Nasty comment from friend about my 2yo starting nursery

[Stephanieava]

So my 2yo (2y1m) went for their first taster session at nursery this morning. Was only there for 1 hour

He got there and walked in with such confidence, was happy to go straight up to a table full of other children playing and get stuck in. Also spoke to the nursery teachers straight away. I was SO so proud of him (although i was in bits!)

He’s a very confident little boy, has been at home with me for the past 2 years. I’ve always socialised him very well, we’re around other adults and go to at least one baby / play group every day of the week so he has seen and been used to been around other children

I was speaking to my friend about it and she said ‘oh my god i can’t believe he wasn’t sad leaving you! My little girl wouldn’t let me walk out the door, she loves me too much, our bond is just so strong’

She basically insinuated that her bond with her daughter is stronger than that of me and my son. I was blown away and just made an excuse to leave.

I’ve overthought it since then (im pregnant & very emotional!) and the more ive spoken to others, it seems like their children were upset leaving them too. Now i’m sat here wallowing thinking i’ve done something wrong, how silly! Not that i would want him to be upset, but you know what i mean

That woman is no friend of yours tbh.

All kids are different.

It's different for me as mine started at babies but they were still very different. DC1 started at 8.5 months and cried quite a lot to start with and took a good few weeks to fully settle. DC2 started at 10.5 months and no tears whatsoever and wasn't remotely arsed that I wasn't there! They have always been very different personalities.

Sounds like he has secure attachment and knows that you will always come back for him 😊

Your re clearly a wonderful parent with a well adjusted little boy. Well done and don’t let anybody put you down. The main job of a parent is to bring up independent adults.

Many many research studies. Google Ainsworth & Bowlby attachment theories. It also spills over into adult attachment issues when basic needs haven’t been met in infancy and childhood.

but siblings are never raised the same way as much as you try to be equal, for the simple fact you now have a 2nd or 3rd baby. I was devoted to my 1st, bottles ready for when she woke, nappies ready for a change, my 2nd came along and his feedings were interrupted because my eldest needed a poo or was exploring where she shouldn’t be and was at risk of injuring herself. Then not to mention when my 3rd came along. She was premature by 10.5 weeks so I spent 7 almost 8 weeks in hospital with her away from my children, no 2 was only 2. So I can honestly say none of my children were raised exactly the same. Out of the three my youngest is the most confident and secure followed by my eldest and then my middle child. I understand completely why.

Yes but exactly - basic needs. That's not what we're discussing here. Any child in a loving family will have their basic needs and more met.

OMG raising a confident happy 2yo who’s able to fearlessly walk into new situations means so much psychologically and neurologically!

@Stephanieava shes jealous bless her, ignore x

Also @Stephanieava you might want to generally be prepared with comebacks .. “I am raising a strong little man etx “ 😉

nothing will face you if you’re confident into what you re doing as a parent (and also if you say the last word 😉 )

My ds went for his "settling in session".

Walked in and didn't even look back 😂😂😂

He's 20 now and we are still as close as anything. Like you say - they are just socialised and secure.

He sounds great.

Ignore your "friend".

Really? I know many children who have been raised in a loving family and haven’t been shown love encouragement and security. It’s not just about basic needs.

I’m not going to write an essay similar to the ones in my psychology degree but if you want to know more google attachment theory. It is actually much deeper than just basic needs and this little boy has shown that he feels secure in his attachment to his mother that he knows she will return. So he has the confidence to explore new things without needing her with him.

It’s BECAUSE he’s feeling safe and secure that he’s happy to go to nursery. Your friend seems to want a clingy unconfident child.

Yes but again, the shy clingy kids of SAHMs (three in my DC's class with the most loving and devoted mothers imaginable) are not struggling to settle because they have a weak attachment to their mothers. Quite the opposite! No child from a loving family has attachment issues.

That's why we need to be careful when talking about attachment - outside of neglect, it's unlikely to be an issue.

ETA and any time I have googled attachment and scanned academic texts, that's the context - the damage done by neglect. Not different flavours of parenting in loving families.

It’s thexopposite. Kids willing to leave their primary caregivers have stronger more secure attachments.

Sahms who aren’t wealthy often emotionally neglect or ignore kids to do other stuff. It’s why all the research says professional childcare is of more benefit to poor / middle class sahm mums.

