Nasty comment from friend about my 2yo starting nursery

[Stephanieava]

So my 2yo (2y1m) went for their first taster session at nursery this morning. Was only there for 1 hour

He got there and walked in with such confidence, was happy to go straight up to a table full of other children playing and get stuck in. Also spoke to the nursery teachers straight away. I was SO so proud of him (although i was in bits!)

He’s a very confident little boy, has been at home with me for the past 2 years. I’ve always socialised him very well, we’re around other adults and go to at least one baby / play group every day of the week so he has seen and been used to been around other children

I was speaking to my friend about it and she said ‘oh my god i can’t believe he wasn’t sad leaving you! My little girl wouldn’t let me walk out the door, she loves me too much, our bond is just so strong’

She basically insinuated that her bond with her daughter is stronger than that of me and my son. I was blown away and just made an excuse to leave.

I’ve overthought it since then (im pregnant & very emotional!) and the more ive spoken to others, it seems like their children were upset leaving them too. Now i’m sat here wallowing thinking i’ve done something wrong, how silly! Not that i would want him to be upset, but you know what i mean

When I was a child I was upset at my mum leaving me at nursery. We don’t have a good bond now at all.

I'm sorry I haven't read the replies so might be repetitive. You have a secure attachment with your child. They are happy to explore new opportunities without you because they know that you will always be there for them and collect them afterwards. They have confidence in you, and themselves. Your friend's child does not and it manifests in the crying.

At best that's a highly insensitive tactless 'friend' won totally put their foot in it. At worst they deliberately wanted to needle you so aren't your friend.

I'd keep this one at arms length. But it's a shame you didn't say to her "what exactly do you mean?" and really drilled into her to find out if she'd thought through what she was really saying, to see if she would realize and backtrack! People who make snide comments don't usually like it if you publicly and loudly analyse their own nasty comment in my experience as it calls out their shitty passive aggressive behavior for what it is.

And seriously, what would you prefer? Child screaming and crying and clinging and making a spectacle of themselves for an hour whilst other children quietly and happily go in? Mother gloats "oh she's just sooo well bonded to me!" Erm, not likely. I've seen children do this, they are usually either highly anxious/with send or have been literally helicopter parented and attached at the hip to parent at all times.

You say your friend insinuated that she had a closer bond. Looking at your post you were so proud of him, have socialised him, is there any possibility when you told your friend this that she thought you were insinuating she was not being as good a parent as you?
Maybe you both should acknowledge your children are different and try not to compete at being the better mother. If you each have another child you may find tables are turned.

I’d be thrilled - my to be year 1 child gets upset still - nothing to do with bond he just misses me

As a holder of a degree in psychology, tell her to read up on attachment theory. The children who have been the most supported and comforted and therefore have the strongest bonds with their primary caregiver will be the most confidence in unfamiliar experiences.

Stop it! You have obviously done nothing wrong and everything right. Self control independence appropriate behaviour in any setting , social skills are the ultimate goals and you've cracked them all for your little one. Enjoy the fruits of your labours as he can and take no notice claims about strong bonds and other rubbish. You'll be able to do it alll again soon too. Best wishes

Mind used to kick up an almighty fuss every time we left her, I was genuinely worried about insecure attachment. Ignore her.

Next time you see her I'd express sympathy for her daughter's difficulty trusting that she will be coming back and suggest some tips for building a secure attachment. I saw parents like this a lot when I worked in schools and nurseries. They think it's a badge of honour to have a screaming child clinging to them at the school gates, not knowing that the moment they are out of sight the child is absolutely fine and only put a show on because they know the parents' ego demands it. It's very unhelpful for those parents who have children with genuine difficulties coming into school.

Honestly, they're all different, it has nothing to do with bonds, nor parenting imo. I went into nursery without issue, dm and I aren't close. A friend's little girl was super confident in nursery, but really shy in reception. They are honestly all different, and it can change at different ages. Connecting a nursery start to an entire bond to the parent, is absolutely ridiculous.

