I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

[PoliteEagle]

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

I am a SAHM and my DH earns 54k per year. After we had our son we made the decision that we wanted one of us to stay at home. DH was put on a big project at work whilst I was on maternity leave and I had a high stress job that I needed a break from so I jumped at the chance to do it. However, I had a solid amount of savings and I made it clear that I wanted to keep hold of those savings so that I did not get made to feel vulnerable. We make it work by keeping our outgoings as low as we can. I really enjoy being a SAHM, it's not for everyone though and I'm not one of those people who has some weird thing against nurseries/childminders etc. Everyone is different and comes from different circumstances.

@Aimtodobetter Absolutely. A decade on from my divorce and my ex is living in a million pound property complete with hottub and swimming pool. I'm still privately renting with no chance of being able to afford to buy.
My advice: don't marry an accountant.

I bring a property in London, a car, two master degrees in STEM, a highly respected professional qualification, good job with good income. Plus I am looking after myself, cooking and eating healthy food, going to gym, swimming pool and yoga regularly. Travel a lot, including long haul, interested and can converse about literature, history, art, theatre, speak 3 languages. (Sounds like a bragging now :))) I bring a lot but also want a lot. And yes have traditional old fashioned values. I guess i would be better off being born in 1950s..

Come on OP - you are having us on now 🤣

@crostini To me that's a high salary but I guess it's all relative. My husband earns around £24k pa ft so your hubby earns over double what he does. No way could we afford to live off his salary alone, obviously.

Some of the replies on this thread are unbelievably bitchy 😂 it’s clear the op is way jumping the gun thinking about this when she’s literally not even met this man or been on any dates etc. Literally anything could happen so it’s all fantasy. Every time there’s a thread about SAHM being an aspiration or a want on mumsnet the claws come out in the comments…. It’s still such a sensitive topic for almost all women clearly. I get the impression almost everyone is conflicted about what’s right or wrong in all directions. It’s discussed on here over and over and over again and often anyone admitting to being a SAHM is heavily criticised for not protecting herself etc etc. I wonder what will be revealed in future about women’s roles and mothers and workers and how the narrative will go.. I’d be so interested to see the results of sociological surveys around this if anyone knows of any!

@babyproblems There may be conflict on maternal feelings r.e. staying at home. Zero on the financial vulnerability of a SAHP unless they've planned for the worst case. Few do. People are being harsh because many on this site have been there and done that! Like @Youthiswastedontheyoung

Relying on a spouse financially is a very risky plan especially as it's never been easier to divorce. No-fault allowed since 2021.

Unless there are significant assets to split, SAHP end up worse post-divorce. Courts these days are more geared towards 'equal' splits, 50/50 things like spousal maintainance are rare even for SAHP. They're expected to return to work ASAP.

They often struggle with to do so, continue to bear most of the childcare burden anyway and are left without the means to buy again. Social housing is like hen's teeth, people can be in temporary accomodation for years. There's help with rent, yes but many LL don't want to let to single parents.

Also consider the loss of pensions when not working.

Personally I wouldn't consider being a SAHM by choose unless we had significant financial reserves as a family.

Anyway OP has a good job and is presumably intelligent. She can work out how much wealth is needed for what she wants, but also what she's willing to give up.

What is it that you imagine ‘sociological surveys’ will show? Becoming a SAHP may be necessary in an emergency, with a child with a disability, or temporarily when a trailing spouse, or if your own health won’t allow you to work, but it’s very short-sighted for the person with other options.

I think what @babyproblems means is that she would like to know what feelings are nation wide about the role of SAHP. Mumsnet is often reflective of a particular demographic and not always reflective of the country as a whole. Nursery fees are anywhere between £85 to £100 a day in the area where I live. For a high earning parent that may be feasible, but for lower earning or middle earning families they may decide that one parent reducing hours or temporarily taking a break from work is better.

If you’re going to be a SAHM you have to make sure things are in place should you split. My DH earns £400k a year and I don’t work nor intend to. He accepts that I needed to be a home owner in my own right to have an asset that he has no claim to if the worst happened.

Depends on your spouse.

Yes of course. I think I should be in a good position even if split later as I have a property plus have a retirement plan in place. I plan to retire by 50 but if i will be SAHM for 5 years and part time after, then the retirement will be pushed to 55, which is fine by me.
What do you think will be a good income for 3 people (incl kid) to life comfortably in London? 400k is amazing of course, but £150k would be ok? My previous bf was about 300k in his early 30ies, though he was fine with a traditional family set up as he mum has never worked, we were not really compatible in other things.