Not at all! It’s a great sign. Just say something back next time like I’m so glad mine is confident with lots of people. Petty but I would. Also, not to put a dampener on things but there can be a delayed reaction once they realise they are being regularly left. It’s a gift yours is happy.

What a silly comment your friend made. Your child was happy and felt at home there.It was the first day so get ready for some difficult days.

This
i too am jealous

It’s a credit to your parenting that your little one got stuck in without tears and being peeled off your leg. Be proud of a job well done. The comments from your friend were unkind and un necessary .

She's jealous. End of. Remember what other people think of you is none of your business :)

My mother had me at home with her until I was three. As an only child she had the same attachment concerns but said when she took me to nursery for the first day she said she was shocked. She said I ran over to the toys and other children, totally ignoring her. She said one of the staff smiled and said to her "I think its safe to say you can leave !" When she said bye, she said I shouted bye back but didn't turn around. I still have fond memories of nursery and always ran in leaving her at the door. My son was the same (except at an inadequate nursery..long story) and I was sure he would miss me too much but I was wrong. Staff told me that the fact he is happy to leave me, knowing I'll come back means we have a strong attachment. Your friend could have just said something without realising it hurt you or just be jealous because she's stuck with a clingey child, which must be stressful. Enjoy the break and watch how much quicker he develops and learns new things at Nursery! X

Well done OP's son! He was just being a big brave boy, bless him 🩵

My DD didn't give me so much as a backwards glance! However she bloody did when she got older....! 🙄☺️

Your friend is thoughtless at best and nasty at worst.

Quite the opposite. You’ve given your son enough security and strength that he’s confident to go off alone and know you’ll be there afterwards. Well done.

Parents who think their child shouldn’t / couldn’t be separated from them even for their own benefit (eg socialising at nursery) want to give their heads a wobble. Being physically attached to your children at all times isn’t healthy for either of them.

What she means is “I don’t want to send my child to nursery but I want to gaslight you into thinking you’re doing it wrong”.

It’s not just men / partners who gaslight. Many many people who want their choices / weaknesses / issues to be overlooked do it and this is a prime example.

Absolute rubbish! You obviously haven’t googled correctly. I hate ramming a psychology degree to the point I am now but I haven’t spent the last 5 years knowing nothing. Attachment isn’t about the negative attachment. On the front families might appear perfect but take it from me they’re not. What you see is probably not the truth.

I think it's great your little boy is so confident OP and think your friend sounds horrible.

I do kind of buy into attachment theory in a general sense - that being there for your child will result in a healthy attachment by adulthood. I recognise attachment styles in a broad sense.

I'm not a fan of such crude tests such as walking away from trees or how they deal with nursery because there's no thought given to individual personality differences or the fact some children take longer than others to develop. And yes I have a psychology degree too.

As mentioned, siblings and even twins react differently and children are different at different stages.

Honestly I was so smug having DS that I knew how to make him confident and happy and sure of me. I was so attentive, never left him to cry, even if I couldn't help I'd make sure I was there with him and that he knew it. From day one, I gave him so much attention, introduced him to new things. He went/goes to baby/toddler groups almost every day. Days out. Family time. Lots of new experiences. At one point, in my madness, I'm pretty sure I was looking at one of those puppy socialisation lists for ideas I hand thought of.

From being tiny he's been a cautious and shy child. He's improved a lot with confidence over the last year but despite daily baby groups he is still nervous of new people. He's always been extremely sensitive to noise and startled easily.

Him wandering off to put a toy away alone or approaching a new adult to show them his dinosaur is such big progress that I could burst with pride to see how far he's come.

He's almost 2 and know if he were to go to nursery he wouldn't be confident and happy to be left. I don't think it's because our bond is insecure or that he doesn't trust me or anything else.

I've literally raised him with attachment theory at the forefront of my mind and obviously people here can argue I've done something wrong - I indeed do lots of things wrong - but from my own experience I'm landing much more on the side of personality.

I'm pretty sure he is ND for a start. His dad and I both are. My hope is that in the next year he continues gaining confidence like he has been. I do not think that him being shy at almost 2 is a sign we don't have a healthy bond. He's a happy child who for his age is very aware of his emotions, has excellent communication skills and certain social skills such as sharing are good.

Isn't a good rule of parenting not to blame yourself too much nor congratulate yourself too much either? There are other theories too like "good enough" parenting.

OPs friend was being cruel and I disagree with her. I think OPs child sounds wonderful and sounds like they have a great bond. But I don't think all children who cry at nursery have insecure attachments either.