I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

[PoliteEagle]

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

No - I met my DP at uni and we both went onto fairly lucrative careers. My female uni friends though, who met their partners in late 20s/30s, all targeted men with professional jobs/a certain level of earning, because they wanted kids & that security.

We have friends and the husband is poorly at the moment - he has climbed the ladder whilst his wife was SAHP. When they met she worked in a senior role. They had children and she decided to give up work and the expectations fell onto him to provide. He stepped up. I do think he wanted a more shared role he is a wonderful father, but supported his wife choices at the time.

His mental health is suffering as his general health. Even though the children are now older (one just finished uni) she refuses to return to work. He is a shell of a person and he puts all the pressure on himself to financially support the household & ensuring she has pension in place etc I do understand it’s also her confidence has been affected by being a SAHP & she’s frustrated that she can’t step into the role she left and she will need to start at the bottom which she doesn’t want to do.

I don’t think he will still be working in the pressured role in six months and they both worried how to still support the household/family.

I’m not judging at all, but having to bear some stress over cooking or laundry etc is incomparable to knowing your family’s security is fully on your shoulders.

I don’t doubt there is some stress associated with being the primary breadwinner. But having worked in a professional and international role until I went on maternity leave at 37, I know what that kind of a job is like. It’s challenging at times. Mostly fun. Occasionally easy. If your team is a good one, then you have friends at work. It’s social. It’s not exactly the salt mines. And men who come home EVERY night and collapse on the couch, incapable of lifting a finger, are likely taking the piss imo.

You are wrong actually. The divorce rates are not particularly high 'in those circles' at all.

www.monster.com/career-advice/article/job-divorce-rate-1017

Hmmm thinking on this further, my husband’s life was much easier when I became a SAHM. Before, we would take turns with dinner, washing up, housework, etc. Once I was at home all day, his day job was the same, and he did much less domestic work.

Still disagree with you about this tbh. If my husband were to lose his job we have adequate savings to tide us over until one of us gets a new job. For my husband daily stresses would be much more significant than any stress about being the sole income earner for a number of years. I can see this might be the case for someone without job security or savings or someone on a very low income.

@Hucklemuckle I move in those circles….banker types etc. I’ve known one divorce in 20 years in my wider friend group. I know of a few more, but it doesn’t seem disproportionally high.

I'm a SAHM and my husband is not a high earner. We're certainly not poor but just a normal wage.
We believe traditional roles work best for our family so we make it work!

That's US statistical data from 2015 you muppet . Almost a decade ago.

Did you actually read the article before you linked it, I'm guessing not.

😂😂😂

In my own circle, there have been 3 divorces: trader, wealth manager and PWC consultant.

I'll trust real life experience over random Internet stats.

One was upto his eyeballs in debt with a SAHM wife, who knew nothing about the financial state of affairs until the bomb dropped (drugs and gambling she suspects). Everything they have is leveraged to the hilt and his £250k salary isnt enough to service the mortgage, debts and privates school fees anymore. She's had to move in with her parents with 3 kids. One who had an affair and walked out on his wife and teenage kids, the legal battle is 3 years in and the legal bills are eye watering (Jardyce Vs Jardyce territory) and the last that has recently happened and they're all still reeling.

It does happen. Perhaps behind closed doors. There isn't always a big fat payoff waiting to furnish the lifestyle anymore.

This can happen whether there is a SAHM or not.

There seems to be an impression here that SAHMs want to have a "lifestlye" and the poor working husband is funding this "lifestyle". This is so far from the truth for the vast majority of SAHMs.
A SAHM is a full time job without a break. It can be thankless but for many it is very rewarding. There are many benefits for the whole family to having a parent at home. There are also societal benefits in that it is often the SAHMs who volunteer in schools and in the community and take on a caring role for elderly relatives.
Yes the SAHM should be aware that DISASTER might strike and she should have some savings/financial security and/or keep up with career/training courses etc so it will be easier if/when she decides to return to work. But if its what she wants to do and the family unit can afford it then it can work out great for the whole family. Do not let the fear that DISASTER might strike prevent you from doing something that in the vast majority of cases works out very well for all involved.

@crostini He must be a relatively high earner if you're managing on just one salary?

Oh I completely agree with you @Mabelthebore it could happen to anyone. It's not exclusive to being a SAHM and I'm definitely not bashing that choice. Its a hard gig being a SAHM that's for sure.

However it's often a much harder blow to recover from divorce if you're a SAHM. You've lost years of pension contributions and competitive experience in the workplace that is really difficult to recover. Plus having to deal with the breakdown of the family unit, potentially finding a new house and finding a new job is extremely stressful all at once.

Oh dear god why? My husband is in finance, 6 figure salary and I couldn't be a sahm. I am not ashamed to admit work is a rest for me! I work 3 days a week and my most tiring are the two days I'm off with 2 kids.
My salary is stupidly insignificant but why would you want to give up something thats just for you?

Also expect said husband to be out the house 14 hours a day. So all childcare pick ups are on you. Illnesses on you. Night wakings on you. Any worry about the kids on you.

They then also have networking events all the time. Busy 'weeks' that drag on for months and months. Dh recently went through a period of 4 months of working until 11pm. It's not the glam life you think it is.

Exactly.

Of course it’s harder when someone else has funded everything. Especially when no savings are involved and the SAHM has had years out of work with multiple children which can often be the case.

It is such a vulnerable position to put yourself in, especially considering the divorce rates.

I've no idea what the average salary is but atm he earns around 55k so not astronomical at all. We have a nice life and don't go without.

Honestly one of the most disturbing posts I’ve read on Mumsnet - and that’s saying something!
The OP attitude is absolutely disgusting and disrespectful to both working mums and SAHMs! Let alone the disrespect of this wonderful future man who is earning over 100k minimum - no other qualities about you are important at all!
just utterly utterly ridiculous.
I first thought it was an AI post but given the replies, it seems real which is just shocking.
MARRY FOR LOVE FFS

Yes, I do thinknthis iss underestimated, not that I had reason to complain. Months and months of 12 hour, 6 day weeks.

Totally agree - the OP is just trying to chase money. Sensible men will see straight through her. OP - if you want a particular lifestyle, earn it yourself!

Because people on very high salaries, or with a very high net worth, will be very familiar with protecting their assets.

Divorce is not an automatic half the assets someone owns - particularly for a marriage in later life rather than one when you are very young. If you’ve been together a long time and given your job up to have kids then you may be able to claim up to half the “marital assets” at the time but those would only be the assets created during your marriage, not beforehand or those inherited. In addition, if you divorce in your 40s with no career prospects you may need to maintain yourself for another 50 years - few couple have reached an asset level that will allow them to do that at the lifestyle they are used to without an ongoing income so the sharing of existing assets may not go as far as you think. There are also many ways to minimise or hide assets you do have if you are financially sophisticated.

Yes, you need someone rich enough to afford the lifestyle you want on just their salary.

So no, not a banker, but yes, someone well paid or otherwise wealthy.

Not to mention the fact that divorce takes time. You don’t instantly get half of the assets.