I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

[PoliteEagle]

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

Anyone with money and a career has more dating options. Men generally have better careers than women. Men can become fathers at 40 a lot easier than women which gives them more time to focus on careers. Men also generally date younger women precisely because there is less pressure on timing and fertility.

You've had bashing here because you have a poor attitude. Because you have refused to engage with the women who have suffered by making a choice to be dependent on a man when most of us, our mothers, and our grandmothers fought against that very thing.

So from a man's perspective, again I ask for the second time, what do you bring to being a STAHM?

Fair enough!

Sorry but I don’t like your tone and attitude. We are not in court room for you telling me you are asking me in second , third and fourth time especially in such a demanding way. I don’t own you an answer. and it is not your business anyway. My question is in the opening message. I got your point.
btw you outlined all correctly about men having more power yet lots of women scream of equality here . Yeah right

You've come on a public forum asking for opinions. You're refusing to answer very basic pertinent questions about your age or what you can achieve as a SAHM which is all extremely relevant.

To answer your question yet again. You can be a SAHM if you accept that for most women this is not glamorous and involves hard work. You can be a SAHM if you accept a dip in lifestyle expectations.

You can be a rich and glamorous SAHM with a rich husband if you are extremely wealthy, well connected, and educated. Or you can go for a footballer. Just be 25 years old and model gorgeous.

TBF, I was a fairly high earner. Worked slightly senior to my husband. I believed fully in equality. My pay sat in line or above my husbands and other men in the same job.

But when we take ourselves out of work, we truly are weakening our position.

A lot of replies here will seem harsh, I appreciate that, but many (including me) have seen how it can go so wrong.

I also appreciate the want to be at home with your children when you have them.

But there are negatives you need to consider and arm yourself against.

Things have also changed economically quite rapidly. Which is why I think some posters are asking your age. I'm probably a few years older than you, but I'm 33, looking back at when I started adulthood, life seemed much simpler. Now we're talking crazy money for everything.

Parenting is hard. Doing it all on your own because your dh is too special and important is very very hard. It also makes it hard to go back to work when you also have to do 100% of the house and kids activities.
you can actually get an easier life than that of many funded sahms by finding someone who will be a partner and keeping up work part time which is doable because they parent and share the load. I’m full time and it’s only doable because my partner shares parenting and the load. I’d be miserable staying home and doing it all, not happier.

@WanOvaryKenobi Anyone with money and a career has more dating options. Men generally have better careers than women. Men can become fathers at 40 a lot easier than women which gives them more time to focus on careers.

This may have been true in the past, but it becomes less and less true as time goes on. Keep in mind also that there are a tiny number of men who earn extremely and disproportionately high salaries that skew the statistics and mask the fact that most men really don't earn much.

Everytime there's a salary thread on mumsnet, you will see many women posting eye-watering salaries that are simply unattainable for the majority of men.

I imagine this is the main reason why it's extremely difficult to find a man who wants to marry a SAHM. They simply cannot afford it.

Agree with all of that.

Just talking about my own experience where I could be a SAHM and live in a very affluent area with a high earning husband. I could not work and our income would still be top 3%. I'd rather not be a SAHM for a variety of factors but that's my own choice (if I stay in work we will be mortgage free in 5 years, for example, and I have a good pension).

I'm also ten years younger than my husband. I'm the same age as his colleagues' wives. We are all educated and most of us work in professional jobs.

Educated high earning men have a lot of choices. It's difficult to be a SAHM because these men have choices between educated, middle or upper class, high powered, beautiful, and connected women. It's a competitive market and a lot of them don't want trophy wives. They want partners.

Perhaps save up to fund your stay at home period.

If you are financially unable to do that,you could ask your parents ifthey will accept low rent and you doing yard and cleaning to stay with them until you can afford to move out and go back to work.
Also look at house sitting and live in nannying.

I’m not judging you; you have to make plans for the life you want to live. If you want a comfortable
life at home with your LOs, the. yes, the best bet would be to try to find someone who is career oriented and wouldn’t mind that. These people
do exist.

I know three SAHDs that are only able to do this because they are married to physicians, FYI.

I concur with going part-time for several years hurting your career. My wife made almost twice as much as me when we had our first child, now it well over 3 times as much (pro-rata) and still going up, whereas I haven't gone up in years.

