to his mother as well and hopefully she'll shame him some more.

Could you insist he goes on a full parenting course? Because he's obviously an incompetent arsehole?

endofthelinefinally · 10/09/2024 20:07

CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 10/09/2024 15:44

Don't get SIDS confused with suffocation.

He would have suffocated the baby through his negligence. That isn't SIDS.

The writing is on the wall here already it seems. You're the default parent and he's the inadequate babysitter. I've been in that dynamic and it doesn't work.

This.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 10/09/2024 20:10

That’s really bad.

What a useless wanker

ThatsNotMyTeen · 10/09/2024 20:14

Aliceisagooddog · 10/09/2024 16:06

Umm... I think you are all overreacting.

Umm, no we aren’t.

I am the most lax parent on the planet but this is INCREDIBLY dangerous

biscuitandcake · 10/09/2024 20:16

Lose6pounds · 10/09/2024 16:58

This is an insane over reaction. A father's way of doings things is as valuable as a mother’s. You have no right to impose your ott anxiety about sids on either your husband or your baby.

Sometimes I think mothers are too OTT. But, this isn't a "fathers" way of doing things V mothers. It is really dangerous to sleep on a sofa with a small baby. It isn't the same as dad dressing them in a onesie without a vest because he thinks its too hot.
If you do need to co-sleep and the baby won't settle, actually alongside each other on a bed without a blanket is much much safer. But she is not OTT not wanting her husband to do something health visitors repeatedly say you should NOT do.

biscuitandcake · 10/09/2024 20:19

I do think in the OPs shoes I would move on, if he was genuinely and clearly aware that he had fucked up. People do make mistakes. The blase attitude would rile me. If he still genuinely didnt see it, you could ask him to discuss it with his mum/someone else. So he knew it wasn't just you being weird.

ZenNudist · 10/09/2024 20:49

I think you are getting yourself wound up and this thread isn't helping. You are both going to make mistakes that "but for the grace of god" could, with a very small probability and in certain unfortunate rare circumstances, be fatal for your child. It's fine to tell him off but you're being OTT .

It would be great if he was the kind of man who said "you're right, I'm sorry, I feel awful" but as you are have flown into such a rage I'm going to guess this is not the first time you have been so dramatic in your reactions. His response fits how you are with him. You rage crazily, he is belligerent and defensive.

It might be an idea to seek therapy as an individual and a couple. A new baby is hard on relationships and being divorced is bad for a child, especially as baby will still spend time with dad and so you still have to learn to coparent safely and peacefully.