THE ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO!!!

[imverynosey]

Soooo angry right now. AIBU?
I asked my partner to watch our 2 month old whilst I went for afternoon tea (first time I'd ever left them alone properly)

I specifically said PLEASE DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH HER ON YOU OR NEXT TO YOU ON THE SOFA. He knows how anxious I am about SIDS, he's heard the horror stories. He knows babies have died this way. All day I had a dreadful anxiety that he would do it and woe betide I come in and they are asleep next to each other on the sofa!!! I'm so angry my wishes have yet again being DISRESPECTED AND IGNORED !!!!!

He has insured that you should never ever leave him with thr baby again.

I would text him exactly what he did, despite you telling him how dangerous it was to do, and asking him to take care NOT to do this. Text him that you want him to go stay with his mother.
You need proof of what occurred and that you asked him to leave after he deliberately put the baby at risk.

I agree it is very dark.
I think you should be very wary of a man who would deliberately put a baby at risk.

I doubt your relationship will last.
Don't put him on the birth cert of give her his name.

You need to prepare yourself to do this alone.
Your baby will be safer.

Oh and tell everyone that is why you broke up.
He deliberately risked the babies life.
What an utter tool.

It is exactly the sort of thing dangerous abusive men do.

Not OTT

yes mistakes happen when you’re exhausted but this wasn’t a sleep deprived mum who has ended up cosleeping on the sofa by accident. It sounds like he ignored his partner when she tried to educate him about safe sleep, then he put his feet up and closed his eyes on purpose.

He does but no he was off last night x

In Scotland alone, 19 babies died just last year from suffocation due to poor co sleeping.

19 babies suffocated to death In one country and you want to call it hysteria?

They stopped giving that advise BECAUSE babies died, not for the fucking fun of it but because babies DIED

Start planning your exit from him. You and your baby deserve so much better.

Yes, and I'm asking how many in response to the statement that he very nearly killed the baby. He clearly didn't nearly kill the baby, he did something that is statistically more likely to result in death than not doing it but what exactly are those statistics. 1 in 2 babies die, 1 in 50, 1 in 100, 1 in 1000, 1 in 10,000 and set that against the numbers for those who die anyway. It makes a huge difference and there is a disproportionate amount of fear because most people and also most nurses and health visitors DO NOT understand statistics.

I wish I hadn’t been, even as an older child - was taken out to a social club by my dad as a preteen once, and ended up being used as a living martial arts training dummy by older kids - was trying to get away from them, but he didn’t come and help me.
He also refused to use the handlebar to hold himself upright (I had asked him to at least try) when we were on a fairground ride together when I was around the same age. Went home feeling like I had bruised ribs from him flopping over onto me.

Yes statistics have shown since that those actions can be dangerous. Thanks to scientists and the likes of lullaby trus/researchers/boffins, we have them to thank for a fall in sids rates/accidental avoidable death rates.

That's sad :(

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Perfectly acceptable to have a nap with a young baby, I did it daily

I agree. He made a mistake, through being exhausted. It happens. He has shown remorse, apologised and promised it wont happen again.

Correct that next step is better strategy, because intentions alone aren’t usually enough

I did this with my first baby out of desperation. She had awful reflux and would only sleep upright. I was a complete mess and I’d set my alarm for every 10 mins to check on her and I’d doze inbetween that time, it was the worst time in my life and I regret it so much looking back but I felt so helpless.

im sorry he didn’t listen to you. Thank god your babies okay

@RosesAndHellebores

Statistics don't mean much when it comes to keeping your baby safe. Nobody needs to fall asleep on the sofa with their baby, you. Can't actively choose not to do it.

Totally agree, anybody who can get through a day with a 2 month old baby without a nap must have an incredibly well sleeper of a child! My baby is 5 months old now, still doesn’t sleep great, and if I hadn’t managed a few hours sleep during the day when she was 2 months old she’d have been at far greater risk than just SIDS- I’d have been so exhausted I could easily have tripped over the table leg, fell up or down the stairs, fallen asleep at the wheel driving to my hospital appointment… I was so tired when she was 2 months old that I packed the car up after a trip to Asda and left my pram in the car park, didn’t even realise until I got home. Exhausted parents in charge of tiny babies are also a danger.

Currently having mummy snuggles and never want to leave her side again lol. I will ask him if he could ask his mum to have her next time !!!

Thank you for being such a supportive community , it did shake me up x

It's not about needing a nap, of course we all need naps. But put baby in crib and don't be lazy! Settle them first in a safe space, then you can sleep. We cannot afford to risk our babies life's. We can't go to sainsburies and buy a new one! Once they are gone they are gone and I could never forgive myself

Really? I'm sure the OP has given birth, then gone online dating during nap times, found a new partner and entrusted him to babysit in her home!

So could it be that the combination of a messed up body clock from shift working (which takes is toll even on your off days) and a new baby led to this mistake?

I get that you are angry and anxious, but do you really and truly believe his intent was to ignore your wishes and cause potential harm to your child?

If the answer to the above is yes, then I’d question why you chose to have a child with him.

We often focus on the mum and baby, whilst forgetting that the fathers also go through a lot when a child is born, maybe he is struggling with it all hence the apparent lack of concern for your dizziness - who is checking in to make sure he is coping?

Could his failure to agree what he did was wrong come from embarrassment?

He could be an absolute arsehole who would risk your child’s life intentionally, but he could just be struggling and not admitting it.

We know it's not about naps, we were replying to the person who said your DP must be on drugs to need one! You are not being unreasonable op

Come on OP, you must know that sometimes babies just don’t settle - especially if they are used to mum.

Oh he's coping just fine. He's been out to the pub on several occasions and come home "merry" let's say and in an arrogant mood. He knows full well I'm at home, looking after her and looking after well because I love her and worry for her so much. He's coping, he's just a lazy man child

Tell him to always put the baby in their cot or basket if he wants a sleep. He’s behaved really irresponsibly.

It is around 3.5 per year out of 100,000 live births die of ASSB.
If we are open to assessing the actual risk of what he did rather than assuming there was a 100% certainty the baby would have died.

Precisely, so if the statistics make you feel he has done something unforgivable and nearly killed the baby, what are the statistics as you have done all your research?

Well your relationship is over OP. You have thrown him out, so now is the time to start thinking sensibly and not emotionally.

Is your employment secure? And is his?
Is your home owned/rented? How will that work out post split?
He will probably seek some contact. And while he has behaved irresponsibly he needs to learn how to be a parent.
You’re not married so that is one less thing to sort but you may need legal advice further down the line.