I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

[PoliteEagle]

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

It depends on the circumstances but I disagree with this for my family.
My husband would have the same job regardless of whether I worked or not. Its his career and what he always wanted to do.
By my being at home I took a lot of stress away from him. He did not have to worry about taking time off if a child was ill or had an appointment. He did not have to worry about laundry, cooking, cleaning. He did not have to worry about taking the children to childcare or picking them up on time. He did not have to worry about taking the children to extra curricular activities. He could spend quality time the weekends with the kids. Now I am back at work part time I still take care of a lot of this but it has definitely added a bit more stress to his life in general.
However every family and circumstance is different. That's why we all need to respect each other. Being a SAHP is not an easy job but being a working parent is not easy either. Parents need to do what's best for their own families and stop judging others if they make different decisions.

I suspect there are a fair number of cocklodgers in that cohort, as opposed to genuine SAHDs.

Go on the relationships board and there are any number of women stuck with lazy entitled men who don’t work, do nothing around the house or for their own children, who are verbally abusive and blatantly texting other women in front of her.

Or just men who have lost their jobs for whatever reason, failed to find a new one, and haven’t picked up any of the household or childcare slack because “that’s women’s work” and they don’t want to admit that the unemployment has become permanent.

Totally different scenario to a family where both parents have agreed that it makes financial sense for the male partner to look after the children.

You’d probably overthinking this. Most people talk about their jobs and home ownership quite early on in dating. You sound like you know enough about professional jobs to have a good idea of what different jobs earn, and future prospects, without having to ask outright.

So just date men with good jobs, find one you find attractive and play it by ear as the relationship develops. Use your good salary to enjoy fun holidays abroad with your boyfriend and fall in love.

Most men are open to the idea of their kids having a Mum who doesn’t work full time long hours, if you have a kid you’ll have a year maternity leave anyway to discuss a plan for whether going back to work is the right thing for your family. Much easier in the context of a real child than a theoretical one.

Ok so the gold diggery is worse than I thought. When I opened this thread I thought it would be a rumification on how expensive rent is which you know fair enough.
But you ALREADY own a property in London. Sell it and buy a decent sized house anywhere else in the country. You can easily live off a normal man's wage with no rent/mortgage.

My husband fully supports me. He is also fully involved with the children. Equally me being available for the children also enables him to do all things he wants regarding work and some volunteer roles.
Before having children we always agreed they would only be with either parent on a regular basis, not childcare. (So we might both have worked PT). It hasn't worked out like that but the intention was sharing the child rearing if needs be!
BTW I had given up on relationships before getting together with my DH in my early 30s! It's amazing what life throws at you!

I’ve just seen this 😂

A property in London means nothing - particularly if it’s a flat given the cladding issues and also the service charge ones. Unless you’re living in Belgravia, it’s not special given the cost of some areas outside London (Sevenoaks, Guildford etc).

A car is nothing. I had a car at 17. So, not special there.

Qualifications mean nothing - most people these days have qualifications or masters degrees. So you’re not special there.

Most people in London or the SE have a good job with a good income (relative to their age, usually). So you’re not special there.

Lots of people travel. Lots of people are interested in arts and culture. So you’re not special there.

Lots of people take care of themselves and are attractive. So, you’re not special there.

Speaking three languages, particularly if one is your native language and another is English…is not hard. Most people can speak 3-4 languages, particularly if English isn’t their first language. Lots of people I work with speak 4-5 including Arabic or Mandarin. So, you’re not special there.

Gently, you are not impressive. Nothing you have is anything special…sorry. Lots of people out there are more impressive than you, and I am trying to be very nice but if they are genuinely things you think you bring to the table that make you a good ‘catch’ then I am sort of speechless.

You sound well set-up, OP. But you’re not going to grab a man like a banker or a CC lawyer with that. Being a good ‘catch’ and bringing things to the table is less about what you have and more about you.

Being a SAHM to a high earner is physically and mentally gruelling. The ones I know are rushed off their feet the entire day but have nothing to show for it. You need to be able to set aside your own pride and identity for your children whilst receiving virtually nothing in return.

Ability to talk about highbrow topics is virtually useless (this might play a role during the dating process but not needed thereafter). Instead, the single biggest pressure is to stay slim for the rest of your life. There's an unspoken rule amongst wealthy men that their wives are thin. Most don't actually want those dolled up, lips injected, hair blown dried type of woman. Many wealthy men get the piss taken out of them for choosing a stereotypical trophy wife, so they prefer a normal woman just with a BMI of 18, throughout pregnancy and children. And depending on the marriage, infidelity can often happen regardless of how attractive the wife is. It's just something she turns a blind eye to in exchange for the privileged lifestyle.

And the final detail which few people talk about is that it's very hard to find true friends as a SAHM to a very wealthy man. The things that bring joy or stress are so niche that it's almost impossible to find a lot of women who can truly sympathise. So friendship groups tend to be quite superficial. Mums essentially bond over a sense of snobbery that they are better than other people which is a slightly distasteful baseline to build friendships from. There's a lot of jealousy, cattiness, gossip and backstabbing. Some people don't mind that environment though and end up thriving but it's definitely not as rosy as it appears.

