Nasty comment from friend about my 2yo starting nursery

[Stephanieava]

So my 2yo (2y1m) went for their first taster session at nursery this morning. Was only there for 1 hour

He got there and walked in with such confidence, was happy to go straight up to a table full of other children playing and get stuck in. Also spoke to the nursery teachers straight away. I was SO so proud of him (although i was in bits!)

He’s a very confident little boy, has been at home with me for the past 2 years. I’ve always socialised him very well, we’re around other adults and go to at least one baby / play group every day of the week so he has seen and been used to been around other children

I was speaking to my friend about it and she said ‘oh my god i can’t believe he wasn’t sad leaving you! My little girl wouldn’t let me walk out the door, she loves me too much, our bond is just so strong’

She basically insinuated that her bond with her daughter is stronger than that of me and my son. I was blown away and just made an excuse to leave.

I’ve overthought it since then (im pregnant & very emotional!) and the more ive spoken to others, it seems like their children were upset leaving them too. Now i’m sat here wallowing thinking i’ve done something wrong, how silly! Not that i would want him to be upset, but you know what i mean

My first found drop offs upsetting. My second smiled as I handed him over. I’m convinced he saw his brother go several times a week and was relived to finally get to join in.

You have a secure attachment with your happy confident child. You should be very proud, don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. Congrats on your pregnancy!

Ignore her. All kids are different. It’s a good thing he is happy and confident, and he knows you will return. He will have such a great time socialising and learning.

If you were laying it on thick about how confident and amazing your DS is, she probably felt a bit inadequate that her DD isn't the same way. Hence the comment.

She is talking utter utter tripe
be proud of having a confident little chap
able to talk to other children and adults without needing to be peeled off you
you are an amazing mom

I studied child psychology including Bowlby's work on attachment. He said the most secure children are happier to leave their parents. Those who haven't formed a secure attachment are more anxious about separation.
I'm not saying his theory is always correct but your friend's ideas are nonsense!

My PFB child started nursery at 1 yr old and settled immediately. That was despite never having been left anywhere before, being breastfed and nearly always napping on me/with me. He slept independently for the first time at nursery on his first full day. I was astounded. When I thought about it, I realised that he was securely attached and not worried about me leaving and not returning. I was happy that I'd done a decent job of bringing him up to be secure.

Your friend was rude and judgemental, and her daughter could potentially be insecure in her attachment. Or just going through normal separation anxiety, or just having a bad day, or slightly unwell.

Definitely this 100%

I had the clingiest baby/toddler going - shy - watchful. She walked in very happy and excited first day pre-school at 3 and later different primary school at just 4.

I had a similar comments and just laughed it off - saying you have no idea how much work went into getting to that point - which was true - so much getting her use to place staff other kids all slowly built up with so much reassurance.

Has another mother say my kids were not outgoing and confident because I hadn't had them in nursery from 9 months like she had - laughed at that as well because their personalities are very like DH and mine.

They've grown up confident enough to try things and put themselves forward for things with odd wobbles but were never really likely to be loud and obviously very gregarious but have small groups of solid friends and will try new experiences and can do social talk.

Tbh this sounds like nonsense too. Different children have different personalities. Not every difference needs to be explained away by saying that one of them must be a failing mother.

Yep this is true.

DS was just really shit at transitions - he cried when I left him, but also cried when I picked him up! I shudder to think what your bitchy friend would make of that.

Secure attachment! Mine went in at 2 years and 2 months and was perfectly fine.

We still breastfed until she was 3 y 9 m and when ill she won't go to anyone else.

Yet she never cried going into nursery. Not once.

This - 100%. It's a sign of security, so ignore your friend's comments. Mine absolutely stormed into nursery without a backward glance at 2 1/2. He did go through a brief clingy period a year later after he'd seen a programme on TV about children starting 'big school' where a little boy was upset - it was almost as if he thought 'Oh, hang on - I'm supposed to be upset about this' and we had a week or so of tearful drop-offs that perfectly mimicked what he'd seen on TV, but then he forgot about it and was fine again.

I had a little boy who walked right in and now I have a little girl who cries every time. Nothing to do with bond and more to do with the child. Don't let anyone make you feel like a bad parent or you don't have a special bond. You do, he's just a confident little man.

I suspect your friend is, in some back handed way, trying to justify how she feels sending her child to nursery upset. Maybe she feels bad that her child is crying when she leaves her at nursery and has feelings of guilt around this (I'm not saying she should or shouldn't) and is justifying it by saying it's because their bond is so strong. But in doing so she has insinuated you and your DS don't have this strong bond. In fact I think you and your DS do have a strong bond and he feels secure enough in your relationship that you're coming back for him and doing what is best for him. Your friend shouldn't have phrased it as she did but I do think maybe in trying to make herself feel better she has caused upset to you.

I think it's all down to personality of the child. DD forgot I existed the moment she walked through the door. DS sobbed his little heart out for months.

She's got it completely wrong. Children with secure attachment to their caregivers are happy and confident when left as they know their caregiver will return.

You haven't done anything wrong.

I have two boys. My first wouldn't let me leave, cried, clung. He doesn't speak to strangers and never wanted to leave my side. He's sociable now and loves other kids now but even at 4, he's still telling me he prefers to stay with me during the day and asking not to go back to nursery.

My youngest is 19 months. And he is the complete opposite. Loves other people, loves other children, asks for strangers' hands to help him get up stairs or come down slides etc. he's starting nursery next month and I have no doubt he will run in and not look back...

I raised them the same ... Both cosleeping, breastfeeding, at home with me every day (ds1 until 2yrs2months, ds2 until next month so 20 months).

This.

Pls give her the benefit of doubt!

If you look up the psychology of it, you’ll see you’re friend is wrong and ignorant.

a child happy to go off into a new setting shows a secure attachment, which is exactly what you want.

don’t give it a second thought and know your boy is fine.

fyi my daughter started preschool at 3 and didn’t look back. She’s never once cried. She’s very happy and sociable

She was reassuring herself, not thinking about how her comments would effect you.

Her daughter clinging to her and her own reaction implies an insecure attachment. Your little boy seems much more confident in his relationship with you. So he feels safe to go explore and enjoy.

I would not say anything more to her. I would feel a bit sorry for her, and drop it.

My DD was like yours - eager to get stuck into any new situation. What was mortifying was that she used to burst into tears when she had to come home!

I used to worry that they'd think something was wrong with her homelife. She was just such a social little girl that she didn't want to leave the fun she was having. She stopped doing that by the time she started school though. And we have always been super close.

It's part personality, and part security in their bond with you.

DS went through a couple of thankfully brief phases of being upset to be left at nursery and in reception. It is a massive weight off you to know that you are leaving a happy child when you drop them off, I wouldn't wish those days of upset on anyone. He was a mummy's boy so very bonded to me and now as a young teen still v much my cuddly boy!

What a strange thing to say!

It's great that your kid is confident and independent. It has absolutely nothing to do with the 'strength of your bond', how ridiculous.

There are always some people who have to feel like they are more special than the person they are talking to.