Nasty comment from friend about my 2yo starting nursery

[Stephanieava]

So my 2yo (2y1m) went for their first taster session at nursery this morning. Was only there for 1 hour

He got there and walked in with such confidence, was happy to go straight up to a table full of other children playing and get stuck in. Also spoke to the nursery teachers straight away. I was SO so proud of him (although i was in bits!)

He’s a very confident little boy, has been at home with me for the past 2 years. I’ve always socialised him very well, we’re around other adults and go to at least one baby / play group every day of the week so he has seen and been used to been around other children

I was speaking to my friend about it and she said ‘oh my god i can’t believe he wasn’t sad leaving you! My little girl wouldn’t let me walk out the door, she loves me too much, our bond is just so strong’

She basically insinuated that her bond with her daughter is stronger than that of me and my son. I was blown away and just made an excuse to leave.

I’ve overthought it since then (im pregnant & very emotional!) and the more ive spoken to others, it seems like their children were upset leaving them too. Now i’m sat here wallowing thinking i’ve done something wrong, how silly! Not that i would want him to be upset, but you know what i mean

he has seen and been used to been around other children
He's seen other children and been used to being around other children because you have done all the right stuff with him. Just take no notice of your friend's comment, I don't think it was nasty, just reflection on her and a bit silly.

I usually find that when people make comments like this, they’re projecting some insecurity they have onto you. She may be a bit envious that your little one is so confidence where her kids are a bit more clingy perhaps?

Agree. OP - well done for raising a happy confident little boy

As the mother of a confident little boy like yours, your friend is talking rubbish!

I'm still his favourite person in the world, but he has a great time at nursery and there are no tears or anything!

Saying her child would be incredibly upset isn’t the flex she thinks it is, from experience I’d take a confident child who couldn’t care less if I left than an anxious child as she describes, that situation can be utterly heartbreaking.

There are two types of unhealthy attachments,
the analogy used is to imagine you are sitting under a tree with your child and they start to wander off.
unhealthy attachment 1- is if they take a few steps and then get stressed so go back to you or they don’t leave at all.
unhealthy attachment 2- they walk off no bother at all and don’t look back at you.

a normal attachment is one where they walk off and look back at you a few times for reassurance etc.

thats how it was explained to me @Stephanieava make of it what you want. You can probably identify from there which it is for you and your DS.

I would say to her that actually the nursery said that when you have a strong secure attachment children have more confidence to walk into a nursery and play because they know that mum will be back. I hope you can get to this point with your child.

Of my 3 children only one looked back! The eldest and youngest couldn't wait to go - we all have a brilliant bond. Your friend was unkind and you've raised a happy confident boy - well done.

I made a big deal of telling my LO I wouldn’t leave until they felt happy, to which they immediately replied ‘Mummy go’ and had the best time ever 😂. No tears or glances back! I feel for the parents who have kids who cry every drop off despite them obviously enjoying it once they’ve calmed down.

I think friend misspoke and it was more about reassuring herself than bringing you down. You’re doing great! She might also just not want to put DC in nursery yet but be getting pressure to and while DC would be fine, she’s looking for excuses to delay.

My 2yo wasn't upset either! Just wandered in, and waved goodbye!

Some people like to be needed like that by their children, they think it's evidence of their love. I don't need evidence and I want my children to be happy with me and without me.

That was nasty of her. I agree with PP’s that your son obviously feels so safe and secure with you that he doesn’t even have to question it, he knows you’ll be back and he’ll always be going home at the end of the day. It’s a testament to your parenting that he’s confident, eager to explore new things and make friends!

Your friend is an absolute idiot. I would be proud as punch that I’d brought them up to be independent and confident.

One of my children went into nursery extremely happy and confident, barely a goodbye. The other one went in sobbing and screaming for months, same when he started school. His teacher had to physically pry him off me. I know which scenario I’d rather if I had to do it all over again.

