Nasty comment from friend about my 2yo starting nursery

[Stephanieava]

So my 2yo (2y1m) went for their first taster session at nursery this morning. Was only there for 1 hour

He got there and walked in with such confidence, was happy to go straight up to a table full of other children playing and get stuck in. Also spoke to the nursery teachers straight away. I was SO so proud of him (although i was in bits!)

He’s a very confident little boy, has been at home with me for the past 2 years. I’ve always socialised him very well, we’re around other adults and go to at least one baby / play group every day of the week so he has seen and been used to been around other children

I was speaking to my friend about it and she said ‘oh my god i can’t believe he wasn’t sad leaving you! My little girl wouldn’t let me walk out the door, she loves me too much, our bond is just so strong’

She basically insinuated that her bond with her daughter is stronger than that of me and my son. I was blown away and just made an excuse to leave.

I’ve overthought it since then (im pregnant & very emotional!) and the more ive spoken to others, it seems like their children were upset leaving them too. Now i’m sat here wallowing thinking i’ve done something wrong, how silly! Not that i would want him to be upset, but you know what i mean

He's just a little extrovert that's all and I'm sure he loves you just as much 😊.

I have three sons, not a single one of them was ever upset with me leaving them.

Almost 13 year old spent yesterday evening snuggling on the sofa and one of the 15 year olds voluntarily hugs me all the time.

I had a friend who used to say shit like that. I laughed at her.

My son goes off to nursery happily too. My daughter not so. Much rather have the child who goes in without a fuss. Having raised two children the same (but have different personalities) it has nothing to do with your bond!!

Your child has a very secure attachment. Hers does not.

Ignore. I know it's unpleasant.

My friend said that she was very happy to have a girl meaning she could experience mother-daughter bond but I wouldn't understand it as my relationship with my mum is strained. I also have a daughter.

No clue why people can be so terrible.

That was a horrible thing to say to you. I have two children; the older one will be left anywhere with no fuss, the younger one hates parting with us. We are equally close to them it's just my oldest is very independent and confident and always has been. This has been wonderful for her as she can go to lots of activities and camps without knowing anyone there.

Hey all! Thank you for your replies

I have since phoned her to say that I didn’t like the way she said it, and she had the following to say….. ‘oh no i just meant it as in me & my daughter literally spend every day together so i think its been difficult for her to leave me. Whereas you’ve been quite sick in this pregnancy haven’t you. So you haven’t been doing as much or spending as much time with him as you normally would, so maybe he’s just gotten used to it? That’s all!’

LOL

I think it’s just her delivery that sucks tbh. She’s always been very direct and is definitely one of those who has been to Eleven-erife if you’ve been to Tenerife, but never particularly unkind.

I’m gonna have some space from her for a bit though. Pregnancy hormones are not in the place to deal with it right now!

For those asking if what I said to her could have been portrayed as bragging, i don’t believe so. She had her DC first session this week too so we met for a quick catch up. She asked me first how the drop off went so I said literally word for word “yeah fine i think. He just walked in and made a beeline for the cars bless him. The staff were nice and calm which I think put us both at ease”

Her - what?! He didn’t even cry?!
Me - no, but i was! (Chuckling)
Her - did he hug you or anything?
Me - no he didn’t actually, think he was just excited to get to the stack of cars!
Her - then said exactly what I said in the original comment

Anyhoooo, thanks for allowing me to rant guys. It’s been a day! Little man is now fast asleep and has another taster session booked for next week, fingers crossed he loves it just as much x

Oh lovely you've done amazing and created a really secure attachment. Don't confuse neediness and unsecure attachment of others that you've done something wrong! Be so so so proud. (Fyi nothing wrong if a child is emotional and has an insecure attachment either, just is what it is).
Also, my LM was like this, but a few weeks in when he suddenly realised how much time he was away from me and it wasn't just a playdate he started getting emotional, they go through little phases too.
Well done mumma you're doing something right!

OP, I haven’t read the whole thread so I might be repeating what others have said.

What you describe sounds like a very healthy attachment. There is plenty of research about this topic if you want to read up on it.

Your DS feels confident to explore the world and is sure that when he needs you, you will be there. Children who cry and attach themselves to their parent are fearful that said parent won’t be there. Sometimes that’s because they have not had any experience yet with a parent detaching and other times the parent creates an unhealthy dynamic with the child because they (the parent) wants to feel needed.