Your morals are appalling - you don’t choose your life long partner by their ability to earn a high salary.

Did I ask you or someone else to evaluate my character? Read the opening post again. I was pretty much clear in what I was asking.
So many saints here.
Everyone has their own criteria when selecting a partner and many do consider income or earning potential. So do I, among other things. Trust me, many men are also bothered. Many ask what do you do for living in 2nd or 3rd question.

it is not true. Many men provide. He is not rich, just a teacher but my part time job adds quite a lot.

You can be with your child and keep them at home even until the very last minute and send them to part time nursery ( 15 free hours) just before they go to school, and work while they are there. If you work even 10h, for the whole month you have a nice little sum to save up. When they go to school you can work up to 30 h and even up to 40 if you work some weekends. I think you just speak out of a high horse mentality, rather than someone who really knows how to work and budget.

we seem did it / do it the same way. what a rare occurence to find someone like that on mn

That would work if I were in a more flexible job such as a gym instructor or a hairdresser for example. In my area no one is gonna hire or keep you for 10 hours per week. Not a chance. I may though do some freelance work but definitely would not be enough to sufficiently contribute to a family budget just a small extra. Though every penny counts of course. I think since I am just starting dating I will try to maximise my pension and saving. It will be still a couple of years till I have kids as obviously you need time to meet someone and then get to know them. Even if I will be lucky to meet someone with similar views and sufficient income, I may not as well.

It's complicated.
150K on PAYE is only 90K take home. Excluding student loans etc.
A single earner on 75K takes home 54K. Two take home 100K+.
That's a massive difference.
Of course one can max out their pension to reduce tax but that's not money available now. Having a single high earner is throwing money away in tax (although employers know this so for higher salaries shares etc is part of the compensation).
Of course if they're self-employed they pay much less tax with a clever accountant but one needs a buffer for out of work periods.

You need to work out
a) How much - essentials Vs disposable income
b) savings rate
c) retirement plan

Mortgages alone for a family home in London can be up to 3K . Bills will come to about 500. So that's 3.5K on living expenses.
2.5K for other 'essentials' like food, transport, clothes.
That's already 6K.
On a 150 net salary 90K gross is only 7K. So you only have 1K a month to save for a financial buffer + holidays.
That's too little for a family with only one earner.

In the meantime I shocked with so many ENM men on apps. Though this is probably a topic to for a dating forum.

I’m assuming the men who ask what you do for a living aren’t doing so in order to find out whether you’re capable of supporting them as a SAHP?

When men ask you this, do you simper, look wistfully ant a passing double buggy, and say ‘Well, I’m dying not to work outside the home at all…’?

lol I am not dying if you had read my posts properly you would see that I am talking about staying at home for 5 years till kid goes to nursery, we are supposed to work approx 45 years of our life, surely 5 years vs 45 is a big difference. So I simply reply with what I am doing for living. I normally don’t discuss how we view families etc till approx 3rd date. But quite often you don’t even need to ask, it is clear.

i didn’t ask for their intentions, could be that they are broke and looking for a woman to help them. Many people in London still sharing a flat well in their 30ies. Some can ask just out of curiosity, some ask because them want someone of similar career, eg white collars do not want to date blue collars etc

Can't you just go it along with a sperm donor so you don't risk it being left too late? Just save madly for a bit.

Alone not along.

Oh no, this is definitely not an option. I want a proper family. Even if I don’t meet anyone, I would just live by myself. I am of strong opinion that kids should have two parents. One things is people get divorced because they grew apart or other issues and totally other intentionally bring a child without a father into this world. I don’t judge, every woman makes her own decision, but this is a big no for me. Would prefer staying a childless in this case.

The problem with SAHM planning is I think you don't know how your pregnancies will pan out. The ideal is to stay home, have two quickly in succession then go back uninterrupted but that may not happen.
Also depending on the industry part-time can often mean less pay for a similar amount of work. It takes a lot of good will and excellent management to make it work in a career not a 'job'. If it's proper part-time, 4 days a week IMO isnt really.

For me personally, we aim to pay off a big chunk of our mortgage and I told DH we'll see how it goes. We aren't in London so with a small mortgage, SAH with one 'normal' salary and a small one is still enough.

Of course we won't be able to afford multiple holidays/beauty/gym (I mean, we have a well equipped home gun anyway so what's the point of paying for one outside).