I think you're being a bit harsh here. Don't get me wrong I think op is being unreasonable and acting like a gold-digger.

But I don't know anyone who speaks three languages most people I know who speak two have moved from another country (eh Spain) so speak Spanish and English. I've been learning another language on Duolingo for four years and I'm still shit 🤣
Owning and selling even a one bed flat in London could easily buy you a nice house where I live. (I don't even live in a bad area think coastal and southern)
I heard somewhere that like 40% of people are overweight so if op is taking care of herself at the gym then that's a win too.

I think the op just needs to lower her standards tbh you can still be a sahm mum to a man with an ordinary job especially if you already own a property

I think it’s totally reasonable to think about a man’s career and earning potential when you are looking to marry them and have a family. It doesn’t mean it’s the only element, but it’s a factor. It’s absolutely not gold-digging to consider this!

I am a SAHM (or will be in a few month when baby is born) and my husband is not a high earner, just average. When dating him, I did care about money but it wasn’t about him being ambitious or rich. It was more about being in a stable job, having a good work ethic and being financially responsible. We’ve been together quite a while and are having children late (I’m 39) so there’s been time to save. We’re not wealthy by any means, but comfortable.

I also truly love my husband and I’m not with him for money. If he couldn’t work for some reason, I would work and support him. But it makes more sense for him to be the breadwinner so I can focus on taking care of our young child. I do think it’s the best-case scenario and a valid ambition.

Also, I am not choosing to stay at home because I think it will make me happiest. I’m doing it because I think it will be good for my child. It’s great if men and women can have full equality, but with raising children, it’s difficult. It’s the woman that has the baby. She’s often best suited to care for them when they are young. I think it’s sad that a lot of women can’t or won’t choose this path today. I believe it’s still often possible with some planning, but women are terrified of the power imbalance and told by others that it’s daft.

My point was more none of it really makes OP special - and certainly not enough to attract the sort of man she’s after who have particular circles of friends/partners all of whom will have what OP has in spades or more. She’s looking at herself in a very positive light - as she should - but none of it necessarily makes her a ‘catch’ or indeed the sort of woman a man will want to ‘keep.’

OP comes across as quite self centred and utterly unaware of herself at the same time…which isn’t a good combination. She can totally be a SAHW if she wants - but she won’t catch the man she’s after to live the life she wants. Maybe I was a tad harsh - but I think the underlying sentiment is the same as many others have expressed, I just broke it down more frankly!

I've been one for 15 years. Dh is military so although high up still has to pay for food, travel, kit, camp x

I agree with you're overall point 100% just thought it was a little disingenuous to say speaking three languages isn't impressive or owning property in London but I do see your point overall a banker is not going to give a shit about those things

Although I suppose "speaking three languages" is also subjective I've always considered that you have to be fluent to claim bragging rights but I've met people who claim they can speak 3+ but can only say "hello how are you" in 2 of the languages 🤣

Quite 😂and then you get the people who speak about seven fluently and claim they’re ‘okay’ at languages!

Women are terrified of the power imbalance for good reason. It can leave them trapped in an unhappy marriage after giving up their career, earning potential, pension etc with no financial independence.

It’s a risk that can have devastating consequences.

Do you not realise most men don't want a wife who is solely financially reliant on them? Nothing against SAHMs at all, but dating to find yourself someone to pay for your life is incredibly depressing and kind of concerning. Nothing is guaranteed, many wealthy men would insist on a pre nup. And having kids is not a guarantee either. You sound very grabby and naive.

@WanOvaryKenobi @Angelofmycoins that's what I was thinking, south Asian would be my first guess. I know native Russian and polish speakers and while either language doesn't use the definite article I'm getting more of a south Asian vibe here

I thought desi after reading more comments. OP is a Shaadi advert 😂

Op has said she's from mainland Europe

I saw that...not sure if I believe her though!

This is such a weird post. Rich men, like all men like all different types of women. My husband has a great job and his colleagues are married to all different types of women.
As for friendships, as a SAHM I had friends from all walks of life. I certainly don't bond with others over a type of snobbery. Those are the types of people I would actively avoid and I have found that attitude in the workplace more often infact than among those families with a SAHP.

As expected the obvious gold digger comments en masse. OP hasn’t stated she wants a rich man so she can saunter off on holidays and buy whatever she wants. Wanting to be a SAHM and being with a man that is happy to accommodate this does not make someone a gold digger. It’s not a particularly strange thing for parents to want their child looked after by one of the actual parents, rather than spending thousands of pounds on a minder, particularly if if one person is a lower earner and their entire wage is going on childcare!

OP Don’t let anyone demonise you for your preference it is and always will be the most natural set up. In today’s economic climate I would say a person would need to be earning at least £60k to allow their partner to be a SAHP. I don’t imagine there would be many luxuries to be had on this though and it would depend on where you live. Obviously £60k is going nowhere if you live in London.

PP assumes SAHM haven’t made any life long best friends throughout their lives before having children. Imagine thinking you know this much about women you don’t actually know. It is very weird.

It doesn't reflect my lived experience as a SAHP at all.