So I would say: good job!!!

And next time just say: ‘yeah, I’m very proud that he has such a healthy attachment to me. He feels safe to explore the world and knows I’m here for him’ 😁.

Not sure the update makes her sound any better tbh! Think it’s a good idea to give her some space.

As someone who’s children were both clingy and who’s DS cried every time I dropped him off, trust me I wish they had been more like your DS as it’s very stressful.

Actually, your child being confident to be away from you is actually a sign of them having a very strong attachment. This is according to attachment theory.

Competitive parenting! We see it all the time at school… there’s the children who say “‘bye “( if you’re lucky!!) and walk in and get on with it and there are those children whose parents spend ages hugging them and kissing them and saying “I love you, I’ll miss you!” ( very loudly) , then make them kiss all their siblings, wave and blow kisses , tap on the window , once they’re in the classroom…No wonder their children are anxious and clingy!!!!
Sounds like you have a well-adjusted child. If he’s happy to see you at the end of the day, that’s the bit that matters, so you can talk about your days, and have a lovely afternoon/evening!

I don’t really get why some need to make a big show of how they love their children more than someone else loves theirs.
My own kids used to run in and forget I was there….but were always happy to see me at pick up.

He wouldn’t do that unless he was a very secure little chap. Well done him and you x

She's jealous your child is so secure.

Ugh what a daft thing for her to say.

My daughter has always gone into new situations like nursery and school really confidently and happy too OP. We love each other very much and have a strong bond, as do you and your child. Don't even give it a second thought.

People are so weird. It’s not a competition! Although I’d much rather have a child like you have explained rather than a clingy sounding one.take it as a good thing imo

A confident child is a testament to the healthy bond you have forged with them, they know you are absolutely there for them when needed so they are happy to explore the wider world and experience new things. Your friend is uninformed and quite unkind to say that.

Think of it from HER point of view.
Her daughter was upset leaving her, so your comments will have sounded like you were saying you’ve done a better job than her at socialising your child and building his confidence around people other than you.
She’s making herself feel better by supposing it’s to do with ‘love’ or a ‘strong bond’.

Fact is, neither of you have done anything wrong. Kids respond in different ways for different reasons. And it all sorts itself out as they get older.

You have done NOTHING wrong with your child.

My daughter was always happy to go into any new setting, childminder, pre school, primary etc. She was always really excited about starting (when she was old enough to express herself)

We have a lovely bond. She's 14 now and still likes me to walk to and from school with her. She's perfectly capable of doing it by herself if I can't make it.

She prefers to walk with me than with her friends. She's very happy when she gets there.

You know your bond with your son. Try not to worry about what happens with anyone else. ❤️

You have done your job well, he knows he is loved and you will be back for him. So you need to worry about nothing.
Confidence is one thing we can give our children indeed. It is not a measure of how much or little he loves you.
Also, it makes life much easier for everyone.

My first thought her is, is it possible your friend is rather worried about her son? I'm not saying that to excuse her clearly unpleasant comment to you, but I do wonder if she is worried sick about how her boy will manage the day her boy does have to go to school/nursery or the day she has to leave him to go into hospital or anything? Was your comment (completely accidently) rubbing her face in those fears?

So your friend is happy that her child is unhappy? Strange person.
as an educator I’ve seen parents drop kids off and they’ve bounced in all smiles then mummy calls them back for one more kiss, one more cuddle, oh I’m going to miss you all day, the school can call me to pick you up, then before you know it you have 5 crying kids who were fine and you see the parent leave that their own emotional needs have been met. But they made their kid unhappy and upset.

As an ex Nursery Teacher I can assure you this is good! DS is safe and secure in your love ,happy to play with other DC, and have a good time! Your friend is a little insecure I think .Just to reassure others whose little ones may be a bit nervous , that often they settle down and dont want to go home at the end! You have done a marvellous job !

Ignore your friend. I think she has separation issues personally. Trust me, you’d much rather they walk off confidently to enjoy their day than have to be peeled from your arms in hysterics. At least you know your child is happy. You be proud of your baby and don’t let your insecure friend upset you.

I would say that's pretty healthy. Mine took a while to settle and I felt horribleand guilty leaving him but the reason I started him at 2yrs is he had an unhealthy attachment to me as in I could never leave him with anyone including familiar family members as he wouldn't be able to cope. I think your child has shown confidence and take happiness from the fact ur child is not feeling abandoned when you leave him.