I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

[PoliteEagle]

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

This. I didn't intend to become a SAHM, it just happened because it turned out that's what we needed as a family. I certainly wouldn't have saved up money to do it, what a very strange idea. It's not a holiday. I'm saving the family money by doing it for free. (Also housework is split. Because I'm there for the kids, not the cleaning.)

What were the benefits you gave to your family that I didn’t give as a working parent?

How would she know the answer to that? She’s not you. She has her family, not yours.

I had a similar trajectory. Working for 15 years before kids and returning part time after a number of years staying at home. I loved it. It was beneficial for my family, and me. What was more beneficial for my family than yours? I don’t know. Maybe something, maybe nothing. Who cares? Not me. You shouldn’t either.

Being a SAHM or SAHP is a skill. You need to project manage, co-ordinate, food preparation, budgeting etc... you can do this on any income. The quality of your life doesn't have to reduce because you can't afford (unnecessary) luxuries.

I would work out what lifestyle you wish to have i.e. what can you live without overseas holidays, gym membership etc. Can you make great food if you shop at Aldi instead of M&S, how many kids do you want, and what size house would you like. Where do you want to buy your clothes from and most importantly when you feel undervalued (which you will) how are you going to work through that... cheeky donught and half an hour in the car or regular trips to the salon for hair and nails.

i think you’re jumping the gun hugely - but if being a stay at home parent is what you want you need to save from now. Even if you take 4 years off work - which isn’t that long and if you believe mums net is the end of your career (it isn’t) you do still need some funds in case your relationship breaks down or there is some issue with the person who is earning all the money. It’s a risky choice if you have no buffers in life. I didn’t plan on doing it but took the chance when redundancy came my way after returning from Mat leave, and dh was earning well and started his own business. It seemed daft to me to spend 40 hours a week at work for not great financial gain - my pay was pretty crap and we didn’t need it to live and save. My only condition was we pay well into both our pensions’ which we do. I also have family money so that offers security. I did laugh because he is a management consultant 🤣 but that wasn’t always his job, he did something else when we met and for a few years!!

I feel you’ve had an unnecessary bashing on this thread OP.
Our grandmothers didn’t fight for equality to give us LESS choice or only 1 choice ie. you must only ever work full-time, be responsible for all household chores, childcare and family mental load. How utterly exhausting.
Raising children should be seen as one of the most important jobs in the world by both sexes, IMHO. And in my experience, something has to give.
No wonder it’s still a man’s world - all they need to do is sit back and watch us waste our energy fighting each other in deciding who is ‘right’.

The only women I know who became them because them through choice and discussion with their DH. They didn’t set out to be ‘glorified sponges’ (as one puts it). And they’re only doing it until the kids are in school - then they’ll go back to work, despite never needing to.

None of my male circle of friends would look twice at a ‘glorified sponge.’ But maybe they’re just more discerning than the average bloke - although something tells me not.

But FWIW all my female friends who are sponges are attractive, slim and incredibly intelligent - not just smart - and ambitious. They’re doing it when the kids are young to spend time with them before they go back to work for the next 20+ years. None of them set out to be leeches, which is where you’re going to struggle, OP, because they’ll smell you coming a mile away

What's stopping you from becoming a trader and thus, the breadwinner?

If you are actively seeking a wealthy man to provide the SAHM lifestyle, the men you date will notice the transactional aspect of your dating. Some of them will be put off and others will be asking what is it that you bring to the table.

I made myself financially safe before I met DH who happened to be doing really well, so he never felt that I was interested in his wealth as a way to fund my lifestyle.

We manage it but receive top up benefits to do so. I imagine that is not your imagined scenario though. 😂

@PoliteEagle I haven't read the full thread but I'm going to assume you are early 30s and live in London.

I'm late 40s. So of the generation where a career is not for life and old enough to have seen the good and bad banking days.

Almost all of my friends exclusively went to top unis and we all did grad schemes at various city firms. I myself worked in Sales at a European bank in the City, so I knew and know plenty of former and current traders, researchers and sales bankers.

90% of my cohort were married before 35 and living the dream. Big salaries, lovely houses and holidays. Plenty of the wives were SAHM. Of that 90%, the majority (men and women) are no longer in the industry through no choice of their own. It is very difficult to have a long term city career now. Ask yourself, how many 50+ year old bankers do you see around? The challenge is that if you don't manage to climb the ladder and make it to the senior echelons, you tend to be made redundant or managed out. So what happens is that these city careers end up being very short for the majority of people. Most are lucky to get 25 years.

This is primarily one of the reasons why wiser people in the industry now seek partners that are more equal from a career perspective. Everyone knows that city careers don't have the longevity they used to.

My advice to you is definitely to aspire to being a SAHM if that is what you want, but I'd recommend you also be willing and able to bring something to the table as life will almost certainly mean you need a plan B.

One of my friends was similar to you. She quit her banking job to be a SAHM to 2 toddlers whilst her trader husband continued to work. He lost his job 3 years later and couldn't find anything in London. They are now expats in an offshore location whilst they rent out their Surrey house.

Absolutely what @Marjorambuka said and it was as true 44 years ago when I started in the City at my first investment bank. Very few grey hairs and I was burnt out and "done" at 36. Therefore I had seven glorious years as a SAHM.

You also run the risk that your high-earning husband gets sick or has a mid life crisis and decides to take up candle making or something. There's no guarantee that the money keeps rolling in.

Would you want DC if you couldn't be a sahm? Or being a sahm but without the lifestyle you'd like (no abroad holidays, no yoga). It may come to that decision if you can't find someone with a high enough salary to support you or if they don't want to support a sahm.

What happens after 2 or 3 years when you loose your looks?

Others may ask you early on if you want to work after you had children. That's what happened to me and he preferred me not to work.

There is a two child capable. She won't get any money for that child. I wouldn't be jealous.

And that’s never a good sign.

I was a stay at home mum until my youngest was about 7. We were very broke! Clothes second hand or home made, birthday and Christmas presents second hand and summer holidays were spent staying with grandparents. One old car, I walked most places using an ancient heavy double buggy, second hand furniture. Was it worth it? Yes, from my point of view but we didn't expect to holiday abroad or buy things new.

Personally I would save like mad and move back to your country of origin where you might find men more aligned to your way of thinking.

"they are married for 5+ years, if assets to be split equally, they will never have to work again. One of those women was SAHM till kids went to school and now she is part time, another one still at home as kid is 3yo, even if he file for divorce, she is an ex auditor so will not have a problem to find a jon, and the third lady is running her own business namely a cafe and some other staff, her kids are also in school now. So they all should be fine. I am a good professional in an area which is in demand. When I say i am not career oriented, I don't mean I don't have a good career, I do and i work constantly on developing my skills and differentiating myself in job market. As I mentioned an ideal set up would be SAHM till school and then part time."

The fact that you refer to your friend finding a new "Jon" is telling. That is the term usually used to refer to men who pay for sex.

My friend is a sahm to a train driver husband. They live in a cheap area of a home county

That’s true, but if you are both working the. You’re sharing the burden of providing for your family. Being the sole breadwinner can be extremely stressful, far more so than being a stay at home parent

A banker is not going to want to marry an obvious gold-digger who is only with him for his job title.
You can be a sahm with an ordinary man but you will need to lower your lifestyle expectations

We would all love to have the option to not go to work and stay at home with our kids but that's not the real world ... think you are living in. A bit of a fantasy . It's hard enough to date these days and actually meet someone you are compatible with let alone having a check list for them