Your friend sounds insecure. I had a friend like this. She struggled a lot, but everything was always little digs at what everyone else was doing. It’s because inside she wasn’t very happy with herself. It sounds like you had a really good settling in session. Don’t worry the tears and the clinging to your legs will come. But it’s great he’s doing so well.

I was going to say this. Surely your little boy's reaction means that he is utterly confident that you will be back and he can go and do his thing without worrying.

I get this and I don't even have kids.

Be pleased! I had 7 months of tears despite him loving it 🤣

What a bitchy thing to say! My nearly 2 year old has just started nursery and she was the exact same, just trotted off and waved bye to me on her first day 🤣 and didn't want to leave when I picked her up 🤣 Not had one single tear since she started. She loves going and is a happy and confident little girl. We should both be proud of the little people we're raising!

If he's happy to go off and mix then he feels secure, confident and happy. Our little boy was the same when he started at 1 year old. He hit a blip at around 18 months when he moved rooms and has a lot of changes do key person. But he settled down and happily goes off to play. They can change how they are at different points and it's not very nice of her to insinuate only a child who is kicking off and crying is securely attached. You know your little boy best xx

Ignore her OP! It’s great your son is so confident! My son walked in to nursery and school without so much as a backward glance and we are very close. When he was 10 he went away with school for a few days and absolutely balled his eyes out, I was so shocked and it was so much harder for me because he was upset! You’ve obviously raised a confident, content and secure little boy be very proud

Honestly, I don't think your friend did anything wrong, she was just stating the fact that her child reacted differently. I think you're being over-sensitive. Just to note that it can change, DS may well go through a clingly/not wanting to leave you period and friends DD will probably have days when she goes into nursery without looking back.

She was just being a horrible person.
It does not reflect badly on you at all.

Congratulations on your second pregnancy op!

Sorry to say this but you will need to grow a bit of a harder shell around you now your lo is starting nursery. Mothers really can’t win. Damned if your child walks in confidently, and damned if they don’t!

Do not take any comments like this personally or with any seriousness at all. You do you!
And leave other people to their own devices.

Best way to tackle this sort of tactless comment is there and then; confidently and calmly:

Hard core response: (Innocently) “Are you saying that my bond with my ds is not as good as the bond you have with your dd?”

Medium core: “I felt it was important that my little boy was well socialised and prepared for this moment”

Light response: “As I said, I’m glad he feels so secure in himself” or “children develop different strengths at different times” .

To be fair though op, maybe she misinterpreted your comment and thought you were boasting about your superior parenting skills and felt a bit insecure about her dd’s clinginess. You never know!

Don’t give it another thought though as comments like this come thick
and fast! Just know that everyone worries about their dc, no matter what, and no one has all the answers! The moment you feel the slightest bit smug about one aspect of their development, something else will crop up that will make you uncertain again!

It’s great that your little boy was unfazed by this big transition in his life! Enjoy!

What all the PP said about your friend being unkind, projecting etc., but is it possible you laid it on a little thick about how confident he was? She possibly felt a bit slighted by you and jumped to 'attack is the best form of defence'. Perhaps she had to start her child at nursery earlier than she was happy with and was feeling sensitive about that in the context of you having been able to wait until 2 (no aspersions on either of those routes, have done both myself). It might have been better to just say 'oh yes, went fine, he seemed to enjoy himself' and not go into detail about his confidence/engagement.
That said, of course you haven't done anything wrong with him. Children are their own people and very often, the way they respond to things is more about their personalities than anything their parents have or haven't done. Not giving oneself undue credit or undue blame is an underestimated core skill of parenting.

You'll probably find he will cry for a couple of weeks anyway once it starts up properly. And you'll find it so hard! But love the hugs and they way he'll run back to you when you pick him up.

A taster session is novel and all the toys distract them, but once he realises you'll be gone for a significant time, it will be harder... for you both! And then get better.

Bloody hell, what a shit thing to say.

Be proud that your little boy is confident and happy to socialise. Ignore your 'friend'.