Attachment theory actually says the complete opposite! The more secure they are in your love / presence, the happier they are to go off on their own.

It's amazing to hear how independent your little boy is. Ignore them

DS walked off without a backward glance at his first day of school, then to his year six week-long trip away, and similar occasions right through to uni.
He has always been very confident, sociable and open to new experiences. He's an only child but his friends are incredibly important to him -- has lots including some who are very close.
So I reckon we did something right, or at least OK. (We're about to go on a week's holiday together, he's now in his 30s and we still do that a couple of times a year.)

She's clearly not a good friend...I wouldn't even want to speak to her if she can comment things like that..it's amazing your boy got confidence like that...keep up the great work mama your doing a great job and your boy loves you very much

Your job is to make your child confident to go out into the world...you are doing great at it!

You can't guarantee that a sibling would have been the same. They're all different. I have two, and they have been parented exactly the same. One is more confident than the other.

That's embarrassing for her! Well done for raising a small person who is emotionally stable and ready to take their next steps. You rock Mama!

Hi OP.

Well, I’m still waiting for my little one to cry at nursery which I was promised repeatedly would happen without exception. Like your son, she’s constantly in playgroups or classes and has many play dates. I expected tears mainly as our family and close/old friends are abroad so she just sees me and DH in terms of family. DH works long hours too.

Don’t give it a second thought! Sounds to me like she was trying to make herself feel better about her child crying possibly - even though that’s a perfectly normal response too. Also sounds like she has zero tact.

I’ve got a 5yo who has never looked back when going anywhere. He’s so confident, loves new places and loves school. He runs in every day and doesn’t say bye. You know who would slag that off… someone who wishes they had it. Enjoy your boy, he’s thriving. She’s just trying to make herself feel better.

She’s talking nonsense! Sounds like he had a great start. Don't be surprised if in the next week or two he has a day when he does cling to you and doesn’t want to go. Be strong, leave him with staff and go! My 3rd just started nursery and was very confident but we’ve had one day 2 weeks in were he wasn’t happy, the other two had times like this too. It’s all normal! …my first would run away when I came to collect him because he didn’t want to leave! 😂

Do you know why kids who are confident and don't cry in a new situation are like that? Precisely BECAUSE of the bond they have with their primary care giver....so you! He knows you will come back for him, he isn't frightened or worried. He is secure.

Well done
You have ticked the first box on raising an emotionally healthy human!

My girl always went in without a backwards glance, didn't even get a good bye. My boy cries if I leave him. Different children. Nothing to do with bond. 🙄

Wow, your friend is a stone cold bitch.

You must be tempted to do the head tilt and "oh dear, are you worried about his attachment, he doesn't seem comfortable leaving you", but just ignore and back away.

A lot of people put this stuff down to attachment, personally I think any DC with loving parents will have a good strong attachment and it's more about personality type. Both of mine have always gone into new settings very happily too and it's a great trait (and one I never had as a kid!), it opens so many doors as they're willing to try new activities.

It’s absolutely to do with attachment theory and there’s been many research studies carried out about it. It means they have had a secure attachment with their caregiver and are secure in new situations. It’s not attachment in a negative way but positive.

I understand the studies, but don't believe this is the case for every single child. I have 2, and they have been parented, and brought up exactly the same. They are very different, genetics play apart too, in conjunction with environment.

The flip side of saying that the confident kids have a secure attachment to their parents is that the nervous ones don't. I'm sure we can all think of several timid DC of devoted SAHMs who can be clingy - that's not an attachment issue. They're just shy and not used to being left.

Is there any reputable research about attachment issues in children brought up in healthy, loving homes? I know that DC who face neglect or adoption or other trauma can experience problems with attachment, but is there any evidence for attachment theory in loving families? I'm not aware of any but it's not my field.