I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

[PoliteEagle]

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

Average salary in London is 44k pp. so 80k for 3 ppl is survival indeed. You d need 130k income for 3 ppl to leave average.
again my question was for SAHM in London to share their experience. If they are all married to high earners? Or they managed to be SAHM in other ways.
200k pm is a millionaire in your eyes? Really? Newly qualified lawyer in magic circle is on 150k

Yeah, I took career breaks when changing jobs to chill for a little bit , 2-3 months is my max for having rest and doing nothing.
with a kid I guess I would always be busy so should be fine. I think you need to invest in development of a kid from early age, and that’s what I would really want to do. There are of corse also less attractive aspects for me in being SAHM, but positive outweigh negative. Would be happy to take a backseat in a career while I am with kid to invest into their future. Also very important point that other was raising about having a back up plan and make sure I will be able to return to workplace and also in case of split up.
tbh I think I also have a childhood trauma. My parents were super busy with work and never had proper time for me. There were also always super tired and stressed and could easily get annoyed or angry with me. So I don’t want have the same family set up and to have enough time for my kid.

It sounds like your household wasn't a very happy place when you were growing up, and I'm sorry. I think it's good that you're recognising how that might be contributing to what you're looking for, but I do think with some reframing, you would see that being a SAHM isn't the only way to achieve a happy, child-focused family.

The first thing is to reach a level in your career where you have some financial leeway and some flexibility. The second is to marry or partner with someone who is going to share your priorities around children and the family. In the years when we were both working, things were extremely busy, but we were able to afford lots of lovely help, we were both in positions where we had independence and flexibility around how and where we did our work. There were times and circumstances when things were out of our hands, but the other one was almost always in a position to step in. Out of three children, I think there were maybe eight times over all the years when at least one of us wasn't at a school event. We did a lot of juggling to make it work, including working at home early mornings and after the kids went to bed, prioritising being there for family dinner, bathtime, reading stories, doing fun things on the weekends - ultimately that's more important to kids than whether you were there every minute.

Anyway, my point is that there are different ways to achieve a happy and stable home environment.

It’s a great example to set for your children, especially your daughters, that being a wife and mother is valuable and worth investing time an effort into.

In a thread of people piling on OP for being a gold digger, I would like to offer some practical advice as a housewife who hasn’t worked a single day since getting married. You need to develop the skills - and the mindset - that would make a man want to support you. To be a successful stay-at-home wife, before and after children, you need to be neat, organised, decent at cooking, and accommodating. DO NOT under any circumstances take advice from any person or content creator who talks about the “mental load” or sharing household tasks with the working spouse. The way to be a housewife or SAHM whose husband not only isn’t resentful but who dreads they say you’ll go back to work is to keep on top of everything and make your home and family a pleasant place for your husband to return to. Take as many things off his plate as possible, make his life as easy as possible. You can start to do these things before you give up work to give a tantalising glimpse of things to come, but don’t take on too much while still working.

You certainly don’t need to restrict your dating pool to bankers to achieve this lifestyle - when my husband and I were first married he only earned 40k and we were very comfortable. Now he earns more (still under 100k) and we can easily afford to own a house and have children. He works in systems engineering. You mainly need to look for someone who already values the role of a SAHM, this is much easier if his mother stayed at home when he was a child, my husband’s mother also hasn’t worked since he was born and he wouldn’t want his own children raised by anything other that a SAHM.

What an astonishing post. There speaks the voice of someone so workshy she’s prepared to manipulate her way out of the workforce by ‘giving glimpses’ to a potential spouse of what it would be like to be married to a 1950s cartoon housewife (who, in fairness, in the actual 1950s often hadn’t got other options because of the context she was living in — you do.)

At least you’re honest enough on an anonymous forum not to pretend it’s anything to do with having small children at home. You just found someone to support you financially from the day you got married while you took on the ‘mental load’ of cleaning the house.

Yours is an appalling example to set your daughter. Lessons in being financially dependent on someone you need to rely on remaining married to you.

Do you greet your husband with fresh lipstick, a bright smile and his slippers? Do his children fall under the category of the ‘mental load’ you’re careful not to bother him with?

Not necessarily. My OHs mum stayed at home throughout his childhood when they desperately needed the money of two incomes. His own mum also lacks confidence and doesn't have many friends. I know this isn't true of all SAHMS but my OH resents that his mum didn't work and knew how much more experiences and how much more self confidence and social connections she would have made by working. We didn't want SAHMs for our family based on his experience. Having two working parents is something that is important for us both.