That said, it works for us and we're both largely happy, even if my wife sometimes struggles with the stress of her job. I actually feel guilty for having a stress-free life, I love looking after the kids and can live with all the housework.

Obviously there are lots of times when things don't work out well for the SAHW/part-time wife in these situations as the husband gets bored and buggers off, leaving her in a weak situation. That might be less of a risk when it's the husband who is part-time, as the wife is much more likely to appreciate how much work it takes to run a home and is much less likely to run away from her family.

OP, I found the ending of this statement curious!

I think some women who may be in the same competition as you to bag a rich guy, may give guys like that more thought (the supposedly unattractive ones), and before you know it, maybe you could miss out, even being good looking or whatever else, if you write them off. The pool will only get smaller as you get older.

I’m not fully into the plan but I am finding this topic interesting (but I probably should be working!).

Bingo!

I'm trapped

Women who are breadwinners still do the majority of housework: https://www.ucl.ac.uk/epidemiology-health-care/news/2019/nov/women-still-doing-most-housework-despite-earning-more

Married mothers who are breadwinners do even more housework: https://www.bath.ac.uk/announcements/married-mothers-who-earn-more-than-their-husbands-take-on-an-even-greater-share-of-housework/#:~:text=social%20networking%20features.-,Married%20mothers%20who%20earn%20more%20than%20their%20husbands%20take,even%20greater%20share%20of%20housework&text=While%20new%20mothers%20frequently%20take,the%20University%20of%20Bath%20shows.

Men who are economically dependent are more likely to cheat: https://www.businessinsider.com/couples-more-likely-to-cheat-when-a-woman-out-earns-her-husband-2015-4

@PoliteEagle something in your writing - you frequently don't use definite or indefinite articles .... can I ask your native language?

I wouldn't have minded being a SAHM for a while but couldn't afford not to work. I went back to work fairly early, part time. I am so glad I did, work was varied and interesting, I had good colleagues, some of whom became friends and most of the women were mothers. I felt better for working.

As time went on I increased my hours and was eventually working full time, managed to carve out a modest career for myself which gave me great satisfaction.

I am glad I went to work, my child did not suffer because of it. I was a far more all round person for working. I'd have stagnated at home all the time.

My mother and my mother in law did not work and their worlds were very small. I wouldn't have wanted to be like them.

If you do marry someone who is happy to be the breadwinner and you can live comfortably on his salary, you may find you are climbing the walls after a while. Don't be hasty.

Marry for love, you'll manage somehow even if he doesn't have a high powered job and earn a bomb. As long as he is earning reasonably, is intelligent and caring, you'll manage - and be happy.

No, when we met aged 22 he did not have a high income at all! We had both just finished university and had no careers. Absolute rubbish.

That's interesting and it surprised me. It's definitely not the case for us. Firstly, I do almost all the housework - my wife hates it! Secondly, I would never cheat. I'm happy within our marriage, but even if I did somehow have the desire to cheat, I would never do that to my wife, and definitely not to the children. Ever.

'Men who are economically dependent are more likely to cheat' - What are they thinking?

East Asian or Russian would be my guess.

I just think it's worth bearing in mind that as a woman you have to go through conception, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and recovery.

Then in your situation, while it has worked for you, involves going through all of that to then have to go back to work to have to provide for the family you literally birthed, to be statistically more likely to be cheated on and have more housework.

I mean at that point you might as well consider being a single mum. At least if my nanny shags the cleaner I don't have to give up 50% of my resources for retirement.

Aw, you've just taken all the romance out of it! :)

I take that you're making a general statistical calculation. But I hope my wife made a judgement based on love and trust. I also know she was ruthless with cheaters, came from a broken home and puts the stability of her children's upbringing above all else.

The school holidays have been quite entertaining this year on mumsnet.

These threads will be missed once the schools reopen.

I was a SHAM but only whilst my kids were little. I worked because I wanted financial independence. Being at home all the time is not all it’s cracked up to be, you need some self worth, people who look up to you.

We could easily afford for me to be a SAHP but I am ambitious, driven and excited by my career, things that attracted my husband, who is the same as me. All the lawyers, bankers and management consultants I know have married a partner and equal. You might find some who want an old fashioned relationship but I would worry about the power dynamic in that relationship. Generally men want women of equal intelligence from their own social circles much more than they want trophy wives who focus on beauty and the gym.