Again this is just what works for our family. There's no right answer for what is best. What i do object too, is the references made by the OP to how she needs beauty treatments, gym memberships and four holidays a year or life would make her very unhappy and how she would be depressed buying 2nd hand clothes and counting pennies yet expects to find a husband that will let her not work while bankrolling the above. She doesn't sound even remotely mature to be a parent.

I feel like my skin wants to turn inside out when I read "make his life as easy as possible" .

Why do men's life get to be as easy as possible? Why do they get to have kids and then have nothing change in their life? Why do women's life not get be made to be easy?

I'd be horrified if I had a daughter and she met a man who expected this of her. Working mums get such a bashing on here yet and are always guilt tripped that "they'll never get this time back"

Yet I constantly read about men who work long hours, work weekends, are out the home 7-7, completely uninvolved in parenting such as not doing bed times or any other hands on parenting, don't cook and don't do housework. These men are almost put on a pedestal, told we should make their lives easy and are never guilt tripped for missing large chunks of their child's lives.

Not that I need to justify myself to you, but no one who is workshy would last very long as a good housewife - and again, I will stress that a good housewife is one whose husband is completely content with their setup. I’m having a nice relaxing Saturday after a week single-handed demolition, bricklaying, angle grinding and fence erection in our garden that’s saved my husband thousands. I’ve kept out house clean, well-stocked, our dishes washed and his clothes ironed while doing this, hosted his father who is visiting. Cooked three high-effort meals a day, I am talking about dinners that require more than an hour of prep time and hot, homemade breakfasts and lunches. I’ve booked my husband’s upcoming appointments, arranged a repair of his boots and I’ve mended a rip in his jacket. I certainly prefer my job to paid employment, but my husband also certainly prefers me doing my job to me bringing in an income and not doing those things. My husband is a successful, adult man capable of making his own choices - saying that I’ve manipulated him into his preferences is absurd. Are people who pay cleaners and buy ready-meals manipulated into paying for their household labour to be done by someone else 😂

Would it upset you to learn that I take my husband’s shoes off for him? I wonder if that tips him over from poor manipulated sap with a lazy wife to awful misogynist lol

I would expect that a man in his 30s-40s who’d earned £150-200k pa since graduation would be a millionaire, yes. They should have substantial property assets and investments. What else would they have been doing with their income, spending it all on coke and hookers? I’d run a mile from somebody on that salary with no assets.

And the fact you can’t seem to see this is why people are saying you are going to have trouble attracting somebody on that salary - you obviously don’t move in those circles.

Thank you, is it very very helpful post for me. I love cooking, not much backing but mainly because how backing can be harmful for body weight. My flat is very cozy, I spent lots of time and effort on making it so, have also lots of houseplants. I get always complimented by friends who visit my place. I think I am rather neat and ordanised. The thing I definitely need to work on from your list is being accommodating.

omg, you sound so mean and also jealous. How awful it is for a woman to have a choice to work or not to work

Making my husband’s life as easy as possible doesn’t mean not expecting him to parent his children. It means not expecting him to do the parts of parenting that are hard work - he already works hard at his job that pays for our lifestyle. He wants to do things like bath and bed time, teaching children to read, going on walks and bike rides, science experiments and teaching them about computers, those are things he enjoys, so that’s what I expect him to do.

This is why many men feel taken advantage of by their wife staying at home with the children - they come home from a job that pays for the whole family’s needs, only to be berated not cooking dinner, washing up, changing nappies, hoovering floors, making bottles, or staying up half the night with fractious little ones.

Did I ask people on their opinions whether I will be able to attract men like this? I don’t think so. Neither about what they think about my social circle. We just have a different definition for a millionaire. Though I get it if you make 30k, a person making 150k could be see as a millionaire. But the way It is not after graduation but after being newly qualified. Are you aware that some jobs require you to do a qualification? Law is one of them. It would take another 3 years. Quite honestly I don’t see why you think you have a right to judge what is my social circle.

With respect, this gives even more insight into what sounds like a bunch of desperate attempts to convince the husband you’re financially dependent on that you’re giving enough ‘value for money’ to not be contributing financially to the household.

No one needs ‘three high-effort meals a day”, far less ‘hot, homemade breakfasts and lunches’. (And cooking well is perfectly compatible with a FT job — DH does all the cooking here, and does it well, while also working in a demanding role.) No visiting parent needs their adult child’s spouse to stay at home to wait on him hand and foot throughout his visit. Any functioning adult competent enough to hold down a job can book their own dental appointments, boot and clothing repairs. Keeping the average house clean and well-stocked and the laundry done simply isn’t a FT job, or anywhere near, as shown by the fact that you presumably managed it this week while demolishing and building a garden fence AND hosting your FIL.

You are making work and making ordinary domestic tasks most of us carry out before or after work unnecessarily elaborate and lengthy to look busy.

And taking off your husband’s shoes for him is pretty desperate, unless you’re into cosplaying Surrendered Wife or something.

And I think the term ‘manipulation’ is perfectly appropriate to a post in which you tell wannabe housewives (not even SAHMs — no children involved when you stopped working) to take some of the ‘mental load’ off your husband in advance of giving up work as a ‘tantalising glimpse’ of the delights to come if you actually quit your job for a life devoted to taking off his shoes and booking his dentist appointment. It’s like those ancient dating manuals that suggested letting him have a ‘tantalising glimpse’ of thigh, but no more till there’s a ring on your finger etc etc.

I would really recommend the book “The Empowered Wife” for you before you are even engaged, let alone married. Lots of early bumps in my marriage came from me having high expectations of my husband, and him bucking against those as I made demands of him. The book has helped me to achieve contentment, it recommends amongst other things, doing three things a day purely for your own enjoyment. It also teaches how to communicate your desires to your husband without making demands, and in a way that makes him want to fulfil them and make you happy. It’s a lot harder to change the culture of your marriage after you’ve set off on the wrong foot than to go into it with the right attitude from the beginning. I had terrible role models in relationships growing up, so learning about positive communication was particularly helpful.

Bless you OP! I hope you are very young 😂

I was incredibly lucky to have a dad who worked in a senior job (that involved travelling) at times and still did night feeds, cooking, nappies and everything on your list. Because my dad knew being a parent wasn't just picking and choosing the parts you liked or doing the fun things. That being a good parent meant doing the bits that weren't enjoyable too and mucking in with the running of the household. He says he wouldn't have had it other way and I'm lucky that's it modeled to me what's important for a husband.

@batt3nb3rg

Would it upset you to learn that I take my husband’s shoes off for him?

But, why? Does he have special needs? It doesn't upset me, but it does baffle me a bit.

I think you are just not aware of what (some!) men value. How could a tantalising glimpse of the joys of having a stay at home wife manipulate a man into becoming the sole income earner if those things were not what he wanted for his life. Of course two working people are capable of managing a household, of course you don’t need three high effort meals a day - but my husband likes not having to do anything around the house. He likes having pancakes and coffee in bed. He likes that if he says bending over is making him feel sick I will take his shoes off for him.

Also many people would manage to do up their garden while having a full time job - does that mean that they don’t have a full time job? No, it just means that they woke up a little earlier, and did things in the evening. I only have to sleep for eight hours a day, there are a lot more hours for everything else!

Do you brush his teeth for him too?

You really can't see the bigger picture here? Your parents working hard enabled you to go to university, however you look at it, they guided you towards making that choice, kept a roof over your head and kept your education rolling despite being super tired. They sound like they set a fantastic role model for hard work. (Edited to add: obviously we've no idea if there was abuse etc in your childhood so if that's the case then obviously that is far from a good role model. Just trying to reframe your parents hard work that is all).

And you've repaid that effort by....taking career breaks to chill for 2-3m? Chill from what? And doing nothing then too?

happy to take a backseat in a career while I am with kid to invest into their future. Your parents invested in your future and look what happened "I don’t want have the same family set up and to have enough time for my kid."

There are of corse also less attractive aspects for me in being SAHM, but positive outweigh negative. I don't think you can really, truly understand what these aspects are until you are actually a parent and in the thick of it.

I put toothpaste on his toothbrush for him when he has to go into the office in the morning, as well as making his lunch, packing his bag, and setting his clothes out at the end of the bed.

I think @batt3nb3rg has to be a troll. Imagine being married to man so inept he needs his shoes taken off for him, toothpaste put on and clothes laid out. I'd be completey embarrassed admitting that. Absolutely no one is that hard worked they can't do basic tasks for themselves.

Do you wipe his bum too? Or can he manage that?

I agree or she is married to a waste of space!